10/31/15

As I was trying to fall asleep all of a sudden I started thinking about my mom's death. I realized that the date that she died on is 6 weeks away. I always struggle in the days leading up to that date. The day before and the day of I feel like everything makes me mad. Everything irritates me. I'm snippy, mad and angry. It took me a few years to figure out why I felt like that on that particular day. I didn't even realized what date it was or why I felt so mad for years.

Now each year I knows it coming. I try to convince myself that this year would be different. This year I won't be so mad and angry. Yet, year after year I am.

I am realizing that even though I've dealt with her death in counseling, and I'm pretty sure I've been in counseling on the anniversary of her death, I don't think I've ever faced the fact that I struggle so much on that day. Maybe here is my chance to do something about it.

As I have been writing I had noticed a pattern with the depression, this is the third time that I can pinpoint that I've been hit hard with the depression this time of year! Could it be that it is connected with her death? That my body just knows the anniversary of her death is coming so it shuts down like this?

I've looked back at journal entries to see if this theory is true. Get this:
2003, Oct- struggling with depression
I don't have much written for the next several years
2008, Dec- struggle with depression
2009, Oct and Nov- I didn't journal about a struggle with it, but I posted a lot of things about depression.
2012, Nov- I am pretty sure this was one of the years I remember it hitting me hard
2013, Nov- Again I didn't journal about it, but posted a lot about depression.
2014, Oct- struggling with depression
2015, Oct- struggling with depression

As I am realizing this I am shocked. How did I not notice this before? It makes so much sense!

I thought I had posted on here the story of her death, but I don't see it. I know I've written it down several times before, just not on here. I was planning on writing it, but now that I'm actually getting to that I am feel so self concious about it! Maybe another day.

I've had a day to let things sink in. As I was telling Brad my theory he asked if maybe I was thinking about my mom's death and thinking about it was bringin on the depression. I told him no I didn't think so. I thought about it later and came to the same conclusion. The depression hit hard 2 weeks ago and my mom's death never crossed my mind until last night. It seems so crazy to me that this pattern has been going on for so long and I'm just now realizing it. I went back through my journal entries from 2003. I went from June to October 25th without cutting, yet again at the end of October the depression was bad enough that I started cutting again!

Now that I think that this has to do with my depression it has brought on all this anxiety! I feel like my heart is racing all the time, along with my mind. It's like my body is completely freaking out with the thought of having to deal with my mom's death again. I'm sure my anxiety about dealing with it again is a sign that I really do need to!

I feel like the depression is getting worse each year, maybe it is just me now realizing it. Maybe it's the fact that I'm almost the same age she was when she died and Em is almost the same age I was when my mom died! It is crazy to think that in 2 1/2 years I will be the same age she was, Em will be the same age my sister was and Brax will be the same age I was when she died!