10/27/2003

After I cut the first time I decided that I never wanted to cut again. I made it almost 4 months! After Saturday night when I cut, I didn’t really think about if I was or was not going to do it again. Saturday I really thought about it, I picked up the blade and just held it and looked at it. Then I cut once and didn’t see any blood, so I cut again and squeezed my arm until I saw some blood. Then Sunday, I’m not ever sure why, but I decided to cut again. I just picked up the blade & started taking out all my anger by cutting over and over again. I stopped for a second & didn’t see much blood, so I cut about 2 to 3 more times. Then I sat there & I realized what I had one & it scared me, I just sat there & cried. I don’t really want to cut, but then there is the part of me that does want to, I guess right now I don’t really understand why I even want to. It is just sometimes, well most the time my life seems so unreal, like it is all just one big dream. Then when I cut & I see the blood it makes me realize that I am real, I am here living, breathing, it’s not all one big joke. I feel so lonely & empty inside. I see the blood & I see there is at lease something inside me. It has been hard for me to really understand everything that has gone on in my life, it is just confusing. I always thought that when my dad got mad & was yelling at me & calling me things that it was just normal. Like all dads get mad once in a while & yell at their kids. I’ve never know anything better. I don’t think this is so good, but Sunday before I cut, I was thinking about trying burning. What is going on with me? Why do I want to do all these horrible things to my body?