12/29/09

Today with James, we went over some of the changes in me since I started seeing him again and some things I still want/ need to work on.

James mentioned the irony of my insane fear of men, yet I'm going to a male counselor! Yep, I've realized that. I was anti men, then I got stuck with Aaron. He was all my fear of a male counselor, horrible experience! I wasn't sure if I could trust counseling again. I don't know if she realized it, but that one time I talked to Joy after I stopped seeing Aaron was a huge help. Then of course stuff got triggered again. I remember telling my bishop "I will NOT go to another male counselor!" Lucky for me, I of course did. I was blessed that James is a great counselor. I actually trust him. He is the complete opposite of Aaron and is much like Joy except is a man. I don't think I said it about our last visit, but, we were talking about Jack. He stopped and asked me if the situation I was talking about if Jack was clothed or not. I thought about it for a second and answered, "I don't remember." James was quick to respond, that's okay let's move on. Aaron on the other hand, he really pushed for me to remember things that I honest do not remember! I felt so uncomfortable sitting then when he told me I HAD to remember! I felt guilty for not being able to remember. After I stopped seeing him I read an article by an LDS general authority, I think it was Richard G. Scott (who I've met and shock hands with!) that said it is horrible to force memories and can cause false memories! No wonder I felt so uncomfortable with it. I was glad when James didn't push me to remember and did the opposite and quick told me to move on with what I was saying.

I'm working on a letter to Jack. I don't know why I am so hesitant about it. I am so afraid to face that, to face him, to write him, to express all my feelings!

We talked for a minute about how I haven't been able to trust men. As James said, "you haven't been able to trust Ted, well I mean Grandpa and also Jack." I thought of the irony of that, actually I haven't been able to trust Ted either. In fact, I have never been able to trust Ted. Grandpa at least has at times been trustworthy and been a good dad. I should post the e-mails I've gotten from Ted. The first time I read them I thought, Wow, I'm actually glad I was raised by my crazy parents then this psycho! Even though my parents weren't perfect, there are still things I admire in their parenting. Ted, there is nothing I admire. Except for DNA, we have nothing in common.