It wasn't that hard for me to tell Grace that I pinpointed what was bringing on my depression. Explained what it was, that was the hard part. I sit here and say I'm so much more open then when I was seeing Joy, yet open for me is probably another person's closed up! I do eventually open up, it just takes a little time.
Even though I talked about my mom's death with James we mainly focused on my feelings after her death about the adoption.
I've known for years that I just numbed my feelings and emotions completely after her death. Growing up it was shameful simply to cry. After my Grandpa got home the day my mom died for 1 split second I found it okay to cry and feel sad. Today after relaying the story to Grace she asked how I was feeling right then, numb. I still do it! When those feelings and emotions get too strong I just numb them! The one emotion I remember, other than feeling sad for about 30 seconds, is numb.
It has been weird to think about being able to grieve. In my family you simply forget it ever happened, move on with your life and if it pops up again just shove it all down! Here I am 24 years later just now realized that I need to! Grieving is a negative thing in my family, you don't grieve you forget! One of my thoughts today was, "Really, so is not shameful to actually cry about it, or be sad, or let it actually make me sad each year? That is okay?"
Grieving her death seems so foreign to me. Yet, as I look back I see that grieving came naturally a few years ago. I wrote just the other day about our "baby", Payson. The entire grieving process just flowed naturally. I've even allowed myself to be sad, and cry and miss him over the years, even though he never really existed! With my mom is seems so weird. Where do I start? How do I do this?
Grace suggested doing something each year, either on her birthday or the day she died. Letting myself feel those emotions, which I have been fighting not to for way too many years! Back when I was seeing Joy I made a scrapbook of my mom. I rarely look at it is it still seems too hard most of the time. Now I have no clue what I should do or what I want to do...
As Grace was talking about doing something each year I all of a sudden remembered something from 4 years ago. It was my mom's birthday, Em was 1 1/2 at the time and I decided to do something for my mom's birthday. Em and I made cupcakes, one of the things I remember most about my mom was she loved baking cookies. I remember sitting on the floor stirring bowls of cookie dough. Anyways, I also sat down with Em and showed her the scrapbook of my mom. It has been the only time I've ever done something like that. What makes that so significant? I found out almost a year later that the same day that Em and I celebrated my mom's birthday little did I know, but my son was being born!
We got Brax on the 3rd and were told her had turned 1 on the 2nd. That night Brad was at work, the kids were asleep and I looked through all his info. I was completely shocked as I looked down and saw his birthday was not the 2nd, but the 13th, my mom's birthday! The second I saw that he was born on her birthday I knew without a doubt that we would end up adopting him. I also knew that I wanted to name him after her. Her name was Donlyn and we knew we wanted to incorporate Don into this little boy's name somehow. We discussed so many names, Camdon, Haydon, Paxdon... One night I mentioned this to my friend about how we were having a hard time coming up with our son's name. About 30 minutes later, out of the blue she says, "Braxton, but d-o-n!" Brad wasn't paying attention when I mentioned it to him right then, but the next day I mentioned it again and he loved it!
Another interesting thing we discussed was how I'm a "high functioning depressive". I know at times I mask the depression, but I didn't realize how much I was. Even at my lowest lows I can pass as, and even convince myself I am, normal. Even in this deep, thick fog of depression it's so normal for me I hardly even think anyhing about it at this point.
After I got home I realized that I have been fighting this grieving process for nearly 24 years. Anytime those emotions try to come out I just push them back down. No wonder this deep depression keeps coming back year after year!
I am glad that Grace also brought up the fact that no matter the time of year, my depression is still there and I will still need to deal with that and stay on my medication.
This song, Just Let Me Cry, has been stuck in my head all day. Especially this part: "But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected And we're forced to face our deepest pain When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger" - and what I need to learn to do- "And there's nothing I can do but let it out"
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