10/4/09

I'm used to writing letter, but not sending them. Just the other day I started working on letters to my parents about things involving my mom's death. Then tonight I started thinking, what will I say if grandma asks me again if something's going on. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to be direct with her. As I thought about the things I would say I wanted to write a letter, not just any letter, send it! Gasp!!!! I'm still not sure. For now I will write it and see what I think in a day or two.

This is what I have so far-

Grandma,

You obviously suspect something is going on since you asked when I talked to you a few weeks ago. I told you there was nothing because I have to protect myself.

If I do tell you I need to know that it is safe to tell you. It has to do with Jack. Do you remember? His mom was my teacher in the 6th grade, I baby-sat him and he sexually abused me. The last time we talked about what Jack had done you asked "What did he just touch you once or something?" To me that is minimizing what I went through. I need people to validate my feelings and actually believe me that it happened. I always fear, because he was younger than me, that no one will believe me that it happened. If you want to know the details I will tell you, but I need to know that you are going to take me seriously. I'm tired of people brushing it off as nothing.

When we (Brad and I) told his parents all his mom said was "forgive and forget". I know I need to forgive him, but it is a process and it will take time. I don't need to hear that right now. I don't expect you to know what to say or do. I don't expect anything from you, but just believe me that it happened and don't minimize it. It takes a lot emotionally to be dealing with all this stuff, things that Jordan did and things that went on while I still lived at home.

This is my forth time in counseling. I don't know if you remember or not about the first time I went when I was still living at home. If you ever want to talk about it or have questions I am really open about all my counseling experiences.

The first I went, it really changed me. I was in a group called SOLE, it focused on the Atonement and healing. The second time I went I had a horrible experience. It was up here about 5 years ago. I wasn't sure if I could trust counseling again. I tried to convince myself that I was fine, that what Jack did wasn't bothering me. Then we got Joey. I had a really hard time with him because it was a constant reminder of what Jack had done. That's when I went back to counseling, all three times at LDS Family Services. I started seeing a guy named James, he is by far the best counselor I've had. He helped a lot. For the most part I had moved on with my life. I stopped seeing him in June of 2008.

I didn't really see this coming, going back to counseling again. I am seeing James again, I just started seeing him at the end of Aug. so we will have to see how things go this time.

I know a lot of people think counseling or therapy is not helpful at all. I know of some counselors that are horrible, but I also know some great ones too. 2 of my 3 counselors have been wonderful and it has been extremely helpful in my life.

I love you. If you ever want to talk about anything just say so.

- so. to send or not to send, that's the question. For now I'm leaning towards send. I need to direct my feelings for once and not feel like I have to hide them or what I've been through!