12/29/09

Today with James, we went over some of the changes in me since I started seeing him again and some things I still want/ need to work on.

James mentioned the irony of my insane fear of men, yet I'm going to a male counselor! Yep, I've realized that. I was anti men, then I got stuck with Aaron. He was all my fear of a male counselor, horrible experience! I wasn't sure if I could trust counseling again. I don't know if she realized it, but that one time I talked to Joy after I stopped seeing Aaron was a huge help. Then of course stuff got triggered again. I remember telling my bishop "I will NOT go to another male counselor!" Lucky for me, I of course did. I was blessed that James is a great counselor. I actually trust him. He is the complete opposite of Aaron and is much like Joy except is a man. I don't think I said it about our last visit, but, we were talking about Jack. He stopped and asked me if the situation I was talking about if Jack was clothed or not. I thought about it for a second and answered, "I don't remember." James was quick to respond, that's okay let's move on. Aaron on the other hand, he really pushed for me to remember things that I honest do not remember! I felt so uncomfortable sitting then when he told me I HAD to remember! I felt guilty for not being able to remember. After I stopped seeing him I read an article by an LDS general authority, I think it was Richard G. Scott (who I've met and shock hands with!) that said it is horrible to force memories and can cause false memories! No wonder I felt so uncomfortable with it. I was glad when James didn't push me to remember and did the opposite and quick told me to move on with what I was saying.

I'm working on a letter to Jack. I don't know why I am so hesitant about it. I am so afraid to face that, to face him, to write him, to express all my feelings!

We talked for a minute about how I haven't been able to trust men. As James said, "you haven't been able to trust Ted, well I mean Grandpa and also Jack." I thought of the irony of that, actually I haven't been able to trust Ted either. In fact, I have never been able to trust Ted. Grandpa at least has at times been trustworthy and been a good dad. I should post the e-mails I've gotten from Ted. The first time I read them I thought, Wow, I'm actually glad I was raised by my crazy parents then this psycho! Even though my parents weren't perfect, there are still things I admire in their parenting. Ted, there is nothing I admire. Except for DNA, we have nothing in common.

12/20/09

Today I wanted really bad to change my chance of getting pregnant from slim to definitely can not happen. I hate my body/ reproductive organs! I wish I could just "give up". As I wandered around Wal-Mart trying to stay busy and keeping my mind off the pain I thought, It's one thing to have a hard time trying to get pregnant and it's a totally different thing when that causes you serious physical pain! Not worth it if you ask me right now!

I've been thinking about something James said. He said that the most important thing I can be doing is what I am do- working on my healing. I get that, I really do. But... I see James for an hour every two weeks. In between sessions I don't spend a lot of time working on my healing.

Back to the whole, I'm afraid of failing thing again! What if I'm not very good at it? And so on...

Then, there is also my book! I haven't done a lot with that either! What I need is someone, anyone to read it, help me with any grammar or spelling errors and give me honest input!

Goals

#1) Graduate from institute.
#2) Work on (actually try and start) group
#3) Get serious about my book!

Yay, I have goals in life!

12/19/09

Today with James ... um, I'm not sure. I feel emotionally drained. We talked about options and directions to take with my life. First, there is college. I have never had a huge desire to have a college degree, it just doesn't appeal to me personally. I mean, sure I have thought about it. Next, kids... that's when the waterworks started. That is the only thing I have ever really wanted to do with my life and it isn't happening! It can be a touchy subject for me. At times my infertility struggle seems just as painful as the abuse. Certain people in my life have made it harder, I'll just leave it at that.... sigh, I don't get why people act the way they do, why have say rude things, why they are unsupportive and judgmental!

Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot I can control about having kids. We are trying to adopt, we are doing foster and still no luck. Oddly working on our adoption is one thing that I actually work on and actively pursue. James asked if we have looked into everything, all options and such. I've done a lot of research and there is one program that appealed to me that I had no "signed up" for yet. So, I decided to do it! It's free and increases our chances of finding a baby! Well, I'd love to blog more, but I'm off to work on getting all of our "Project Cuddle" stuff ready and be sent by Christmas! Yay! Wish us luck!

Oh and one goal I have had and I do have control over...
Goal #1- Graduate from Institute!
Goal #2- still not sure yet....

12/18/09

Feeling a little...
stuck, confused, I don't know the word for it. I want to do something with my life, but I don't know what or how to do it. I'm tired of feeling useless... I'm 25, married, jobless, childless, no college education (okay, well I have 1 credit under my belt that counts right?) and the list goes on and on.

As I try to think of WHY I refuse to take action and do something with my life, I'm afraid to fail. For so long I've been told I will fail, I was good for nothing, I was worthless and would never amount to anything.

I remember one day while I was in college overhearing grandpa on the phone with my sister, "She's doing good in college. At least she SAYS she's doing good, who knows if she really is!" FYI Grandpa... I really did do Great in college. I believe I got 2 B's in the whole class and the rest were A's. Then when I quit my job because my boss was abusive and I didn't have time for school working 50+ hours a week I was told "You'll come crawling back here in a month!" It's been 6 years and I've still done nothing!

I guess the only logical thing hold me back, we can't afford me going back to college.

I have become so comfortable talking about my abuse. It has become my passion and I feel drawn to do something to help others. But doing what exactly, I have no idea!

I've also accomplished nothing in the past 2 weeks! Didn't do my homework (write Colleen a letter), haven't read my scriptures once. However my spiritual side just took a turn for the better. I've loved my calling, but teaching 5 year olds that don't always listen every single week is draining! I have been the only teacher that didn't have a partner, someone that can fill in for them or let them have a week off so they can enjoy church for once. Well, I am finally getting my "team teacher"! Yay! They did add another kid to my class, but I'm not complaining!

12/11/09

Now that I have told Colleen, I feel more comfortable posting more about Jack on this blog. I always feared that since she had the link to my personal blog and I have a link to this blog she would see it and find out here.

2 years ago when I started talking to James about what Jack did this is what I told him-

I don't remember a lot, but what I do remember is pretty vague. I started baby-sitting Jack in June 1997. His mom was my science teacher that year in school, I was in the 6th grade. She, for some reason I never knew, asked me if I wanted to baby-sit her son. I loved baby-sitting, so I told her yes. I don't remember how old Jack was when I started to watch him, I think he was 8 and I was only 12 1/2. I watched him for around 2 to 3 years, I don't remember for sure when I stopped.

I don't know how long after I started watching him that it started. I don't remember how it started. I completely blocked it all out of my mind until after I got married. Jack loved to touch me, hug me and try to kiss me. If I was sitting down he had to be sitting as close to me as possible. If I scooted over, he did too. I saw him naked at least twice, I don't remember if he ever did anything to me while he was nude. He would pin me down on his bed and rub his penis against me, we were both fully dressed. I would tell him to stop and get off, but he never did. He out weighed me and was much stronger then me. He was extremely spoiled, so if he wasn't getting his way he threatened to rap me. I don't remember the exact words he used, but that is what he wanted to do.

On May 2, 1999 I wrote "I used to baby-sit this boy that was 9 years old and he liked me so if we were sitting on the couch he would scoot over and keep doing that, then he would hug me and not let go and try to kiss me. Worst of all he would lay on me and try to make out with me and tell me to suck his penis."

On Dec. 6, 2004 I started seeing Aaron, at that time I had a very hard time whenever Brad would touch me. In my mind I couldn't distinguish between Jack and Brad, if Brad started rubbing my back in my mind it was Jack. Aaron always asked very detailed questions about what Jack did and I was uncomfortable with them because he focused too much on unimportant details that I can't even remember. Feelings of being angry at Jack started to surface, but that is as far as they got, it was never dealt with. On Dec. 16, 2004 I wrote down what I could remember about what Jack did; he held me down on his bed at least 12 times, if not more. I baby-sat him at my house 3 to 4 times but he never did anything, that I can remember. If he didn't get his was he would make threats or become physically aggressive. He took karate and would practice on me, kicking and hitting me. I was completely powerless against him, it didn't matter what I said or did he was always controlling me. I stopped seeing Aaron in February of 2005.

A few weeks later I ended up talking to my old counselor, Joy. Talking to her helped enough that I felt like I had moved on and was starting to forgive Jack. It never seemed to come up again until we got Joey. Almost every time Joey touched me it reminded me of Jack.

I don't recall Jack ever doing and saying he would do something if I told anyone. I don't know why I never did, I didn't remember a single detail about it until about I got married.

It has affected me in many ways. At first it was really rough on Brad and I' relationship, but it has gotten a lot better since then. I still rarely enjoy sex or interested in doing it. I will do it to make husband happy. The only time I want to do it is because I am on fertility and I know I have to to get pregnant. Parenting Joey was really hard because I was constantly seeing him as Jack and I was in control for once, I had to refrain from doing things to Joey that I wanted to do to Jack. I have a lot of trusting issues, not just from Jack but everyone in my life. No one in my family has been trustworthy and it still takes a long time for me to trust anyone. When I was seeing Joy I didn't tell her anything for 3 months, then I had to wrote her a letter to get it all out. Four years ago all I would say was "I don't know" so that I wouldn't have to open up and acknowledge or deal with anything. I stopped doing that 3 1/2 years ago and now it is a lot easier to share everything. The only problem I have religiously is that if either Jack, or my Grandpa, was to join the church I have a hard time seeing them worthy to do so because of what they did to me. If either of them was to tell me they are sorry for what they did I would be okay with them being baptized.

12/10/09

I still haven't blog about, or even written about my last visit with James.

We talked about my e-mails with Collen. I should be feeling closure, but I'm not. I guess I was expecting one side of the spectrum or the other. Either she denies it or tells me she knew something happened to Jack and she was sorry he did it to me. It was right in the middle and I'm feeling stuck there. James keeps asking/ reminding me, why was I doing this? I keep saying I wasn't doing it for a certain reaction, I was doing it for me. I guess I have to just keep reminding myself that.

The next issue I have... Right after I stopped seeing Aaron I found an old English project from the 8th grade. I flipped through it and was shocked to find that in this project, one that I turned in to my teacher and she read and graded and gave back to me, I wrote some details about things Jack was doing to me.

I have a lot of emotions about this, I'm curious as to why this teacher didn't do anything. I mean, how can you read about a kid being sexually abused and do nothing?!? At the same time I try to justify it, just maybe she didn't read it. After all she had a lot of students and having to read 25 or so pages about each of them, just maybe she skimmed through it and missed that part. It is even harder that I really looked up to Mrs. W. Obviously I thought she was a safe enough person to even tell about the abuse. My own parents didn't know and weren't safe to tell, but I trusted her. I have trust issues to begin with then I realize that someone I really trusted and admired let me down. I feel hurt. I try not to get angry at her, but part of me is.

So, can you guess what my homework is? Write a letter to Mrs. W, but don't send it. Okay, am I really crazy here, or what, but I really want answers. I'm still on contact with her and I want to know first of all, if she read it. If she didn't then I have no reason to be mad.

11/29/09

I still have 5 days until I meet with James again. I am just now doing my homework for the first of 3 times I need to have done by then. It is once again Sunday and I'm dreading going to church. I actually love church but my calling is killing me. Seriously the thought of one more week of tell the wall a story about how a little boy was embarrassed by the woman's shoes he had to wear to church, but no one noticed (I so wish I was exaggerating here) is not appealing! I know they are 5 and they don't pay attention or listen, but I personally need something spiritual out of church! I'm always covering for all the other classes and it's time I get a break.

This morning after hours of not being able to sleep I finally got up and flipped open my scriptures. It's been such a long time, not counting when I attempt to read a verse or two to 5 year olds that are running around the room. It has flashed me back to my senior year in high school. I was probably one of the most spiritually strong 18-year-olds you'd ever meet. That is how I got through all the abuse. My senior year I read the entire Book of Mormon, all of D&C and I started reading the Bible. Growing up outside of Utah I had "early morning" seminary for 2 1/2 years. My Junior year half way through the year we got a new seminary teacher and she was horrible. Not really a bad teacher, but mean. I was one of 2 or 3 girls in the class, majority of the time I was the only one there and she didn't like girls! Seriously, she flat out told us that she didn't. Luckily for me my school schedule was re-arranged and I could go to the afternoon seminary across town. My senior year I was able to take "senior seminary", the class was in the afternoon, but earlier then the afternoon class.That is how I met Sister Parker.  I actually skipped one of my classes once a week to make it to seminary. I graduated with "Honors" that year. To get honors you had to read all of D&C (or whatever book you were studying that year), memorize all the scripture masteries, have 100 % attendance and have read the scriptures every night (or something like that). It makes me sad looking back and how spiritually strong I was and now I have nothing.

11/25/09

To be honest I'm still in a little shock. Shocked that I told her, shocked at her response and still waiting from an e-mail of it all backfiring! My sweet friend told me, You know that e-mail isn't coming? Yes, I do know but I still can't believe it. I still have mixed emotions about it all. Relief hasn't set in yet. I can't help but think what possibly is going through her mind. Man, I really wish I knew.

I've decided to leave my contact with her at that. I get the vibe that she needs some time and space to digest it all. I'm open to more contact if she wants, but I don't want to be forcing myself (and the pain of what Jack did) into her life.

After writing that update I went and got a CD I have with info and such on it. I have a few pictures of Colleen on there. To be honest, I've been avoiding looking at them. I haven't looked at them in a LONG time. As I looked at her face it made me cry. I started thinking, What have I done? What did I just do to her life? I'm trying not to feel guilty about it, but looking at her is making me feel bad. However, when I see pictures of Jack, I just want to punch him!

I try to be so discrete on here, but I really want to post pictures of both Colleen and Jack... But then again I fear the repercussions of doing so. (a few months ago I harmlessly posted some pics of my husband family on my personal blog and they Flipped out! So I'm really hesitant about posting pictures of people)

LOL, so I was looking at what are the files I had on that CD and I'm laughing at what I found. I discovered that I wrote a letter to Colleen 1 1/2 years ago telling her (obviously I didn't send it and didn't intend to immediately) Wow, I can't believe I forgot that I already wrote that. Here is the letter I wrote on May 21, 2008-

"Dear Mrs.,
It has been a long time since I have seen or talk to you last.
I graduated from high school 5 years ago and have been married for 4 years now. We moved to .... a few months after we got married and we love it here. Although my husband and I haven't been able to have kids yet we have a great life and are very happy.
I don't know how to go about telling you this, but when I baby-sat Jack he molested me.
If you were wondering why I didn't tell you sooner, it's a long story. First of all I didn't remember anything that had happened until right after I got married. I mean, I obviously remember baby-sitting Jack, but I had blocked out all the details. About 6 months after I got married I decided to try counseling. After that ended only a few months later, badly, I tried to just forget about it all. It wasn't until 10 months ago that I decided to once again try counseling. Very few people even know it happened. My mom B just found out a few months ago. I think she is either in denial or she doesn't believe me.

I am not mad at you or hold you responsible in any way. I don't want or expect anything from you or Jack. I'm not even completely sure why, but I felt like you needed to know.

Feel free to contact me, or if you don't want to I understand."

11/23/09

First thing this morning I saw that I had a response from Colleen. My husband had just barely left for work and I decided that I again wanted him to read it first and prepare me. I was laying on the bed facing the opposite direction when my husband read it. His only words were "Wow!" Okay, wow bad, very bad? Nope, good and understanding! Really?!? This what she said-

"I want you to know that I received this message...when the time is right I will speak with Jack about this...thank you for sharing this with me, I pray for you and your recovery...take care, Maggie. God Bless"

I'm still waiting for another e-mail saying, "No wait... it's your fault he did it. You're lying! and such" Okay, I can breath now, it's over? Still in shock here.

11/23/09

Last night (Saturday night) I asked Brad if he would sub my primary class, he so nicely said no. During sacrament meeting I begged him to do at least half of it, again no luck. I failed to explain to him WHY I needed/ wanted him to sub for me. I desperately need a break. After talk to James I realized how lacking spiritually I am and being stuck in the basement with 5 year old does NOT help. I went to class annoyed that Brad was refusing to help me out. I had 3 of the 4 kids in my class there, plus a visitor and it was horrific! I seriously sat there and gave up on trying to talk when they were not listening to a word I was saying. After church we went out to the car and I started bawling! I told Brad how annoyed I was that he refused to help me. He didn't know that I desperately NEEDED just one break from my calling. He told me that he will talk to someone in the bishopbrick and see if I can get someone at least once a month to cover for me. That would be wonderfual. I love my calling, but I need to be getting more out of church! We got home, I continued to cry (I had a lot of built up stress that needed to get out). I then said, watch just because I'm having a crappy day I'm gonna have an e-mail from Colleen. Guess what? I did! I couldn't bring myself to reading it. I told Brad to read it and then let me know how bad it was. I went in the other room and then yelled, "Well?" It wasn't so bad actually. This is all her e-mail said- "I am shocked and need you to tell me more please...he was just a toddler...how on earth could He have abused you? What on earth happened....???" After another half hour of crying I finally felt better. Brad and I went over to our friends house for a little while and on the way over there I started working on my response to Colleen. I was shockingly CALM about the whole thing. Now as I continue to work on it I have that- sick to your stomach feeling, yuck. I've debated back and forth with how much I should share with her and I decided, what the heck, here it all is! This is my response, which I am seconds away from sending (gulp)! ***Just a warning, pretty graphic details in this... "I know it's hard to believe. Jack being younger then me, it is hard to imagine that such a thing could of happened. I realize you might not believe me. That's okay if you don't. Telling you is just something I personally needed to do. It started out with small things that seemed like no big deal at the time. I thought that Jack must have a crust on me. He was about 7 when I started watching him? (FYI, I was 12 1/2). He liked to hug me and sit next to me, next to me being practically on my lap. He would also try to kiss me. There were numerous times that he would hold me down on his bed & lay on top of me. He would rub his penis against me, we were both fully clothed but still... He would try & touch me "down there". There was at least one time that I remember that he was holding me down and he stuck his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I usually don't share all those details because it is still hard for me to talk about it all. I know it might seem unbelievable that any of those thing could of happened but they did. I am sorry to be telling you all these horrific details. I am really not trying to hurt anyone. I just wanted the truth to be out there."

11/21/09

My letter to Colleen- in the past 13 hours I have read it out loud to James, James read it out loud, I read it out loud pretending Colleen was there and.... I just e-mailed it to her! Yes, I actually SENT it!!! I am now anxious about her response knowing it might be bad or very ugly. I feel ready..... Wow. I feel a sense of relief and also anxious.

Dear Colleen,
It's been a few months since we have talked. There is still one thing that I've been meaning to tell you and I haven't. I've put this off for so long because I don't know where to started or how to say it.

I didn't remember this happening until after my husband and I got married. Over the past few years I have thought a lot about whether or not to tell you. I'm not doing this to hurt anyone. I need to do this for me, for part of my healing. I need the truth to be out there.

I don't know if you had any idea anything was going on. I want you to know that I don't blame you for anything that happened.

While I was babysitting Jack, he sexually abused me.

At the time I don't think I even knew what was going on or how to handle it. It wasn't until after I got married that I remembered it happening. I have been going to counseling off and on for the past 5 years. I've been learning how to deal with it all, and have been working on forgiving Jack.

I know it must be a shock to you. I am in no way trying to hurt you or Jack. Telling you is just something I need to do for me.

I am somewhat open about what went on. Feel free to ask any questions you might have.

11/20/09

Today with James started out different. He always ask how I'm doing physically and emotionally, and anything that might of happened since he saw me last. Then he asked about me spiritually. As we continued to talk I realized how disconnected I am feeling spiritually. It used to be my strength and now I'm not doing much. It's even harder when you work in the Primary! It's interesting that I have "family issues" with both prayer and reading scriptures. Sigh, my family is SO crazy. Really, what kind of mother yells at their teenager for reading their scriptures!!!!! Oh and then she yelled at me because they had dust on them meaning I wasn't reading them. (FYI I had more then one set of scriptures and that was the set I didn't use) And she herself was inactive in the church! Okay, vent over moving on. My homework for the next 2 weeks I have to read my scriptures at least 3 times.

So I'm gonna back track a little. My friend, MacKenzie,  and I are both in counseling, but are seeing 2 different people. Living in a small town our counselors of course know each other. Since I still haven't finished my friends letter, she explained to her counselor that I've been busy working on my own very hard letter. Her counselor asked what James does after he has me write letters, like does he have me read them out loud? Yes. Does he have me pretend to talk to the person? No. Joy did that and we did it in SOLE, but I had yet to see James do it. So thanks MacKenzie for mentioning this, cuz guess what we did? No only did I read Colleen's letter, James read the letter and then I had to pretend to read it to Colleen sitting in front of me! Thanks MacKenzie, thanks a LOT. (I still love ya though) By the time I had to read the letter to Colleen I was a lot more calm about it, the first time I just blew through it.

By the end of the session I was feeling so calm and a sense of relief. I've decided that I am 100% going to send the letter to Colleen. James asked if I was ready to confront Jack, No! He also asked if I wanted to wait to send the letter and we could talk more about the possible response of Colleen. I think I'm just gonna send it. I've gotten so many responses about it I feel ready for anything. I know she might not believe me, she might be offended, she just might accept it, but I am not expecting anything.

11/17/09

I'm stressing BIG time. It is now Tuesday and I see James Friday and this letter feels like the hardest thing I've done in a very LONG time. Seriously, how do you tell someone that their son sexually abused you????

I also need to write a letter to my friend by Thursday. Actually it was supposed to be done LAST Thursday, but I didn't get to it!

So it has been 4 1/2 months since I've talked to Collen. I thought I needed this (telling her about it) as part of my healing. I'm really second guessing myself. Brad is staying "neutral" about it all. He doesn't want to sway to or not to write the letter. I keep reminding myself that for now I'm just writing it, not sending it. But that is not calming me down at all!

In preparing for writing the letter I went through and read all our e-mails back and forth. Okay, is it me or does this sound like she might have a hunch about things? This is from back in June and I said there was things going on in my life while I was watching Jack (I was talking about dad's abuse)... her response "Please share with me what was going on in your life, I would appreciate you sharing with me."

I don't know if I can do this? Where do I even start? Hey Collen, I haven't seen you in 6 years, haven't talked to you in 4 1/2 months, but just FYI your son that is 6 years younger then me sexually abused me!!!!!

Maybe that's a little too blunt!

... I'm trying to work on my letter to Collen. In my boredom I decided to look on Facebook for Jack. Yep, found him! FYI, seeing his face, I'd like to punch him. I'm now thinking that was a VERY DUMB thing to have done! In working on my letter to Collen I've already broken out in hives!

11/13/09

This session I was slightly anxious/ nervous, but it was a great session. I've been thinking about my possible new job, that was the main thing James and I talked about. during the session I went back and forth about it and finally decided. I'm just NOT ready to do it. Logically- yes I am 25 and the boy is 10, do I think realistically that it (sexual abuse) will happen again, probably not. The other things James brought up, there is 3 kids, not just 1 and it's even more less likely to happened with 2 other kids running around. After a lot of thinking and James pointing out all the pros and cons, I've decided NOT to risk having come this far and my relationship with my husband for a few $.

James also asked, what would you do if your Bishop asked you & your husband to teach a primary class that was all boys that were 8 to 10. Well, is my husband was there, no problem, but me alone, NO WAY. Then I pointed out the irony that I do teach primary and I used to have an ALL boys class, but they are 5! LOL, I'm not scared of 5 year olds.

I also thought about it in a little bit different way. In the kids I currently watch I have 2 boys and I'm not scared of them. Of course they are 2 and 3! But I realized, one of the reason I'm not scared of them is because I know their parents really well! That seems to be a huge comfort for me. The thought of watching this 10 year old, I don't know his parents at all. His parents were a little "grungy" looking and that doesn't help. The more I thought about it I realized, that 5 years down the road, I don't see myself being scared to watch the boys I watch now. First- I've know them since they were little. Secondly- I know their parents. It's WAY different then NOT know the parents and meeting him at 10 years old. Am I making any sense? I get my logic, that's the important part.

Next topic- I've been thinking about it for a long time. To tell or not to tell Colleen? I get in contact with her with the goal of telling her about what her son did. After a few e-mails and really opening up to her about what my dad did, I just didn't feel ready to take the plunge. Even though she was pretty good (in her response) about it all, I just wasn't so sure.

I talked to James about it and he asked my reasoning behind it. Did I want to do it for me or for Jack or Colleen? Was I expecting a certain reaction from her? Was I doing it just to have the truth out there? My intentions have always been just to have it out there in the open. I hate feeling like I am hiding things. I am doing this for ME. I need it for MY healing. Although I am curious if Colleen had and suspicions it was going on. I wonder if she knows that something happened to Jack or WHY he would do it to me? I may not get my answers, but that's not why I'm going to tell her.

My homework for next week- write Colleen a letter. Don't send it yet, just work on it and bring it in to talk to James about it some more.

11/5/09

Okay, long story... Sunday I gave Grandma the letter! She said she wanted to talk. I have been hesitant about the whole thing. Growing up I never knew what Grandma I was going to get- she could be supportive, she could be minimizing of thing, she could defend dad, she could say I made Grandpa do/say what he did. My family is in denial that Grandpa is abusive and an alcoholic. After yesterday all I can think about is the night I told Grandma that I was moving out and I asked her if she knew Grandpa was verbally abuse. Her response "You're just too sensitive. What he says would not bother most kids!"

Sunday after reading the letter she said she wanted to talk. Tuesday I went to talk to her and she avoided the whole subject. I was very annoyed about the whole thing. Wednesday I told her that we needed to leave by a certain time and if she wanted to talk she needed to do it then. Brad and I went and saw his brand new little niece (who is freaking adorable)! The second I walked in the door my mom asked me about SOLE and said she too was in a group like that (focusing on the Atonement and forgiving)! My jaw about hit the floor! She went on to tell me that she realizes that he said things to me and she feels guilty for never stopping him, for not stepping in or defending me! She told me that she's sorry and she feels really guilty. (Um, can you say WOW!) I'm still just in shock about the whole conversation. She even said stuff in front of my husband, while at a restaurant!

I asked her if she had thought about going to counseling. She said she went after her brother died and the woman at LDSFS said that there was nothing wrong with her. It doesn't help that my family is against counseling then the one time she goes she had a bad experience. She also said she doesn't like talking about thing. I just laughed, "Yeah, me too! I didn't talk at all at first! It took me months to tell my counselor anything!"

It's felt like a huge relief and seems so weird still. It's odd to be able to talk openly about my Grandpa and things he has said or done with another family member, let alone my Grandma! She also told me that she thought it was horrible when Grandpa would be-little me for my first job I had right out of high school. I vividly re-call the scream of "your job is worst then flipping burgers at McDonald's!" I can't believe she even remembered that. I only had that job for 2 months and that was over 6 years ago.

Her talking about Grandpa saying that about my job reminds me of the night I started cutting. As I have mentioned, I had NO privacy. Grandpa had read my journal and I had written that Sister Parker was like a mom to me. Sister Parker was the first person I ever told about the abuse and an amazing support to me. Well, Grandpa of course freaked out when he read this. After his horrific screaming battle I had had it! I could NOT take it any more. I was determined that the abuse was going to end one way or another! It was either going to be me or Grandpa that was going to die that night. I was out in our garage rummaging through Grandpa's tools to find something to kill either him or myself with when Grandma came out there. For once she actually talked to me and didn't defend him or excuse his behavior. I remember her saying that he had no right to be reading my journal. Grandma actually being a mom for once saved someone's life that night!

- I saw James right after we got home and this is part of my homework is to write about what went on with Grandma and how I've been feeling about it all. So, my feelings right now aside from shocked... I'm so happy that I decided to write and give her that letter. I'm glad that I didn't give up on trying to talk to her, although I have to admit, this was her last chance. I tried so many times and she would seem interested and then avoid the subject so I was about ready to call it quits! Like I kept telling Brad, I didn't want to avoid her cries for help like she avoided/ ignored all of mine. I hope that I can be a support and strength to her. I hope she feels comfortable talking to me and realized that it is safe.

I'm trying to keep realistic expectations- Grandma and I may never talk about such things again. I hope we do, but I need to remember we might not. After 25 years of unstable reactions from her I am still hesitant about talking about Jack stuff. I feel safe keeping it on the Grandpa subject, but I'm not ready to be that vulnerable with her yet!

11/5/09

I'm sure many of you know the kind of economy we have going on right now. It's hard to find a job and such. I mostly do child care out of my home. Sometimes I watch them at their parents. But I've been looking for more kids to watch. A few days ago I got a call about a possible job offer to watch 3 kids a few days a week. This is the first time since Jack that's I've watched a boy that was his same age when I watched him! I wasn't sure what to expect going to meet the family and their kids. This boy is cute, funny, seems nice and good... BUT he reminds me of Jack. I just don't know if I can handle it, especially right now!

11/2/09

I have a few things going on in my mind right now. Brad and I have been watching my parent's dog for a few days. I decided awhile ago that it was time to give Grandma the letter. I posted it here- and also added a bit more, which I updated on my original blog post. My Grandpa has no idea that anything went on and Grandma wants to keep it that way. So I wanted Grandma to have the letter, but I knew that if I mailed it no matter what I wrote on the outside, Grandpa would open it and read it. Although I am fine if he knows, I also know that since Grandma is keeping this secret from him it will cause more verbal abuse for her. Yes, drama drama drama.

So I waited until today to give it to her in person. We (Brad and I) are actually headed down to visit them Monday night, so I figured it was great timing. I put the letter out so I wouldn't forget and Grandma saw it and asked what it was. She stood there and read it right in front of me, I wasn't planning on that and to be honest, I felt awkward. When she was done she said she loved me and that she wanted to talk about "it" (my Grandpa was standing next to her). She was planning on talking to me about it last time I came down, but MacKenzie was with me so she didn't. Which is funny because my friend and I carried on a conversation about abuse for a good 20 minutes and she didn't say a word. I also thought she might not of because MacKenzie was there. So I am preparing myself for this trip and talking about "it".

Wow, the idea of talking to her about this just got to me. I'm nervous and scared! The last time she and I talked about abuse in person was almost 6 years ago. I was telling her about her awesome abusive jerk of a husband, about my cutting and that I was moving out. Whole nother story there. I told her about Jack over the phone and we have only talked about Jack since then one or two times, all over the phone. I'm really apprehensive, which if you've read my letter to her you can see why. Is she gonna want details? I don't think she can handle details! Sigh... now I have a day or so to stress about it!

-I'm sure I'll will post about what goes on. I stress easily and the reality that I just gave that letter to her is just sinking in!!!

Next Jack issue... I really want to talk to James about it and see what he has to say. It is really bothering me. It makes me angry and sad. When I was 14 I told someone, someone that I trusted, looked up to and admired, that Jack was doing stuff to me. How can an adult, let alone a teacher, read that a child is going through this and do NOTHING??!?!?!?!? Okay, just maybe I'm over reacting. But at the same time, if I ever read what I wrote I would at least make sure the parents are aware of it, cuz FYI mine were not!

This is what I wrote, "Jack liked me so if we were ever siting on the couch he would scoot over and if I moved over he kept scooting over. Then he would hug me and not let go and try to kiss me. Worst of all he would lay on top of me and try to make out with me and tell me to suck his thing."

Wow, is all I have to say. I do have current contact with this person and there are so many questions I have for them. First of all, did they even read that? That's the only reason I can think of that is why they didn't do anything. If they did read it, why not do or say or tell someone?!? I'm fighting the urge not to e-mail them and ask right now!

Then, oh wait, there is more... At church during sacrament meeting, a lady was talking about her kids and how special children are and she said "parents shouldn't abuse their children". Well, Bishop E gave me a funny look and starred at me for easily 10 minutes! What's a nice way to tell him, please don't stare at me if someone says the word abuse because it makes me feel REALLY awkward? Because this is not the first time it has happened!

10/21/09

I've lost track of what # visit I'm at. It is 2 AM, I'm sitting in bed, almost in tears and I feel like I'm gonna puke! It's been a weird, emotional past few days. Last night as I tried to sleep I thought about things Grandpa did. Nothing bad, just weird and creepy! I don't know if I've said it or not, but I feel like saying it again- In my late teens, the last few years leading up to me moving out- he would not only go through my trash, but would pull certain things and place them on my bed! A few days ago as I was taking out the trash I thought about this and I can't stop thinking about it! Why? Last night as I thought about it and tried to sleep it made me feel disgusted! Such an invasive and creepy thing to do. (trust me there is more to it than that). I laid there crying. 6 years ago I still lived at home, struggled with cutting and just wanted someone to be there for me. I turned around and snuggled with my husband, he was sound asleep, but I just needed to know that he was physically there.

Our relationship has been, well, I don't know the word for it. We're working on, trying to make it stronger. We are nowhere close to separating or divorcing, nothing major at all, just working on things. So today with James I had hurt tears! I'm tearing up thinking about it. It's a work in progress. At the same time I struggle with infertility. So many people have told me that having a baby together makes your marriage stronger and you feel closer. That may never happen. Today James asked if I expect our marriage to be exactly like my husband's parents, no. It's been a roller coaster the past few days.

10/4/09

I'm used to writing letter, but not sending them. Just the other day I started working on letters to my parents about things involving my mom's death. Then tonight I started thinking, what will I say if grandma asks me again if something's going on. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to be direct with her. As I thought about the things I would say I wanted to write a letter, not just any letter, send it! Gasp!!!! I'm still not sure. For now I will write it and see what I think in a day or two.

This is what I have so far-

Grandma,

You obviously suspect something is going on since you asked when I talked to you a few weeks ago. I told you there was nothing because I have to protect myself.

If I do tell you I need to know that it is safe to tell you. It has to do with Jack. Do you remember? His mom was my teacher in the 6th grade, I baby-sat him and he sexually abused me. The last time we talked about what Jack had done you asked "What did he just touch you once or something?" To me that is minimizing what I went through. I need people to validate my feelings and actually believe me that it happened. I always fear, because he was younger than me, that no one will believe me that it happened. If you want to know the details I will tell you, but I need to know that you are going to take me seriously. I'm tired of people brushing it off as nothing.

When we (Brad and I) told his parents all his mom said was "forgive and forget". I know I need to forgive him, but it is a process and it will take time. I don't need to hear that right now. I don't expect you to know what to say or do. I don't expect anything from you, but just believe me that it happened and don't minimize it. It takes a lot emotionally to be dealing with all this stuff, things that Jordan did and things that went on while I still lived at home.

This is my forth time in counseling. I don't know if you remember or not about the first time I went when I was still living at home. If you ever want to talk about it or have questions I am really open about all my counseling experiences.

The first I went, it really changed me. I was in a group called SOLE, it focused on the Atonement and healing. The second time I went I had a horrible experience. It was up here about 5 years ago. I wasn't sure if I could trust counseling again. I tried to convince myself that I was fine, that what Jack did wasn't bothering me. Then we got Joey. I had a really hard time with him because it was a constant reminder of what Jack had done. That's when I went back to counseling, all three times at LDS Family Services. I started seeing a guy named James, he is by far the best counselor I've had. He helped a lot. For the most part I had moved on with my life. I stopped seeing him in June of 2008.

I didn't really see this coming, going back to counseling again. I am seeing James again, I just started seeing him at the end of Aug. so we will have to see how things go this time.

I know a lot of people think counseling or therapy is not helpful at all. I know of some counselors that are horrible, but I also know some great ones too. 2 of my 3 counselors have been wonderful and it has been extremely helpful in my life.

I love you. If you ever want to talk about anything just say so.

- so. to send or not to send, that's the question. For now I'm leaning towards send. I need to direct my feelings for once and not feel like I have to hide them or what I've been through!

More Rules of a Dysfunctional Family

Brad comes from a pretty normal LDS family. 6 kids, Dad's been a bishop, you know the type... As normal as they can be I was surprised at how they handled something recently. As my mother-in-law explained it to me I sat there, scratching my head thinking, 'Maybe you guys need to see James and figure out how to communicate!' See if you can follow this- Mom and Dad (husband's that is) had some BIG news to tell their children and this is how they decided to tell them- they called child #4 and told them over the phone and asked if they could call and tell #3 and #6, and tell #6 to call and tell #1. They told #5 in person and asked #5 to send a text message to #2 to tell them! Really? This just seems crazy to me. I am always saying the wrong thing and offending his family so we'll how much drama me posting this causes!

Okay, so how would I of done it in their shoes? I would have called each of my children individually and told them each about it myself. Yes, I know it's hard and I'm sure you don't want to repeat it 6 times. Or- I would e-mail each of them and then call to make sure they know the e-mail is coming! See, it's not that hard!

Another one about my grandparents and my mom's death. The night after I first told James the story of my mom's death I was trying to sort out some feelings, feelings that me at 7 years old had and can now express and say.

These are the things I feel and the things I want, but I feel like I was talking to a brick wall and my parents don't care.


I feel...
small
unimportant
sad
forced (to pick my grandparents)
lonely
out of control
confused

I want...
someone to tell me the truth
to deal with my mom's death
a normal life
to be heard
to know about my mom
to be able to remember my mom
pictures of my mom
to remember what she smells like
to cry
to live with my aunt and uncle
an explanation (about my mom's death)
someone to talk to

10/1/09

This was the letter I wrote to my dad after Visit #4 with James-

Grandpa,

I've put this off for so many years. I have so many hurt and angry feelings I don't even know where to start. I still cringe when I talk to you on the phone. I hate being around you. I still fear that at any moment I will be verbally attacked!

You always have to look like the hero, like you are the most amazing guy in the world. I would love it if I could go through your house and take all your awards down. Better yet, I wish I could place on each of your awards names and words you have called me and the number of times you called me those things. I wish people knew the truth about you. On the outside you try to look like Superman, but on the inside you are really Lex Luther.

You constantly reminded me that you "took me in" when you didn't have to. You made me feel unwanted and unloved. I'm glad that aunt and uncle always reminded me that I WAS wanted!

You always had to brag that you were so on top of your genealogy. I wish I could go brag about how you would scream at me to go update it the second someone was born or died. How you would stand behind me as I worked on the computer, breathing your alcoholic breath on my neck.

Rules of a Dysfunctional Family

Today I was cleaning the bathroom I flashed back to one of the many rules in my house growing up. I now find humor in all these little things I could not do and things to triggered abuse, as they are all ridiculous! So here is a funny post about Rules of a Dysfunctional Family.

I was not allowed to do this, even at 18-years-old!

Why? Because I might spill bleach on the carpet...

This was a no-no after vacuuming...

This was the proper way...

And no I did NOT get those picture switched!

These were just a few things that triggered being verbally attacked-

9 times out of 10, it wasn't even me, but I got it anyways!


This is my actual trash can from when I was a teenager. If I had a piece of paper in my trash can on garbage day, watch out!

I did learn some new rules about how to have a functional family while doing foster care. Our 6-year-old's therapist taught me about picking your battles. Is THAT something you really want to get in an argument about? On a scale of 1 to 10 how important is it? I learned a lot and how him doing certain things like changing his clothes 3 times a day did not cause the end of the world. He was actually great about it and always put his clothes in the hamper, I was just tired of doing his laundry 3 times a week.

9/21/09

Visit #5 and 6
Yes it has been a crazy week to say the least. After 5 + years of marriage we are still learning more and more about each other. But then again, I don't think you ever stop. Things are great between us, we are still learning new and important things. I have been surprised and have laughed about our discovery this week. Sometimes it feels as if Brad is holding something back. As you can imagine it causes suspicions. After a visit with James on Tuesday and getting nowhere all week, we finally sat down Thursday night to talk. I told him that I felt like he was hiding something from me and I didn't care what it was (really, I just like the truth) just TELL me! He finally spit it out, he has been hiding his feelings and emotions! Sometimes I can be way too sensitive and I know that. He has been afraid that by saying something he will hurt my feelings. In hiding his feelings from me it has seemed like a bigger deal then it is. So he happened to have Friday off and went with me to see James.

I have found this so humorous because I was the Queen of "I don't know" and hiding/ stuffing my feelings and emotions! So we are working on it.

Friday night I flashed back to doing the Trading Post in SOLE. That's when I gave up my being closed up/ hiding and stuffing my feelings and emotions. I had my husband do it, although I did get some giggles from him and my friend who was there when I said "Picture a purple and gold Miss American banner" I had to start about 3 times before I got him to be serious!

I (and now my husband too) Traded: Being closed up for a banner and string

Picture a purple and gold Miss American banner which says "I Don't Know" draped across you. You look down and read the words and you rip it off and stomp it on the ground. "I don't know" is gone forever. Then you notice a string with a ring on it, and when you pull it your true feelings come out. "I miss you, Mom", "I love you, husband", "I am angry at you, Dad". You pull the string over and over with no fear and you say what you are thinking and feeling.

9/20/09

I had an appointment with James today, it got re-scheduled to next Tuesday. Coincidentally my grandma called just 30 minutes before I was to see James. I called her yesterday, they didn't answer so I left a message. The conversation was normal, well as normal as can be. There is a lot of silent gaps while talking to her, after years of this I am used to it. During our conversation she asked how I was doing? Fine. Just before we hung up she asked, Are you sure you're fine? Yes, why are you asking? Because you're really quiet and I wonder if there's something going on.

Now why would this annoy me? Well, first off I've been quiet since I was born, it's not abnormal for me not to talk. Secondly, when I do tell her things she either doesn't want to talk about it, minimizes it or makes it my fault. Does that sound like I really would want to talk to her about things going on in my life?

She did this same things over a year and a half ago. At the time I was seeing James dealing with things Jack did. My parents had NO idea anything went on with him and I was planning on keeping it that way. I was also being tested for some health problems, again my parents didn't know. My grandma called me one day to say they were going to be out of town, but would have their cell phone in case I needed to call and tell them ANYTHING. She kept asking if there was something she didn't know or something I wanted to tell her. I kept saying no.

After I hung up I kept thinking about it. I decided to tell her everything. I waited a little while until I felt ready. I told her everything, I don't remember her response, it wasn't wonderful or terrible. She was glad I was in counseling and encouraged me to keep going. Within a month or so of me telling her about what Jack did I was again talking to her on the phone. I asked her if she had told my dad, No because it would hurt him too much. She went on to tell me that she always thought it was weird when I watched Jack. Part of me wanted to know why and part of me didn't want to hear that my mom had a feeling something was going on. I asked why. "Because the dad was always there when you watched him." I was taken back, I don't remember the dad being there and then I asked her what that had to do with it. "Because the dad is the one who did it!" Really? How clear was I when I told her Jack did, not Jack's dad! She then asked, "It was the kid? What did he do touch you once or something?" I ended the conversation there.

After the test result came back negative my husband and I had a new theory on what was wrong with me (physically that is). The problem, it was something that happened when I was 17, I had told my mom about my health problem and she ignored it. I decided to approach her about it and knew how she was going to respond, by turning it around and making it MY fault. I started the conversation with, "Remember when this happened?" Yes. "Do you remember me telling you about how I was in constant pain because of it?" Yes... Not more than 5 seconds after I told her she was trying to turn it around, "How was I supposed to know you were in pain?" Because I told you and YOU ignored it, you just said you remember me telling you! I can't remember how many times in that conversation she attempted to make it my fault, but it was a constant battle.

There is also this post- here- I told her I was going back to seeing James and of course she had no interests in the subject. So why now? And really, why should I? I'm not trying to be mean, I wish I could trust her. I wish I could tell her and feel safe about it, but I can't.

Photo Friday: Pick Me!

In addition to Music Mondays, I'm going to try to do Photo Fridays. While in group #2, we did drawings on 3 different occasions and I enjoy drawing my feelings, emotions and flashbacks. I am also currently working on some things with James. I am starting with drawing and I know I need to work my way up to a letter, but it seems too much for right now.

This is my first current drawing for James. After talking about my mom's death and my controlling grandparents this is the first thing I drew about.


(Grandma) is telling me what to do and say. I am small and voiceless.

9/12/09

Visit # 4
Today with James was hard. It was a subject I do NOT talk about. (I said in my previous post, but I'm feeling emotionally drained for a while on the subject, my mom's death) James soon found out why. I was really anxious and nervous to talk about this for the first time. He asked if I was ready, if I wasn't we could wait. I just wanted it to be over with!

This past week as I've prepared for today, I realized that it has been anger and not sadness that has been bottled up. As I wrote out every little detail that I can remember that went on during that time I saw just how angry I am at the way things were handled. My favorite part of the session, James commented on how abusive and controlling the situation was. My exact words to him, "Oh, NO, it gets WORSE!"

I was surprised when he told me I was already at step 3.
Step 1, survive it. According to James I did a really good job at that.
Step 2, talking about it, which I did today with James, Yay, so glad that's over with.
On to #3...

Goals for this week-
draw about anger/ how I feel and/or
write letters to mom B and dad, possibly from my 7 year-old prospective

Sorry, I feel like I'm leaving a lot of details out.

This was the first thing I did, This is my 7 year-old "want"list-
I want to deal with my mom's death
I want a normal life
I want to be heard
I want to know about my mom
I want to be able to remember my mom
I want pictures of my mom
I want to remember what my mom smells like
I want to cry

9/8/09

SOLE standing for Survivors of Life's Experiences, although it is for ANY life experiences, let's face it, it focuses on abuse. My upcoming appointment with James is going to be rough, very emotionally rough. In my life there have been 3 "big" or main things that happened- Grandpa's abuse, Jack's abuse and my mom's death.

While seeing Joy we dealt mostly with Grandpa's verbal abuse and control. We talked a little about my mom's death, but never went into ANY details. SOLE was focused on dad as well, although I finally found some healing from my mom's death as I learned so much about the Atonement during SOLE.

Then I saw Aaron where we dealt with... nothing. He jumped around so much is never made sense. I saw him to deal with Jack's abuse, but he would always ask about my depression, my self image and occasionally wanted to talk about my mom's death but we never did.

I started seeing James Oct. of 2 years ago. We focused on Jack's abuse and Brad and I's relationship because of Jack's abuse.

Now I'm back with James. I think I started seeing him again because of Jack, I've already forgotten. Our first visit was about Jack, second and third visits about dad and now #4 is going to be about my mom's death.

Towards the end of the session when I told him I wanted to talk about it, he asked if I have told him the details before. Since it has been well over a year since I've seen him and you can imagine how many people he see and all the different things he hears, I don't blame him, in fact I'm impressed with what he does remember! I told him, No, I have not told him about it because I do NOT talk about it. It's finally time, after almost 18 years, it's time to tell someone. A few people have heard the story, but I think it was the most traumatic event in my life and still affects me 18 years later, dealing with PTSD, I need to talk to a professional about it!

Today (Monday) had been a very fun filled day. 2 friends and I went out to dinner, went shopping and were having tons of fun. Before heading home someone threw out going to the temple, okay sounds like fun! I didn't realize the affect walking around THAT temple was going to have on me while preparing to talk to James about my mom's death. THAT temple is bittersweet. My mom was endowed there. My parents were sealed there. To my knowledge Ted was endowed there too.

The last time I visited Grandma I said something about not remembering much about my mom. I can't believe grandma, who has refused to tell me anything about my mom, said "You can't remember when you were 7? I can remember a lot of things from when I was that age!" It's hard for a lot of reason.

I really don't like the song "Families Can Be Together Forever". I have a family here on Earth, they are so good to me. Yeah, nice wish. They abuse, manipulate and use me as much as they can. Sure, I'm married to a wonderful man who is good to me, but that's only been for 5 of 25 years.

Hayley and I went to the temple for peace and comfort, to get away from the world and our problems. Why can't I feel peace at this temple? All I can think of is my parents failed marriage and how bitter and angry Ted is at the church.

My mom had such an amazing testimony and love for the gospel. It never wavered. It's funny that we had the same parents growing up. Her life must of been much like mine. Our personalities are a lot alike.

I wonder if these were the wedding doors they came out of? (it has been over 27 years, maybe they have changed?)
I wonder what sealing room they were sealed in? All these questions that will never get answered. It's not just that my mom died, but Ted hates me! If I did ask him questions I would always wonder if they were tainted with lies.

I have some vague memories of going to our temple's open house. But I remember being there with my mom. I mostly remember the color peach and staring up at the chandelier in the Celestial room and my mom asking if I wanted to get married there. Then being in such amazement, I stayed there looking around the Celestial room and my family went on down the stairs without me.

-cue hives, sigh. Friday isn't going to be much better. Maybe I should take some benadryl before I even talk to James!!!!

9/5/09

Visit #3
Today with James was pretty stress-free (yay, no hives!) Now, getting ready for next week, I have a feeling is going to be rough. We talked more about the controlling-ness of some members of my family. We talked more about the "Drama Triangle" and the different roles and what one I fell into.


We talked about my dad's letter, why he said what he did. How I always HAD to be his (dad's) Scapegoat!

I've become comfortable talking about all my upbringing and all the abuse, but this is totally different. For the first time with any of my therapist/ counselors I will be talking about my mom's death. While I was seeing Joy I realized that I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). It's something I haven't dealt with, not that I haven't wanted to, just haven't gotten around to it until now. I'm nervous as it is a story I share with very, very few people!
I'm anxious and I have the urge to start writing what I want to say now.

9/3/09

After my previous post I wanted to find and read some old letters. Back in June of 2003 I went on a church history tour. My sister had gone the year before and had told me the "secret" that when you go to the Sacred Grove you get letters from your parents. She wrote me one too and gave it to me to take... It was one of the last days on the trip. It had been 2 weeks of bliss. I love church history, I was with one of my favorite people in the world, Sister Parker and I was away from home! I don't remember what thoughts went through my mind as the read the letters then, but dad's hit me during the testimony meeting we had that night. It was one of the things my Bishop and I talked about the night he recommended me to go to counseling. Tonight I wanted to read those letters and each of them left a sting, all for different reasons.

Grandma's "...I'm sorry I haven't been a better example to you... continue to study your scriptures, I know, I see your light on late you do read and study..." Ouch, lots of reason. Long story short, mom went in-active in the church when I was about 15. At this time she still was. She tried to get me to do things that were wrong and yelled at me for doing things that are right. I'll leave it at that.

Sister's "...I also want you to know how much I love you. I have not been showing that to you recently. But you need to know that I would go crazy without you. I look forward to the days where we call each other up after having a crazy day with our own children..." Before this letter sister and were close, extremely close. Things have gone down hill, we don't really speak. It's hard to read this and still long for a relationship. I have tried so many times, it is hard to give up on our relationship. I can't blame it all on her, as I am probably just as guilty, but I wish it could work.

Grandpa's (the hardest part is him talking about his testimony of the church, feeling the spirit in the Sacred Grove when he asked if the church was true. He isn't LDS and refuses to join)"... I have to figure out how to reconnect with my spiritual side. The interest and enthusiasm has waned. Some of it has been... the pressure of raising a couple of young adults." I have always interpreted it to be my fault he hasn't joined the church. I might of been reading too much into it, but it still makes me feel responsible.

9/2/09

Weird Dreams:
I am addicted to the internet. I seriously can not live without it. I'm in a blogging mood and our internet has been acting up. Finally it's up again. I don't have much to say but I'm dying to blog. Last night I had 2 weird dreams, which is not odd for me. I'm known for having very weird dreams.
Dream one- long story, all of Brad's family was mad at me, sigh, I don't want to go there right now.

Dream two- Grandma found out I was seeing James again (in real life I've told her but she had zero interests in that) and she forced me to give her James's number, called him and wanted to know everything I have told him!

Hum, that sounds familiar? Right after I moved out of my parents house I lived with my aunt and uncle for a few months. My aunt made me give permission for Joy to talk to her. I remember when Joy told me about their conversation. My aunt and uncle blamed all my "problems" on depression and they didn't think I was old enough to live on my own.

Emotionally I'm feeling stuck. I'm unsure of what to do... Grandma called a few days ago, not much conversation as usual. I feel sad that I can't talk to her about Jack stuff. Now that I think about it, I can't talk to mother-in-law either. I did once, 2 years ago. All she had to say was forgive and forget, move on... No support, no one asking how counseling going. My husband tries... I guess I'm feeling alone in this struggle. But Why? It used to be my lack of opening up to people that held me back. Now it's my lack of people to open up to.

9/1/09

Stress = hives
Back in Dec. 2007/ Jan. 2008 I was starting to see James one-on-one and dealing with Jack stuff.
Around that same time our dog had puppies and I all of a sudden started to constantly break out in hives. At first we could not figure out why. I thought it was a food allergy. I switched my diet around and still was breaking out in hives. I had never before in my life ever had hives. My Grandma told me that when she was a kid she got them everyday for weeks/ months and no one ever knew why. Okay, maybe it is a weird genetic thing? The only thing I didn't change was touching the puppies. Eventually the hives stopped, but within a year I broke out a few more times after being around other dogs. I came to the conclusion that I must be allergic to dogs.

Friday after my visit with James I was on my way to my friends house and I realized that I was getting hives again, on their favorite spot, my legs. I started thinking about it. Our dog had another litter of puppies, I never broke out. What is the common thing going on here? Seeing James !!! Oh my gosh, that's it! It has been all the stress that counseling brings that has been causing my hives all along. I better stock up on Benadryl...

8/30/09

Today I was cleaning out my desk and I came across some papers. About a year ago Grandpa gave them to me for me to looks at and duplicate, making one for each year... long story short, for some reason I am known as the computer whiz and the one he goes to if he ever needs something printed like signs. (He gave me these same papers a year earlier and I didn't make those either!) Making things for him on the computer, that brings back a LOT. FYI thinking about how he would hover over me, critiquing every little thing, smelling his horrible alcoholic breath, him literally breathing down my neck- while sitting at the computer typing is not good. I can just imagine him behind me right now!

Shortly after I found these papers my friend from Group #2(MacKenzie) came over. I took the papers out back and burned them! Sounds odd? It was such a relief, like I was no longer under his control. Really, what can he do because I did NOT make his flyers? Oh and I burnt the ones that he gave me to "copy"? He is so picky, controlling, and on and on and on. If there was a flower in the middle of one flyer, there had to be the same flower on the new flyer. Since I've been making these "flyers" for I don't know how many years, I've had different computers and different programs and he doesn't like it being different! Although I have to admit, back in 2003 I got a computer for graduation and didn't have a clip art program so he let me go buy a really nice, expensive one (obviously he paid for it) for me to have to make him his flyers!

8/21/09

Okay, this is really sad/ weird to say, but for 5 1/2 years I have HATED when Brad just randomly. sporadically gives me hug. I know, I'm weird. I haven't said anything to him because I felt like I would be a bad wife. I do enjoy his affect but when I'm walking across the room or doing the dished I don't want to be hugged! After my first visit back with James I had my first "Ah-Ha Moment" in a long time! I realized WHY I don't like them. Jack would do it all the time, of course, and it took me over 5 years to figure this out! When I was around Jack he would follow me around and was constantly hugging (and trying to kiss) me and it drove me nuts. So now whenever my husband just comes up and gives me a hug it reminds me of Jack! I'm totally okay with hugs when I know they are come, I'm not busy doing something or in intimate situations.

I always thought it was weird that I didn't like Brad's sporadic affection. For so long as a teenager I longed for that affection. I dreamt of the nights that someone would hold me in their arms. Now I just need to teach my mind that it is OKAY! One thing I got from seeing Aaron, I needed to re-program my mind to know that affection from my husband is okay. Remind myself it's not Jack, it's safe.

8/21/09 Counselor #3, Time in counseling #4, visit #1

Today I had my first visit back with James. It felt like it had just been a month since I had seen him and we just started back up where we left off!

My biggest fear, well after I talked to my bishop, was that James too was going to wonder WHY I was back and if I had been 3 times, what is the use in going a 4th? And he too will not understand WHAT a trigger is! Nope, I forgot, he is a professional and is dang good at his job! He kept saying it was "normal" to have triggers and come back for more counseling, GOOD!

Last night I kept asking Brad, why can't I just ignore my problems, that's what my family does! Brad (and James) both told me that it is not good, or healthy to ignore problems I'm having and I really do need to go back and deal with them. Towards the end I told James about what my Bishop said. He said he will talk to him, tell him that it is NORMAL, that I really do need to go and about the whole payment situation.

As James and I were talking I was thinking about writing Colleen again. A few minutes later James says that I might want to think about easing up on talk to her since that just might have been a trigger. Okay, maybe I won't be writing her and it has been almost 2 months since we have talked.

James said how great it was that I was being so open with him about such tough subject and details. I sat there a little stunned, yes I am actually OPEN, weird. Wow, 6 years ago I was seeing Joy and I was refusing to tell her anything!

I forgot to post about this, but last Sunday during the end of Sacrament meeting I was sitting out in the lobby. A guy walked in and was just wondering around, he was in church clothes and didn't look threatening, but I had never seen him before and I became terrified that he was going to do something to me! We have an older chapel, it's 3 floors, I thought about going downstairs to get away from him. Then I realized no one was down stairs and he could follow me and then no one else is around, but on the main floor there was at least everyone in Sacrament meeting right there. It is one of my biggest fears right now is "it" (sexual abuse) happening again!

Goal #1- I need to be able to feel safe with Brad. I always end up feeling so guilty that I just need my space from Brad. It's not him, it's just that I don't want to be touched. He can be really affectionate, which is nice, but at the same time I just want to be left alone for now. Which is also normal right now.

I was impressed with how much James remembered. Maybe he looked at my old file or something, but even Aaron couldn't remember week to week WHY I was even there!

Now that I've gone, I feel a lot better about going. I kept thinking I was fine, it really doesn't bother me, but it does.

8/20/09

It's been a long emotional day and it started way too early! James called me back today. Weird to think it's been over a year since I have seen or talked to him. He explained the situation, he has NO opening at LDS FS, but he also works at another counseling office and he can see me there! Works for me. Our LDS FS here in town has a bad reputation, at least that what I hear from others. I don't mind going there, but my only stipulation is I will ONLY see James!

After we made the appointment (for tomorrow!) I hung up and thought, why did I do that? I have no issues! Can you tell I've been trying really hard to convince myself that I'm fine and nothing's wrong? Wow, flash back to 6 years ago! We'll see how counseling time #4 goes...

8/13/09

It started the beginning of this year that my mom started mentioning topics that could possibly lead into the topic of abuse. I know it is not something we ever talk about. The only time I have talked to her about my cutting was when I told her for the first time. We have never talked about that fact that her husband is controlling and verbally abusive. She has belittled my experiences with Jack once while talk about it. After I told her what Jack did, she thought I said it was his dad. When I clarified that it was in fact Jack she asked, "What did he just touch you once or something?"

Ever since March I've been trying to think of the right words to say and the right questions to ask to see if she wanted to open up to me. For one month each summer dad goes out of state to visit family. Mom came up and visited us and I still didn't do it. I knew that I needed to get it off my chest and I would feel horrible if I ignored her signs for help like she ignored mine. I finally picked a time and decided to go down and just spend some time with her. My plan was to leave Tuesday morning and come home Wednesday afternoon/ evening. My friend, MacKenzie, ended up going down with me, leaving Tuesday afternoon. Right after we got there I started with a simple question I knew could open things up, "Do you like having dad gone?" It was like a little kid on Christmas morning, she got excited and said, "YES!!!" I then asked what she liked about him gone, "That he isn't here to tell me what to do!" I was in shock. I looked at MacKenzie and then at grandma and added, "Yeah, he can be a LITTLE controlling!" The conversation died down for the rest of the evening.

Wednesday I knew I needed to try again. We wanted to go swimming, but mom wanted to watch movies with us. We rented 17 Again and Obsessed, both were really good and we ended up leaving a lot later then expected, but oh well. During dinner I tried again, I don't remember where I started. I mentioned to MacKenzie that I hoped James would call me back soon to make an appointment. I told grandma that James was the counselor I was seeing last year, that I was going back and stuff. She didn't say anything. MacKenzie and I talked about our experiences in counseling, that we had met in group and such. Still not a word... I decided to take a leap and asked what I have been wondering since March. "Do you remember at my nephews's birthday party, you asked me where this scar came from? Why did you ask me that? Did you want to talk about something?" She said she just didn't remember it is all. MacKenzie, knowing where I wanted to go, chimed in, "Did you get it from cutting?" I told her no and we carried on a conversation about cutting and such. Still not a word from mom. Maybe we were coming on too strong? She only said how some counselors were, well I don't remember her exact word, but not very good. Okay. Did I mention my family is NOT one for counseling and thinks is rubbish??? Oh, almost forgot, she had to be reminded of who Jack is! Really? I'm convinced she forgets on purpose to protect herself so she doesn't have to feel responsible in any way.

Right after dinner, we did the dishes. I went to dry my hands and grabbed the dish towel from under the sink. As I grabbed it I asked mom (jokingly) "Is this clean?" The story with the dish towel, grandpa does a lot of yard work and when he comes in he uses the towel to wipe off his sweat and he puts it back. Gross, I know. That's why it's a rule to ask and make sure NOT to use grandpa's sweat rag. As I told MacKenzie the story behind it, mom looks at me and says, "Do NOT be telling our family SECRETS!" Oh my, and you wondered WHY I refused to tell Joy anything for 3 months?

At the same time, yes, there are things I still don't think should be posted on here for the world to see. Even though people have done bad things to me and I enjoy talking about them and my experiences in counseling, I don't think I should bash these people and the mistakes they made. I've forgiven them and that's what I try to focus on. I still struggle at times (duh, going BACK to seeing James and all) but for the most part I'm very happy.

- so, the long story short, I left frustrated. I didn't get her to open up to me, but then again MacKenzie was there too. As I talked to my husband on my way home he kept reminding me that I did open the door and how long did it take me to open up to someone about that stuff? That's true, it took me a long time to trust someone enough to tell them. I keep reminding myself that I did my part, the ball is now in her court and if she ever wants to talk about it I'll be there, but I'm not going to push it anymore.

Oh, another idea I had- When I was struggling I LOVED music. Up until last year grandma didn't do CD's. Then they got a new car with a CD player and she listening to CDs all the time. I'm going to put together a few CDs with songs that are uplifting, but not too strong on the abuse subject.

8/9/09

Well, not something I've planned on, but after a few recent triggers I decided to return to LDSFS for yet more counseling... sigh. Well, since we've moved and are in a new ward and new stake, I need to once again talk to Bishop E about it. This would be #6 that I've talked to about abuse stuff. FYI, it's not that fun! I have had 4 great, loving, supporting bishops and 1 that was supportive, but wasn't involved in the process, but not bad. So I go to #6, anyone who has been through abuse ever had to deal with/ talk to people that are "abuse illiterate/ stupid"? My friend, MacKenzie, described it perfectly, they ask questions but don't get it. They just don't understand and the more they try the worse it gets.

It is hard to explain to someone who knows nothing about abuse what a trigger is. Really, after trying to explain how you can be fine, 100% over it and then you see a quiche and your world is turned upside down again and once again you can't stop thinking about the abuse. He didn't get it, so he asked if there were new issues, really no, but I said yes. When he asked in what ways it was affecting me, I told him my relationship with my husband and I've had nightmares. His jaw dropped a little, but he tried to keep his composure! That part was a little funny. He asked 5+ times what James's name was and how to spell his last name. Then he grabbed a binder, started flipping through it and said he needed to check to see if James was one of their approved, recommended counselors. Um, he works at LDS Family Services, I think he's approved!!!!

He questioned if it would help me if I went back to counseling since I've already been 3 times. If it helped last time, why do I have to go back? It has helped me to talk to a friend who told me that her counselor has told her it is NORMAL to have triggers and most people once they are "done" still have occasional visits when triggers and such come up. Okay, so I'm not the crazy one who WAS fine and now needs more counseling!

- There is more, but I've already forgot.
I'm anxious and nervous about returning. Let's see how this goes...

7/20/09

Yes, it has been awhile. Even though I don't really have a job or children my life seems so hectic! I watch my friends little boy a few days a week and in my free time I just can't seem to accomplish everything I need to. I am STILL working on getting all the steps up. It is a lot bigger job then I thought it would be! I am so putting up my book! I've been working on it since I was 18 as I way to get my voice out. I have finished writing it, but just haven't got up the guts to send it in and see if I could get it published! I'm posting it on another blog.

7/11/09

I have a few too many things going on right now. I don't think life is ever going to slow down!

For the 4th of July we went down to my parents house. It times it is still hard sleeping in THAT room. After all these years of counseling, I've learned how to push past it. THAT room, the one we sleep in, I grew up in it... I woke up to my sister screaming that my mom had died, thinking it was a nightmare in there... I watched Jack in there. Too many things happened in THAT room. It was my room when I finally moved out. I shouldn't of been surprised that the same day I moved out they immediately switched it to their dream guest room!

I'm not sure what triggered it, but our first night visiting I was hit with a lot of guilt for something I have done in the past. I am anxious and very nervous to talk to my bishop about it. I just want it to be over and done with!

6/22/09

Hope seems to be the theme for this week! To top everything that has gone on in my life, divorce, death of my mom, and abuse of every kind, the icing on the cake has been infertility! Now, I'm not complaining. I've always seemed to have hope in all these trials. Lately the thought of ever being pregnant and having a child of my own has seemed hopeless! I've been to 4 doctors, none could figure out what was wrong. I've tried all sorts of medications, nothing has worked. This past week I started seeing Dr. #5 out of a desperate need for a second opinion. With in minutes of meeting him he discovered WHY I can't get pregnant and told me that were was still HOPE that it might just happen!

Today (Sunday) as Brad and I walked into Sacrament meeting we were greeted from our bishopric and our former bishop from another ward. Bishop R just happened to be the stake high councilman speaker. Bishop R was our bishop over 3 years ago. He was the first one, besides Brad, that I told what Jack had done. He got me going to counseling, when I was seeing Aaron. I remember one week after a rough visit with Aaron, talking to Bishop R and thinking that it was so much better talking to him then Aaron. He actually seemed to care and pay attention to what I was saying. He gave me advise and gave me numerous church articles to read about abuse. I stopped seeing Aaron because he wasn't helping me in any way. Bishop R asked if I wanted to try someone else, no. I had given up on LDSFS and thought for sure that they were all dumb, male counselors who couldn't possibly understand me. (James proved me wrong a few years later!)

Of course today's topic in Sacraments meeting was... hope! The first two speakers talked about always having hope. On Brad and I's drive home tonight from dinner at my aunt and uncles we talked about hope. It was the one thing that kept me going all those years. I had to have hope that someday things would get better. If I didn't have hope, I had nothing to live for! Hope pulled me though for many years. Then Bishop R talked, again about hope. He talked about his own struggle with depression, which I remember talking about with him years ago. Unfortunately, I have a big family history with depression and of course I too suffer from it. We have discovered recently that Prozac is my new best friend! It is crazy the world of difference in me when I'm on this little, dumb pill! It has made both Brad and I's lives a millions times better! Back, to what Bishop R was talking about... At one point he talked about when he was bishop and he would sit across his desk from people and counsel with them. He said that there were a lot of times that as he talk to those that were struggling he could feel the Savior's love for them. I don't know why, but it really touched me knowing that I could have been one of them.

6/7/09

I've been looking forward to this Sunday for awhile now. I teach Primary and although I love my class I've been looking forward to a week when none of the kids came and I got to go to Relief Society. Today was that day. I was thrilled as I went in. As the lesson wore on, my joy for being there turned to sorrow. I can't explain why. The lesson was on staying out of debt and staying away from pornography. The subject went way off course and made me uncomfortable. I prefer to focus on the positive things in my life. I like to talk about repentance and forgiveness not focus on the mistakes I've made. I felt like I had a huge sign over my head saying I was imperfect. I wished I could just disappear. Would it be too obvious if I just got up and left? The fact that I live in Utah where everything really does have to be perfect made it worst. There's a sweet old lady in my ward, she means well, but always seems to say something that bugs me. She said that people are too into trying to build up self esteem and it's something you are born with and Heavenly Father just gives you and you don't need to build it up! Sorry, but people have torn down my self esteem and I did have to build it up again and I'm proud of the fact that I did. The discussion went on about how horrible things in the world are and how horrible people are for doing things, for having self destructive thoughts and such. Maybe it's the fact that I've forgot to take my anti-depressed for a few days. Maybe it was the fact that the topics were making me feel guilty for taking them. I've heard that the gospel is the best anti-depressant, I've tried that. I can read scriptures, pray, sing hymns and such all day long, but it won't cure my chemical imbalance! Another sweet lady said that if you dream about something, set your mind to it and work at it, it will inevitably happen. So why am I not pregnant? At the end of class the RS President started talking about how diverse our ward is, in age, height, hair color, and that some were pregnant and how WONDERFUL it is. I hoped she would say something about those who hurt, those who struggle, nope. I looked at the other infertile sister in my ward and held back my tears. I have made mistakes, other have had made mistakes that have been forced upon me, I have forgiven and repented and moved on with my life. I felt like if I dared speak up and say that I used to cut that I would have been thrown out of the room. I'm not perfect, I do my best and try to see the best in others.

6/3/09

I actually need to get up early tomorrow, for once and of course I'm up late and can't sleep. A few weeks ago one of my sister-in-laws commented on how I treated our foster son, Joey. Well, long story short I decided to tell her about what was going on and here is what I e-mailed her- "I have been thinking about when we were talking about (husband) and I doing foster care and the way I treated Joey. I'm not trying to excuse the way I treated him, but I wanted to explain. I know I wasn't a perfect mom to him, but I was doing the best I could at the time. It all started long before my husband and I ever met. I don't know what you do or don't know about my past. In the past few years I've become open and comfortable talking about it all. When I was growing up my dad was verbally abusive. I had a hard time with it and didn't know how to deal with it all. Right after I graduated from high school I started in counseling for the first time. I met my husband the day after I finally moved out of my parents house. While my husband and I were engaged I was in a counseling group called SOLE for all woman who had been abused. It really did change my life, I learned how to forgive and move on with my life. (Sorry if you already knew all of that) Right after my husband and I got married I all of a sudden started to remember some other abuse that had taken place. When I was 12 I started baby-sitting one of my school teachers son, who at the time was 7. I baby-sat "Jack" for probably 3 years. During that time he sexually abused me. I didn't remember a single detail about the abuse until after we got married. After we moved to (here) I tried counseling again. It was a horrible experience and probably did more harm then help. I tried to move on with my life and I thought I was doing okay with it all. That is until we got Joey. He was almost 6, just a year younger then J was when I started watching him. Every time he touched me, wanted to sit on my lap, wanted some affect from his "mom" it triggered what Jack had done. It was extremely hard for me to be dealing with Joey when every time he touched me it reminded me of what Jack had done. Yes, I feel bad for the way I treated Joey. I wish I had been a better mother to him, one that he deserved. While we had Joey I started in counseling for a 3rd time. It was a great experience. I was able to work though all my issues with Jack.I went in another counseling group over a year ago and finished up seeing my counselor last year. I've been working on forgiving him and I'm finally starting to feel some closure about it all." She never responded to the e-mail and I wanted to just make sure she got it. I asked her on Facebook and she said she didn't know how to respond so she didn't. Tonight I've been preparing songs on my phone for a rode trip my friend and I are gonna have tomorrow. I'm so excited about it and didn't realized it was gonna be a rough night. I have also been struggling to get pregnant for 5 years and I was listening to a song about infertility that I've never heard before. That, plus writing sister-in-law back saying it's okay she didn't respond, equaled tears. To be honest, I'm not even 100% sure why. Is it just me or do you sometime just need to cry?