11/5/15

I have my next appointment with Grace in 12 hours. Even though I realized what is triggering my depression this time of year almost a week ago I think it just now hit me. All I can think it, I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to go there. Can't I just ignore it? Please don't make me talk about it.

It doesn't help that today has been rough. I don't know if I just woke up in a bad mood or what. By lunchtime I was reaching my breaking point. I was able to take a step back and think, okay I'm spiraling down to rock bottom, what do I do? Grace and I talked about this last time that I needed to talk to someone when I hit this point. I don't have to talk about how I'm feeling or the depression, just simply talk to someone. I hate talking to people on the phone, I really do. So I texted Hayley. I wasn't sure if she would be at work or busy with her kids. I sent her a message and tried to go on with my day.

Everything seemed to be going wrong. The kids spent 3 hours asking me if they could have a cookie, each time I told them no. I needed to force some food into me, maybe I would feel better then. I burnt my lunch. Then when I re-did it I was too nauseous to eat it anyways. After I dropped Em of at school I couldn't help but think, "I can't do this." Finally I grabbed my phone again, this time I was going to actually call my mother-in-law. I looked at my phone to call her and noticed I had a text from Hayley. We texted back and forth throughout the afternoon. Just seeing that she had texted me back and then responding to her message distracted me from my "I can't do this" thoughts.

The time I was texting Hayley and the next few hours I was doing okay. Once I got Em from school I started sliding back down again. I have really struggled with my calling at church. I am a Cub Scout leader and for some reason I find it so overwhelming! My kids were yet again fighting and I was stressing about scouts. I was in my office putting an activity together when I looked down at the xacto knife in my hand and for a split second I thought "cut". I set it down and went to get my phone to call Brad. When I picked it up I noticed that Hayley had texted me about 30 minutes earlier. I got wrapped up in talking to her again and by the time we were done I felt fine again!