Today I had my first visit back with James. It felt like it had just been a month since I had seen him and we just started back up where we left off!
My biggest fear, well after I talked to my bishop, was that James too was going to wonder WHY I was back and if I had been 3 times, what is the use in going a 4th? And he too will not understand WHAT a trigger is! Nope, I forgot, he is a professional and is dang good at his job! He kept saying it was "normal" to have triggers and come back for more counseling, GOOD!
Last night I kept asking Brad, why can't I just ignore my problems, that's what my family does! Brad (and James) both told me that it is not good, or healthy to ignore problems I'm having and I really do need to go back and deal with them. Towards the end I told James about what my Bishop said. He said he will talk to him, tell him that it is NORMAL, that I really do need to go and about the whole payment situation.
As James and I were talking I was thinking about writing Colleen again. A few minutes later James says that I might want to think about easing up on talk to her since that just might have been a trigger. Okay, maybe I won't be writing her and it has been almost 2 months since we have talked.
James said how great it was that I was being so open with him about such tough subject and details. I sat there a little stunned, yes I am actually OPEN, weird. Wow, 6 years ago I was seeing Joy and I was refusing to tell her anything!
I forgot to post about this, but last Sunday during the end of Sacrament meeting I was sitting out in the lobby. A guy walked in and was just wondering around, he was in church clothes and didn't look threatening, but I had never seen him before and I became terrified that he was going to do something to me! We have an older chapel, it's 3 floors, I thought about going downstairs to get away from him. Then I realized no one was down stairs and he could follow me and then no one else is around, but on the main floor there was at least everyone in Sacrament meeting right there. It is one of my biggest fears right now is "it" (sexual abuse) happening again!
Goal #1- I need to be able to feel safe with Brad. I always end up feeling so guilty that I just need my space from Brad. It's not him, it's just that I don't want to be touched. He can be really affectionate, which is nice, but at the same time I just want to be left alone for now. Which is also normal right now.
I was impressed with how much James remembered. Maybe he looked at my old file or something, but even Aaron couldn't remember week to week WHY I was even there!
Now that I've gone, I feel a lot better about going. I kept thinking I was fine, it really doesn't bother me, but it does.
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