10/21/09

I've lost track of what # visit I'm at. It is 2 AM, I'm sitting in bed, almost in tears and I feel like I'm gonna puke! It's been a weird, emotional past few days. Last night as I tried to sleep I thought about things Grandpa did. Nothing bad, just weird and creepy! I don't know if I've said it or not, but I feel like saying it again- In my late teens, the last few years leading up to me moving out- he would not only go through my trash, but would pull certain things and place them on my bed! A few days ago as I was taking out the trash I thought about this and I can't stop thinking about it! Why? Last night as I thought about it and tried to sleep it made me feel disgusted! Such an invasive and creepy thing to do. (trust me there is more to it than that). I laid there crying. 6 years ago I still lived at home, struggled with cutting and just wanted someone to be there for me. I turned around and snuggled with my husband, he was sound asleep, but I just needed to know that he was physically there.

Our relationship has been, well, I don't know the word for it. We're working on, trying to make it stronger. We are nowhere close to separating or divorcing, nothing major at all, just working on things. So today with James I had hurt tears! I'm tearing up thinking about it. It's a work in progress. At the same time I struggle with infertility. So many people have told me that having a baby together makes your marriage stronger and you feel closer. That may never happen. Today James asked if I expect our marriage to be exactly like my husband's parents, no. It's been a roller coaster the past few days.