10/21/2003

I went and saw Sister Parker today. I told her about me going to counseling & I hadn’t been able to tell Joy anything so I wrote her the letter. She asked me how it went. I told her how I didn’t think things were that bad. She said I am just so used to it, it is everyday life. Eventually I handed her the letter & she read it. I could almost feel her heart breaking as she read it. When she was done she said it was really good & I’m good at writing, that it is good for me to get it all out in writing. She said she didn’t know 1 kid in a million that could be as strong as me. She told me I just need to hang on. I don’t know how. She told me that she often prayed for me. I could feel her love for me. I didn’t tell her, but almost every night I thank Heavenly Father for her being in my life & that she is there for me. She told me I should show Bishop W the letter too. I was thinking about it, but now I am going to. She said she understands why I want to cut. It can be so unbearable. I need to keep going for my future husband. Sister Parker promised me that my mom will be at my wedding. I guess it just isn’t enough, yeah she will “be there” but I want to be able to see her, to touch her, to hear her voice. I don’t remember what is sounds like any more. Sister Parker wants me to come tell her what is going on with my appointments with Joy. She was excited when I told her I was moving in with my friend, Rachel. I’m excited too! She told me to bring her my writings, she wants to read them. I think I just might. When I was leaving she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. I could feel it so strongly. After I left, actually the second I walked out the door I started crying. I just let myself cry & tried to scream, but not a lot came out. After I was done crying I did feel better.