6/3/09

I actually need to get up early tomorrow, for once and of course I'm up late and can't sleep. A few weeks ago one of my sister-in-laws commented on how I treated our foster son, Joey. Well, long story short I decided to tell her about what was going on and here is what I e-mailed her- "I have been thinking about when we were talking about (husband) and I doing foster care and the way I treated Joey. I'm not trying to excuse the way I treated him, but I wanted to explain. I know I wasn't a perfect mom to him, but I was doing the best I could at the time. It all started long before my husband and I ever met. I don't know what you do or don't know about my past. In the past few years I've become open and comfortable talking about it all. When I was growing up my dad was verbally abusive. I had a hard time with it and didn't know how to deal with it all. Right after I graduated from high school I started in counseling for the first time. I met my husband the day after I finally moved out of my parents house. While my husband and I were engaged I was in a counseling group called SOLE for all woman who had been abused. It really did change my life, I learned how to forgive and move on with my life. (Sorry if you already knew all of that) Right after my husband and I got married I all of a sudden started to remember some other abuse that had taken place. When I was 12 I started baby-sitting one of my school teachers son, who at the time was 7. I baby-sat "Jack" for probably 3 years. During that time he sexually abused me. I didn't remember a single detail about the abuse until after we got married. After we moved to (here) I tried counseling again. It was a horrible experience and probably did more harm then help. I tried to move on with my life and I thought I was doing okay with it all. That is until we got Joey. He was almost 6, just a year younger then J was when I started watching him. Every time he touched me, wanted to sit on my lap, wanted some affect from his "mom" it triggered what Jack had done. It was extremely hard for me to be dealing with Joey when every time he touched me it reminded me of what Jack had done. Yes, I feel bad for the way I treated Joey. I wish I had been a better mother to him, one that he deserved. While we had Joey I started in counseling for a 3rd time. It was a great experience. I was able to work though all my issues with Jack.I went in another counseling group over a year ago and finished up seeing my counselor last year. I've been working on forgiving him and I'm finally starting to feel some closure about it all." She never responded to the e-mail and I wanted to just make sure she got it. I asked her on Facebook and she said she didn't know how to respond so she didn't. Tonight I've been preparing songs on my phone for a rode trip my friend and I are gonna have tomorrow. I'm so excited about it and didn't realized it was gonna be a rough night. I have also been struggling to get pregnant for 5 years and I was listening to a song about infertility that I've never heard before. That, plus writing sister-in-law back saying it's okay she didn't respond, equaled tears. To be honest, I'm not even 100% sure why. Is it just me or do you sometime just need to cry?