12/10/09

I still haven't blog about, or even written about my last visit with James.

We talked about my e-mails with Collen. I should be feeling closure, but I'm not. I guess I was expecting one side of the spectrum or the other. Either she denies it or tells me she knew something happened to Jack and she was sorry he did it to me. It was right in the middle and I'm feeling stuck there. James keeps asking/ reminding me, why was I doing this? I keep saying I wasn't doing it for a certain reaction, I was doing it for me. I guess I have to just keep reminding myself that.

The next issue I have... Right after I stopped seeing Aaron I found an old English project from the 8th grade. I flipped through it and was shocked to find that in this project, one that I turned in to my teacher and she read and graded and gave back to me, I wrote some details about things Jack was doing to me.

I have a lot of emotions about this, I'm curious as to why this teacher didn't do anything. I mean, how can you read about a kid being sexually abused and do nothing?!? At the same time I try to justify it, just maybe she didn't read it. After all she had a lot of students and having to read 25 or so pages about each of them, just maybe she skimmed through it and missed that part. It is even harder that I really looked up to Mrs. W. Obviously I thought she was a safe enough person to even tell about the abuse. My own parents didn't know and weren't safe to tell, but I trusted her. I have trust issues to begin with then I realize that someone I really trusted and admired let me down. I feel hurt. I try not to get angry at her, but part of me is.

So, can you guess what my homework is? Write a letter to Mrs. W, but don't send it. Okay, am I really crazy here, or what, but I really want answers. I'm still on contact with her and I want to know first of all, if she read it. If she didn't then I have no reason to be mad.