Okay, long story... Sunday I gave Grandma the letter! She said she wanted to talk. I have been hesitant about the whole thing. Growing up I never knew what Grandma I was going to get- she could be supportive, she could be minimizing of thing, she could defend dad, she could say I made Grandpa do/say what he did. My family is in denial that Grandpa is abusive and an alcoholic. After yesterday all I can think about is the night I told Grandma that I was moving out and I asked her if she knew Grandpa was verbally abuse. Her response "You're just too sensitive. What he says would not bother most kids!"
Sunday after reading the letter she said she wanted to talk. Tuesday I went to talk to her and she avoided the whole subject. I was very annoyed about the whole thing. Wednesday I told her that we needed to leave by a certain time and if she wanted to talk she needed to do it then. Brad and I went and saw his brand new little niece (who is freaking adorable)! The second I walked in the door my mom asked me about SOLE and said she too was in a group like that (focusing on the Atonement and forgiving)! My jaw about hit the floor! She went on to tell me that she realizes that he said things to me and she feels guilty for never stopping him, for not stepping in or defending me! She told me that she's sorry and she feels really guilty. (Um, can you say WOW!) I'm still just in shock about the whole conversation. She even said stuff in front of my husband, while at a restaurant!
I asked her if she had thought about going to counseling. She said she went after her brother died and the woman at LDSFS said that there was nothing wrong with her. It doesn't help that my family is against counseling then the one time she goes she had a bad experience. She also said she doesn't like talking about thing. I just laughed, "Yeah, me too! I didn't talk at all at first! It took me months to tell my counselor anything!"
It's felt like a huge relief and seems so weird still. It's odd to be able to talk openly about my Grandpa and things he has said or done with another family member, let alone my Grandma! She also told me that she thought it was horrible when Grandpa would be-little me for my first job I had right out of high school. I vividly re-call the scream of "your job is worst then flipping burgers at McDonald's!" I can't believe she even remembered that. I only had that job for 2 months and that was over 6 years ago.
Her talking about Grandpa saying that about my job reminds me of the night I started cutting. As I have mentioned, I had NO privacy. Grandpa had read my journal and I had written that Sister Parker was like a mom to me. Sister Parker was the first person I ever told about the abuse and an amazing support to me. Well, Grandpa of course freaked out when he read this. After his horrific screaming battle I had had it! I could NOT take it any more. I was determined that the abuse was going to end one way or another! It was either going to be me or Grandpa that was going to die that night. I was out in our garage rummaging through Grandpa's tools to find something to kill either him or myself with when Grandma came out there. For once she actually talked to me and didn't defend him or excuse his behavior. I remember her saying that he had no right to be reading my journal. Grandma actually being a mom for once saved someone's life that night!
- I saw James right after we got home and this is part of my homework is to write about what went on with Grandma and how I've been feeling about it all. So, my feelings right now aside from shocked... I'm so happy that I decided to write and give her that letter. I'm glad that I didn't give up on trying to talk to her, although I have to admit, this was her last chance. I tried so many times and she would seem interested and then avoid the subject so I was about ready to call it quits! Like I kept telling Brad, I didn't want to avoid her cries for help like she avoided/ ignored all of mine. I hope that I can be a support and strength to her. I hope she feels comfortable talking to me and realized that it is safe.
I'm trying to keep realistic expectations- Grandma and I may never talk about such things again. I hope we do, but I need to remember we might not. After 25 years of unstable reactions from her I am still hesitant about talking about Jack stuff. I feel safe keeping it on the Grandpa subject, but I'm not ready to be that vulnerable with her yet!
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