12/25/03

Christmas, I haven’t really liked Christmas in 12 years. This year has been really hard. It’s my first Christmas not living with my parents. My uncle, cousins and I went & saw a movie, “Mona Lisa Smile.” It is ironic that it all took place the same time my parents got married.

On the way home my uncle was analyzing it, he compared it to my grandma, my grandparents. How she just puts my grandpa first and does everything the way he wants. He talked about being unhappy and all that stuff.

I feel like my life is once again falling apart. I hate my job, I am so depressed I just want to sleep & cry! If I was the only person in the theater I would have just cried.

I’m depressed and I’m ultra-sensitive and emotional. During the movie I kept thinking about how I wanted to kill myself. Then I started thinking, like 20 years from now when I look back on my life what will I see?

I actually started thinking about over dosing tonight. I mean, not doing enough to really hurt me, just some. Something to numb the pain. Then I started thinking about what I would tell my kids about the Christmas that I OD. Just talking some pills will not solve any of my problems.

I called and asked for tomorrow off work. My boss was pissed to say the lease. They have lied to me from day one. (I was a nanny at the time) The dad of the baby has said some pretty mean things to me and tonight it was all the wife. I am probably going to quit, I have had enough.

I have thought about cutting, but no more of that, I am done!

12/23/03

I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas Ever. It doesn’t feel like it at all. I saw Joy again today. Except I have started to change my attitude, it has made me happier and life is more enjoyable. I brought my scrapbook of my mom. Joy looked at it all, read the letter and stuff.

I thought she was going to think the letter was too short. But she thought I worked really hard this week. She liked the letter and loved the song I talked about in it. She told me to frame the words. I made it look really cool and framed it too.

Joy told me she talked to my aunt (whom I was living with). My aunt told me that she told Joy about our family history with depression. My aunt said Joy said I was doing a lot better since I moved. Then today Joy told me that my aunt said they are really worried about the cutting. Joy told her not to worry that I said I wouldn’t do it anymore and it was under control. Joy told me that my uncle thinks I’m too young to move out on my own. My aunt asked Joy if she thought I was really going to move, Joy was all, yeah she will, she needs too, it will be good for her.

I told Joy how my grandpa has been abusive when I have gone over there the past 2 times. I just need to leave when he does that. I don’t live there, I don’t need to take it.

I’ve decided that in Rachel and I’s apartment I want the small room and I’ll have my desk in the living room. That way I won’t just shut myself in my room all the time.

12/18/03

I am so incredibly behind. I don't know how to make this short. The day after I wrote last I told my grandma everything. About going to see Joy, cutting, my grandpa being abusive. I told her that I was moving in with Rachel and I would be staying with my aunt and uncle until then. She pretty much understood. At the same time she started denying that my grandpa is verbally abusive. She says I’m just ultra-sensitive! What garbage.

That next Saturday I moved in with my uncle. That night I told my aunt everything also. Oh yeah, I’ll keep it short and say my grandpa didn’t take the cutting and moving out so well.
*The longer version (10 years later)... My grandma told him everything I told her (except that he is abusive). He told me I was evil and that I had a devil inside me. As I was about to leave when I was moving out, he got home 30 seconds before I left. He told me I was destroying his family. For the first time ever, I turned and walked away from his abuse. My hands were shaking as I reached the back door, but I left. I cried the whole way to my aunt and uncles house. For years I dreamed of the day that I would never have to go back to my parents’ house again and that day had finally come!
My aunt said I need to see Joy every week & she wants me to get put on some anti-depressant meds.

So a week ago Tuesday I saw Joy again. I told her everything that has been happening. She was glad I got out. She wants me to go to SOLE, Survivors of Life’s Experiences. It is all women who have been abused. I wasn’t sure about it at first, but I decided I would do it. Then this week she said I was going to do it!

My grandma asked how counseling was going. When I told her about SOLE her response was, “I’ll think about it and let you know if you can go or not.” That is my grandma's way of saying, “You’re not going to do it and we will never talk about it again.” I think that was my pushing factor. She didn’t want me to go, so instead I decided to do it!!! (I was 19 at the time, so she really had no say in the matter)

This past Tuesday I saw Joy again. It was fun I guess. Joy could tell something was wrong. I told her about all my flashbacks (of my mom’s death). So the whole time we talked about my mom’s death. We both cried, that was the fun part. She had me try to talk to my mom, but I couldn’t. I am writing a letter instead, it has been kinda hard.

I can tell how much she really cared about me.

Going to counseling has changed a lot, more than I thought possible.

12/12/03

It is all out in the open now. Kinda scary how things have changed. I am now living with my uncle. He wants me to go to this behavioral place and be evaluated for depression. Everyone just things I have cut because of depression, no one has bothered to ask me why. I decided I will never again cut. I said that a month ago too, but this time I mean it.

12/2/03

I was supposed to see Joy today, but she cancelled. Then tonight I saw Sister Parker. I decided that I needed to talk to her and tell her what is going on.

I told her things have not been so good at home.
She asked how it was affecting me, not good.
Have I been reading my scriptures and praying. Kind of, not all the time.
Have I been going to church? Not for the past 2 weeks.
Then she asked if I have been doing things I shouldn’t be. I nodded, Yes.
She said, “I bet you started cutting again, didn’t you?”
She told me that it did not sound like I was winning this battle, I’m losing big time. I’m letting Satan win, I’m giving in. I was crying of course, I felt like crap, but I needed it. She made me realize that I need to get out NOW.

It is horrible not feeling the spirit, trust me.
I talked to Bishop W. He has told me so many times to get out now, but I have never listened to him. This time I am. I am moving out. I already packed some of my things.

The next day I talked to my aunt and uncle and they let me move in with them for a few months.
Later that night I told Grandma everything (cutting, counseling, and moving out)
On Dec. 6th I moved out!
On Dec. 7th I met my future husband!

11/29/03

All day yesterday I have been fighting these feelings to cut. It has been 3 weeks now. It is almost as if I want to do it just to show my parents I am hurting. Not like they will even notice. The first time I cut I made sure it was somewhere they would see. They never said anything.

I keep thinking, “Once more won’t hurt.” I just want to so badly.

When I talk to my parents it is always as if I never said anything. Sometimes all I want is attention or someone to just listen to me.


1:17 am
I cut. Too much pain to handle. My parents don’t give a crap about my well-being.

Update:
That night as I sat in my room I kept having flashbacks about my mom’s death. I kept seeing that morning, seeing her dead body over and over again. The only way I could think to get the images in my head to stop was to cut.

I went into the kitchen, got a knife and cut my arm. The flashbacks stopped.

That was the last time I ever cut!

11/27/03

It has been 12 years since she has been gone. There is still a hole in my heart, a piece of it that was taken when she died. The hold cannot be filled by my husband, his parents or our children. That park of me is just for her and always will be. The hole will be filled the second I am with her again.

Looking back on my life with her, I can see how much I loved her. I was so little and I looked up and admired her so much. Her life revolved around my sister and I. As I have gotten to know her better through her journal, I have this increase of love for her. I love her so much.

The pain I was feeling just kept piling up. It got to the point that I couldn’t handle it. I started pleading with Heavenly Father for his to help take some of the pain away. I’ve realized the past few days that the pain has started to fade. It didn’t do away all at once, just a little at a time. I know what I am doing in my life right now is what my mom would want me to be doing. 

11/18/03

I can't stop crying because I'm so happy and still kind of in shock at the same time. I just now realized that this life I have been living of abuse and misery is going to end! I mean I have thought it and said it, but for the first time I am feeling it! I have a hard time feeling certain emotions, but I am breaking through that.

It's weird for once to have feelings. I know it woulds odd but it's the truth! Today Sister Parker was so awesome. I love her so much. She means the world to me.

It has been a rough day, lot of ups and downs. Saw Joy today, I was down and she could tell. I think my day went like this- down, up, down, up, up, down.

Today with Joy was, well different. At first we talked about me moving out and all that stuff. Then she said she could tell something was wrong, she could see it in my eyes. I told her how I have been having a hard time with my mom's death. She asked what brought the feelings on. I explained how I can be fine with it and then I'm just not. I didn't tell her about the flashbacks or the wanting to cut. Maybe in 2 weeks I will. I told her how I feel like that when I am alone in my room.

She said I need to get rid of my negative feelings. Then she was asking me about memories of my mom. I mean sure I have some, but I just couldn't tell her. I told her one, the time my mom showed me pictures of her and Ted's wedding. She had a really hard time with it and cried the whole time she showed me pictures. At the time I didn't understand why. I had to of been maybe 6 at the time.

Joy wants me to bring out happy memories. I have them, I just do not want to tell them to Joy. I don't know why. Like Joy said, I can't focus on the negative, it will destroy my life.

• Satan wants us to be miserable
• I want to be happy, I need to be happy! 

I showed Joy 2 pictures of my mom, my favorite 2. The one where she is wearing a maroon dress and the one from my great grandparent's 50th anniversary where she is holding me. Joy told me I should make a scrapbook of my mom and I told her I just barely did!

How ironic. 

11/11/2003

One of the first things Joy said to me when she was me, was how happy I looked, that it was the happiest she has even seen me.

We talked about changing my "thought process". She told me about this "stop" method. When you get bad thoughts (or I start believing my dad) you say stop out loud then you think of a happy moment. We talked about my happy memories, bow I don't really have a lot. Not many with my mom or really very many with my grandparents. Then I thought of one with Sister Parker. While on the trip, and my dad gave me that letter. I felt like he was blaming part of the reason he hasn't joined the church is because of me. It tore me up, how could he do this? What did I do? I thought about what Sister Parker said to me as she hugged me.

As I thought about this experience I almost started crying. Joy asked me who I felt like really cares about me. I knew right away, but it took me a second to tell her, Sister Parker. She smiled & said, "That is who I was thinking too. You know who also really cares about you? Bishop M. He and Bishop W were arguing about who is your bishop and who is going to take over this. Bishop M won. I was all, I figured that. I love Bishop W, but he doesn't stand a chance.

Then as I was leaving she gave me a hug & put her arm around me & told me she really cares about me too.

11/9/03

Church today was great! I have been struggling with my mom’s death. Last night I didn’t get to sleep until 6:20 am, then I got up at 10 and got ready for church.

Tuesday Sister Parker asked me if I ever felt my mom with me, I told her sometimes.

Tonight someone rang the doorbell, there was a plate of cookies and a note, “To Dawn, Coming your way to brighten your day. We love you, your friends.”

For the first time in my life when I look in the mirror I see this beautiful daughter of God. I can look past all my flaws and mistakes and really see me. Heavenly Father did not put me in these circumstances by mistake, he did not leave me helpless. He knows my strengths and he knew I could handle all of it and that along the way I would find out who I am- a daughter of God. I actually feel like it too. I’m not even sure what has changed so much, but something has.

11/7/03

It is amazing how your life can change just by doing the basics. I don’t remember when I stopped doing them, but I noticed the gradual change in me.

I started really having a problem with cutting. I even cut 3 times in 1 week (the most often so far).

Saturday after I cut I decided I needed to fast that I will be able to stop.

By Sunday night I felt so good that I would be able to never cut again. Then Monday and Tuesday I was so tempted to cut.

Tuesday I began to doubt if I will be able to never cut. I wanted to talk to Joy about it, but it never came up.

I talked to Sister Parker about it. She asked me when the last time I cut was, Saturday. She asked me that once I moved out would I stop? I told her I didn’t know. “That isn’t an answer.” She told me and asked again. I told her I wasn’t sure.

She told me that it isn’t a serious sin, but it is bad. She asked if I felt the spirit at church, I told her sometimes. She asked if I pray? I try to. Do I feel like Heavenly Father hears/ answers them? Sometimes.

We talked for half an hour. When we finished I really thought about things. I realized that I was going to stop & that was that. Never again! 

Since then I have been praying every night and every morning. I have read the Book of Mormon every night & I have written in my journal every night.

Since then I have not been tempted to cut at all. No desire, no temptation, nothing! I have felt better about everything. 

I have been hurt enough in my life, why should I hurt myself?

11/5/03

After 4 days of asking my Grandma if I could see my mom’s journal she finally got it for me. It is interesting, I’m sure when my daughters read this they will think it is interesting too.  It is weird because I’m the same age she was when she wrote what I am reading now. Just the things she said, it sounds like things I would say and do. We are a lot alike.

I’m just wondering if she wrote about anything that might have gone on in her home or her testimony or something. I’m only on page 16 so far. 

11/4/03

(I just turned 19 at the time)
I saw Joy today, we talked about me moving out and all. She told me that last night she talked to Bishop M. Bishop M told her that my dad’s drinking has gotten worse since he retired. and that my mom has been very depressed for a long time.

Then today Bro. N called and told me Bishop M wanted to see me tonight. After I talked to him I went and talked to Sister Parker. We talked about be hurting because of my mom’s death, my faith and how I’ve been struggling. 

11/2/2003

Today has been a great day. Church was good, I was paying attention for once. During Sacrament meeting I was feeling a little overwhelmed. I was really nervous about tonight, I had an appointment with Bishop W and I was going to talk to Sister Parker later too. Then during the closing hymn (Lord, I will follow thee) I got this peaceful feeling.

  

Before I left to talk to Bishop W I just prayed that I would say the things there I needed to. Also Bishop W has asked me to pray the past 2 times & I have said no, I am still struggling to say them to myself aloud. But I prayed that if he asked me to I would be able to do it.

Of course he asked me to, it wasn’t the best prayer, but I don’t think he cared. I showed him the letter, he wants me to move out NOW! He doesn’t understand why I don’t just move out now instead of waiting until Rachel is ready. I just I just don’t want to. I can last another month or so. We talked a little about the cutting. He asked if I knew how many times I have cut, 4. When was the last time I cut? Um... Yesterday! I told him about what happened.

After that I talked to Sister Parker. I was on my way to Sister Parker’s & I just kept saying, I am going to stop cutting, I’m never going to do it again & that’s that! After I left her house I just started bawling because all of a sudden I missed my mom so much. 

11/1/2003

I started reading a book on cutting on Thursday. It is interesting.

I almost cut yesterday while at work. I began fantasizing about what the blood would look like & how it would feel. I just sat there thinking about it. I almost got up and grabbed a knife, I guess I realized what I was about to do and stopped myself.

10/27/2003

After I cut the first time I decided that I never wanted to cut again. I made it almost 4 months! After Saturday night when I cut, I didn’t really think about if I was or was not going to do it again. Saturday I really thought about it, I picked up the blade and just held it and looked at it. Then I cut once and didn’t see any blood, so I cut again and squeezed my arm until I saw some blood. Then Sunday, I’m not ever sure why, but I decided to cut again. I just picked up the blade & started taking out all my anger by cutting over and over again. I stopped for a second & didn’t see much blood, so I cut about 2 to 3 more times. Then I sat there & I realized what I had one & it scared me, I just sat there & cried. I don’t really want to cut, but then there is the part of me that does want to, I guess right now I don’t really understand why I even want to. It is just sometimes, well most the time my life seems so unreal, like it is all just one big dream. Then when I cut & I see the blood it makes me realize that I am real, I am here living, breathing, it’s not all one big joke. I feel so lonely & empty inside. I see the blood & I see there is at lease something inside me. It has been hard for me to really understand everything that has gone on in my life, it is just confusing. I always thought that when my dad got mad & was yelling at me & calling me things that it was just normal. Like all dads get mad once in a while & yell at their kids. I’ve never know anything better. I don’t think this is so good, but Sunday before I cut, I was thinking about trying burning. What is going on with me? Why do I want to do all these horrible things to my body?

10/26/2003

What a day it has been! I just got home from Sister Parker’s for the second time today. It is amazing how promptings work. Long story short: Went to church today, it was really good. I was glad to be there. I was hoping to get an appointment with Bishop W tonight, but didn’t.

After church I decided to go tell Sister Parker about cutting last night. I couldn’t tell her, so I left frustrated. I got home and for no real reason I grabbed the blade & just started cutting my left shoulder. I have about 5 cuts that are about __ to ____ long. When I realized what I had done I freaked out. What did I do? I need to tell someone. I ended up getting an appointment with Bishop W for next Sunday. I still needed to just tell someone. I thought about calling Joy? No. Even though she told me I could call her anytime I didn't. Tell Sister Parker? No, I was just there. Then I kept getting this feeling that it was okay to go over there again- GO!

So I went, I told Sister Parker. She told me I should talk to Amy. It was really nice to talk to her (Amy) about it. She really understands, unlike most people. She helped me realize why I cut, mostly to see blood, it isn’t about the pain aspect of it.

I just feel lonely a lot & empty inside. Sometimes my life just feels like a dream. Then when I cut I see my blood & I realize that it isn’t all just a dream. 

10/25/2003

I cut again! Well, I didn’t do it hard enough to actually make it bleed. I did it twice on my upper left arm. The only thing you can see is a little scratch about __ big. Even I have to really look for it. I prayed that when the time was right for me to move out I would know. One way I know I would know is everything would fall into place. Everything with my friend and I just clicked and seems so right!

10/22/2003

I didn’t go to institute tonight, I just didn’t feel like it. I went to my cousin’s house, but she wasn’t home, so I just drove around and looked at the temple and thought about stuff. I am going to get an appointment with Bishop W and talk to him about it all. Show him the letter also. I started reading the book Joy told me to get, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. My parents will kill me if they ever see it. Just another thing to keep locked in my cabinet. Sister Parker said to make sure my parents don’t see the letter either, they would flip!

10/21/2003

I never knew how much that letter would change things with Joy & I. We started off the usual- work and school. Then she said, "what can I do to help you because I have to pull everything out of you?" I knew this was my time to give her the letter. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I handed her the letter & she said how glad she was that I wrote it. She asked me if I ever thought about writing & such. I love writing, just getting everything out. She started reading it and I could tell she was really into it. She read it slowly & I just watched her face, the expressions she was making. When she was done, she just looked at me & said, “Wow, that is amazing.” The it was as if she was mad, not at me, but she said, “No, this is it. This has to end! This is such crap. It needs to stop. You need to get out of there, you need to get out.” It was as if she could actually feel my pain & was upset as to what is going on. I told her about how my friend and I are looking for places. She said she wanted me out of there in the next month. I know I can do it. She said the verbal abuse is so bad, she didn’t realize it was like that. She said it was such crap, everything he said. It was destroying me emotionally. It really is. She talked about how my mom just tells me it is okay, it isn’t, but she has no way out. In the letter I brought up my ex-boyfriend, Ryan, how my mom encouraged me to date him. She asked me how he treated me, if he ever was rude to me. I told her no, he was nice, he always called me his princess but you know what, he would say something rude every once in awhile. I didn’t even realize until today, when Joy pointed it out, he was verbally abusive too. How could I have been so dumb? I didn’t even notice when my boyfriend said things! She talked about my future husband, that I need to be careful he isn’t verbally abusive either. She said people tend to marry into what they are used to (like abuse). I’ve started to become what he (my dad) calls me. To actually feel like I am everything he says. Another thing, I had no idea how this letter was going to affect things. The way Joy reacted, was unbelievable to me, I can tell she cares. I didn’t even think that I was saying was that bad. Apparently it was, at least to Joy. To me, it is normal, not bad. She was so glad I wrote that letter. That if I needed to, to keep writing everything down and bringing it in. I’ll have to see how things go. I just kept looking at the picture of the Savior she has in her office. It is one of my 2 favorites, where he is wearing the red robe. As she read the letter, I just kept saying in my mind, I did it, I gave it to her!” Then we started talking about the things I wrote. I couldn’t help but thank Heavenly Father for helping me open up. It was such a relief to have it all out in the open. It lightened the burden & helped me realize I need to deal with it, not just keep it all in. She is really starting to help me & I’m so glad. I’m still confused because I didn’t think the things were that bad. I know it wasn’t good, but Joy said how horrible it is. That is would have been better for me if he had beaten me. He destroyed me so much. She said it is normal to be confused. She explained that I was so used to it that I probably didn’t even realize when he was doing it & things he said. Was it really that bad & I didn’t even realize it?! She said I’m becoming what he calls me. I think I really am. I don’t know how to accept complements because I’m not used to them. I just don’t know what to say. She explained to me why all of a sudden I don’t want to go to church. It is Satan working on me. Before he didn’t have to because my parents did it for him. Now he needs to try harder than he ever has before. He wants me to marry into the same thing I am coming from. But I will not. I can’t do it all over again. It is scary to think about right now I could be married to Ryan with a 2-year-old & possibly another baby. I would be just as unhappy with my ex & going through the same hell. But I’m not, I need to be glad that I’m not. S seemed blown away by how strong I am. Staying in the church & all. She said I have been so strong for so long it is amazing. She told me it is okay to cry, scream, whatever I needed to do. She said she didn’t want me to cut. That from what she has heard cutting releases emotional pain, I just nodded and agreed. She said if I needed to go in there & cry & scream for an hour it was okay. I need to get it out & not just keep it all in. We talked about all the people in my ward (my parents ward), how no one knows. How they are all just oblivious to it all. No one knows, no one in that ward understands. She told me how we need to change my thought patterns. All I thought was, That is what Bishop M said. She told me I have 2 wonderful, understanding bishops & I do. I really truly do. She finally understands. I didn’t know how much this letter would change my life. It really has. To realize I need to deal with this, not just shove it all in. She told me over and over again, “It is safe here. It is okay to tell me, you are safe.”

10/21/2003

I went and saw Sister Parker today. I told her about me going to counseling & I hadn’t been able to tell Joy anything so I wrote her the letter. She asked me how it went. I told her how I didn’t think things were that bad. She said I am just so used to it, it is everyday life. Eventually I handed her the letter & she read it. I could almost feel her heart breaking as she read it. When she was done she said it was really good & I’m good at writing, that it is good for me to get it all out in writing. She said she didn’t know 1 kid in a million that could be as strong as me. She told me I just need to hang on. I don’t know how. She told me that she often prayed for me. I could feel her love for me. I didn’t tell her, but almost every night I thank Heavenly Father for her being in my life & that she is there for me. She told me I should show Bishop W the letter too. I was thinking about it, but now I am going to. She said she understands why I want to cut. It can be so unbearable. I need to keep going for my future husband. Sister Parker promised me that my mom will be at my wedding. I guess it just isn’t enough, yeah she will “be there” but I want to be able to see her, to touch her, to hear her voice. I don’t remember what is sounds like any more. Sister Parker wants me to come tell her what is going on with my appointments with Joy. She was excited when I told her I was moving in with my friend, Rachel. I’m excited too! She told me to bring her my writings, she wants to read them. I think I just might. When I was leaving she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. I could feel it so strongly. After I left, actually the second I walked out the door I started crying. I just let myself cry & tried to scream, but not a lot came out. After I was done crying I did feel better.

10/19/2003

I keep reflecting on that sweet experience. I don’t think Heavenly Father could have been more personal even if he said no name. That would show he knows my name, but instead he called me his daughter. I am still struggling, but I know I came come out of this strong. I just need to turn to the Lord in all thing. Keep doing what I have been, no matter what my head tells me, follow my heart & stay strong & active in the church. I need it now & forever. I’m still confused about a lot of things, but I know it will all work out. I have stayed up until about 4 last night finishing the letter to Joy. My visiting teachers came by today. Something one of them said in the prayer hit me. She said that this week as I get frustrated I will be able to feel Heavenly Father’s love. Hold on, the light will come.... Oh yeah how could I have forgotten? My friend, Rachel,  and I are getting an apartment together. I am going to be moving out!!!

10/15/2003

Last night I had a total emotional breakdown. I felt so overwhelmed about everything. I need to change certain things in my life & I felt like I couldn’t do it. I at my computer & cried. I started thinking the only way and easiest way to fix everything is to end everything. I really, really wanted to but I started pleading with Heavenly Father to help me, help me. I laid on my floor and bawled and pleaded for help. I heard the sweetest whispering (almost as if someone said it out loud) “Oh, my daughter. I love you.” I continued to ask for help and heard it two more times. I got up and all the pain I had been feeling was gone. I didn’t feel overwhelmed & for once in days I was thinking clearly. I decided I was not going to go to sleep until I figured things out. I have felt better today, better than I have in a week. I still need to change my attitude and soften my heart towards my parents. I can do this, I know I can. It’s going to be hard. I still need to finish writing that letter to Joy. Tell her how I really feel & what is going on. Maybe she can help me?

10/12/2003

What a week this been! Tuesday I went and saw Joy. It was the usual, talk about stuff and not a lot about my problems. I guess we did a little. She asked me if I felt alone? Sad? Depressed? I said, Yeah. So she told me I should go on anti-depressants and to take St. John’s Wart. At first I was appalled, how could she tell me this? I wasn’t really depressed?

Then Friday night I kinda lost it. I can’t explain it. I was starting to think I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) because of my mom’s death. After 12 years I’m still not over it. Will I ever be? Who knows.

Today I woke up at 11:05, I didn’t feel like going to church, but I did. I ended up just sitting in the lobby. I was just crying sporadically, it was nuts. I decided to walk around and started bawling. I want out back and wrote on a piece of paper:

“Who am I?

I am starting to pull away from the church. I don’t know why & it’s tearing me up inside. I don’t have the desire to come any more, like I used to. I’m just confused about everything. Who am I? Who really cares about me? Who can I turn to? I feel so alone and like there is no help for me.

Everything I used to do so easily are now hard. I try to turn to Heavenly Father but something I just feel like no one is there. If I leave the church will anyone notice? Will anyone care?”

I didn’t go to Sunday School, I haven’t gone in a few weeks, maybe a month. Relief Society was, well it was just boring. I didn’t want to be there.

I’m starting to be just emotionless, numb to feelings & the spirit. I realized today that I really am depressed, I guess it wasn’t all set in yet. It was hard for me to even admit that to myself. I’ve realized that I want to do certain things just to get attention, but why? I don’t understand it.

After church I was talking to Hayley telling her all this. She said I should talk to Bishop W. I told her I didn’t want to. She started to get really worried. After we talked, one line that Bishop W said when he gave me blessing 2 weeks ago kept coming to my mind. It was that the Lord was glad I was turning to Bishop & to him and to continue doing so. Right around 7:30 I got to the church and waited to see Bishop W. I finally started talking to him around 8:20. He asked me how I was. I told him okay. He said he didn’t believe me, because either he was just the best guy to come hang out with on a Sunday night or I was lying.

For the second time he asked me to offer the prayer, I said no. I told him about what Joy had said & about the pushing away from my parents. Then about how I used to be so strong in the church & loved everything about it & now I’m pushing that away too. He told me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed at the fact that I am depressed. Then he thought it was funny that I was reading Valley of Sorrow and no one told me too. We just talked, about depression, things I like, and so on. He’s learned not to take “I don’t know” as an answer from me. He asked me something and I said I don’t know and he said, when I will sit here until you do.

I don’t know what to do about it. What can I do? I talked to Hayley again and told her I talked to Bishop W. It was then she told me she called Bishop M, but he wasn’t home so she called Bishop W and left him a message. She told him she was really worried about me & wanted him to see if he could do anything for me. 

10/7/2003

I saw Joy today. I was so determined that I was going to actually talk to her. I prayed constantly the past few days that I will be able to do it. But inside I knew I wouldn’t. We went upstairs to her office and started talking. My homework:

• Do something nice for dad
• Try to change my dad's view of me

My thoughts afterwards:

Feeling lonely/ sad/ depressed. Get books on depression, abuse and cutting. 

Write a letter to Joy! 

• Almost all my feelings (lonely, sad and so on) come from losing my mom.
• Verbal abuse- get discouraged, feel worthless. I try to forget about it, hard to ignore, feel like I can't take it anymore, everything he does & says I have a hard time trusting people and talking. 
• Cutting- been my main problem lately. Sister Parker has helped me not to. 
• Being nice to dad doesn't help (long term). 
• Having friends doesn't help.
• Whenever dad says something, mom tells me not to tell anyone. 
• Feelings don't last that long, sporadic

10/2/2003

I decided to go see Sister Parker today. I love her so much. I don’t know what I would do without her. We talked about what I was going to do about moving out. I’ve decided to figure it out, find a place and then tell my parents. The past few weeks I have really wanted to talk to someone about the cutting. I was going to a week ago with Joy, but I didn’t. Then Sunday with Bishop W, again I didn’t. Luckily this week I haven’t been tempted to, but still wanted to talk to someone. When Sister Parker  out of nowhere, ask me, “What is your greatest challenge right now?” At first I said, “I don’t know.” She told me that wasn’t an answer. She can always tell when something is bothering me. So I told her how in the past few weeks it had been so hard for me not to cut. We talked about it, why it had been so tempting. She told me about how addictive it is. I only did it once and it is all I can think about at times. One night I could not sleep because that is all I wanted to do. I feel like I am going nuts at times. By the look in her eyes I could tell she really, truly loves me and cares about me. I know that she was prompted or inspired to ask me that questions. I’m glad I talked to her about it.

9/21/2003

Today during Sacrament meeting every time I looked at Bishop W I could feel his love for me. It amazes me how people like this can love me. It isn't from them telling me they love me, but the way they act, what they so, say and how they treat you. Before Relief Society the Relief Society President asked if we could talk before the fireside tonight. So at first it was just the two of us, she asked me some questions and was just getting to know me. Then she started talking about trials and we started reading about the Brother of Jared. The whole Brother of Jared thing was about trials and how the Lord was always there for them. She kept saying how she kept getting a prompting that there was something more, something else she could do. (She had no idea about the abuse or anything else)I told her I couldn’t think of anything & I really can’t. I know Bishop W told her to talk to me. Some people might be mad or think it is weird, but me, I’m grateful. I never knew what a wonderful man he was and how much he loved and cared about me. I realized today what I want from people, when they ask me what they can do to help me, simply love me!

9/16/2003

(e-mail to Hayley) I finally got rid of all my anger, doubt and fears. First- the past few times I have started to Sister Parker, I have no idea why, but things felt different and I wasn't so sure of the way she felt about it. I decided to go talk to and it went so good. I got over all my doubts that she doesn't really care about me. I know she really does. She also helped me realize that I need to move out. I need to be in a place where I can actually feel the spirit and so on. Then- I talked to Bishop W. After I talked to Sister Parker I kept thinking, I don't need to talk to him anymore. But one thing I didn't talk to her about was the cutting. I knew if I was going to bring it up with Bishop W I would have to explain a lot & normally it takes me a while to warm up to people and tell them stuff. I went into his office and he offered the prayer in it he asked for him to have understanding of me and my needs. I barely even hesitated, just started telling him about my whole living condition and about my dad, the drinking, the abuse, the possible move and then about the cutting. I have never done that before, no even with Joy. He went along the same lines as Sister Parker, but I told him a little more (cutting and such). He agreed that I should move. I need to be in a good environment and away from the abuse, then I won't be tempted to cut.... Joy doesn't even know about the cutting. She did kind of bring it up at the end of our first session, but I basically denied it. Thanks for always being there for me, I don't think i say it enough.

9/16/2003

Last night I was so stressed out and confessed that I almost cut again.  I couldn’t get to sleep because I wanted t so badly. Right now I’m so glad I didn’t.

I was still confused today about if I could or not (move out). When I told my parents I was going to move out my dad flipped. I knew he would. He convinced me that I should stay. He said he would disown me if I moved out. Last night I e-mailed Hayley and told her about the wanting to cut. I told her I should probably talk to Bishop M. Then she reminded me I would have to go to my actual Bishop, Bishop W. The thought of that scared me. I hadn’t really talked to him before and he had no idea what I have gone though and what I am in.

I decided to go to the church and see if he had time. I got an appointment for 10, but still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. I decided to talk to Sister Parker  I told her what was going on with the move. She told me that she felt like I should go. I need to be in that environment and get away from my dad. I realized she was totally right. I don’t want my dad mad at me, which he will be, but what is better for me?

After I left her house I figured why not talk to Bishop W? I got there a few minutes before and I had been praying that I would know what to say. I went in there and never before had I talked like that. He started with a prayer in it he said for him to have understanding of me and so on. I totally just opened up to him. It even blew me away. I told him about my living situation and how my dad is verbally abusive. Then I told him about my greatest fear and my deepest secret- my cutting. He told me that he felt like I should move out. He talked about the abuse and how I need to get away. He told me that if I ever felt like cutting to call him day or night. If I ever need to talk or anything. I have never felt such immediate love for and from someone like this before.

-I don’t want to hurt my parents, but most of all I don’t want to hurt me!

-I need to do this!

9/15/2003

I feel like crap. I am so tired and my head hurts, but it always hurts. I have no friends, well, no friends here. I feel like cutting. I mean, no one noticed the first time. No one even really seems to care what's going on in my life. I felt so stupid at FHE, sitter there all by myself. I have no one to talk to, I mean, I do have Joy but I never feel like this when I go in there & I can't explain it when I don't feel like this. My sister doesn't seem to care anymore. I started telling her about my job and all she said was, "You have a job?" I again feel like there is no way out. I was so close to moving out yesterday & then my dad convinced me it would be worse if I left. Hayley told me my parents can't control my life, why I feel like they do? I can never do anything good enough or ever make them proud of me.

9/14/2003

(e-mail to Hayley) How mad do you think Bishop would be if I cut again? I don't know why I even want to. I just feel empty inside. All I can think right now is about cutting and how badly I want to go get the paper cutter blades and run it across my arm. Why do I feel like this? I tried praying. It has worked in the past, but it didn't. Right now I'm not even trying to. I promised myself I would not do this again. I don't want to hurt myself again, I don't want to. I feel like I am going crazy. I need to sleep, but I can't. All I can think about it cutting. I don't know what to do.

8/28/2003

I started making a list of all the things my dad calls me. Last night as I though of some of the different things it really started hurting. Then today I got up so early because I wanted to talk to Sister Parker. When we start talking and it seemed like she didn't even really want to talk to me. I'm starting to feel like even she doesn't care. I mean, why should she? I'm starting to believe my dad, everything he calls me. Maybe I am just totally worthless. No body really cares about me, who am I kidding.

All Joy tells me is that I need this big social life, that will fix all my problems. It's not going to fix anything. I have a better idea how to fix all my problems. No one could hurt me anymore. I was stupid to ever think Sister Parked loved me. Who could actually love me? No one! Hayley was right, things change. Nobody cares, but then why should why?

It just hasn't been the easiest past few days with my parents. Everything is just so crazy and I never really know what to do or what to take. So then I'm just out of it for a while until I figure things out, or at least try to.

8/28/2003

(e-mail to Hayley)
I want to move out, but I'm scared. That doesn't make sense does it? I guess you have no idea how afraid I am of my parents, not just my dad. They both just get mad and yell about anything. I've seriously thought about moving out before, but it has never really gone anywhere. Do you think I can/ will actually go through with this? I'm so scared, scared for what might happen if I don't move out, about what will happen if I do. I have no idea what I should do. I've realized that I'm letting everything my dad says get to me. I shouldn't, but I am. It does just rip me apart. Nobody knows what it feels like. Nobody knows what goes on inside my head & I don't let people. Am I afraid of getting hurt? Not like anyone can do worst then my dad. I don't get it, parents are supposed to love their children not convince them they are totally worthless.

I don't know what to do. I'll do what I always do- get over it, just go on. Stay living at home pretending nothing ever happens like everyone else in my family does.

8/26/2003

I finally told my mom that I quit my job. I thought out of either of my parents she would be better about it. She was so mad at me. Why didn't I tell her sooner? Because I knew this was going to happen. I can never be good enough for them, ever. What an I really good for?

I didn't want to tell my parents until I had a new job. All my mom said was, "find a new job, NOW!" I can never do anything good enough to make my parents happy.

When my boss and I were talking she said, "I can tell you are just miserable here." She didn't understand why. It wasn't because of my job. No on will ever understand me.

8/21/2003

I've prayed probably every night this past week that everything would go well with Joy today and I would be more talkative or at least not hold back. I can’t believe how well it went. I didn’t think twice before I spoke, so I didn’t hold back. I know that this is something I should be doing. Like Bishop M told me, I had to want to change and to want things to be better for this to work. The first 2 weeks I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I didn’t feel so uncomfortable today as I have. Everything was just great. I could tell that she wanted to help me, it just isn't her job. She asked me twice today, "What can I do to help you?" It was so sincere, not fake. I really don't know. 

Things to do:

Compromise with Dad about sister’s room (the story behind that, My current room was the same room my mom died it. I was struggling, very much with all that. My sister was moving out and so I wanted to switch to her room, but dad wouldn’t let me.)

Introduce myself to Bishop W- Last Sunday I still wasn’t sure about the whole new ward/ new bishop thing but as I looked at Bishop W I felt like it would all be okay!

8/10/2003

I wonder how this is all going to end?

How come out of no where, really for no reason I feel so alone. When I feel like this I start doubting everything.

My dad loves being a jerk so he looks even nicer later. He loves being and acting dumb.

I have no real friends, well ones that live in town or I hang out with. Making friends is not so easy, everyone else has other friends or other things to do.

I hate feelings like this.

8/8/2003

I haven't done this in a while, just write about how I feel and all. I am so much better at then actually talking to people.

I won't know why it is hard for me to talk to people about what is going on and how I feel. It is just so hard for me. I haven't been able to trust a lot of people throughout my life. I never know if people are going to believe me in what I am telling them, or how they will react if they will even care.

My parents never really care what I tell them. It seems like I can never do anything good enough for them.

My dad always makes jokes just to see how mad he can make me. I don't get why he does that.

The only person I really feel like believes me is Sister Parker.

8/5/2003

I saw Joy again today, it was different. Towards the end she told me how she can tell when people are holding back things and when they are telling her everything. But me, can't tell what's going on. She feels like I'm not telling her everything. Then she said I was not shy, but very quiet.

She talked to me about my future husband and how I need to be picky about him. That he needs to have a good family that I fit well in.

Joy asked me why Bishop M recommended me to go to counseling, I really don't know. She asked if I wanted to keep coming, I don't know. I want to talk to Bishop M more about it. I go back in 2 weeks.

I guess she doesn't realize how hard it is for me to talk to people about things like this. It is kinda new for me, it was only April 27th that I told Sister Parker and then Bishop M about all that was going on. I don't open up very easily, I am a ton better at just writing my feelings and all.

To do this week:
-Keep going to singles ward & talk to people
-Find out what college classes my friend is talking and possibly take one (or more) with her.

7/28/03

Today I had my first counseling visit. I was so nervous, but it was pretty good. My counselor's name is Joy*. At first we just talked, Bishop M told her some weird things. Just stuff about my dad, that he had read my journal, that he drinks & other stuff. Okay, he didn't even mention that my mom died or anything about that. It was interesting. She just talked to me about how I needed a life outside of home, how I needed friends and things to do. I go back next week, but I have to do things between now and then:
- Go out and do something with someone
- Go to the singles ward, meet 2 new people and find out all about them
-Transfer records to singles ward.

She asked me what my dad read in my journal and what he said. I was all, well just stuff about Sister Parker  So then we talked about Sister Parker.  I really like Joy, normally I don't feel comfortable around people like that at first. But it wasn't so bad.

*Name has been changed

7/10/2003

Last night I had an appointment with Bishop M. I was so nervous about it. I had no idea how or what I would say. I was the first person, I went into his office and he said a prayer. It was so powerful and things I needed to hear, it felt more like a blessing. I told him what happened last Monday with my dad and then what I did that night (cut). He just sat there for a while and then told me I needed counseling! He said I don't know how to deal with things and I have been thought a lot of trauma in my life. I told him how I really didn't want to, I do not like opening up to people.

I told him, I would think about it, he was all, No you will pray about it. Then after we had talked a little more he said, "I am going to ask you to do something and you might hate me for it." He asked me to write a letter to my dad and thank him for specif things. After that I told him about the letter I received from my dad. He told me that it was not my fault and he understood why I had been mad at my dad. Then he realized how inspired his prayer was, he had no idea why I was coming in.

7/6/2003

Today I once again feel like I'm in total despair. I'm at church, but I don't want to be here. I don't want to be at home either. I don't know where I want to be.

Everyone in this ward things that my dad is so great and wonderful, if they only knew how he really is. Everyone thinks that my mom is like all sick and dying, yeah right. She is just crazy and depressed.

My sister actually forgot I was sitting next to her in sacrament meeting. I'm becoming bitter, something I shouldn't do, but I really am.

I have no one to talk to. My parents are the problem, my sister is too busy, I don't have any friends (other then Hayley) and no one in my ward would understand.

I finally have an appointment with Bishop M for Wednesday at 7. I don't know what I'm going to tell him. I just need to talk to someone, anyone who might care.

-Messages between me and Hayley
Me: Do you think I will scare Bishop when I show him my cuts?
Hayley: No, he's weird like that. When something like that happens he tends to love you more.

7/2/2003

The past few days have been crazy. Monday night  (June 30) my dad blew up at me. He said a lot of things that hurt. He even said, "I know about you and Sister Parker and how she is your new mother!" (I had written that she was like a mom to me) I freaked out, he had to of read my journal. I was so mad at him I could of killed either him or me, luckily I did neither. (this is the night I started cutting, also note there is a lot of unwritten stuff leading up to this)

Up until last night I was still upset and very discouraged. I seriously thought that no one really cared about me. At least no one alive in my life that really mattered.

I went to sleep still out of it, I had what I call a "symbolic" dream. I was standing in this all white room. In it there was a few different people, the only one I really remember is Sister Parker. Every person in the room came up one by one and said, "I care about you."

Just this has pulled me out of it, I almost did something I regret Monday night. I learned never to do that again. (cutting) This dream has really helped me, it has helped me hang on just another day. To know that someone out there and a few others, really do care about me in my life right now.

I felt like even my future family wasn't good enough to live for. I know that it is...

6/30/2003

My whole body is shaking, I'm crying so hard right now I can barely breath. I have never felt so much despair in my life. I just want to end it all. It would be so nice to just end everything right now, but I can't. I need to stay strong.

It feels as if a ton of bricks as just thrown on top of me and there is no way out. I want to get away from it all. My grandpa took my car away so I can't leave. So much for Bishop M's advice to leave when my grandpa is mad and verbally abusive.

My grandpa just totally blew up at me, so many words were said I can not even thing. He said how at my job I only make $6 an hour, which I don't. He said "it is worse then flipping burgers at McDonalds". That my job is going to take me nowhere. (for the record, I was 18 and had graduated high school less than a month earlier. I was working at a little ice cream shop)

Somehow, I have no idea and he refuses to tell me, but he knows about my relationship with Sister Parker. Or he knows something about it. He said, "I know about you and Michelle Parker! About how she is your new mother!" I asked him where he was getting that from. He told me straight from the source. He refuses to tell me what this source is. (I concluded he had of read my journal. I had written how she was like a mother to me)

He said he has not been drinking today, I don't believe him. I called Sister Parker and kind of told her what was going on. Right now I don't care if my grandpa reads this. He has read enough of my stuff. I need to get out. I can not take it here any longer. It is not safe here at all!

He things I am very self centered and I don't think of anyone but myself. He has no idea, no idea at all. I almost told him to read my journal, what I said last night. He has no idea what I do around the house. I don't think he wants to know. I'm not a very prideful person.

He can not handle the truth, he went off on how my sister was telling him about the different degrees and glories. How something, I have no idea what he was mumbling about, but because of what we have said to him we (my sister and I) were going to go to hell.

I can't take it anymore, I just can not handle it anymore. There is a reason why I don't tell people how I really feel. I don't let people get close to me for a reason. I have no friends here. It isn't like I can go anywhere right now anyways.

I feel like I can not take this anymore. Just ending it all seems so nice. I just want to be able to be in someone's arms and cry. I used to go on hoping that the future will be better. Someday I will be married and have children, I used to go on for that. Right now it doesn't seem worth it.

I feel like I'm in a totally dark room with no way out. I have tried praying. For once it feels like there is no one there when I really need them. I have such a flood of emotions I can't even think. So many things running through my head.

I couldn't take it anymore. I took a pair of my scissors, but they were too dull to do anything. I went out to my grandpa's tools and was looking for something that was sharp, just then my grandma came out there. I ended up talking to her. There are a few times I feel okay talking to her, at this time I did. I told her how grandpa had no right to say any of that and he didn't know what he was talking about with the Sister Parker thing. She asked me if I had said anything like that in my journal, well not totally. She agreed with me that I should have privacy in my room and he should not be going through my stuff.

I e-mailed Hayley and told her what had happened. I saw her screen name come online and then a few minutes later she signed off. I wondered why she didn't reply to the e-mail or talk to me. Then my phone rang, it was Hayley. She was really worried about me. I told her I was okay.

I tried to go to sleep, but I still felt like crap. I went into the kitchen and tried almost every knife we had, none of them did anything. I wasn't going to do anything life threatening, just enough to put the pain somewhere else. I went back to my room and just kept trying my very dull scissors. Eventually after about 20 times I finally ended up with 2 little cuts on my left wrist. They were barely even bleedings, but it as good enough for me. It was as if all my negative feelings went out those cuts. I already regret doing it, it is something I will never go again.

6/20/2003

Letter from Dad: "I have to figure out how to reconnect with my spiritual side. The interest and enthusiasm has waned. Some of it has been due to your mother's health and the pressure of raising a couple of teenagers."

Journal entry:
After I told Sister Parker I needed to talk to her I showed her what I had written.  "My dad's letter really hurt me. I didn't realize it until now how much it hurt. In it he said that one of the reasons he has not joined the church and has gone down spiritually is from raising my sister and I. I have tired my hardest to be an example to my parents. I try to tell him tings I have learned about the gospel, but they don't care. What have I don't that is so wrong? How could I have turned him from the church? Now all the pain is back, I feel like I can't take him anymore."

After Sister Parker read it she just hugged me and told held me close to her. She told me over and over again "That is not true. Don't believe him. Believe me! That is NOT true!"

4/30/2003

Dear Sister Parker,

I don’t know what to do about anything in my life right now. I’m so confused about everything. Everything seems to be going wrong right now. I don’t know what to do about my dad, my mom, school and everything else.

I feel miserable all the time. I can have a perfect day at school, seminary and baby-sitting and then I come home and it’s all gone. No matter what I do, I just feel horrible here. When I am home I start doubting everything.

I’m tired of putting up with everything I have always put up with. Ignoring my dad is only making it worse. I remember my sister going through these same things 2 years ago. My Bishop told me that I should get a job at night so that I won’t be home when things usually get bad. I actually am going to be working at night starting in June, but it only makes my dad madder when I’m not home at night. His drinking has only gotten worst in the past few years. My mom is addicted to pain pills and is kind of crazy. I can’t stand to be around either of my parents.

I have never felt so alone in my life. I just ignore my parents all the time and my sister is never home anymore. My best friend now lives in a different state. I don’t have anyone to talk to and I’m starting to just keep everything to myself. It has only made things worst.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I feel like this when I am home, I can’t explain it. I don’t feel like that in the morning or when I’m not home, just at night. What can I do to make these feelings and doubts go away. I don’t know what to do.

4/2003

(I'm 18 at this time)
It was a Sunday afternoon in April 2003. I was 18 at the time. I don’t remember now what started it, all I remember is my dad yelling at me like he did all the time. He told me, as he had many times before, “Get out of MY house!”. For the first time I left. My mom and sister begged me not to leave, but I did. I drove around crying and confused. What should I do? Who could I turn to for help?

I found myself at my seminary teacher’s house (Sister Parker). I was standing there crying when she answered the door. She invited me in and asked what was wrong. I told her that my dad has just kicked me out. We went into her living room and talked. As she talked she asked me if my dad ever hit me, I told her no. Then she asked, “But, he verbally abuses you?” I told her, Yes. It was the first time in my life I had admitted it, even to myself that my dad was verbally abusive.

Sister Parker told me that I needed to tell my bishop. This was SO hard for me! I thought a lot about it and I knew she was right. Finally I went to my bishops house and asked to talk to him. We went into his office and talked. I can't remember a single thing either of us said, but it was that day that I started to trust him. That was the beginning of my road to healing.