11/25/09

To be honest I'm still in a little shock. Shocked that I told her, shocked at her response and still waiting from an e-mail of it all backfiring! My sweet friend told me, You know that e-mail isn't coming? Yes, I do know but I still can't believe it. I still have mixed emotions about it all. Relief hasn't set in yet. I can't help but think what possibly is going through her mind. Man, I really wish I knew.

I've decided to leave my contact with her at that. I get the vibe that she needs some time and space to digest it all. I'm open to more contact if she wants, but I don't want to be forcing myself (and the pain of what Jack did) into her life.

After writing that update I went and got a CD I have with info and such on it. I have a few pictures of Colleen on there. To be honest, I've been avoiding looking at them. I haven't looked at them in a LONG time. As I looked at her face it made me cry. I started thinking, What have I done? What did I just do to her life? I'm trying not to feel guilty about it, but looking at her is making me feel bad. However, when I see pictures of Jack, I just want to punch him!

I try to be so discrete on here, but I really want to post pictures of both Colleen and Jack... But then again I fear the repercussions of doing so. (a few months ago I harmlessly posted some pics of my husband family on my personal blog and they Flipped out! So I'm really hesitant about posting pictures of people)

LOL, so I was looking at what are the files I had on that CD and I'm laughing at what I found. I discovered that I wrote a letter to Colleen 1 1/2 years ago telling her (obviously I didn't send it and didn't intend to immediately) Wow, I can't believe I forgot that I already wrote that. Here is the letter I wrote on May 21, 2008-

"Dear Mrs.,
It has been a long time since I have seen or talk to you last.
I graduated from high school 5 years ago and have been married for 4 years now. We moved to .... a few months after we got married and we love it here. Although my husband and I haven't been able to have kids yet we have a great life and are very happy.
I don't know how to go about telling you this, but when I baby-sat Jack he molested me.
If you were wondering why I didn't tell you sooner, it's a long story. First of all I didn't remember anything that had happened until right after I got married. I mean, I obviously remember baby-sitting Jack, but I had blocked out all the details. About 6 months after I got married I decided to try counseling. After that ended only a few months later, badly, I tried to just forget about it all. It wasn't until 10 months ago that I decided to once again try counseling. Very few people even know it happened. My mom B just found out a few months ago. I think she is either in denial or she doesn't believe me.

I am not mad at you or hold you responsible in any way. I don't want or expect anything from you or Jack. I'm not even completely sure why, but I felt like you needed to know.

Feel free to contact me, or if you don't want to I understand."