Now that I have told Colleen, I feel more comfortable posting more about Jack on this blog. I always feared that since she had the link to my personal blog and I have a link to this blog she would see it and find out here.
2 years ago when I started talking to James about what Jack did this is what I told him-
I don't remember a lot, but what I do remember is pretty vague. I started baby-sitting Jack in June 1997. His mom was my science teacher that year in school, I was in the 6th grade. She, for some reason I never knew, asked me if I wanted to baby-sit her son. I loved baby-sitting, so I told her yes. I don't remember how old Jack was when I started to watch him, I think he was 8 and I was only 12 1/2. I watched him for around 2 to 3 years, I don't remember for sure when I stopped.
I don't know how long after I started watching him that it started. I don't remember how it started. I completely blocked it all out of my mind until after I got married. Jack loved to touch me, hug me and try to kiss me. If I was sitting down he had to be sitting as close to me as possible. If I scooted over, he did too. I saw him naked at least twice, I don't remember if he ever did anything to me while he was nude. He would pin me down on his bed and rub his penis against me, we were both fully dressed. I would tell him to stop and get off, but he never did. He out weighed me and was much stronger then me. He was extremely spoiled, so if he wasn't getting his way he threatened to rap me. I don't remember the exact words he used, but that is what he wanted to do.
On May 2, 1999 I wrote "I used to baby-sit this boy that was 9 years old and he liked me so if we were sitting on the couch he would scoot over and keep doing that, then he would hug me and not let go and try to kiss me. Worst of all he would lay on me and try to make out with me and tell me to suck his penis."
On Dec. 6, 2004 I started seeing Aaron, at that time I had a very hard time whenever Brad would touch me. In my mind I couldn't distinguish between Jack and Brad, if Brad started rubbing my back in my mind it was Jack. Aaron always asked very detailed questions about what Jack did and I was uncomfortable with them because he focused too much on unimportant details that I can't even remember. Feelings of being angry at Jack started to surface, but that is as far as they got, it was never dealt with. On Dec. 16, 2004 I wrote down what I could remember about what Jack did; he held me down on his bed at least 12 times, if not more. I baby-sat him at my house 3 to 4 times but he never did anything, that I can remember. If he didn't get his was he would make threats or become physically aggressive. He took karate and would practice on me, kicking and hitting me. I was completely powerless against him, it didn't matter what I said or did he was always controlling me. I stopped seeing Aaron in February of 2005.
A few weeks later I ended up talking to my old counselor, Joy. Talking to her helped enough that I felt like I had moved on and was starting to forgive Jack. It never seemed to come up again until we got Joey. Almost every time Joey touched me it reminded me of Jack.
I don't recall Jack ever doing and saying he would do something if I told anyone. I don't know why I never did, I didn't remember a single detail about it until about I got married.
It has affected me in many ways. At first it was really rough on Brad and I' relationship, but it has gotten a lot better since then. I still rarely enjoy sex or interested in doing it. I will do it to make husband happy. The only time I want to do it is because I am on fertility and I know I have to to get pregnant. Parenting Joey was really hard because I was constantly seeing him as Jack and I was in control for once, I had to refrain from doing things to Joey that I wanted to do to Jack. I have a lot of trusting issues, not just from Jack but everyone in my life. No one in my family has been trustworthy and it still takes a long time for me to trust anyone. When I was seeing Joy I didn't tell her anything for 3 months, then I had to wrote her a letter to get it all out. Four years ago all I would say was "I don't know" so that I wouldn't have to open up and acknowledge or deal with anything. I stopped doing that 3 1/2 years ago and now it is a lot easier to share everything. The only problem I have religiously is that if either Jack, or my Grandpa, was to join the church I have a hard time seeing them worthy to do so because of what they did to me. If either of them was to tell me they are sorry for what they did I would be okay with them being baptized.
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