While seeing Joy we dealt mostly with Grandpa's verbal abuse and control. We talked a little about my mom's death, but never went into ANY details. SOLE was focused on dad as well, although I finally found some healing from my mom's death as I learned so much about the Atonement during SOLE.
Then I saw Aaron where we dealt with... nothing. He jumped around so much is never made sense. I saw him to deal with Jack's abuse, but he would always ask about my depression, my self image and occasionally wanted to talk about my mom's death but we never did.
I started seeing James Oct. of 2 years ago. We focused on Jack's abuse and Brad and I's relationship because of Jack's abuse.
Now I'm back with James. I think I started seeing him again because of Jack, I've already forgotten. Our first visit was about Jack, second and third visits about dad and now #4 is going to be about my mom's death.
Towards the end of the session when I told him I wanted to talk about it, he asked if I have told him the details before. Since it has been well over a year since I've seen him and you can imagine how many people he see and all the different things he hears, I don't blame him, in fact I'm impressed with what he does remember! I told him, No, I have not told him about it because I do NOT talk about it. It's finally time, after almost 18 years, it's time to tell someone. A few people have heard the story, but I think it was the most traumatic event in my life and still affects me 18 years later, dealing with PTSD, I need to talk to a professional about it!
Today (Monday) had been a very fun filled day. 2 friends and I went out to dinner, went shopping and were having tons of fun. Before heading home someone threw out going to the temple, okay sounds like fun! I didn't realize the affect walking around THAT temple was going to have on me while preparing to talk to James about my mom's death. THAT temple is bittersweet. My mom was endowed there. My parents were sealed there. To my knowledge Ted was endowed there too.
The last time I visited Grandma I said something about not remembering much about my mom. I can't believe grandma, who has refused to tell me anything about my mom, said "You can't remember when you were 7? I can remember a lot of things from when I was that age!" It's hard for a lot of reason.
I really don't like the song "Families Can Be Together Forever". I have a family here on Earth, they are so good to me. Yeah, nice wish. They abuse, manipulate and use me as much as they can. Sure, I'm married to a wonderful man who is good to me, but that's only been for 5 of 25 years.
Hayley and I went to the temple for peace and comfort, to get away from the world and our problems. Why can't I feel peace at this temple? All I can think of is my parents failed marriage and how bitter and angry Ted is at the church.
My mom had such an amazing testimony and love for the gospel. It never wavered. It's funny that we had the same parents growing up. Her life must of been much like mine. Our personalities are a lot alike.
I wonder if these were the wedding doors they came out of? (it has been over 27 years, maybe they have changed?)
I wonder what sealing room they were sealed in? All these questions that will never get answered. It's not just that my mom died, but Ted hates me! If I did ask him questions I would always wonder if they were tainted with lies.I have some vague memories of going to our temple's open house. But I remember being there with my mom. I mostly remember the color peach and staring up at the chandelier in the Celestial room and my mom asking if I wanted to get married there. Then being in such amazement, I stayed there looking around the Celestial room and my family went on down the stairs without me.
-cue hives, sigh. Friday isn't going to be much better. Maybe I should take some benadryl before I even talk to James!!!!
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