11/23/09

Last night (Saturday night) I asked Brad if he would sub my primary class, he so nicely said no. During sacrament meeting I begged him to do at least half of it, again no luck. I failed to explain to him WHY I needed/ wanted him to sub for me. I desperately need a break. After talk to James I realized how lacking spiritually I am and being stuck in the basement with 5 year old does NOT help. I went to class annoyed that Brad was refusing to help me out. I had 3 of the 4 kids in my class there, plus a visitor and it was horrific! I seriously sat there and gave up on trying to talk when they were not listening to a word I was saying. After church we went out to the car and I started bawling! I told Brad how annoyed I was that he refused to help me. He didn't know that I desperately NEEDED just one break from my calling. He told me that he will talk to someone in the bishopbrick and see if I can get someone at least once a month to cover for me. That would be wonderfual. I love my calling, but I need to be getting more out of church! We got home, I continued to cry (I had a lot of built up stress that needed to get out). I then said, watch just because I'm having a crappy day I'm gonna have an e-mail from Colleen. Guess what? I did! I couldn't bring myself to reading it. I told Brad to read it and then let me know how bad it was. I went in the other room and then yelled, "Well?" It wasn't so bad actually. This is all her e-mail said- "I am shocked and need you to tell me more please...he was just a toddler...how on earth could He have abused you? What on earth happened....???" After another half hour of crying I finally felt better. Brad and I went over to our friends house for a little while and on the way over there I started working on my response to Colleen. I was shockingly CALM about the whole thing. Now as I continue to work on it I have that- sick to your stomach feeling, yuck. I've debated back and forth with how much I should share with her and I decided, what the heck, here it all is! This is my response, which I am seconds away from sending (gulp)! ***Just a warning, pretty graphic details in this... "I know it's hard to believe. Jack being younger then me, it is hard to imagine that such a thing could of happened. I realize you might not believe me. That's okay if you don't. Telling you is just something I personally needed to do. It started out with small things that seemed like no big deal at the time. I thought that Jack must have a crust on me. He was about 7 when I started watching him? (FYI, I was 12 1/2). He liked to hug me and sit next to me, next to me being practically on my lap. He would also try to kiss me. There were numerous times that he would hold me down on his bed & lay on top of me. He would rub his penis against me, we were both fully clothed but still... He would try & touch me "down there". There was at least one time that I remember that he was holding me down and he stuck his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I usually don't share all those details because it is still hard for me to talk about it all. I know it might seem unbelievable that any of those thing could of happened but they did. I am sorry to be telling you all these horrific details. I am really not trying to hurt anyone. I just wanted the truth to be out there."