Dear Grandpa,

Dear Grandpa,

I feel like I have done this so many times. Every few years I find myself back in counseling and every single time you come up. The things you said to me over 15 years ago hurt me deeply that they still affect me today. How could you do that to your own child? I don't feel like a perfect parent, at times I don't even feel like a good parent, but I would never tell my children the things you told me.
Things you called me: so many swear words I'm not even going to list them all, worthless, unchristian, ungrateful, selfish, lazy, stuck up, brat, greedy, fat, was going to go to hell, I could never do anything good enough for you and constantly accused of taking drugs (cocaine).

It is sad that 10 years after I moved out of your house you were still scapegoating all your problems onto me. Why me? Why not someone else? Is it because of what I have done? The most painful thing you said to me was when you not once, but twice blamed me for being the reason you wouldn't get baptized. I'm not sure what that has been so painful to me, but it has. Even though you have been baptized now, that still hurts.

Sometimes when I look at you I wonder what you see when you look at me. Do you still view me as the person that ruined your family? Do you still think I'm evil? All I was doing was just trying to cope. It's ironic that the reason you thought I was evil was because I was trying to cope with the evil things you said to me. You couldn't look past my problem to see my pain and my hurt and a girl just trying to survive.

When mom first told me you were going to be getting endowed at first I was okay. I really was. Then, in her controlling tone, she told me I HAD to be there everything came crashing down. Ever since then every time I see you or think about you all I can see are the words, the names, the lies you told me. The ones that to this day I'm still trying to convince myself are not true.

I wish I can understand why you did what you did. Why you felt the need to tear me down so much that at times I didn't think I could keep going.

I don't like that fact that I have to hide the sexual abuse that happened to me from you. When I told mom she told me you can't know, you can't handle it. I am very open about everything I have been through throughout my life, so keeping this secret from you has been had. I wish you could know. Not that it would change anything or I want you to do something about it, simply because I just want you to know.

When you are sober I can actually see the dad I used to have. Back before the abuse started we were best friends. I think that has been one of the hardest things for me is remembering how things were. You never called me by my name, I was always Pal. I loved that. I was your Pal and you were mine. We spent to much time together. You were my favorite person to be around. Now your the person I resent the most. It breaks my heart to even think about the difference in you from the time I was 9 to when I was 19. You went from being this amazing, fun loving guy, who loved spending time with his family to this bitter, angry, raging alcoholic that is too busy working at the garden to spend time with his family.

From what I have read in my mom's journals it seemed to me that you were verbally abusive to her too. She talked about how you weren't there for you and you were hardly even a dad to her. Why do I feel like I'm the only one in the family that will admit 1) that you are abusive and 2) that you are an alcoholic. The more you drink, the nastier you get, but no one sees that besides me.

I feel:
Betrayed by who used to be my best friend
Hurt and angry at you for all the abuse
Unprotected and abandoned by my own parents
Alone in my feelings, like I can't be allowed to be un-happy about things (baptism and endowment) because everyone else is happy.
Sad that I can't have my old dad back
Mad that my privacy is constantly being violated. Even at 30, you feel the need to look through my stuff!

At times I try to remind myself that you must have been abused too. Not only have you been so verbally abusive, but your sister has too. It has taken me years to even talk to her again. It is sad to wonder how many generations the abuse has been going on for? It is sad that I know at least 1 of your 3 sons has continued to cycle of abuse. Even though you view it as this evil, horrible thing I have done, I for one an thankful I started cutting. That was my turning point. That was the reason Bishop M sent me to counseling and because of that I am where I am today. Even though at times I still feel hurt by what you did, at the same time I am almost grateful for it. I love the person I have become because of everything negative that has happened in my life.

When you got baptized, it was so hard for me. I wanted so bad to be able to forgive you. I felt like I needed to fully forgive you before I could accept you getting baptized. The day you were baptized I wasn't 100% there, I wasn't even close. But then, the second you went under the water a wave of forgiveness for you washed over me. Over the last few years I have allowed some of my old hurts to sneak back up on me. I have once again been struggling with the idea of you getting endowed, especially the thought of being in the prayer circle with you. For me I take church things very seriously. The church has been my rock over the years. The one stable thing in my life. The one thing that didn't hurt or betray me. So it has been really hard for me to even think about being in the prayer circle with you. I just couldn't do it.

Tonight as I was writing how grateful I am for the abuse and how it made me who I am today, I couldn't help but let go of a lot of my negative feelings for you. Yes, what you did hurt me deeply, but because of it I am who I am today. I love the person I've become. I can't stop saying it, and laughing at the irony, I love the person I am today because of the abuse, so for that I am grateful that you did and said everything you did. I can't stop laughing and smiling about the fact that I am grateful you abused me. I finally feel ready to let go of the hurt I've been holding on to!