11/13/09

This session I was slightly anxious/ nervous, but it was a great session. I've been thinking about my possible new job, that was the main thing James and I talked about. during the session I went back and forth about it and finally decided. I'm just NOT ready to do it. Logically- yes I am 25 and the boy is 10, do I think realistically that it (sexual abuse) will happen again, probably not. The other things James brought up, there is 3 kids, not just 1 and it's even more less likely to happened with 2 other kids running around. After a lot of thinking and James pointing out all the pros and cons, I've decided NOT to risk having come this far and my relationship with my husband for a few $.

James also asked, what would you do if your Bishop asked you & your husband to teach a primary class that was all boys that were 8 to 10. Well, is my husband was there, no problem, but me alone, NO WAY. Then I pointed out the irony that I do teach primary and I used to have an ALL boys class, but they are 5! LOL, I'm not scared of 5 year olds.

I also thought about it in a little bit different way. In the kids I currently watch I have 2 boys and I'm not scared of them. Of course they are 2 and 3! But I realized, one of the reason I'm not scared of them is because I know their parents really well! That seems to be a huge comfort for me. The thought of watching this 10 year old, I don't know his parents at all. His parents were a little "grungy" looking and that doesn't help. The more I thought about it I realized, that 5 years down the road, I don't see myself being scared to watch the boys I watch now. First- I've know them since they were little. Secondly- I know their parents. It's WAY different then NOT know the parents and meeting him at 10 years old. Am I making any sense? I get my logic, that's the important part.

Next topic- I've been thinking about it for a long time. To tell or not to tell Colleen? I get in contact with her with the goal of telling her about what her son did. After a few e-mails and really opening up to her about what my dad did, I just didn't feel ready to take the plunge. Even though she was pretty good (in her response) about it all, I just wasn't so sure.

I talked to James about it and he asked my reasoning behind it. Did I want to do it for me or for Jack or Colleen? Was I expecting a certain reaction from her? Was I doing it just to have the truth out there? My intentions have always been just to have it out there in the open. I hate feeling like I am hiding things. I am doing this for ME. I need it for MY healing. Although I am curious if Colleen had and suspicions it was going on. I wonder if she knows that something happened to Jack or WHY he would do it to me? I may not get my answers, but that's not why I'm going to tell her.

My homework for next week- write Colleen a letter. Don't send it yet, just work on it and bring it in to talk to James about it some more.