I had an appointment with James today, it got re-scheduled to next Tuesday. Coincidentally my grandma called just 30 minutes before I was to see James. I called her yesterday, they didn't answer so I left a message. The conversation was normal, well as normal as can be. There is a lot of silent gaps while talking to her, after years of this I am used to it. During our conversation she asked how I was doing? Fine. Just before we hung up she asked, Are you sure you're fine? Yes, why are you asking? Because you're really quiet and I wonder if there's something going on.
Now why would this annoy me? Well, first off I've been quiet since I was born, it's not abnormal for me not to talk. Secondly, when I do tell her things she either doesn't want to talk about it, minimizes it or makes it my fault. Does that sound like I really would want to talk to her about things going on in my life?
She did this same things over a year and a half ago. At the time I was seeing James dealing with things Jack did. My parents had NO idea anything went on with him and I was planning on keeping it that way. I was also being tested for some health problems, again my parents didn't know. My grandma called me one day to say they were going to be out of town, but would have their cell phone in case I needed to call and tell them ANYTHING. She kept asking if there was something she didn't know or something I wanted to tell her. I kept saying no.
After I hung up I kept thinking about it. I decided to tell her everything. I waited a little while until I felt ready. I told her everything, I don't remember her response, it wasn't wonderful or terrible. She was glad I was in counseling and encouraged me to keep going. Within a month or so of me telling her about what Jack did I was again talking to her on the phone. I asked her if she had told my dad, No because it would hurt him too much. She went on to tell me that she always thought it was weird when I watched Jack. Part of me wanted to know why and part of me didn't want to hear that my mom had a feeling something was going on. I asked why. "Because the dad was always there when you watched him." I was taken back, I don't remember the dad being there and then I asked her what that had to do with it. "Because the dad is the one who did it!" Really? How clear was I when I told her Jack did, not Jack's dad! She then asked, "It was the kid? What did he do touch you once or something?" I ended the conversation there.
After the test result came back negative my husband and I had a new theory on what was wrong with me (physically that is). The problem, it was something that happened when I was 17, I had told my mom about my health problem and she ignored it. I decided to approach her about it and knew how she was going to respond, by turning it around and making it MY fault. I started the conversation with, "Remember when this happened?" Yes. "Do you remember me telling you about how I was in constant pain because of it?" Yes... Not more than 5 seconds after I told her she was trying to turn it around, "How was I supposed to know you were in pain?" Because I told you and YOU ignored it, you just said you remember me telling you! I can't remember how many times in that conversation she attempted to make it my fault, but it was a constant battle.
There is also this post- here- I told her I was going back to seeing James and of course she had no interests in the subject. So why now? And really, why should I? I'm not trying to be mean, I wish I could trust her. I wish I could tell her and feel safe about it, but I can't.
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