12/18/03

I am so incredibly behind. I don't know how to make this short. The day after I wrote last I told my grandma everything. About going to see Joy, cutting, my grandpa being abusive. I told her that I was moving in with Rachel and I would be staying with my aunt and uncle until then. She pretty much understood. At the same time she started denying that my grandpa is verbally abusive. She says I’m just ultra-sensitive! What garbage.

That next Saturday I moved in with my uncle. That night I told my aunt everything also. Oh yeah, I’ll keep it short and say my grandpa didn’t take the cutting and moving out so well.
*The longer version (10 years later)... My grandma told him everything I told her (except that he is abusive). He told me I was evil and that I had a devil inside me. As I was about to leave when I was moving out, he got home 30 seconds before I left. He told me I was destroying his family. For the first time ever, I turned and walked away from his abuse. My hands were shaking as I reached the back door, but I left. I cried the whole way to my aunt and uncles house. For years I dreamed of the day that I would never have to go back to my parents’ house again and that day had finally come!
My aunt said I need to see Joy every week & she wants me to get put on some anti-depressant meds.

So a week ago Tuesday I saw Joy again. I told her everything that has been happening. She was glad I got out. She wants me to go to SOLE, Survivors of Life’s Experiences. It is all women who have been abused. I wasn’t sure about it at first, but I decided I would do it. Then this week she said I was going to do it!

My grandma asked how counseling was going. When I told her about SOLE her response was, “I’ll think about it and let you know if you can go or not.” That is my grandma's way of saying, “You’re not going to do it and we will never talk about it again.” I think that was my pushing factor. She didn’t want me to go, so instead I decided to do it!!! (I was 19 at the time, so she really had no say in the matter)

This past Tuesday I saw Joy again. It was fun I guess. Joy could tell something was wrong. I told her about all my flashbacks (of my mom’s death). So the whole time we talked about my mom’s death. We both cried, that was the fun part. She had me try to talk to my mom, but I couldn’t. I am writing a letter instead, it has been kinda hard.

I can tell how much she really cared about me.

Going to counseling has changed a lot, more than I thought possible.