11/8/2015

One of my biggest struggles with the depression is isolation/ loneliness. Sometimes I wonder why I even try not to isolate myself. Why do I even try? For the past few months I have really tried to make an effort at church to not isolate myself. Yet I feel like it has been hurting me more then helping me. Today I once again found myself sitting alone in Relief Society. Not a single person sat next to me the whole time. Not a single person said a word to me. Okay, not the biggest deal. Even when the teacher divided up the class into 4 groups and instructed us to talk to our neighbors about the topics were were given, no one even acknowledged I was even in the room. I looked around the room, I was the only one sitting alone and the only one not talking to someone. I wanted to just leave. I fought back the tears as I sat there feeling completely rejected. I spent the last 30 minutes of class fighting the urge to get up and leave. It is so much easier isolating myself. Seriously, is there something wrong with me? At time I feel like the depression makes me so negative  people must not want to be anywhere near me. There must be something about me that people just don't like. I can't help but think there must be some reason why people avoid me like the plague... When I purposely isolate myself I expect no one to notice me or acknowledge me. Like I've said before, it is safe. No one can hurt me when I push them away. I am officially going back to my safe little corner.