Did that really just happen?!?
At my last visit with Grace we talked briefly about my upcoming visit with my grandparents. I told her I never know which version of them am I going to get? Will I get open Grandma who wants to talk and confide in me? Or defensive Grandma who's main goal is to defend grandpa and make excuses for him? Will I get nice grandpa or mean grandpa? I've learned over the years to just roll with the punches. I get whatever version that I get. Sometimes I'd day I even end up with neutral grandma.
So far this trip has been neutral. One of our Christmas traditions is me helping her make white chocolate popcorn, even though I hate the stuff. We were getting ready to start and her aunt called. She went and talked to her aunt, I waited a while and then decided to start without her.
Once she was off the phone she came over and told me, "Sorry, I had to talk to my aunt. Her son died this year and she has no one else to talk to. Sometimes we don't talk about those thing enough, like we did with you girls and your mom's death. It was just too hard. I felt like I was going to cry all the time and I couldn't raise you while crying."
My jaw about hit the floor. It's been 24 years, twenty four... and this is the first time we have talked about my mom's death since the year it happened.
I don't remember what I said, if much at all. We continued talking about her aunt and the struggle she is going through.
When that conversation died down I asked her, "I told you I was going to counseling for the depression, didn't I?" She said yes and asked how it was going. "Good. We actually just finished. We realized that my depression gets worse this time of year." Her response again floored me, "That must be because your mom died this time of year." I told her, yes that is what we figured out.
I really can't believe we just talked about that. I actually LOVE when that happens. It's nice to be able to open up to her and talk to her about things that are never discussed. Oh and she flat out told me grandpa is still drinking!!!! Guess it's not that big of a secret if she is willing to tell me out of the blue.
As we were getting ready to leave Grandma told me, "I am glad we got to talk. We should talk like that more often. Maybe if we talked about these things neither of us would need counseling." Grandpa kind of ruined the moment by coming over and saying, "Yeah, we should talk more too!"
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Last Visit
I had my last visit with Grace.
Even though I'm back on Prozac so much has changed. I think for the most part I have finally started TRYING! It was something Grace said to me a while back, "You can fight this." Just like that it sunk in. I can FIGHT this! I don't have to just give up and just accept it, I can FIGHT it. When the urge comes to just sleep, fight it. When I want to just sit and sulk, fight it. When I want to isolate myself, fight it.
Fighting through it at first it has now become habit. So often before if I were "talking" to someone I didn't engage much. They ask questions, I answered, the end.... Now things are different. I am pushing aside the wanting to isolate myself and I ask questions, I strike up conversations, I try to get to know others better. It is still different, but I love it!
Even though I'm back on Prozac so much has changed. I think for the most part I have finally started TRYING! It was something Grace said to me a while back, "You can fight this." Just like that it sunk in. I can FIGHT this! I don't have to just give up and just accept it, I can FIGHT it. When the urge comes to just sleep, fight it. When I want to just sit and sulk, fight it. When I want to isolate myself, fight it.
Fighting through it at first it has now become habit. So often before if I were "talking" to someone I didn't engage much. They ask questions, I answered, the end.... Now things are different. I am pushing aside the wanting to isolate myself and I ask questions, I strike up conversations, I try to get to know others better. It is still different, but I love it!
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
12/16/15
Maybe it's being back on Prozac, maybe it's moving and the new environment, but I have been feeling amazing! I have been stay productive with work. My favorite part, my house is ALWAYS clean! Like all the time. My house is never clean, in the past that is. Somewhere along the way I gave up on it ever being clean. It's just too hard with kids, the depression told me. So I quit trying. While seeing Joy last May/June that was one of the things we talked about. I started trying again and it was pretty good, but never 100%. I was okay with that. Any part clean is better than nothing clean. Now since we moved I have kept this place 100% clean. The dishes are always done too. If we had a washing machine I'm sure I'd be kept up on laundry too.
Today I found myself playing with Brax. Another thing that rarely happened before. The other day we took the dogs on a walk. Which isn't that odd, except it's winter and I hate the cold, but we still did it!
I stay busy all day long without having to force myself to. My only struggle right now is my body still want to sleep 24/7. I have such a hard time getting up in the mornings. I feel like getting up has been worse since moving. Not sure why, but it has!
The past few days I keep thinking how great things are going right now and how good I've been feeling. The only thing giving my anxiety is our dang truck! I've been dreading going to visit my family for Christmas because of my anxiety that it will break down again! Brad jokingly said, No it broke down last time that means we have at least 1 more trip before it breaks down again! And since we just fixed something that gives us 1 to 3 months before something new will break!
Today I found myself playing with Brax. Another thing that rarely happened before. The other day we took the dogs on a walk. Which isn't that odd, except it's winter and I hate the cold, but we still did it!
I stay busy all day long without having to force myself to. My only struggle right now is my body still want to sleep 24/7. I have such a hard time getting up in the mornings. I feel like getting up has been worse since moving. Not sure why, but it has!
The past few days I keep thinking how great things are going right now and how good I've been feeling. The only thing giving my anxiety is our dang truck! I've been dreading going to visit my family for Christmas because of my anxiety that it will break down again! Brad jokingly said, No it broke down last time that means we have at least 1 more trip before it breaks down again! And since we just fixed something that gives us 1 to 3 months before something new will break!
Sunday, December 13, 2015
12/13/15
One of the things I needed to do between sessions with Grace was talk to my new bishop. Several months ago while I was still seeing Joy and I needed to talk to my current Bishop I made Brad do all the talking. I was not looking forward to doing this (or forcing Brad to) all over again!
Thankfully I had 2 weeks in between to do it. The first week was our first day in the ward and I was feeling overwhelmed enough. The second week I knew I had to do it then! After Sacrament meeting we went to our Bishops office to see if we (I) could talk to him. At the time he was busy, but we ended up talking to his counselors for a while. While waiting we were asked to speak in sacrament meeting in a few weeks on the Atonement.
We were about to set a time to come back after church when the bishop walked by and asked if we wanted to talk to him. We went into his office and I was hoping Brad would once again do all the talking for me, but he didn't. It was actually a good thing. I did open up to out new bishop, Bishop H and it went well. He seems very laid back and was okay with everything going on. He also seemed to know/ get how the whole counseling thing works. Years ago with Bishop E he was so weird about it I was convinced I was the first person he had ever met or dealt with counseling before.
All in all, I'm glad I did talk to him and things went well.
Thankfully I had 2 weeks in between to do it. The first week was our first day in the ward and I was feeling overwhelmed enough. The second week I knew I had to do it then! After Sacrament meeting we went to our Bishops office to see if we (I) could talk to him. At the time he was busy, but we ended up talking to his counselors for a while. While waiting we were asked to speak in sacrament meeting in a few weeks on the Atonement.
We were about to set a time to come back after church when the bishop walked by and asked if we wanted to talk to him. We went into his office and I was hoping Brad would once again do all the talking for me, but he didn't. It was actually a good thing. I did open up to out new bishop, Bishop H and it went well. He seems very laid back and was okay with everything going on. He also seemed to know/ get how the whole counseling thing works. Years ago with Bishop E he was so weird about it I was convinced I was the first person he had ever met or dealt with counseling before.
All in all, I'm glad I did talk to him and things went well.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
12/6/15
How things are going...
I have a really hard time socially. I always have. I'm part shy, part quiet, part closed up, part antisocial. It's not that I don't like talking to people, I really do. I struggle with new people and groups of people. Put the two together and it's very overwhelming. The number thing I hate about moving into a new ward at church is people. It’s so hard for me to open up to new people. I don’t like meeting new people or talking to them. Heck, I didn't want to open up to Grace the first time I met her, yet I did and it has been great.
When we were talking about how I struggle socially she told me about something to try. When you are going something hard carry a (hardware) washer with you and rub it for strength. The funny thing is I used to do that with my mom’s necklace! I remember when I gave Joy the letter I sat there rubbing it. I also feel connected to my mom through rubbing it.
I still have to talk to my new bishop. Being in counseling and moving is the worst! I wasn't dreading it that much and then I remembered what happened last time we moved while I was seeing James. It was so bad, I never want to deal with that again. So now I am willed with the fear that my new bishop, Bishop H, will be anti-counseling and rude just like Bishop S was!
I have a huge fear of rejection. Grace told me that most people do. I never thought of that before. She told me to look at this way- when you are talking to someone they fear rejection also, they want others to like them too.
Grace and I also talked about being an introvert vs. extrovert. We talked about (this) and how it isn't about outgoing vs. shy, it's where you get your energy from.
"Introverts (or those of us with introverted tendencies) tend to recharge by spending time alone. They lose energy from being around people for long periods of time, particularly large crowds.
Extroverts, on the other hand, gain energy from other people. Extroverts actually find their energy is sapped when they spend too much time alone. They recharge by being social."
—Beth Belle Cooper
Being an introvert doesn’t mean you always want to be alone or with others. There are time I want to be with others or talk to people. I love spending time time my husband or friends. I 100% get my energy from being alone! In fact Brad goes to bed about 2 hours before me. Not just because he has to wake up before me, but I need alone time at the end of the night! If I go to a party or gathering I usually come home drained because of all the people! I do enjoy it though, it just exhausts me!
We talked about my stress levels- Prozac is working great. I used to think that an anti-depressant numbed you, thus I refused to take them. I heard that it just masks all emotions and makes you unable
to feel. It is so not true at all. It makes me feel normal. I feel like I can feel negative emotions,
positive emotions, feel them when I need to, but also don’t have all the negativity/ depression
weighing me down.
I’m trying to just let what is going on with Grandpa be what it is. I can’t change things. I can’t
control anything. It is what it is. Yes, I am sad he didn’t truly change and that is okay. It's his problem.
I'm up to 4 positive things, out of 10. I'm getting there. At first I thought I would come up with them much faster/ easier then this. I didn't think it would be so hard. Maybe I'm being too picky, but I'm making sure I am 100% sure of an item/ word before I commit to it!
As I was leaving I mentioned that I’m feeling a little anxious about the anniversary of my mom’s
death coming up. It’s in just over a week, which will be between sessions.
We started moving 2 weeks ago. With Thanksgiving it was kinda crazy, but we finished and love it here! Maybe it's the new place or being on Prozac without repercussions, but I've been staying motivated! That never happens! My house is staying clean, I'm staying productive, dishes are (almost) always done, I spend less time watching TV and sitting on the couch. In fact I was sitting on the couch watching tv, which I always done once the kids are in bed, and I noticed the overflowing sink of dishes. I didn't want to, but I went in there and did them all! I feel so much better about myself and my house just by doing that!
I have a really hard time socially. I always have. I'm part shy, part quiet, part closed up, part antisocial. It's not that I don't like talking to people, I really do. I struggle with new people and groups of people. Put the two together and it's very overwhelming. The number thing I hate about moving into a new ward at church is people. It’s so hard for me to open up to new people. I don’t like meeting new people or talking to them. Heck, I didn't want to open up to Grace the first time I met her, yet I did and it has been great.
I still have to talk to my new bishop. Being in counseling and moving is the worst! I wasn't dreading it that much and then I remembered what happened last time we moved while I was seeing James. It was so bad, I never want to deal with that again. So now I am willed with the fear that my new bishop, Bishop H, will be anti-counseling and rude just like Bishop S was!
I have a huge fear of rejection. Grace told me that most people do. I never thought of that before. She told me to look at this way- when you are talking to someone they fear rejection also, they want others to like them too.
Grace and I also talked about being an introvert vs. extrovert. We talked about (this) and how it isn't about outgoing vs. shy, it's where you get your energy from.
"Introverts (or those of us with introverted tendencies) tend to recharge by spending time alone. They lose energy from being around people for long periods of time, particularly large crowds.
Extroverts, on the other hand, gain energy from other people. Extroverts actually find their energy is sapped when they spend too much time alone. They recharge by being social."
—Beth Belle Cooper
Being an introvert doesn’t mean you always want to be alone or with others. There are time I want to be with others or talk to people. I love spending time time my husband or friends. I 100% get my energy from being alone! In fact Brad goes to bed about 2 hours before me. Not just because he has to wake up before me, but I need alone time at the end of the night! If I go to a party or gathering I usually come home drained because of all the people! I do enjoy it though, it just exhausts me!
We talked about my stress levels- Prozac is working great. I used to think that an anti-depressant numbed you, thus I refused to take them. I heard that it just masks all emotions and makes you unable
to feel. It is so not true at all. It makes me feel normal. I feel like I can feel negative emotions,
positive emotions, feel them when I need to, but also don’t have all the negativity/ depression
weighing me down.
I’m trying to just let what is going on with Grandpa be what it is. I can’t change things. I can’t
control anything. It is what it is. Yes, I am sad he didn’t truly change and that is okay. It's his problem.
I'm up to 4 positive things, out of 10. I'm getting there. At first I thought I would come up with them much faster/ easier then this. I didn't think it would be so hard. Maybe I'm being too picky, but I'm making sure I am 100% sure of an item/ word before I commit to it!
As I was leaving I mentioned that I’m feeling a little anxious about the anniversary of my mom’s
death coming up. It’s in just over a week, which will be between sessions.
We started moving 2 weeks ago. With Thanksgiving it was kinda crazy, but we finished and love it here! Maybe it's the new place or being on Prozac without repercussions, but I've been staying motivated! That never happens! My house is staying clean, I'm staying productive, dishes are (almost) always done, I spend less time watching TV and sitting on the couch. In fact I was sitting on the couch watching tv, which I always done once the kids are in bed, and I noticed the overflowing sink of dishes. I didn't want to, but I went in there and did them all! I feel so much better about myself and my house just by doing that!
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
12/1/15
For Thanksgiving we usually go and spend the weekend with Brad’s family, but with his parents in Georgia this year we aren’t. We figured we’d just spend it with my family. Our plans kept changing and changing and going back and forth. It finally came down to the fact that we were moving the Tuesday before, we decided we would just stay home and do nothing. Then one week before my sister texted me inviting us to spend it with them. The last time I talked to my grandma about it she said it would just be us and them and I wasn’t too thrilled about that idea. Once my sister invited us to spend it with them and our grandparents I was rather excited!
A few days later our truck, of course, started acting up again! A light kept popping up saying the battery was dying while we were driving. It wasn’t acting funny so we ignored it. Want to guess what happened on our way to my grandparent’s house? Yep, 30 miles outside of town at 10:30 at night we broke down! I took it all surprisingly well. I actually found it pretty funny! On Wellbutrin it would have felt like the end of the world. Thankfully I’ve been off it for 2 to 3 weeks now.
We weighed our options. 1) Call a tow truck- no way. 2) Hayley’s husband come help us- he was at
work 3) Brad’s brother come pick us up- okay, but he can’t tow the truck so we would have
to go all the way back out there to fix it Or 4) Hayley’s brother could come tow us- that works. I happened to be talking to Hayley as the truck was dying. It took us a while to figure out what we wanted to do, but we decided it would be best if Hayley’s brother could just tow the truck to my grandparents that way we could just fix it. Needless to say it was so hard to get our dead truck up
onto the trailer we got to my grandparent's house at 4 am!!!
Brad thought/ knew what was wrong with the truck and thankfully there was an auto parts store open on Thanksgiving. Brad pulled the part and he and my grandpa took it in to make sure it was broken before buying a new one. Low and behold it tested fine and didn’t appear to be broken. Brad put it back in and the truck ran just fine. We tried and tried to force it to act up again, but it didn’t. I was back to normal! Okay, what a weird fluke!
We had a great Thanksgiving. The food was wonderful. My kids love playing with their cousin’s and didn’t want to leave. I was actually sad that we had to cut our trip short because of the move. We needed to get home to finished moving our furniture and all that fun stuff.
This trip Grandpa was being really nice and “normal”. It got me reflecting on my pre-teen years when we were best friends and there was no abuse. Back then he also only drank 1 glass of wine with dinner. I kept thinking, He must be sober because he is being SO nice! I guess I have a love/hate relationship with him being nice. I love it but at the same time I know it isn’t going to last forever.
On our way home we were 45 minutes away when the truck started acting up again! Are you kidding me? This is when I lost it! I just can’t handle this... We got to a store that had the part the same time they were closing! They were great and were willing to stay open to help us. Of course now the part showed that it was broken, which would have been way too easy for it to do that the first time! Brad goes to buy it, but we don’t have enough money! Imagine me completely freaking out because we had to drive home knowing that at any given second the truck could brake down on us AGAIN!
For some reason right then Brad decided it was the right time to tell me something. He told me he has known for a few months now, but didn’t want to tell me, but also doesn’t want to hide it from me... he has seen empty wine containers in my parents trash can. I thought having proof would make me happy. Instead my stomach dropped and I started crying. I had hoped that he had really, deep down had changed and stopped drinking. I didn’t believe he had, but there was still that hope. Maybe I was just imaging him acting drunk, maybe he hadn’t drank since before He was baptized after all. Just maybe. Deep down I knew I would keep drinking. I KNEW I had smelled alcohol on his breath in the past 2 years. I KNEW his behaviors were that of when he had been drinking. Maybe I didn’t want to believe it either, that he really still is. It made me so sad to know that he really, truly is! At the same time I kept saying, “I knew it! I could just tell He really was and I was right!” Part of me was happy that I was actually right. I didn’t imagine it or his behaviors! I still have mixed emotions about the whole thing. Sad he hasn't really changed, but happy that I didn't imagine him acting that way.
One of the most frustrating part is that I just don't get it. I don't understand why he is doing what he is doing. I wish I could just tell him to pick one way or the other. Before he joined the church he would drink and shop on Sunday and do whatever he wanted to do, okay no big deal. Then he decided to finally make that commitment at almost 80-years-old, okay that's awesome. Except that he wants to have to both ways. He wants to be an active LDS member of the church who takes the sacrament each Sunday, but also drink and do whatever he wants to do. I know I will never understand. I will never know why. I just wish that if he wasn't going change his life at all then he wouldn't have bothered even getting baptized.
In case you are wondering, we did make it home without breaking down yet again! We got the new part and the truck is running, for now!
I have been back on Prozac for 2 weeks now. I am doing so well on it! I have been sleeping great and feeling great. Today I felt so productive! There are time where I struggle to do anything except sit on the couch and watch TV. Today I didn’t even touch the couch until 6 pm.
A few days later our truck, of course, started acting up again! A light kept popping up saying the battery was dying while we were driving. It wasn’t acting funny so we ignored it. Want to guess what happened on our way to my grandparent’s house? Yep, 30 miles outside of town at 10:30 at night we broke down! I took it all surprisingly well. I actually found it pretty funny! On Wellbutrin it would have felt like the end of the world. Thankfully I’ve been off it for 2 to 3 weeks now.
We weighed our options. 1) Call a tow truck- no way. 2) Hayley’s husband come help us- he was at
work 3) Brad’s brother come pick us up- okay, but he can’t tow the truck so we would have
to go all the way back out there to fix it Or 4) Hayley’s brother could come tow us- that works. I happened to be talking to Hayley as the truck was dying. It took us a while to figure out what we wanted to do, but we decided it would be best if Hayley’s brother could just tow the truck to my grandparents that way we could just fix it. Needless to say it was so hard to get our dead truck up
onto the trailer we got to my grandparent's house at 4 am!!!
Brad thought/ knew what was wrong with the truck and thankfully there was an auto parts store open on Thanksgiving. Brad pulled the part and he and my grandpa took it in to make sure it was broken before buying a new one. Low and behold it tested fine and didn’t appear to be broken. Brad put it back in and the truck ran just fine. We tried and tried to force it to act up again, but it didn’t. I was back to normal! Okay, what a weird fluke!
We had a great Thanksgiving. The food was wonderful. My kids love playing with their cousin’s and didn’t want to leave. I was actually sad that we had to cut our trip short because of the move. We needed to get home to finished moving our furniture and all that fun stuff.
This trip Grandpa was being really nice and “normal”. It got me reflecting on my pre-teen years when we were best friends and there was no abuse. Back then he also only drank 1 glass of wine with dinner. I kept thinking, He must be sober because he is being SO nice! I guess I have a love/hate relationship with him being nice. I love it but at the same time I know it isn’t going to last forever.
On our way home we were 45 minutes away when the truck started acting up again! Are you kidding me? This is when I lost it! I just can’t handle this... We got to a store that had the part the same time they were closing! They were great and were willing to stay open to help us. Of course now the part showed that it was broken, which would have been way too easy for it to do that the first time! Brad goes to buy it, but we don’t have enough money! Imagine me completely freaking out because we had to drive home knowing that at any given second the truck could brake down on us AGAIN!
For some reason right then Brad decided it was the right time to tell me something. He told me he has known for a few months now, but didn’t want to tell me, but also doesn’t want to hide it from me... he has seen empty wine containers in my parents trash can. I thought having proof would make me happy. Instead my stomach dropped and I started crying. I had hoped that he had really, deep down had changed and stopped drinking. I didn’t believe he had, but there was still that hope. Maybe I was just imaging him acting drunk, maybe he hadn’t drank since before He was baptized after all. Just maybe. Deep down I knew I would keep drinking. I KNEW I had smelled alcohol on his breath in the past 2 years. I KNEW his behaviors were that of when he had been drinking. Maybe I didn’t want to believe it either, that he really still is. It made me so sad to know that he really, truly is! At the same time I kept saying, “I knew it! I could just tell He really was and I was right!” Part of me was happy that I was actually right. I didn’t imagine it or his behaviors! I still have mixed emotions about the whole thing. Sad he hasn't really changed, but happy that I didn't imagine him acting that way.
One of the most frustrating part is that I just don't get it. I don't understand why he is doing what he is doing. I wish I could just tell him to pick one way or the other. Before he joined the church he would drink and shop on Sunday and do whatever he wanted to do, okay no big deal. Then he decided to finally make that commitment at almost 80-years-old, okay that's awesome. Except that he wants to have to both ways. He wants to be an active LDS member of the church who takes the sacrament each Sunday, but also drink and do whatever he wants to do. I know I will never understand. I will never know why. I just wish that if he wasn't going change his life at all then he wouldn't have bothered even getting baptized.
In case you are wondering, we did make it home without breaking down yet again! We got the new part and the truck is running, for now!
I have been back on Prozac for 2 weeks now. I am doing so well on it! I have been sleeping great and feeling great. Today I felt so productive! There are time where I struggle to do anything except sit on the couch and watch TV. Today I didn’t even touch the couch until 6 pm.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
11/14/15
I finally had my doctors appointment to talk about my depression. I say it, or at least think it, everytime I see him, but I love how thorough he is. He went through what symptoms I'm struggling with, how I've been feeling and thinking.
Question) How have you been on the Wellbutrin?
Answer) It has worked for the most part, but I have go from feeling 100% to rock bottom within seconds for no reason.
Q) What is your sleep like?
A) Once I fall asleep (sometimes I struggle) it is hard to wake up and all I want to do is asleep.
Q) What is your energy level like?
A) Really low energy
Q) Do you feel guilty about anything?
A) No
Q) Do you have any hobbies? What are they?
A) Yes, crafting
Q)You have ever thought about hurting yourself?
A) um.... yes.
Q) When was this?
A) A few months ago (about 2 1/2)
Q) Did you have an actual plan?
A) No
Q) Were you ever close to doing anything?
A) Nope
Q) Were your feelings more like- I want to go to sleep and never wake up or I want to runaway and not come back
A) Sleep, I'm just tired of one thing going wrong after another.
Somewhere in here he suggested counseling. I told him I already am.
We also talked briefly about my hysterectomy. The last time I saw him he was giving me the referral to my Ob, so he didn't know it was already over and done with! It's funny how talking about my hysterectomy always makes me smile. One of the best things I've ever done!
One funny thing that happened, at least I thought it was funny-
One thing I've noticed with Dr. P is he has always kept doctor stuff and church stuff separate. He has never mentioned anything doctor related at church or anything church related at his office. So he really caught me off guard when he asked me, "What is your calling in your ward?" It was funny how he asked that out of the blue. I told him that it was in Cub Scouts, but we are moving soon and will be in a different ward, but in the same stake.
We are now seeing how I will do on Brintellix.
I've decided to keep track of how I'm doing on Brintellix
Day 1: Took mid-day, slight nausea. Fell right asleep at 11.
Day 2: Woke up at 5. Got nap from 9 to 10:30. Felt great all day. Took at bedtime, slight nausea. Fell right asleep at 12.
Day 3: Woke up at 11:30 (over 11 hours of sleep). Felt fine all day. Took at bedtime, slight nausea, slightly itchy, really restless and struggled to fall asleep.
Day 4: Got very restless sleep from about 2 am to 6 am. Woke up extremely itchy all over.
Day 5: I'm done. I remained itchy all over my whole body all day. The idea of taking something that makes me nauseas, itchy, restless, and sleep deprived does not sound appealing!
Back to Prozac! This time there is no cycle to mess up!
Question) How have you been on the Wellbutrin?
Answer) It has worked for the most part, but I have go from feeling 100% to rock bottom within seconds for no reason.
Q) What is your sleep like?
A) Once I fall asleep (sometimes I struggle) it is hard to wake up and all I want to do is asleep.
Q) What is your energy level like?
A) Really low energy
Q) Do you feel guilty about anything?
A) No
Q) Do you have any hobbies? What are they?
A) Yes, crafting
Q)You have ever thought about hurting yourself?
A) um.... yes.
Q) When was this?
A) A few months ago (about 2 1/2)
Q) Did you have an actual plan?
A) No
Q) Were you ever close to doing anything?
A) Nope
Q) Were your feelings more like- I want to go to sleep and never wake up or I want to runaway and not come back
A) Sleep, I'm just tired of one thing going wrong after another.
Somewhere in here he suggested counseling. I told him I already am.
We also talked briefly about my hysterectomy. The last time I saw him he was giving me the referral to my Ob, so he didn't know it was already over and done with! It's funny how talking about my hysterectomy always makes me smile. One of the best things I've ever done!
One funny thing that happened, at least I thought it was funny-
One thing I've noticed with Dr. P is he has always kept doctor stuff and church stuff separate. He has never mentioned anything doctor related at church or anything church related at his office. So he really caught me off guard when he asked me, "What is your calling in your ward?" It was funny how he asked that out of the blue. I told him that it was in Cub Scouts, but we are moving soon and will be in a different ward, but in the same stake.
We are now seeing how I will do on Brintellix.
I've decided to keep track of how I'm doing on Brintellix
Day 1: Took mid-day, slight nausea. Fell right asleep at 11.
Day 2: Woke up at 5. Got nap from 9 to 10:30. Felt great all day. Took at bedtime, slight nausea. Fell right asleep at 12.
Day 3: Woke up at 11:30 (over 11 hours of sleep). Felt fine all day. Took at bedtime, slight nausea, slightly itchy, really restless and struggled to fall asleep.
Day 4: Got very restless sleep from about 2 am to 6 am. Woke up extremely itchy all over.
Day 5: I'm done. I remained itchy all over my whole body all day. The idea of taking something that makes me nauseas, itchy, restless, and sleep deprived does not sound appealing!
Back to Prozac! This time there is no cycle to mess up!
Friday, November 13, 2015
11/13/15
One of the things that Grace and I talked about was my lack of eating.
Why don't I eat?
- I don't like eating.
- I hate having to try to figure out what to eat
If I could actually survive without eating I would!
One of the reasons I struggle is because growing up there was a lot of verbal abuse that went on during dinner. Plus, Grandpa was constantly calling me fat. For the record my BMI as a teenager was 22.5, which is normal!
Another thing we talked about was my withdrawal and isolation. We are moving soon and will be in a new ward, so this could be a good thing for me. So being in a new ward soon I need to actually talk to people. I think that might be my problem is I sit around and wait for people to come to me. I need to make an effort to talk to people, which is so hard for me!
Why don't I eat?
- I don't like eating.
- I hate having to try to figure out what to eat
If I could actually survive without eating I would!
One of the reasons I struggle is because growing up there was a lot of verbal abuse that went on during dinner. Plus, Grandpa was constantly calling me fat. For the record my BMI as a teenager was 22.5, which is normal!
Another thing we talked about was my withdrawal and isolation. We are moving soon and will be in a new ward, so this could be a good thing for me. So being in a new ward soon I need to actually talk to people. I think that might be my problem is I sit around and wait for people to come to me. I need to make an effort to talk to people, which is so hard for me!
Sunday, November 8, 2015
11/8/2015
Friday, November 6, 2015
11/6/15
Last night I finally had time to sit and talk with Brad about how things went with Grace this week. As we talked about the grief process I brought up the baby. I told Brad how I was thinking about him just the other day and everything that went on with Jen. It wasn't until I went through the paper Grace gave me on grief that I realized how I went through the whole process of grieving his loss without even realizing it. I told Brad that just shows me that I am capable of going through this whole grief process.
As Brad and I talked I realized that we haven't talked about the baby pretty much since it happened. It's also interesting that over the past 4 years if I ever think about him, or miss him I <u>let</u> myself feel sad and miss him. I never push down those feelings or ignore them or feeling guilty for have them. I let them come and I let myself feel them and I move on. This is where I need to go to with my mom's death. I've been fighting the whole grieving process for so long, way too long. If those feelings come up, I shove them back down. I have felt like if they come up it is too painful to deal with so I try to ignore them.
I still can not think of anything to do each year though. I'm at a complete loss of ideas.
I do feel like we did take a step, possibly the final step, in grieving the loss of the baby. Before now we have always referred to it/ him as "the baby". We always planned on using the name Payson for a future son. Now that we are done and are not going to be having any more children I suggested we officially make him "Payson". Brad liked that. It still seems so weird to me sometime to completely grasp the fact that he never existed. As Brad put it last night it's the idea of him, the thought of having him. In my head he still seems so real and that is okay. I'm allowed to be sad and miss him. I have noticed though that the whole event is no longer painful. It hasn't been for a long time and it only happened 4 1/2 years ago. Yet, my mom's death still is. I still have so many emotions to work through. That's the important part, working through them instead of trying my hardest not to face them out of fear of pain.
I haven't been able to sleep tonight. By 3:30 I figured maybe a bath would relax me. Instead it seems to wake me up more! I've still been trying to think of what I want to do. It seems so hard when just thinking about my mom most of the time is painful. One of the ideas I do have that doesn't seem that hard to simply bake cookies with my kids. It's one thing I remember doing with her.
After I told Grace the details of my mom's death she asked me some questions. One of them was if I felt loved by my mom. That's been one of the hardest part of losing her was going from feelings loved and wanted to feeling like my grandparents possession. I don't know why, but they (mainly Grandpa) constantly told me that they "saved" me from being a homeless orphan. That doesn't make you feel very loved or wanted now does it? The worst part about that is it is not even true! I can go on and on about that, but I will move on.
Another question was if I feared losing my mom/ knew that it was possible she could die. I simply said yes, actually I just shock my head yes. I didn't go into the painful fact that one of the last things I ever said to my mom the night before she died was, "Are you going to die?". It was as if I knew. Somehow deep down I knew she was going to die that night.
As Brad and I talked I realized that we haven't talked about the baby pretty much since it happened. It's also interesting that over the past 4 years if I ever think about him, or miss him I <u>let</u> myself feel sad and miss him. I never push down those feelings or ignore them or feeling guilty for have them. I let them come and I let myself feel them and I move on. This is where I need to go to with my mom's death. I've been fighting the whole grieving process for so long, way too long. If those feelings come up, I shove them back down. I have felt like if they come up it is too painful to deal with so I try to ignore them.
I still can not think of anything to do each year though. I'm at a complete loss of ideas.
I do feel like we did take a step, possibly the final step, in grieving the loss of the baby. Before now we have always referred to it/ him as "the baby". We always planned on using the name Payson for a future son. Now that we are done and are not going to be having any more children I suggested we officially make him "Payson". Brad liked that. It still seems so weird to me sometime to completely grasp the fact that he never existed. As Brad put it last night it's the idea of him, the thought of having him. In my head he still seems so real and that is okay. I'm allowed to be sad and miss him. I have noticed though that the whole event is no longer painful. It hasn't been for a long time and it only happened 4 1/2 years ago. Yet, my mom's death still is. I still have so many emotions to work through. That's the important part, working through them instead of trying my hardest not to face them out of fear of pain.
I haven't been able to sleep tonight. By 3:30 I figured maybe a bath would relax me. Instead it seems to wake me up more! I've still been trying to think of what I want to do. It seems so hard when just thinking about my mom most of the time is painful. One of the ideas I do have that doesn't seem that hard to simply bake cookies with my kids. It's one thing I remember doing with her.
After I told Grace the details of my mom's death she asked me some questions. One of them was if I felt loved by my mom. That's been one of the hardest part of losing her was going from feelings loved and wanted to feeling like my grandparents possession. I don't know why, but they (mainly Grandpa) constantly told me that they "saved" me from being a homeless orphan. That doesn't make you feel very loved or wanted now does it? The worst part about that is it is not even true! I can go on and on about that, but I will move on.
Another question was if I feared losing my mom/ knew that it was possible she could die. I simply said yes, actually I just shock my head yes. I didn't go into the painful fact that one of the last things I ever said to my mom the night before she died was, "Are you going to die?". It was as if I knew. Somehow deep down I knew she was going to die that night.
11/6/15
I woke up this morning feeling better then I have felt in 3 weeks! I actually woke up before my alarm, thanks to the kids and day lights savings.
I actually felt like eating before 1 pm! I'm usually so nauseous that I have no desire to eat until I'm starving and force myself to eat something.
I also have felt motivated to get stuff done, which hasn't happened in easily a month! I checked to see if I had any orders I needed to get done, which I don't. This is the first time in 3 1/2 years I haven't had a single order! It's a nice break for once.
When I went to the kitchen to eat I decided to finally sweep the floors. I haven't cleaned any part of the house in probably a month. It's hard enough getting out of bed when the depression is bad. Cleaning the house is nearly impossible. As my food cooked I swept the laundry room, dinning room and kitchen. Just maybe throughout the day I'll clean some more.
The past week has been so bad that I've actually fallen behind on laundry which hasn't happened for 4 months! Goal of today is to now try to catch up!
I'm excited about moving and have finally hit the point that I'm so excited I just want to pack everything up! We still have 3 weeks to go. It's funny but I'm rather excited to have a tiny backyard! Out right now is too big. My kids take stuff out there, I can't see it and it gets left out there for months! We haven't been able to find Em's jacket for a week. We thought maybe she left it at school. Today she walked in hold it all covered in leaves and melted snow!
I can't help but wonder if feeling good today has to do with the fact that I forgot all three doses of Wellbutrin yesterday. This same thing happened 14 months ago with Celexa. I missed it one day and left better. I skipped it again the next day and continued to feel better off it. I can't remember if it was 2 or 4 days later, but I kept thinking how weird it was that I left better off it then on. Then in a matter of minutes I went from feeling 100% to 0%. So today as I was thinking about this I reminded myself that I needed to stay on Wellbutrin until I switch to something else. I see my doctor in a few days so we will discuss it then. At this point I'm wondering how I'll do back on Prozac. The only reason I had to go off was because it was messing with my cycles, which is no longer an issue!
So I've been going along all morning thinking, I'm doing so good today... Then I take Em to school and I realize my "I'm doing good" is probably someone else's struggling. Halfway to the school I realize Em didn't do her homework last night! Then as she was walking into her classroom Brax tells me, "Em's wearing pajama pants! ha ha ha." Me, "No she is n... oh my gosh she is!" At least they do not look like pajamas!
I got another good laugh after I picked Em up from school. We were on our way home and Em asked what was in a mug. It was one I put hot chocolate in last week when we went up the mountain. I told her, "Really old, nasty, moldy, hot chocolate." She didn't believe me, so I told her to try it. Em then says, "Here Brax you try!" and he did! Yeah I was right, there was old hot chocolate in it. I was laughing so hard! I'm surprised he didn't throw up, I was dry heaving just cleaning out the cup!
I actually felt like eating before 1 pm! I'm usually so nauseous that I have no desire to eat until I'm starving and force myself to eat something.
I also have felt motivated to get stuff done, which hasn't happened in easily a month! I checked to see if I had any orders I needed to get done, which I don't. This is the first time in 3 1/2 years I haven't had a single order! It's a nice break for once.
When I went to the kitchen to eat I decided to finally sweep the floors. I haven't cleaned any part of the house in probably a month. It's hard enough getting out of bed when the depression is bad. Cleaning the house is nearly impossible. As my food cooked I swept the laundry room, dinning room and kitchen. Just maybe throughout the day I'll clean some more.
The past week has been so bad that I've actually fallen behind on laundry which hasn't happened for 4 months! Goal of today is to now try to catch up!
I'm excited about moving and have finally hit the point that I'm so excited I just want to pack everything up! We still have 3 weeks to go. It's funny but I'm rather excited to have a tiny backyard! Out right now is too big. My kids take stuff out there, I can't see it and it gets left out there for months! We haven't been able to find Em's jacket for a week. We thought maybe she left it at school. Today she walked in hold it all covered in leaves and melted snow!
I can't help but wonder if feeling good today has to do with the fact that I forgot all three doses of Wellbutrin yesterday. This same thing happened 14 months ago with Celexa. I missed it one day and left better. I skipped it again the next day and continued to feel better off it. I can't remember if it was 2 or 4 days later, but I kept thinking how weird it was that I left better off it then on. Then in a matter of minutes I went from feeling 100% to 0%. So today as I was thinking about this I reminded myself that I needed to stay on Wellbutrin until I switch to something else. I see my doctor in a few days so we will discuss it then. At this point I'm wondering how I'll do back on Prozac. The only reason I had to go off was because it was messing with my cycles, which is no longer an issue!
So I've been going along all morning thinking, I'm doing so good today... Then I take Em to school and I realize my "I'm doing good" is probably someone else's struggling. Halfway to the school I realize Em didn't do her homework last night! Then as she was walking into her classroom Brax tells me, "Em's wearing pajama pants! ha ha ha." Me, "No she is n... oh my gosh she is!" At least they do not look like pajamas!
I got another good laugh after I picked Em up from school. We were on our way home and Em asked what was in a mug. It was one I put hot chocolate in last week when we went up the mountain. I told her, "Really old, nasty, moldy, hot chocolate." She didn't believe me, so I told her to try it. Em then says, "Here Brax you try!" and he did! Yeah I was right, there was old hot chocolate in it. I was laughing so hard! I'm surprised he didn't throw up, I was dry heaving just cleaning out the cup!
11/6/15
My anxiety has been crazy ever since Saturday. I've had 6 days to both look forward to and dread seeing Grace. I was dreading the fact that since I figured out my depression this time of year is triggered by my mom's death I was going to have to talk about it. Saying I hate talking about it is an understatement. At the same time I was anxious to get it out so I could deal with it.
It wasn't that hard for me to tell Grace that I pinpointed what was bringing on my depression. Explained what it was, that was the hard part. I sit here and say I'm so much more open then when I was seeing Joy, yet open for me is probably another person's closed up! I do eventually open up, it just takes a little time.
Even though I talked about my mom's death with James we mainly focused on my feelings after her death about the adoption.
I've known for years that I just numbed my feelings and emotions completely after her death. Growing up it was shameful simply to cry. After my Grandpa got home the day my mom died for 1 split second I found it okay to cry and feel sad. Today after relaying the story to Grace she asked how I was feeling right then, numb. I still do it! When those feelings and emotions get too strong I just numb them! The one emotion I remember, other than feeling sad for about 30 seconds, is numb.
It has been weird to think about being able to grieve. In my family you simply forget it ever happened, move on with your life and if it pops up again just shove it all down! Here I am 24 years later just now realized that I need to! Grieving is a negative thing in my family, you don't grieve you forget! One of my thoughts today was, "Really, so is not shameful to actually cry about it, or be sad, or let it actually make me sad each year? That is okay?"
Grieving her death seems so foreign to me. Yet, as I look back I see that grieving came naturally a few years ago. I wrote just the other day about our "baby", Payson. The entire grieving process just flowed naturally. I've even allowed myself to be sad, and cry and miss him over the years, even though he never really existed! With my mom is seems so weird. Where do I start? How do I do this?
Grace suggested doing something each year, either on her birthday or the day she died. Letting myself feel those emotions, which I have been fighting not to for way too many years! Back when I was seeing Joy I made a scrapbook of my mom. I rarely look at it is it still seems too hard most of the time. Now I have no clue what I should do or what I want to do...
As Grace was talking about doing something each year I all of a sudden remembered something from 4 years ago. It was my mom's birthday, Em was 1 1/2 at the time and I decided to do something for my mom's birthday. Em and I made cupcakes, one of the things I remember most about my mom was she loved baking cookies. I remember sitting on the floor stirring bowls of cookie dough. Anyways, I also sat down with Em and showed her the scrapbook of my mom. It has been the only time I've ever done something like that. What makes that so significant? I found out almost a year later that the same day that Em and I celebrated my mom's birthday little did I know, but my son was being born!
We got Brax on the 3rd and were told her had turned 1 on the 2nd. That night Brad was at work, the kids were asleep and I looked through all his info. I was completely shocked as I looked down and saw his birthday was not the 2nd, but the 13th, my mom's birthday! The second I saw that he was born on her birthday I knew without a doubt that we would end up adopting him. I also knew that I wanted to name him after her. Her name was Donlyn and we knew we wanted to incorporate Don into this little boy's name somehow. We discussed so many names, Camdon, Haydon, Paxdon... One night I mentioned this to my friend about how we were having a hard time coming up with our son's name. About 30 minutes later, out of the blue she says, "Braxton, but d-o-n!" Brad wasn't paying attention when I mentioned it to him right then, but the next day I mentioned it again and he loved it!
Another interesting Mom fact- I got endowed on her birthday. It was not planned at first, but just how it happened. Brad and I were getting married on the 14th, I figured I'd get endowed a week earlier. Well, my mother-in-law really wanted to be there and lived 300 miles away at the time. She asked if I could wait and get endowed on a day that she would be there, AKA the day before the wedding on the 13th!
Another interesting thing we discussed was how I'm a "high functioning depressive". I know at times I mask the depression, but I didn't realize how much I was. Even at my lowest lows I can pass as, and even convince myself I am, normal. Even in this deep, thick fog of depression it's so normal for me I hardly even think anyhing about it at this point.
After I got home I realized that I have been fighting this grieving process for nearly 24 years. Anytime those emotions try to come out I just push them back down. No wonder this deep depression keeps coming back year after year!
I am glad that Grace also brought up the fact that no matter the time of year, my depression is still there and I will still need to deal with that and stay on my medication.
This song, Just Let Me Cry, has been stuck in my head all day. Especially this part: "But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected And we're forced to face our deepest pain When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger" - and what I need to learn to do- "And there's nothing I can do but let it out"
It wasn't that hard for me to tell Grace that I pinpointed what was bringing on my depression. Explained what it was, that was the hard part. I sit here and say I'm so much more open then when I was seeing Joy, yet open for me is probably another person's closed up! I do eventually open up, it just takes a little time.
Even though I talked about my mom's death with James we mainly focused on my feelings after her death about the adoption.
I've known for years that I just numbed my feelings and emotions completely after her death. Growing up it was shameful simply to cry. After my Grandpa got home the day my mom died for 1 split second I found it okay to cry and feel sad. Today after relaying the story to Grace she asked how I was feeling right then, numb. I still do it! When those feelings and emotions get too strong I just numb them! The one emotion I remember, other than feeling sad for about 30 seconds, is numb.
It has been weird to think about being able to grieve. In my family you simply forget it ever happened, move on with your life and if it pops up again just shove it all down! Here I am 24 years later just now realized that I need to! Grieving is a negative thing in my family, you don't grieve you forget! One of my thoughts today was, "Really, so is not shameful to actually cry about it, or be sad, or let it actually make me sad each year? That is okay?"
Grieving her death seems so foreign to me. Yet, as I look back I see that grieving came naturally a few years ago. I wrote just the other day about our "baby", Payson. The entire grieving process just flowed naturally. I've even allowed myself to be sad, and cry and miss him over the years, even though he never really existed! With my mom is seems so weird. Where do I start? How do I do this?
Grace suggested doing something each year, either on her birthday or the day she died. Letting myself feel those emotions, which I have been fighting not to for way too many years! Back when I was seeing Joy I made a scrapbook of my mom. I rarely look at it is it still seems too hard most of the time. Now I have no clue what I should do or what I want to do...
As Grace was talking about doing something each year I all of a sudden remembered something from 4 years ago. It was my mom's birthday, Em was 1 1/2 at the time and I decided to do something for my mom's birthday. Em and I made cupcakes, one of the things I remember most about my mom was she loved baking cookies. I remember sitting on the floor stirring bowls of cookie dough. Anyways, I also sat down with Em and showed her the scrapbook of my mom. It has been the only time I've ever done something like that. What makes that so significant? I found out almost a year later that the same day that Em and I celebrated my mom's birthday little did I know, but my son was being born!
We got Brax on the 3rd and were told her had turned 1 on the 2nd. That night Brad was at work, the kids were asleep and I looked through all his info. I was completely shocked as I looked down and saw his birthday was not the 2nd, but the 13th, my mom's birthday! The second I saw that he was born on her birthday I knew without a doubt that we would end up adopting him. I also knew that I wanted to name him after her. Her name was Donlyn and we knew we wanted to incorporate Don into this little boy's name somehow. We discussed so many names, Camdon, Haydon, Paxdon... One night I mentioned this to my friend about how we were having a hard time coming up with our son's name. About 30 minutes later, out of the blue she says, "Braxton, but d-o-n!" Brad wasn't paying attention when I mentioned it to him right then, but the next day I mentioned it again and he loved it!
Another interesting thing we discussed was how I'm a "high functioning depressive". I know at times I mask the depression, but I didn't realize how much I was. Even at my lowest lows I can pass as, and even convince myself I am, normal. Even in this deep, thick fog of depression it's so normal for me I hardly even think anyhing about it at this point.
After I got home I realized that I have been fighting this grieving process for nearly 24 years. Anytime those emotions try to come out I just push them back down. No wonder this deep depression keeps coming back year after year!
I am glad that Grace also brought up the fact that no matter the time of year, my depression is still there and I will still need to deal with that and stay on my medication.
This song, Just Let Me Cry, has been stuck in my head all day. Especially this part: "But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected And we're forced to face our deepest pain When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger" - and what I need to learn to do- "And there's nothing I can do but let it out"
Thursday, November 5, 2015
11/5/15
I have my next appointment with Grace in 12 hours. Even though I realized what is triggering my depression this time of year almost a week ago I think it just now hit me. All I can think it, I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to go there. Can't I just ignore it? Please don't make me talk about it.
It doesn't help that today has been rough. I don't know if I just woke up in a bad mood or what. By lunchtime I was reaching my breaking point. I was able to take a step back and think, okay I'm spiraling down to rock bottom, what do I do? Grace and I talked about this last time that I needed to talk to someone when I hit this point. I don't have to talk about how I'm feeling or the depression, just simply talk to someone. I hate talking to people on the phone, I really do. So I texted Hayley. I wasn't sure if she would be at work or busy with her kids. I sent her a message and tried to go on with my day.
Everything seemed to be going wrong. The kids spent 3 hours asking me if they could have a cookie, each time I told them no. I needed to force some food into me, maybe I would feel better then. I burnt my lunch. Then when I re-did it I was too nauseous to eat it anyways. After I dropped Em of at school I couldn't help but think, "I can't do this." Finally I grabbed my phone again, this time I was going to actually call my mother-in-law. I looked at my phone to call her and noticed I had a text from Hayley. We texted back and forth throughout the afternoon. Just seeing that she had texted me back and then responding to her message distracted me from my "I can't do this" thoughts.
The time I was texting Hayley and the next few hours I was doing okay. Once I got Em from school I started sliding back down again. I have really struggled with my calling at church. I am a Cub Scout leader and for some reason I find it so overwhelming! My kids were yet again fighting and I was stressing about scouts. I was in my office putting an activity together when I looked down at the xacto knife in my hand and for a split second I thought "cut". I set it down and went to get my phone to call Brad. When I picked it up I noticed that Hayley had texted me about 30 minutes earlier. I got wrapped up in talking to her again and by the time we were done I felt fine again!
It doesn't help that today has been rough. I don't know if I just woke up in a bad mood or what. By lunchtime I was reaching my breaking point. I was able to take a step back and think, okay I'm spiraling down to rock bottom, what do I do? Grace and I talked about this last time that I needed to talk to someone when I hit this point. I don't have to talk about how I'm feeling or the depression, just simply talk to someone. I hate talking to people on the phone, I really do. So I texted Hayley. I wasn't sure if she would be at work or busy with her kids. I sent her a message and tried to go on with my day.
Everything seemed to be going wrong. The kids spent 3 hours asking me if they could have a cookie, each time I told them no. I needed to force some food into me, maybe I would feel better then. I burnt my lunch. Then when I re-did it I was too nauseous to eat it anyways. After I dropped Em of at school I couldn't help but think, "I can't do this." Finally I grabbed my phone again, this time I was going to actually call my mother-in-law. I looked at my phone to call her and noticed I had a text from Hayley. We texted back and forth throughout the afternoon. Just seeing that she had texted me back and then responding to her message distracted me from my "I can't do this" thoughts.
The time I was texting Hayley and the next few hours I was doing okay. Once I got Em from school I started sliding back down again. I have really struggled with my calling at church. I am a Cub Scout leader and for some reason I find it so overwhelming! My kids were yet again fighting and I was stressing about scouts. I was in my office putting an activity together when I looked down at the xacto knife in my hand and for a split second I thought "cut". I set it down and went to get my phone to call Brad. When I picked it up I noticed that Hayley had texted me about 30 minutes earlier. I got wrapped up in talking to her again and by the time we were done I felt fine again!
Monday, November 2, 2015
11/2/15
During a trip to my grandparents I had something for Hayley. Of course we are in town and they are out of town. She told me to drop it off at her parents house. A few of the items were a surprise for her dad, so I found an envelope and sealed everything in there. I made sure to write To Hayley From Dawn so they wouldn't open it. As I looked at the envelope it flashed me back to when we were 18.
The Envelope... I don't remember how it started but Hayley and I had this envelope that we sent back and forth to each other. I honestly can not remember what I ever sent her. I still have some of the things she sent me. The one thing I will never forget is the "heart attack". I posted about that here too.
And this post, here, about our Happy Nothing Day.
Looking back on my teenage years with Hayley I realized, our friendship and life as teenagers together was amazing! We never do anything illegal, we found pleasure having fun doing simple things! The friendship we had and the things we did helped counterbalance the struggles at home.
As we drove home I thought about some of the fun and crazy things we did.
I can't remember if someone told us about this or if we made it up, but one of my favorite things to was play "Kick Off". We would swing at the park, kick our shoes off to see who's went the farthest. Loser had to get the shoes.
The funniest thing I think we ever did- we dared our friend "Toby" to ask people (strangers) for a piece of gum. As we drove around he would ask people on the sidewalk when we stopped at a light. He had to of asked nearly 50 people, if not more. As we were starting to give up and on our way home someone finally gave him one! Maybe it is one of those things that you had to been there, but the way he asked and people's reactions were hysterical!
It amazes me how we have stayed close over the years, even through all the fights and arguments we had! For a while we didn't talk much just because we had 2 different lives. We lived 600 miles apart, I was married with a kid while she was single. Now we are both married with kids and live closer together then we have in 13 years! We see each other as often as we can and our husbands are also great friends.
Coincidentally we were driving home Hayley texted me saying they were going to be passing through our town on their way home around the same time we were going to be getting home!
The Envelope... I don't remember how it started but Hayley and I had this envelope that we sent back and forth to each other. I honestly can not remember what I ever sent her. I still have some of the things she sent me. The one thing I will never forget is the "heart attack". I posted about that here too.
And this post, here, about our Happy Nothing Day.
Looking back on my teenage years with Hayley I realized, our friendship and life as teenagers together was amazing! We never do anything illegal, we found pleasure having fun doing simple things! The friendship we had and the things we did helped counterbalance the struggles at home.
As we drove home I thought about some of the fun and crazy things we did.
I can't remember if someone told us about this or if we made it up, but one of my favorite things to was play "Kick Off". We would swing at the park, kick our shoes off to see who's went the farthest. Loser had to get the shoes.
The funniest thing I think we ever did- we dared our friend "Toby" to ask people (strangers) for a piece of gum. As we drove around he would ask people on the sidewalk when we stopped at a light. He had to of asked nearly 50 people, if not more. As we were starting to give up and on our way home someone finally gave him one! Maybe it is one of those things that you had to been there, but the way he asked and people's reactions were hysterical!
It amazes me how we have stayed close over the years, even through all the fights and arguments we had! For a while we didn't talk much just because we had 2 different lives. We lived 600 miles apart, I was married with a kid while she was single. Now we are both married with kids and live closer together then we have in 13 years! We see each other as often as we can and our husbands are also great friends.
Coincidentally we were driving home Hayley texted me saying they were going to be passing through our town on their way home around the same time we were going to be getting home!
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Dear Grandpa,
Dear Grandpa,
I feel like I have done this so many times. Every few years I find myself back in counseling and every single time you come up. The things you said to me over 15 years ago hurt me deeply that they still affect me today. How could you do that to your own child? I don't feel like a perfect parent, at times I don't even feel like a good parent, but I would never tell my children the things you told me.
Things you called me: so many swear words I'm not even going to list them all, worthless, unchristian, ungrateful, selfish, lazy, stuck up, brat, greedy, fat, was going to go to hell, I could never do anything good enough for you and constantly accused of taking drugs (cocaine).
It is sad that 10 years after I moved out of your house you were still scapegoating all your problems onto me. Why me? Why not someone else? Is it because of what I have done? The most painful thing you said to me was when you not once, but twice blamed me for being the reason you wouldn't get baptized. I'm not sure what that has been so painful to me, but it has. Even though you have been baptized now, that still hurts.
Sometimes when I look at you I wonder what you see when you look at me. Do you still view me as the person that ruined your family? Do you still think I'm evil? All I was doing was just trying to cope. It's ironic that the reason you thought I was evil was because I was trying to cope with the evil things you said to me. You couldn't look past my problem to see my pain and my hurt and a girl just trying to survive.
When mom first told me you were going to be getting endowed at first I was okay. I really was. Then, in her controlling tone, she told me I HAD to be there everything came crashing down. Ever since then every time I see you or think about you all I can see are the words, the names, the lies you told me. The ones that to this day I'm still trying to convince myself are not true.
I wish I can understand why you did what you did. Why you felt the need to tear me down so much that at times I didn't think I could keep going.
I don't like that fact that I have to hide the sexual abuse that happened to me from you. When I told mom she told me you can't know, you can't handle it. I am very open about everything I have been through throughout my life, so keeping this secret from you has been had. I wish you could know. Not that it would change anything or I want you to do something about it, simply because I just want you to know.
When you are sober I can actually see the dad I used to have. Back before the abuse started we were best friends. I think that has been one of the hardest things for me is remembering how things were. You never called me by my name, I was always Pal. I loved that. I was your Pal and you were mine. We spent to much time together. You were my favorite person to be around. Now your the person I resent the most. It breaks my heart to even think about the difference in you from the time I was 9 to when I was 19. You went from being this amazing, fun loving guy, who loved spending time with his family to this bitter, angry, raging alcoholic that is too busy working at the garden to spend time with his family.
From what I have read in my mom's journals it seemed to me that you were verbally abusive to her too. She talked about how you weren't there for you and you were hardly even a dad to her. Why do I feel like I'm the only one in the family that will admit 1) that you are abusive and 2) that you are an alcoholic. The more you drink, the nastier you get, but no one sees that besides me.
I feel:
Betrayed by who used to be my best friend
Hurt and angry at you for all the abuse
Unprotected and abandoned by my own parents
Alone in my feelings, like I can't be allowed to be un-happy about things (baptism and endowment) because everyone else is happy.
Sad that I can't have my old dad back
Mad that my privacy is constantly being violated. Even at 30, you feel the need to look through my stuff!
At times I try to remind myself that you must have been abused too. Not only have you been so verbally abusive, but your sister has too. It has taken me years to even talk to her again. It is sad to wonder how many generations the abuse has been going on for? It is sad that I know at least 1 of your 3 sons has continued to cycle of abuse. Even though you view it as this evil, horrible thing I have done, I for one an thankful I started cutting. That was my turning point. That was the reason Bishop M sent me to counseling and because of that I am where I am today. Even though at times I still feel hurt by what you did, at the same time I am almost grateful for it. I love the person I have become because of everything negative that has happened in my life.
When you got baptized, it was so hard for me. I wanted so bad to be able to forgive you. I felt like I needed to fully forgive you before I could accept you getting baptized. The day you were baptized I wasn't 100% there, I wasn't even close. But then, the second you went under the water a wave of forgiveness for you washed over me. Over the last few years I have allowed some of my old hurts to sneak back up on me. I have once again been struggling with the idea of you getting endowed, especially the thought of being in the prayer circle with you. For me I take church things very seriously. The church has been my rock over the years. The one stable thing in my life. The one thing that didn't hurt or betray me. So it has been really hard for me to even think about being in the prayer circle with you. I just couldn't do it.
Tonight as I was writing how grateful I am for the abuse and how it made me who I am today, I couldn't help but let go of a lot of my negative feelings for you. Yes, what you did hurt me deeply, but because of it I am who I am today. I love the person I've become. I can't stop saying it, and laughing at the irony, I love the person I am today because of the abuse, so for that I am grateful that you did and said everything you did. I can't stop laughing and smiling about the fact that I am grateful you abused me. I finally feel ready to let go of the hurt I've been holding on to!
I feel like I have done this so many times. Every few years I find myself back in counseling and every single time you come up. The things you said to me over 15 years ago hurt me deeply that they still affect me today. How could you do that to your own child? I don't feel like a perfect parent, at times I don't even feel like a good parent, but I would never tell my children the things you told me.
Things you called me: so many swear words I'm not even going to list them all, worthless, unchristian, ungrateful, selfish, lazy, stuck up, brat, greedy, fat, was going to go to hell, I could never do anything good enough for you and constantly accused of taking drugs (cocaine).
It is sad that 10 years after I moved out of your house you were still scapegoating all your problems onto me. Why me? Why not someone else? Is it because of what I have done? The most painful thing you said to me was when you not once, but twice blamed me for being the reason you wouldn't get baptized. I'm not sure what that has been so painful to me, but it has. Even though you have been baptized now, that still hurts.
Sometimes when I look at you I wonder what you see when you look at me. Do you still view me as the person that ruined your family? Do you still think I'm evil? All I was doing was just trying to cope. It's ironic that the reason you thought I was evil was because I was trying to cope with the evil things you said to me. You couldn't look past my problem to see my pain and my hurt and a girl just trying to survive.
When mom first told me you were going to be getting endowed at first I was okay. I really was. Then, in her controlling tone, she told me I HAD to be there everything came crashing down. Ever since then every time I see you or think about you all I can see are the words, the names, the lies you told me. The ones that to this day I'm still trying to convince myself are not true.
I wish I can understand why you did what you did. Why you felt the need to tear me down so much that at times I didn't think I could keep going.
I don't like that fact that I have to hide the sexual abuse that happened to me from you. When I told mom she told me you can't know, you can't handle it. I am very open about everything I have been through throughout my life, so keeping this secret from you has been had. I wish you could know. Not that it would change anything or I want you to do something about it, simply because I just want you to know.
When you are sober I can actually see the dad I used to have. Back before the abuse started we were best friends. I think that has been one of the hardest things for me is remembering how things were. You never called me by my name, I was always Pal. I loved that. I was your Pal and you were mine. We spent to much time together. You were my favorite person to be around. Now your the person I resent the most. It breaks my heart to even think about the difference in you from the time I was 9 to when I was 19. You went from being this amazing, fun loving guy, who loved spending time with his family to this bitter, angry, raging alcoholic that is too busy working at the garden to spend time with his family.
From what I have read in my mom's journals it seemed to me that you were verbally abusive to her too. She talked about how you weren't there for you and you were hardly even a dad to her. Why do I feel like I'm the only one in the family that will admit 1) that you are abusive and 2) that you are an alcoholic. The more you drink, the nastier you get, but no one sees that besides me.
I feel:
Betrayed by who used to be my best friend
Hurt and angry at you for all the abuse
Unprotected and abandoned by my own parents
Alone in my feelings, like I can't be allowed to be un-happy about things (baptism and endowment) because everyone else is happy.
Sad that I can't have my old dad back
Mad that my privacy is constantly being violated. Even at 30, you feel the need to look through my stuff!
At times I try to remind myself that you must have been abused too. Not only have you been so verbally abusive, but your sister has too. It has taken me years to even talk to her again. It is sad to wonder how many generations the abuse has been going on for? It is sad that I know at least 1 of your 3 sons has continued to cycle of abuse. Even though you view it as this evil, horrible thing I have done, I for one an thankful I started cutting. That was my turning point. That was the reason Bishop M sent me to counseling and because of that I am where I am today. Even though at times I still feel hurt by what you did, at the same time I am almost grateful for it. I love the person I have become because of everything negative that has happened in my life.
When you got baptized, it was so hard for me. I wanted so bad to be able to forgive you. I felt like I needed to fully forgive you before I could accept you getting baptized. The day you were baptized I wasn't 100% there, I wasn't even close. But then, the second you went under the water a wave of forgiveness for you washed over me. Over the last few years I have allowed some of my old hurts to sneak back up on me. I have once again been struggling with the idea of you getting endowed, especially the thought of being in the prayer circle with you. For me I take church things very seriously. The church has been my rock over the years. The one stable thing in my life. The one thing that didn't hurt or betray me. So it has been really hard for me to even think about being in the prayer circle with you. I just couldn't do it.
Tonight as I was writing how grateful I am for the abuse and how it made me who I am today, I couldn't help but let go of a lot of my negative feelings for you. Yes, what you did hurt me deeply, but because of it I am who I am today. I love the person I've become. I can't stop saying it, and laughing at the irony, I love the person I am today because of the abuse, so for that I am grateful that you did and said everything you did. I can't stop laughing and smiling about the fact that I am grateful you abused me. I finally feel ready to let go of the hurt I've been holding on to!
Saturday, October 31, 2015
10/31/15
As I was trying to fall asleep all of a sudden I started thinking about my mom's death. I realized that the date that she died on is 6 weeks away. I always struggle in the days leading up to that date. The day before and the day of I feel like everything makes me mad. Everything irritates me. I'm snippy, mad and angry. It took me a few years to figure out why I felt like that on that particular day. I didn't even realized what date it was or why I felt so mad for years.
Now each year I knows it coming. I try to convince myself that this year would be different. This year I won't be so mad and angry. Yet, year after year I am.
I am realizing that even though I've dealt with her death in counseling, and I'm pretty sure I've been in counseling on the anniversary of her death, I don't think I've ever faced the fact that I struggle so much on that day. Maybe here is my chance to do something about it.
As I have been writing I had noticed a pattern with the depression, this is the third time that I can pinpoint that I've been hit hard with the depression this time of year! Could it be that it is connected with her death? That my body just knows the anniversary of her death is coming so it shuts down like this?
I've looked back at journal entries to see if this theory is true. Get this:
2003, Oct- struggling with depression
I don't have much written for the next several years
2008, Dec- struggle with depression
2009, Oct and Nov- I didn't journal about a struggle with it, but I posted a lot of things about depression.
2012, Nov- I am pretty sure this was one of the years I remember it hitting me hard
2013, Nov- Again I didn't journal about it, but posted a lot about depression.
2014, Oct- struggling with depression
2015, Oct- struggling with depression
As I am realizing this I am shocked. How did I not notice this before? It makes so much sense!
I thought I had posted on here the story of her death, but I don't see it. I know I've written it down several times before, just not on here. I was planning on writing it, but now that I'm actually getting to that I am feel so self concious about it! Maybe another day.
I've had a day to let things sink in. As I was telling Brad my theory he asked if maybe I was thinking about my mom's death and thinking about it was bringin on the depression. I told him no I didn't think so. I thought about it later and came to the same conclusion. The depression hit hard 2 weeks ago and my mom's death never crossed my mind until last night. It seems so crazy to me that this pattern has been going on for so long and I'm just now realizing it. I went back through my journal entries from 2003. I went from June to October 25th without cutting, yet again at the end of October the depression was bad enough that I started cutting again!
Now that I think that this has to do with my depression it has brought on all this anxiety! I feel like my heart is racing all the time, along with my mind. It's like my body is completely freaking out with the thought of having to deal with my mom's death again. I'm sure my anxiety about dealing with it again is a sign that I really do need to!
I feel like the depression is getting worse each year, maybe it is just me now realizing it. Maybe it's the fact that I'm almost the same age she was when she died and Em is almost the same age I was when my mom died! It is crazy to think that in 2 1/2 years I will be the same age she was, Em will be the same age my sister was and Brax will be the same age I was when she died!
Now each year I knows it coming. I try to convince myself that this year would be different. This year I won't be so mad and angry. Yet, year after year I am.
I am realizing that even though I've dealt with her death in counseling, and I'm pretty sure I've been in counseling on the anniversary of her death, I don't think I've ever faced the fact that I struggle so much on that day. Maybe here is my chance to do something about it.
As I have been writing I had noticed a pattern with the depression, this is the third time that I can pinpoint that I've been hit hard with the depression this time of year! Could it be that it is connected with her death? That my body just knows the anniversary of her death is coming so it shuts down like this?
I've looked back at journal entries to see if this theory is true. Get this:
2003, Oct- struggling with depression
I don't have much written for the next several years
2008, Dec- struggle with depression
2009, Oct and Nov- I didn't journal about a struggle with it, but I posted a lot of things about depression.
2012, Nov- I am pretty sure this was one of the years I remember it hitting me hard
2013, Nov- Again I didn't journal about it, but posted a lot about depression.
2014, Oct- struggling with depression
2015, Oct- struggling with depression
As I am realizing this I am shocked. How did I not notice this before? It makes so much sense!
I thought I had posted on here the story of her death, but I don't see it. I know I've written it down several times before, just not on here. I was planning on writing it, but now that I'm actually getting to that I am feel so self concious about it! Maybe another day.
I've had a day to let things sink in. As I was telling Brad my theory he asked if maybe I was thinking about my mom's death and thinking about it was bringin on the depression. I told him no I didn't think so. I thought about it later and came to the same conclusion. The depression hit hard 2 weeks ago and my mom's death never crossed my mind until last night. It seems so crazy to me that this pattern has been going on for so long and I'm just now realizing it. I went back through my journal entries from 2003. I went from June to October 25th without cutting, yet again at the end of October the depression was bad enough that I started cutting again!
Now that I think that this has to do with my depression it has brought on all this anxiety! I feel like my heart is racing all the time, along with my mind. It's like my body is completely freaking out with the thought of having to deal with my mom's death again. I'm sure my anxiety about dealing with it again is a sign that I really do need to!
I feel like the depression is getting worse each year, maybe it is just me now realizing it. Maybe it's the fact that I'm almost the same age she was when she died and Em is almost the same age I was when my mom died! It is crazy to think that in 2 1/2 years I will be the same age she was, Em will be the same age my sister was and Brax will be the same age I was when she died!
Friday, October 30, 2015
10/30/15
One thing that Grace asked me if I did was keep track of the depression up and downs. I have/ did when I was on Prozac and CeleXa, but haven't while on Wellbutrin. I figured it was time to jot these things down.
I came up with this for my ups and downs for while I've been on Wellbutrin, which I started in June.
I came up with this for my ups and downs for while I've been on Wellbutrin, which I started in June.
My depression has always been so up and down! I remember being at rock bottom in 2001. I was able to pull myself out of it after my uncle died and make my way up to maybe 50% for a while. 2003 I was pretty close to rock bottom for almost a year. After moving out I felt fine for a long time, fine for me is probably a normal person's 50%. In 2008 I once again spend quite a while near rock bottom. I went back to feeling fine for a few years. I remember it hitting me again 2012 and being pretty off and on since then!
Something else she had me do I was a Lifestyle Behaviors Questionnaire. It was interesting to see where I am at, where I struggle, and see what I could work on.
Negative behaviors I struggle with:
* Under eat- I almost forget this exists because it is so normal for me! After filling out the questionnaire yesterday I was really observant of my eating habits today. Breakfast- nothing. Snack- Fruit Snacks. Lunch- I eat a teeny tiny portion of food that I love and said, "I'm full." I really thought hard and realized, I'm not full, I'm simply tired of eating so I stopped. Dinner- I feel like I eat a normal amount. Just now I eat maybe 5 sweetarts. That's it. That is everything I eat today and that is a normal day!
* Watch too much TV (more than 3-4 hours a day). If I don't watch any TV during the day, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't, just at night I watch about 5 hours. I spend 95% of my day either on the computer, watching tv, or doing something on my phone, if not all three at once!
* Withdraw from people. When the depression is bad I don't want anything to do with interacting with other people! It is even hard for me to open up to Brad.
10/30/15
I kept having these thought in the days leading up to my appointment with Grace. I started questioning how well things were going with her. I even mentioned this to Brad and he said, "I thought things were going really well?". I kept thinking things like- things are going nowhere, it wasn't helping at all, maybe I should just give up on trying counseling for the depression all together, no one can really help me. I just now figured out why I was having these thought, the depression. It is crazy how it makes everything negative, dark, and hopeless. In reality I don't feel like that at all.
So often I feel like I can mask the depression. Even if I'm at rock bottom, I try my hardest not to show it. I'm sure most people in my life can't even tell the difference. To prove my irrational thoughts were wrong I kept thinking, I need Grace to see the difference in me. I told myself I'm not going to mask this right now. I need to face this. When I was seeing Joy over the summer I noticed that when I was in that deep depression I was much more timid and it is a lot harder to get me to open up. I was definitely feeling that way today.
Yesterday Em's best friend's mom asked if I could watch her son. I told her I could, after all she said she would done around 12. That left 40 minutes until I needed to take Em to school, Brax to the sitter and then off to Grace's. As it passed 12:10 I was starting to feel more and more anxious. I have crazy/extreme anxiety about being late. The closer and closer it got to 12:30 I grew more and more anxious. I started pacing around the living room. My stomach started churning. Then my alarm went off to remind me it was time to take Em to school. At this point I was in a full blown anxiety attack! My heart was racing and I was so sick to my stomach I thought I was going to throw up. All I could think was, I'm going to be late to drop Em off at school, then I'll be late dropping Brax off to be baby-sat and worse of all, I will be late to my appointment with Grace. I kept trying to remind myself that it wasn't the end of the world if I was late. That didn't work at all! I thought for sure I was going to lose my mind waiting for her to show up. I didn't have her cell phone number so I couldn't get ahold of her to find out what was going on. I even went through all our Facebook messages to see if she ever gave it to me, no. It got to the point that in 4 minutes I would actually be late for everything and she finally got there! You'd think her getting there to pick her son up would stop my anxiety attack, nope. It wasn't until I sitting in the lobby waiting for my appointment, with 3 minutes to spare, that I started feeling better!
I mentioned before I went in there trying for once not to mask the depression. One of the first things Grace said was I wasn't acting like myself and asked what was going on. I told her about how bad the depression has been and how I've been stuck there in this deep depression.
I don't even know where to start or how to describe how things went.
I realized that the thoughts I had a few days ago were the complete opposite of I really feel. Stupid depression!
As I was leaving Grace said something that reminded me of Sister Parker, it made me smile. At the same time I thought, "I haven't had to 'fight' anything since I moved out!" I was in this constant battle to not give in to the abuse. It could have been easy for me to stop fighting it, start believing everything he said and not let it hurt anymore. Fighting so much inner turmoil and negativity can be exhausting! I know it is going to be worth it and that I will be able to fight it.
I don't even know where to start or how to describe how things went.
I realized that the thoughts I had a few days ago were the complete opposite of I really feel. Stupid depression!
As I was leaving Grace said something that reminded me of Sister Parker, it made me smile. At the same time I thought, "I haven't had to 'fight' anything since I moved out!" I was in this constant battle to not give in to the abuse. It could have been easy for me to stop fighting it, start believing everything he said and not let it hurt anymore. Fighting so much inner turmoil and negativity can be exhausting! I know it is going to be worth it and that I will be able to fight it.
Grace asked how I have handled the depression in the past. It was easy, I let it take over! I didn't fight it, then again when you aren't acknowledging it, it is hard to fight it. When we owned our house the depression was at it's worse. I slept all day, when I was awake I spent all my time either watching tv, playing on the Wii or on the computer, I withdrew from everyone and had a hard time believing the future could get better.
On my way home and as I waited for Brax at the baby-sitter's (she had to go get her son and didn't get back to her house until an hour later!) I listened to 3 songs over and over again. They summed up how I was feeling and what I needed to remind myself. Even when you're broken, Try and Fight Song.
We've had this thick fog on the edge of town the past few days. Maybe it is because the fog reminded me of how I had been feeling over the past few weeks, but I was loving it. On my way to pick up Brax I went home and grabbed my camera. Once Em was out of school we went up where the fog was thicker to take pictures.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Everyone faces trials
Today in Relief Society I realized I don't make comments in class anymore. For a long time I never did. As I got older the more I opened myself up I found that it was okay. There was no right or wrong comment. People weren't going to reject me for saying something. It got to the point that I even found myself making comments without freaking myself out about it first. It came naturally and easily.
Today as I sat there thinking, I want to, but I was too nervous to and never did, I realized why. There have been a few times over the past few years where my comments were met with negativity. The first time after making a comment the person teaching the lesson told me, it was wrong, it wasn't the comment she was looking for. I wasn't trying to answer a question, I was just expressing my thoughts and feelings. The last time I remember saying anything there was another negative response, so I stopped.
I have such a deep fear of rejection and people hating me. I found that if I don't open myself up I'm safe. I can't be rejected if I don't say anything. People won't hate me if I just sit there quietly.
What am I thankful for today:
I got new boots yesterday. Might sound silly, but we never spend much money on clothes so splurging and getting these boots was a big deal!
I love crafting, it makes me happy. Last night my husband watched a hockey game followed by a football game. By this point I was pretty board and decided to make a project I wanted for when we moved. 1 project became 4! I have a love/ hate relationship for when I start making things when we are moving. I love it, but it makes me even more anxious to move and decorate! 5 weeks to go and I still need to pack up 98% of my house!
Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease, by Elder David A. Bednar
Friday, October 23, 2015
10/23/15
It was something that Joy and I once discussed. We talked about it briefly, but only seeing her 3 times we didn't do a lot... I have no friends, no one I hang out with, no one I talk to, no one except Brad.
During our second session she wanted me to set up a playgroup for the summer and try to get out there socially. It failed miserably! I set it up, invited all the moms from my daughter's preschool and all the moms at church. No one came. Ever. Half way through the summer I gave up. It only made me feel even worse about myself sitting at these play groups all alone.
With my depression one of the things I tend to do is isolate myself. At church during Relief Society I usually find a spot in the far back corner, as far away from others as I could possibly get. Last Sunday I thought, I need to get out of this anti-social thing, it's not healthy.
As Relief Society stated I sat on the end of a row that usually fills up fast. As others came in they all went past me, sitting as far away from as possible until the only empty seat was the one next to me. I couldn't help but think, is there something wrong with me? Do I smell? Is there something fundamentally unlikable about me? The seat next to me remained empty for over half the meeting. By that time it was one of a few empty chairs.
I feel like it is happening again today. My kids wanted to go to the park. Even though it's maybe 50 degrees out and I hate the cold, I took them. I sat alone on a bench watching my kids play. I didn't expect to sit next to or talk to anyone. A few minutes after getting there another lady from my ward got there with her kid. This was a lady I actually know. I was her son's primary teacher, we were visiting teaching partners for years and we have kids the same exact ages. She said hi and we talked for about 30 seconds before she went off and sat on a different bench with someone else. I sat there alone wondering, is it really just me who is convicted people don't like me or is it actually true? I mean how hard is it to say, "I'm going to go sit with one of my friends, want to join us? ". So I'm sitting here alone, freezing, watching my kids play. They had fun, so it was worth it.
It's hard not to get inside your own head. I'm sure not everyone doesn't like me. I'm sure there are some people who don't like me. That is just life. It's hard to try to convince yourself it's not true when all the signs point to it is.
Being alone is safe. No one can hurt me or reject me. It's comfortable. It's easy. At the same time it is lonely.
Being alone is safe. No one can hurt me or reject me. It's comfortable. It's easy. At the same time it is lonely.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
10/20/15
The past few days have been filled with so many ups and downs. My emotions have been all over the place. Usually something happens to trigger this. This time it came out of nowhere.
Trying to find the right anti-depressant medication that works best for me has been hard. For so long Prozac worked wonders. After some time it felt like it was less and less effective. The past 18 months I've been off and on so many different ones, okay, only 3. When I started Wellbutrin I had an extreme low the first week on it. Then I was fine. A month later I had to switch brands of Wellbutrin and again the first week on it I experienced that extreme low. For the most part it has been great.
2 months ago I felt like I had finally taken all of my doctors advice for how to deal with the depression. 1) Medication 2) Counseling 3) Exercise.
I have never felt better than I did when I was doing all three of these. After my surgery I couldn't exercise like I wanted it. After 3 weeks of not being able too I've been feeling more and more bogged down. Maybe it's my hormones being out of whack after the surgery, I don't know.
For the past 3 days I could feel the depression getting worse and worse. I have really been struggling with it. One of the things I can't stop thinking about was something Grace said last week. Maybe I need to talk to my doctor about adjusting my medication. I didn't think much of it at the time, it has been working so well! Grace also asked me when was the last time I read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk, "Like a Broken Vessel". I have read bits and pieces of it recently, but not the whole thing for a long time. She suggested I read it.
Tonight as I again have been struggling I decided to watch it on YouTube. I watched it back to back 3 times. It was what I have needed to hear for the past few days.
Things that stood out to me:
"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend"
"Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being... If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values."
"do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee."
I have been telling myself, 'One more month... give it one more month before going to a doctor about this. Maybe once I've gotten back to exercising I will feel better.' The past few days as I have thought about going back to my doctor to talk to him I have had this debating going on in my head, 'Do I see my regular physician that I've been seeing for the depression for almost 2 years now? Or, because I feel that my hormones are all out of whack since surgery and I feel it is effecting my depression should I talk to my OB about it?' After listening this this I feel like I need to talk to my regular physician, as I have mentioned before, is also a member of my Stake Presidency. Knowing my physician the way I do I feel more confident that he will know what is best for me.
Trying to find the right anti-depressant medication that works best for me has been hard. For so long Prozac worked wonders. After some time it felt like it was less and less effective. The past 18 months I've been off and on so many different ones, okay, only 3. When I started Wellbutrin I had an extreme low the first week on it. Then I was fine. A month later I had to switch brands of Wellbutrin and again the first week on it I experienced that extreme low. For the most part it has been great.
2 months ago I felt like I had finally taken all of my doctors advice for how to deal with the depression. 1) Medication 2) Counseling 3) Exercise.
I have never felt better than I did when I was doing all three of these. After my surgery I couldn't exercise like I wanted it. After 3 weeks of not being able too I've been feeling more and more bogged down. Maybe it's my hormones being out of whack after the surgery, I don't know.
For the past 3 days I could feel the depression getting worse and worse. I have really been struggling with it. One of the things I can't stop thinking about was something Grace said last week. Maybe I need to talk to my doctor about adjusting my medication. I didn't think much of it at the time, it has been working so well! Grace also asked me when was the last time I read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk, "Like a Broken Vessel". I have read bits and pieces of it recently, but not the whole thing for a long time. She suggested I read it.
Tonight as I again have been struggling I decided to watch it on YouTube. I watched it back to back 3 times. It was what I have needed to hear for the past few days.
Things that stood out to me:
"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend"
"Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being... If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values."
"do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee."
I have been telling myself, 'One more month... give it one more month before going to a doctor about this. Maybe once I've gotten back to exercising I will feel better.' The past few days as I have thought about going back to my doctor to talk to him I have had this debating going on in my head, 'Do I see my regular physician that I've been seeing for the depression for almost 2 years now? Or, because I feel that my hormones are all out of whack since surgery and I feel it is effecting my depression should I talk to my OB about it?' After listening this this I feel like I need to talk to my regular physician, as I have mentioned before, is also a member of my Stake Presidency. Knowing my physician the way I do I feel more confident that he will know what is best for me.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
10/17/15
We had to run to the store on our way to my Grandpa's birthday party. We went in, got what we needed and Brad kept going and looking at others things and was taking forever! We finally paid and were on our way out the doors when I noticed a man walking into the store right in front of us. I knew that I knew him right away, but it took a second to realized who it was... Bishop M.
We stopped to talk for a minute. He asked how I've been, really good. It's been many years since I have talked to him. He commented on how cute my kids are and it looked like things were going well for us. He again asked how things have been, great really great!
I told Brad what a crazy coincidence it was to run into him! A few days ago I realized I missed a bunch of journal entries to post on here from when he was my bishop and I started counseling. So just the other day as I was entering them in I was thinking about him.
It is kind of weird to think that essentially it was Bishop M who got me to where I am today! It felt so good to see him and be able to tell him that I am doing great! I wish I had time to tell him how drastically my life has changed in the past 12 years, how vital counseling has been in my life and everything else!
Many things had to happen when I was a teenager to bring me to a certain point to change. First, this day, that was the first time I opened up to him and started to trust him. Then this day when I started cutting, that day changed my whole life. When I told Hayley she told me I needed to tell Bishop M. Not only was she (still is) my best friend, we also grew up in the same ward and she had a closer relationship with Bishop M then I did, so she knew how important it was for me to talk to him. Of course when I did talk to him (here) he recommended counseling, which I eventually agreed to and it changed everything! I wouldn't be who I am today if I had not gone to counseling and he was the one who convinced me I needed to go!
We stopped to talk for a minute. He asked how I've been, really good. It's been many years since I have talked to him. He commented on how cute my kids are and it looked like things were going well for us. He again asked how things have been, great really great!
I told Brad what a crazy coincidence it was to run into him! A few days ago I realized I missed a bunch of journal entries to post on here from when he was my bishop and I started counseling. So just the other day as I was entering them in I was thinking about him.
It is kind of weird to think that essentially it was Bishop M who got me to where I am today! It felt so good to see him and be able to tell him that I am doing great! I wish I had time to tell him how drastically my life has changed in the past 12 years, how vital counseling has been in my life and everything else!
Many things had to happen when I was a teenager to bring me to a certain point to change. First, this day, that was the first time I opened up to him and started to trust him. Then this day when I started cutting, that day changed my whole life. When I told Hayley she told me I needed to tell Bishop M. Not only was she (still is) my best friend, we also grew up in the same ward and she had a closer relationship with Bishop M then I did, so she knew how important it was for me to talk to him. Of course when I did talk to him (here) he recommended counseling, which I eventually agreed to and it changed everything! I wouldn't be who I am today if I had not gone to counseling and he was the one who convinced me I needed to go!
Friday, October 16, 2015
10/16/15
A few weeks ago while writing about this I wrote, "I used to love photography. It was my life. I loved photographing nature. While on a vacation I took a picture of a water lily that was in this bucket, I think we were at a zoo. A month of so later I submitted this picture I took into this high school photography contest for our school district. The picture got 3rd place in it's category. It might not sounds like it was much, but it was a big deal. Want to know one of the main things I remember about that, Grandpa telling me, 'You should have picked that dead leaf off before taking the picture.'"
I started looking for the picture, but could not find it. Last night I really started looking, I searched everywhere. I even looked to see if I had the negative I could get developed, no luck. This morning a thought came to me, maybe I printed a copy of it when I was in college. I was a Photography major in college, all 1 semester of it! If I did then it would be in my binder all of the photos I printed. I pulled them out and started flipping through them, then I found it! It's exactly like I remember, except the original was in color. As I recall the lily was purple and that pedal touching the water, it was a little brown, barely a different color from the lily. I didn't find it distracting or ruining the picture, it was nature. That's the story of my life, I win 3rd place in this major photography contest and my Grandpa's response is, "You should have picked the dead pedal off."
Looking at this I keep thinking, that pedal gives it character. If I had picked it off, it would just be this lily floating in the water, no big deal. Maybe it's just me, but every time I look at it, my eye goes straight to the pedal, it makes it more unique to me. It makes the whole picture, this pedal bending down, touching the water.
11/5/15
I found it! Now that I see it in color I feel even more confused, it looks perfect to me...
Thursday, October 15, 2015
10/12/2015
Sometimes I wonder, maybe, just maybe because I don't like Grandpa I look for ways to prove I'm right. Maybe if I looked a little hard, dropped my judgement of him that he is this abusive jerk I might see the good in him.
Saturday I asked him a simple question, expecting a nice answer. Silly me, him be nice? Never, at least in his own home when others aren't around. Our family had just thrown him a birthday party. Everyone who lives in town came and we drove the 200 miles to be there. (okay, he wasn't the only reason why we went down. I mainly went to give my Grandma her ipad she forgot at my house because I didn't want to mail it and have something happen to it!) Back to Grandpa... It was a BIG birthday for him, he turned 80! There was dinner, cake, ice cream, presents, grandkids to play with. For some reason I thought, This was a nice party, who wouldn't enjoy it or appreciate it?
After we got back to their house I asked him, "Did you enjoy your party?". This was me trying to be friendly and not ignore him the whole time, trying to be positive and upbeat instead of looking for the negative. Grandpa, "Ehh. I mustered through with dealing with the family. At least the missionaries weren't there!" Seriously? I'm so glad I drove 200 miles to be with you when you had to muster through your party! I stood there and all I could think was, "He is such a jerk!" as I walked away.
I try with him, I really do, but I'm getting tired of trying when I know deep down it will get us nowhere!
I seriously want to say, "I give up!" I give up on even trying. I try to be nice, he's a jerk. Something never change.
Brad said something, which lead to us talking about Grandpa"s drinking. I asked him, "So, it's not just me that thinks he is still drinking and at times acts totally drunk? I'm not just seeing what I want to see?". Brad said he has seen it too and is convinced he still is. Heck, even Hayley once asked me if he was still drinking! I know, it's his problem. It's just sad is all. When he decided to get baptized and sobered up he was so nice. I had hope that things would change, which they didn't. Not long after his baptism he became rude again, which is what made us suspect he was drinking.
Saturday I asked him a simple question, expecting a nice answer. Silly me, him be nice? Never, at least in his own home when others aren't around. Our family had just thrown him a birthday party. Everyone who lives in town came and we drove the 200 miles to be there. (okay, he wasn't the only reason why we went down. I mainly went to give my Grandma her ipad she forgot at my house because I didn't want to mail it and have something happen to it!) Back to Grandpa... It was a BIG birthday for him, he turned 80! There was dinner, cake, ice cream, presents, grandkids to play with. For some reason I thought, This was a nice party, who wouldn't enjoy it or appreciate it?
After we got back to their house I asked him, "Did you enjoy your party?". This was me trying to be friendly and not ignore him the whole time, trying to be positive and upbeat instead of looking for the negative. Grandpa, "Ehh. I mustered through with dealing with the family. At least the missionaries weren't there!" Seriously? I'm so glad I drove 200 miles to be with you when you had to muster through your party! I stood there and all I could think was, "He is such a jerk!" as I walked away.
I try with him, I really do, but I'm getting tired of trying when I know deep down it will get us nowhere!
I seriously want to say, "I give up!" I give up on even trying. I try to be nice, he's a jerk. Something never change.
Brad said something, which lead to us talking about Grandpa"s drinking. I asked him, "So, it's not just me that thinks he is still drinking and at times acts totally drunk? I'm not just seeing what I want to see?". Brad said he has seen it too and is convinced he still is. Heck, even Hayley once asked me if he was still drinking! I know, it's his problem. It's just sad is all. When he decided to get baptized and sobered up he was so nice. I had hope that things would change, which they didn't. Not long after his baptism he became rude again, which is what made us suspect he was drinking.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
10/8/15
My medication (Wellbutrin) is working great. Now that I don't have to worry about my cycles anymore it so much less stress and I know it will no longer interfere with my meds.
Grace and I talked about where I was at and what we have or haven't talked about. She pulled out a handout and started talking about it.
As she started explaining it made me think of this experience (here). Yep, still hadn't talked to her about that. I just started bawling. When she was done she asked what brought on those strong emotions. I finally told her about my thoughts and feelings from that night 6 weeks ago. I also told her about (this) night. Other than my husband, I think Grace is the first person I've told about that night out loud. Writing is so easy for me I don't even count it anymore, opening up and saying things out loud is a lot harder.
We talked about a plan for what to do with these thoughts come up again and who I could talk to. Which brought us to talking about my husband. He is great and wonderful and fully supportive of my counseling and doing whatever I need to do to deal with things. However, I think it is hard for him to just be supportive. I have so many strong emotions all the time, I'm sure it can be overwhelming.
My hormones are all over the place right now. Last Thursday I called my husband freaking out and crying because I took the wrong pain pill! So today once I started crying I couldn't make it stop! I seriously have the hormones of a pregnant lady right now!
There are times it still surprises me how easy it to for me to feel, process, show, and share my feelings and emotions. It was so hard for me when I first started seeing Joy 12 years ago. I stuffed all my feelings along with numbing them.
As we talked about me dealing with these feelings she asked if my husband was open to coming with me sometime, which he is. We are trying to see if he can get off work for our (my) next appointment. As I was leaving, still crying by the way, Grace asked if I was okay. She felt like we were at their weird place where I was still crying and she was sending me out the door. I reassured her that I was fine, it is just my crazy hormones right now. Seriously they are crazy and they are driving me crazy! She also suggested that watch a short video with my husband. I'll post about it soon, I think it is pretty funny!
Grace and I talked about where I was at and what we have or haven't talked about. She pulled out a handout and started talking about it.
As she started explaining it made me think of this experience (here). Yep, still hadn't talked to her about that. I just started bawling. When she was done she asked what brought on those strong emotions. I finally told her about my thoughts and feelings from that night 6 weeks ago. I also told her about (this) night. Other than my husband, I think Grace is the first person I've told about that night out loud. Writing is so easy for me I don't even count it anymore, opening up and saying things out loud is a lot harder.
We talked about a plan for what to do with these thoughts come up again and who I could talk to. Which brought us to talking about my husband. He is great and wonderful and fully supportive of my counseling and doing whatever I need to do to deal with things. However, I think it is hard for him to just be supportive. I have so many strong emotions all the time, I'm sure it can be overwhelming.
My hormones are all over the place right now. Last Thursday I called my husband freaking out and crying because I took the wrong pain pill! So today once I started crying I couldn't make it stop! I seriously have the hormones of a pregnant lady right now!
There are times it still surprises me how easy it to for me to feel, process, show, and share my feelings and emotions. It was so hard for me when I first started seeing Joy 12 years ago. I stuffed all my feelings along with numbing them.
As we talked about me dealing with these feelings she asked if my husband was open to coming with me sometime, which he is. We are trying to see if he can get off work for our (my) next appointment. As I was leaving, still crying by the way, Grace asked if I was okay. She felt like we were at their weird place where I was still crying and she was sending me out the door. I reassured her that I was fine, it is just my crazy hormones right now. Seriously they are crazy and they are driving me crazy! She also suggested that watch a short video with my husband. I'll post about it soon, I think it is pretty funny!
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
10/6/15
Why is it that (almost) every time I try to go to sleep my mind decides it's a great time to think of all these different thoughts and ideas?
I've been going back in my blog post and fixing some typos. In going back through them I have been reading my post from the last time I was seeing James. I couldn't help but think, I'm doing better than I think I am!
Another thing I've noticed lately is that my blogging and posting on here goes in waves. Sometime I am constantly writing or designing new word art things and I LOVE it. Other times I feel too busy and don't write or design anything for months. I've also found when I am in counseling I am always posting on here. It seems to be the inbetween times that I slack off.
I'm going to finally say it out loud, I have such a huge fear of people judging me or looking down on me that I keep certain things secrtivice. One of those things is my spirituality and another is this blog!
A few weeks ago Hayley and her husband and kids came to visit. Her husband and I were talking about dealing with the death of a parent. He was more of the rebellious type. Anyways, he then says, "Hayley says you went in the opposite direction as me in dealing with that." I didn't even know what to say. I'm pretty sure I just sat there staring at him. Why can't I admit out loud my love for the gospel? That it was the one thing that pulled me through for so many years? I have no problem writing it, but writing is so easy for me.
I'm not going to lie, I love this blog I have. I love writing and sharing and re-reading post from the past that I forgot that happened. Yet, I feel so self-conscious about it! Other then Brad I don't think any friends or family know this blog exists! When Hayley was over I was telling her how I no longer enjoyed my business full-time and I was taking a step back. I was excited that I've found my true passion in life (this blog), yet I couldn't come out and say it. Instead when she asked what that was, I said, "Oh just writing and doing graphic design." Out of anyone she knows 99% of the things I have written so it's not like I don't want her to know these things. I can't even explain WHY I feel so self conscious/ secretive about this blog and my spirituality, I just am! I think that's another reason why I don't use my name or other people's real names, because I'm so secretive about this! I even feel self conscious about people I know reading my family blog!
Another thing I have noticed in the past few weeks is how much I LOVE this blog. It makes me happy. Maybe it's the writing. Maybe it's the designing word art and quotes. Whatever it is, it has made me so happy lately. I feel like my depression is significantly better because of it.
I've been going back in my blog post and fixing some typos. In going back through them I have been reading my post from the last time I was seeing James. I couldn't help but think, I'm doing better than I think I am!
Another thing I've noticed lately is that my blogging and posting on here goes in waves. Sometime I am constantly writing or designing new word art things and I LOVE it. Other times I feel too busy and don't write or design anything for months. I've also found when I am in counseling I am always posting on here. It seems to be the inbetween times that I slack off.
I'm going to finally say it out loud, I have such a huge fear of people judging me or looking down on me that I keep certain things secrtivice. One of those things is my spirituality and another is this blog!
A few weeks ago Hayley and her husband and kids came to visit. Her husband and I were talking about dealing with the death of a parent. He was more of the rebellious type. Anyways, he then says, "Hayley says you went in the opposite direction as me in dealing with that." I didn't even know what to say. I'm pretty sure I just sat there staring at him. Why can't I admit out loud my love for the gospel? That it was the one thing that pulled me through for so many years? I have no problem writing it, but writing is so easy for me.
I'm not going to lie, I love this blog I have. I love writing and sharing and re-reading post from the past that I forgot that happened. Yet, I feel so self-conscious about it! Other then Brad I don't think any friends or family know this blog exists! When Hayley was over I was telling her how I no longer enjoyed my business full-time and I was taking a step back. I was excited that I've found my true passion in life (this blog), yet I couldn't come out and say it. Instead when she asked what that was, I said, "Oh just writing and doing graphic design." Out of anyone she knows 99% of the things I have written so it's not like I don't want her to know these things. I can't even explain WHY I feel so self conscious/ secretive about this blog and my spirituality, I just am! I think that's another reason why I don't use my name or other people's real names, because I'm so secretive about this! I even feel self conscious about people I know reading my family blog!
Another thing I have noticed in the past few weeks is how much I LOVE this blog. It makes me happy. Maybe it's the writing. Maybe it's the designing word art and quotes. Whatever it is, it has made me so happy lately. I feel like my depression is significantly better because of it.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
10/1/15
Part of my homework with Grace from weeks ago, okay it's been over a month, was to come up with 10 positive attributes. and I had to be willing to accept them....
My first 2 were easy. But then again Grace pointed out that they are outward things, which seems so much easier.
1) Organized
2) Creative
Now to try to dig deep... It took me a few weeks but I was finally ready to accept it!
3) Emotional
I put this down in a good, healthy way. For so long I couldn't show or hardly feel emotions. Now I let them flow so freely and it feels amazing.
I have this deep fear of being judged/ rejected. My thought process is- If someone knows me and reads this blog then they will look at me negatively or judge me or want nothing to do with me!
I'm not a very talkative person, at all! If I'm in a group of people I'd much rather sit back and just listen then join in the conversation. If the situation is smaller and more personal I'm more likely to talk and open up. I've also found that people with very strong personality types intimidate me and it's harder for me talk, let alone open up to them or with them around.
So out of fear of all those negative things, I don't tell anyone about this blog! I think 2 or 3 family members know about it. None of my friends, not even Hayley, know it exists. I feel like if I put it out there all these negative things will happen! I know that is crazy and if people do look at it negatively that is their problem. Still I let this fear stand in my way of opening up or sharing these things with others!
Over the past few days I've been going through every single post, all 842 of them and editing out pointless ones, catching typos and such. As I read some of my post I realized that I am more insightful than I give myself credit for! It has made me realize and accept my fourth attribute.
4) Insightful
I am a very deep thinker, which I think is why I'm so quiet and I'd rather observe a conversation then join in. I think it's thanks to all my experiences in counseling that I've learned to really dig deep into my feels and examine things more closely.
As I was telling Brad about this I realized that outwardly I don't seem "insightful". It mainly comes through in my writing.
10/30-
I was going through my binder of journal entries from 2003 to 2011 and I found something interesting. During Group #2 Ross told me how insightful I was and not from books but from my own life and observations. It was funny to read that a month after I realized/ accepted that I really am insightful!
My first 2 were easy. But then again Grace pointed out that they are outward things, which seems so much easier.
1) Organized
2) Creative
Now to try to dig deep... It took me a few weeks but I was finally ready to accept it!
3) Emotional
I put this down in a good, healthy way. For so long I couldn't show or hardly feel emotions. Now I let them flow so freely and it feels amazing.
I have this deep fear of being judged/ rejected. My thought process is- If someone knows me and reads this blog then they will look at me negatively or judge me or want nothing to do with me!
I'm not a very talkative person, at all! If I'm in a group of people I'd much rather sit back and just listen then join in the conversation. If the situation is smaller and more personal I'm more likely to talk and open up. I've also found that people with very strong personality types intimidate me and it's harder for me talk, let alone open up to them or with them around.
So out of fear of all those negative things, I don't tell anyone about this blog! I think 2 or 3 family members know about it. None of my friends, not even Hayley, know it exists. I feel like if I put it out there all these negative things will happen! I know that is crazy and if people do look at it negatively that is their problem. Still I let this fear stand in my way of opening up or sharing these things with others!
Over the past few days I've been going through every single post, all 842 of them and editing out pointless ones, catching typos and such. As I read some of my post I realized that I am more insightful than I give myself credit for! It has made me realize and accept my fourth attribute.
4) Insightful
I am a very deep thinker, which I think is why I'm so quiet and I'd rather observe a conversation then join in. I think it's thanks to all my experiences in counseling that I've learned to really dig deep into my feels and examine things more closely.
As I was telling Brad about this I realized that outwardly I don't seem "insightful". It mainly comes through in my writing.
10/30-
I was going through my binder of journal entries from 2003 to 2011 and I found something interesting. During Group #2 Ross told me how insightful I was and not from books but from my own life and observations. It was funny to read that a month after I realized/ accepted that I really am insightful!
Monday, September 28, 2015
9/28/2015
Do you ever feel like everything always goes wrong? Nothing seems to go right, ever!
This is how I have felt for so very long. When my doctor agreed to do a hysterectomy, without me even having to fight for it, I was shocked. Things moved along fast and smoothly. Then I had my bump in the road, I got a cold. I got over it so fast, which never happens. I kept waiting for something to go really wrong.
An hour before surgery I had to take a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn't pregnant! I was freaking out that it would come out positive, it didn't! Don't get me wrong, I would be happy I was pregnant, but bummed I couldn't move forward with the hysterectomy as planned. The surgery did start an hour late. Everything went great. Nothing at all went wrong.
I also had this fear that my doctor would tell me my uterus was in perfect condition and there was no reason I shouldn't have been able to get pregnant. I feared if I heard that I would regret getting the hysterectomy. I felt like if I knew that I would always live with these "what if's". What if we waited a few months and I was able to get pregnant in that time? Needless to say I was happy the next morning when my doctor told me, "It was nasty! Normally I can cut through them like butter, not yours. It was just horrible." I couldn't have been happier hearing that.
I've been in less pain than I anticipated, also surprising. I have been sore, but not that bad.
Everything went so smoothly, so perfectly. For the first time in a long time everything has been perfect!
This is how I have felt for so very long. When my doctor agreed to do a hysterectomy, without me even having to fight for it, I was shocked. Things moved along fast and smoothly. Then I had my bump in the road, I got a cold. I got over it so fast, which never happens. I kept waiting for something to go really wrong.
An hour before surgery I had to take a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn't pregnant! I was freaking out that it would come out positive, it didn't! Don't get me wrong, I would be happy I was pregnant, but bummed I couldn't move forward with the hysterectomy as planned. The surgery did start an hour late. Everything went great. Nothing at all went wrong.
I also had this fear that my doctor would tell me my uterus was in perfect condition and there was no reason I shouldn't have been able to get pregnant. I feared if I heard that I would regret getting the hysterectomy. I felt like if I knew that I would always live with these "what if's". What if we waited a few months and I was able to get pregnant in that time? Needless to say I was happy the next morning when my doctor told me, "It was nasty! Normally I can cut through them like butter, not yours. It was just horrible." I couldn't have been happier hearing that.
I've been in less pain than I anticipated, also surprising. I have been sore, but not that bad.
Everything went so smoothly, so perfectly. For the first time in a long time everything has been perfect!
Saturday, September 26, 2015
9/26/2015
I realized something recently after a visit with Grace. In dealing with the depression and seeing both Joy and Grace, they both discussed changing my thought process. One big difference I've found is with Joy it was more about pinpointing the negative thoughts and getting rid of them. I didn't realize how many negative thoughts I had! It did make a difference once I realized what they were and how often they came. Now with Grace, I've noticed her approach is more from a positive side. Realize what my positive qualities are and in this last visit we talked about changing my distorted thoughts. We went through this list and picked things I want to/ need to work on and how to change these thoughts. For me, it has been a lot easier to replace the negative ones then try to dismiss them all together.
(sorry this picture turned out horrible, I'll replace it with a readable one soon!)
My first one on the list is Disqualifying the positive. It doesn't matter how many compliments people can give me, I always brush it off as nothing. I think maybe my problem is that I just don't even know how to respond. Growing up I didn't get positive compliments or any sort of validation. Everything was always negative, or I didn't do it good enough. On my way home I thought of something that happened when I was 16. I used to love photography. It was my life. I loved photographing nature. While on a vacation I took a picture of a water lily that was in this bucket, I think we were at a zoo. A month of so later I submitted this picture I took into this high school photography contest for our school district. The picture got 3rd place in it's category. It might not sounds like it was much, but it was a big deal. Want to know one of the main things I remember about that, Grandpa telling me, "You should have picked that dead leaf off the plant before taking the picture."
Okay, now let me back up to during my visit with Grace. We talked about how I disqualify positive comments/ compliments. It really sunk in when Grace asked me, "Do you ever give a positive compliment and NOT mean it?" I thought about it and realized, no I don't! When I say something like that, I always mean it. Which was her point. Someone doesn't go out of their way to give you a compliment unless they really mean it. I never thought about it like that! How to replace this distortion is instead of brushing it off, say Thank you.
Let me bring up one other thing I struggle with. I have this constant paranoia that people don't like me/ don't even realize I exist. At the same time I want people to like me and acknowledge me. So that bring me to tonight. We were at a ward party and as some people were leaving a lady came over and said, "If I don't talk to you before then, good luck with your surgery!" I thought, okay now I get to actually try out this not disqualifying it thing. I smiled and told her thanks. She said something else, but my mind was a blur because I actually did it. My normal way I respond to compliments is "okay". No really, it is! In fact when Grace said the same thing to me, my response was okay! This lady continued and said something else (don't ask what, my mind was still kind of spinning) that was nice/ positive and I again said thanks. As she walked away I realized that I actually felt like she cared! That never happens to me! I felt good and I felt like she actually meant it and cared, that's a first for me. Instead of brushing it off like I used to do and it leaving no real effect on me, this time saying thanks and not dismissing it made a huge difference!
Friday, September 18, 2015
9/18/2015
Everything was going along so smoothly with my hysterectomy. So smoothly that I was just waiting for something to go wrong!
Day 1) I decided I was 100% ready for a hysterectomy. Called and made a doctors appointment.
Day 2) Saw Dr. P and got my referral for Dr. B
Day 3) Called Dr. B's office and got appointment
Day 9) Appointment with Dr. B, now to just set a date.
Day 15) Dr. B's office calls and sets date for Day 27!!!! They call my insurance to make sure they will cover it, I thought for sure they would fight it, after all I've only been covered by them for 3 months. Nope, no problem there they will cover it (well, 70% of it!)
Day 16) Pre-op ultrasound
Day 18) I wake up with a sore throat, I pass it off as I forgot my allergy medication the day before. By the end of the day I realize it is not going away and this is a cold!
I had read in one of the many articles I researched that even a cold can postpone surgery. I of course am freaking out! No, it is so close, I will NOT postpone it! Hayley happened to be visiting and she is all about the essential oils! She told me which ones to use to help. I seriously did everything under the sun- essential oils, cold medicine, Netti Pot, lots of juice and water, lots of rest. When I get a cold it always hits me hard. It last for weeks! It started 9 days before surgery, there was no way it would be gone in time.
Needless to say, this has been my mildest and shortest cold EVER. Last night as I was thinking about this I though, nothing in my life ever goes smoothly, something always goes wrong. Things were going so well of course Heavenly Father had to throw me this bump in the road. It wasn't going to mess up my plans, but boy was I worried it would. I'm not usually the most optimistic person, but from the second I realized it was a cold I was determined that I would be better before my surgery! Somehow, someway I would force myself to be better in time! And I am!
5 days to go....
At 3 days to go I had my appointment with the pre-op nurse. She asked me so many questions about my cold, she had this look on her face like she wanted to postpone surgery, but I convinced her it was gone!
Not gonna lie, I still had a little cough when I went in for surgery. Oddly enough afterwards my cough was completely gone!
Day 1) I decided I was 100% ready for a hysterectomy. Called and made a doctors appointment.
Day 2) Saw Dr. P and got my referral for Dr. B
Day 3) Called Dr. B's office and got appointment
Day 9) Appointment with Dr. B, now to just set a date.
Day 15) Dr. B's office calls and sets date for Day 27!!!! They call my insurance to make sure they will cover it, I thought for sure they would fight it, after all I've only been covered by them for 3 months. Nope, no problem there they will cover it (well, 70% of it!)
Day 16) Pre-op ultrasound
Day 18) I wake up with a sore throat, I pass it off as I forgot my allergy medication the day before. By the end of the day I realize it is not going away and this is a cold!
I had read in one of the many articles I researched that even a cold can postpone surgery. I of course am freaking out! No, it is so close, I will NOT postpone it! Hayley happened to be visiting and she is all about the essential oils! She told me which ones to use to help. I seriously did everything under the sun- essential oils, cold medicine, Netti Pot, lots of juice and water, lots of rest. When I get a cold it always hits me hard. It last for weeks! It started 9 days before surgery, there was no way it would be gone in time.
Needless to say, this has been my mildest and shortest cold EVER. Last night as I was thinking about this I though, nothing in my life ever goes smoothly, something always goes wrong. Things were going so well of course Heavenly Father had to throw me this bump in the road. It wasn't going to mess up my plans, but boy was I worried it would. I'm not usually the most optimistic person, but from the second I realized it was a cold I was determined that I would be better before my surgery! Somehow, someway I would force myself to be better in time! And I am!
5 days to go....
At 3 days to go I had my appointment with the pre-op nurse. She asked me so many questions about my cold, she had this look on her face like she wanted to postpone surgery, but I convinced her it was gone!
Not gonna lie, I still had a little cough when I went in for surgery. Oddly enough afterwards my cough was completely gone!
Friday, September 11, 2015
9/11/15
Over 6 years ago I was sitting my in doctors office begging him for a hysterectomy. He said no! As much as I have wanted one, I haven't dared ask for one since. Just over a year ago we started moving in that direction. My doctor, family physician, said he would give me a referral once we got health insurance. Last week I went back to him and got my referral! I just left the OBGN's office. I was so nervous he would tell me no yet again! I went there prepared to fight for a hysterectomy. I was expecting him to want to try something else, or hesitate. He literally walked in the room, looked at my paperwork and said, "You want a hysterectomy and you've adopted 2 kids. Okay, this is the type of hysterectomy I'll be doing and this is what the recovery will be like." I couldn't stop smiling. This is really happening!?!?!? I still can't believe it.
Things have been moving along so smoothly I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I had my pre-op ultrasounds yesterday. Surgery is in just over a week! I'm like a kid waiting for Christmas! I can not wait. I have to restrain myself from packing my bag for the hospital so soon.
I'm mostly still in shock.This is really, really, really happening? I've been struggling with this for 19 years! Now every time I get cramps or my bleeding is bad it feels amplified because I know the end is sooooo near!
Things have been moving along so smoothly I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I had my pre-op ultrasounds yesterday. Surgery is in just over a week! I'm like a kid waiting for Christmas! I can not wait. I have to restrain myself from packing my bag for the hospital so soon.
I'm mostly still in shock.This is really, really, really happening? I've been struggling with this for 19 years! Now every time I get cramps or my bleeding is bad it feels amplified because I know the end is sooooo near!
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
9/8/15
So today Grandpa got the Melchizedek Priesthood. I was anxious about it. I thought that would be a great next step in my whole healing/ forgiving process. I was totally fine with it until it was happening. All of a sudden I was filled with this hurting again. I didn't feel mad at him at all. I wasn't upset that he was getting this priesthood. I just felt hurt and struggling not to lose it during the whole thing. All I wanted to do was be alone and cry, which I am doing now. I am so ready to head home. I know my kids are not going to want to leave, which makes it that much harder to leave.
The weird part for me was the fact that Grandpa was ordained (am I even using the right word?) in the same office that was Bishop W's and also Bishop C. And, guess what? Bishop C was there! I couldn't help but sit there and wonder, does he remember? It was over 11 years ago when I told him about the abuse I was going through at the hands of Grandpa. And now here we are, in his same office that I told him those things, ordaining Grandpa an Elder in the church.
I feel bad saying it or thinking it, but I'm sure it is normal... Part of me feels like Heavenly Father should be mad at Grandpa for hurting me. As my cousin (whom I love dearly) was blessing him he said that God loves him. It reminded me that God loves everyone perfectly. He loves Grandpa just as much as he loves me, even though he has done bad things.
It was also interesting that the Youth Speaker talked about keep going. She said, when you feel like you can't take another step, like you can't keep going anymore, you do and that's when you grow the most.
Yesterday I posted a song along with the lyrics. I heard this song for the first time just a few weeks ago and it quickly became one of my new favorites.
On Sunday after the emotional ups and down I had a lot of time to think. Driving is one of my favorite places to just think. This song came on and as I was thinking about it and about my Grandpa I started to see things in a new light. As I heard, "Even when you're broken He's gonna love you" I all of a sudden pictured Grandpa as the "broken" one. It has been interesting as I have started to see Grandpa in this new light, as him as the broken one and as him being loved just as much as I am.
The weird part for me was the fact that Grandpa was ordained (am I even using the right word?) in the same office that was Bishop W's and also Bishop C. And, guess what? Bishop C was there! I couldn't help but sit there and wonder, does he remember? It was over 11 years ago when I told him about the abuse I was going through at the hands of Grandpa. And now here we are, in his same office that I told him those things, ordaining Grandpa an Elder in the church.
I feel bad saying it or thinking it, but I'm sure it is normal... Part of me feels like Heavenly Father should be mad at Grandpa for hurting me. As my cousin (whom I love dearly) was blessing him he said that God loves him. It reminded me that God loves everyone perfectly. He loves Grandpa just as much as he loves me, even though he has done bad things.
It was also interesting that the Youth Speaker talked about keep going. She said, when you feel like you can't take another step, like you can't keep going anymore, you do and that's when you grow the most.
Yesterday I posted a song along with the lyrics. I heard this song for the first time just a few weeks ago and it quickly became one of my new favorites.
On Sunday after the emotional ups and down I had a lot of time to think. Driving is one of my favorite places to just think. This song came on and as I was thinking about it and about my Grandpa I started to see things in a new light. As I heard, "Even when you're broken He's gonna love you" I all of a sudden pictured Grandpa as the "broken" one. It has been interesting as I have started to see Grandpa in this new light, as him as the broken one and as him being loved just as much as I am.
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