It started the beginning of this year that my mom started mentioning topics that could possibly lead into the topic of abuse. I know it is not something we ever talk about. The only time I have talked to her about my cutting was when I told her for the first time. We have never talked about that fact that her husband is controlling and verbally abusive. She has belittled my experiences with Jack once while talk about it. After I told her what Jack did, she thought I said it was his dad. When I clarified that it was in fact Jack she asked, "What did he just touch you once or something?"
Ever since March I've been trying to think of the right words to say and the right questions to ask to see if she wanted to open up to me. For one month each summer dad goes out of state to visit family. Mom came up and visited us and I still didn't do it. I knew that I needed to get it off my chest and I would feel horrible if I ignored her signs for help like she ignored mine. I finally picked a time and decided to go down and just spend some time with her. My plan was to leave Tuesday morning and come home Wednesday afternoon/ evening. My friend, MacKenzie, ended up going down with me, leaving Tuesday afternoon. Right after we got there I started with a simple question I knew could open things up, "Do you like having dad gone?" It was like a little kid on Christmas morning, she got excited and said, "YES!!!" I then asked what she liked about him gone, "That he isn't here to tell me what to do!" I was in shock. I looked at MacKenzie and then at grandma and added, "Yeah, he can be a LITTLE controlling!" The conversation died down for the rest of the evening.
Wednesday I knew I needed to try again. We wanted to go swimming, but mom wanted to watch movies with us. We rented 17 Again and Obsessed, both were really good and we ended up leaving a lot later then expected, but oh well. During dinner I tried again, I don't remember where I started. I mentioned to MacKenzie that I hoped James would call me back soon to make an appointment. I told grandma that James was the counselor I was seeing last year, that I was going back and stuff. She didn't say anything. MacKenzie and I talked about our experiences in counseling, that we had met in group and such. Still not a word... I decided to take a leap and asked what I have been wondering since March. "Do you remember at my nephews's birthday party, you asked me where this scar came from? Why did you ask me that? Did you want to talk about something?" She said she just didn't remember it is all. MacKenzie, knowing where I wanted to go, chimed in, "Did you get it from cutting?" I told her no and we carried on a conversation about cutting and such. Still not a word from mom. Maybe we were coming on too strong? She only said how some counselors were, well I don't remember her exact word, but not very good. Okay. Did I mention my family is NOT one for counseling and thinks is rubbish??? Oh, almost forgot, she had to be reminded of who Jack is! Really? I'm convinced she forgets on purpose to protect herself so she doesn't have to feel responsible in any way.
Right after dinner, we did the dishes. I went to dry my hands and grabbed the dish towel from under the sink. As I grabbed it I asked mom (jokingly) "Is this clean?" The story with the dish towel, grandpa does a lot of yard work and when he comes in he uses the towel to wipe off his sweat and he puts it back. Gross, I know. That's why it's a rule to ask and make sure NOT to use grandpa's sweat rag. As I told MacKenzie the story behind it, mom looks at me and says, "Do NOT be telling our family SECRETS!" Oh my, and you wondered WHY I refused to tell Joy anything for 3 months?
At the same time, yes, there are things I still don't think should be posted on here for the world to see. Even though people have done bad things to me and I enjoy talking about them and my experiences in counseling, I don't think I should bash these people and the mistakes they made. I've forgiven them and that's what I try to focus on. I still struggle at times (duh, going BACK to seeing James and all) but for the most part I'm very happy.
- so, the long story short, I left frustrated. I didn't get her to open up to me, but then again MacKenzie was there too. As I talked to my husband on my way home he kept reminding me that I did open the door and how long did it take me to open up to someone about that stuff? That's true, it took me a long time to trust someone enough to tell them. I keep reminding myself that I did my part, the ball is now in her court and if she ever wants to talk about it I'll be there, but I'm not going to push it anymore.
Oh, another idea I had- When I was struggling I LOVED music. Up until last year grandma didn't do CD's. Then they got a new car with a CD player and she listening to CDs all the time. I'm going to put together a few CDs with songs that are uplifting, but not too strong on the abuse subject.
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