6/7/09

I've been looking forward to this Sunday for awhile now. I teach Primary and although I love my class I've been looking forward to a week when none of the kids came and I got to go to Relief Society. Today was that day. I was thrilled as I went in. As the lesson wore on, my joy for being there turned to sorrow. I can't explain why. The lesson was on staying out of debt and staying away from pornography. The subject went way off course and made me uncomfortable. I prefer to focus on the positive things in my life. I like to talk about repentance and forgiveness not focus on the mistakes I've made. I felt like I had a huge sign over my head saying I was imperfect. I wished I could just disappear. Would it be too obvious if I just got up and left? The fact that I live in Utah where everything really does have to be perfect made it worst. There's a sweet old lady in my ward, she means well, but always seems to say something that bugs me. She said that people are too into trying to build up self esteem and it's something you are born with and Heavenly Father just gives you and you don't need to build it up! Sorry, but people have torn down my self esteem and I did have to build it up again and I'm proud of the fact that I did. The discussion went on about how horrible things in the world are and how horrible people are for doing things, for having self destructive thoughts and such. Maybe it's the fact that I've forgot to take my anti-depressed for a few days. Maybe it was the fact that the topics were making me feel guilty for taking them. I've heard that the gospel is the best anti-depressant, I've tried that. I can read scriptures, pray, sing hymns and such all day long, but it won't cure my chemical imbalance! Another sweet lady said that if you dream about something, set your mind to it and work at it, it will inevitably happen. So why am I not pregnant? At the end of class the RS President started talking about how diverse our ward is, in age, height, hair color, and that some were pregnant and how WONDERFUL it is. I hoped she would say something about those who hurt, those who struggle, nope. I looked at the other infertile sister in my ward and held back my tears. I have made mistakes, other have had made mistakes that have been forced upon me, I have forgiven and repented and moved on with my life. I felt like if I dared speak up and say that I used to cut that I would have been thrown out of the room. I'm not perfect, I do my best and try to see the best in others.