Christmas, I haven’t really liked Christmas in 12 years. This year has been really hard. It’s my first Christmas not living with my parents. My uncle, cousins and I went & saw a movie, “Mona Lisa Smile.” It is ironic that it all took place the same time my parents got married.
On the way home my uncle was analyzing it, he compared it to my grandma, my grandparents. How she just puts my grandpa first and does everything the way he wants. He talked about being unhappy and all that stuff.
I feel like my life is once again falling apart. I hate my job, I am so depressed I just want to sleep & cry! If I was the only person in the theater I would have just cried.
I’m depressed and I’m ultra-sensitive and emotional. During the movie I kept thinking about how I wanted to kill myself. Then I started thinking, like 20 years from now when I look back on my life what will I see?
I actually started thinking about over dosing tonight. I mean, not doing enough to really hurt me, just some. Something to numb the pain. Then I started thinking about what I would tell my kids about the Christmas that I OD. Just talking some pills will not solve any of my problems.
I called and asked for tomorrow off work. My boss was pissed to say the lease. They have lied to me from day one. (I was a nanny at the time) The dad of the baby has said some pretty mean things to me and tonight it was all the wife. I am probably going to quit, I have had enough.
I have thought about cutting, but no more of that, I am done!
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