10/12/2003

What a week this been! Tuesday I went and saw Joy. It was the usual, talk about stuff and not a lot about my problems. I guess we did a little. She asked me if I felt alone? Sad? Depressed? I said, Yeah. So she told me I should go on anti-depressants and to take St. John’s Wart. At first I was appalled, how could she tell me this? I wasn’t really depressed?

Then Friday night I kinda lost it. I can’t explain it. I was starting to think I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) because of my mom’s death. After 12 years I’m still not over it. Will I ever be? Who knows.

Today I woke up at 11:05, I didn’t feel like going to church, but I did. I ended up just sitting in the lobby. I was just crying sporadically, it was nuts. I decided to walk around and started bawling. I want out back and wrote on a piece of paper:

“Who am I?

I am starting to pull away from the church. I don’t know why & it’s tearing me up inside. I don’t have the desire to come any more, like I used to. I’m just confused about everything. Who am I? Who really cares about me? Who can I turn to? I feel so alone and like there is no help for me.

Everything I used to do so easily are now hard. I try to turn to Heavenly Father but something I just feel like no one is there. If I leave the church will anyone notice? Will anyone care?”

I didn’t go to Sunday School, I haven’t gone in a few weeks, maybe a month. Relief Society was, well it was just boring. I didn’t want to be there.

I’m starting to be just emotionless, numb to feelings & the spirit. I realized today that I really am depressed, I guess it wasn’t all set in yet. It was hard for me to even admit that to myself. I’ve realized that I want to do certain things just to get attention, but why? I don’t understand it.

After church I was talking to Hayley telling her all this. She said I should talk to Bishop W. I told her I didn’t want to. She started to get really worried. After we talked, one line that Bishop W said when he gave me blessing 2 weeks ago kept coming to my mind. It was that the Lord was glad I was turning to Bishop & to him and to continue doing so. Right around 7:30 I got to the church and waited to see Bishop W. I finally started talking to him around 8:20. He asked me how I was. I told him okay. He said he didn’t believe me, because either he was just the best guy to come hang out with on a Sunday night or I was lying.

For the second time he asked me to offer the prayer, I said no. I told him about what Joy had said & about the pushing away from my parents. Then about how I used to be so strong in the church & loved everything about it & now I’m pushing that away too. He told me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed at the fact that I am depressed. Then he thought it was funny that I was reading Valley of Sorrow and no one told me too. We just talked, about depression, things I like, and so on. He’s learned not to take “I don’t know” as an answer from me. He asked me something and I said I don’t know and he said, when I will sit here until you do.

I don’t know what to do about it. What can I do? I talked to Hayley again and told her I talked to Bishop W. It was then she told me she called Bishop M, but he wasn’t home so she called Bishop W and left him a message. She told him she was really worried about me & wanted him to see if he could do anything for me.