Hope seems to be the theme for this week! To top everything that has gone on in my life, divorce, death of my mom, and abuse of every kind, the icing on the cake has been infertility! Now, I'm not complaining. I've always seemed to have hope in all these trials. Lately the thought of ever being pregnant and having a child of my own has seemed hopeless! I've been to 4 doctors, none could figure out what was wrong. I've tried all sorts of medications, nothing has worked. This past week I started seeing Dr. #5 out of a desperate need for a second opinion. With in minutes of meeting him he discovered WHY I can't get pregnant and told me that were was still HOPE that it might just happen!
Today (Sunday) as Brad and I walked into Sacrament meeting we were greeted from our bishopric and our former bishop from another ward. Bishop R just happened to be the stake high councilman speaker. Bishop R was our bishop over 3 years ago. He was the first one, besides Brad, that I told what Jack had done. He got me going to counseling, when I was seeing Aaron. I remember one week after a rough visit with Aaron, talking to Bishop R and thinking that it was so much better talking to him then Aaron. He actually seemed to care and pay attention to what I was saying. He gave me advise and gave me numerous church articles to read about abuse. I stopped seeing Aaron because he wasn't helping me in any way. Bishop R asked if I wanted to try someone else, no. I had given up on LDSFS and thought for sure that they were all dumb, male counselors who couldn't possibly understand me. (James proved me wrong a few years later!)
Of course today's topic in Sacraments meeting was... hope! The first two speakers talked about always having hope. On Brad and I's drive home tonight from dinner at my aunt and uncles we talked about hope. It was the one thing that kept me going all those years. I had to have hope that someday things would get better. If I didn't have hope, I had nothing to live for! Hope pulled me though for many years. Then Bishop R talked, again about hope. He talked about his own struggle with depression, which I remember talking about with him years ago. Unfortunately, I have a big family history with depression and of course I too suffer from it. We have discovered recently that Prozac is my new best friend! It is crazy the world of difference in me when I'm on this little, dumb pill! It has made both Brad and I's lives a millions times better! Back, to what Bishop R was talking about... At one point he talked about when he was bishop and he would sit across his desk from people and counsel with them. He said that there were a lot of times that as he talk to those that were struggling he could feel the Savior's love for them. I don't know why, but it really touched me knowing that I could have been one of them.
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