10/1/15

Part of my homework with Grace from weeks ago, okay it's been over a month, was to come up with 10 positive attributes. and I had to be willing to accept them....

My first 2 were easy. But then again Grace pointed out that they are outward things, which seems so much easier.
1) Organized
2) Creative

Now to try to dig deep... It took me a few weeks but I was finally ready to accept it!
3) Emotional
I put this down in a good, healthy way. For so long I couldn't show or hardly feel emotions. Now I let them flow so freely and it feels amazing.

I have this deep fear of being judged/ rejected. My thought process is- If someone knows me and reads this blog then they will look at me negatively or judge me or want nothing to do with me!

I'm not a very talkative person, at all! If I'm in a group of people I'd much rather sit back and just listen then join in the conversation. If the situation is smaller and more personal I'm more likely to talk and open up. I've also found that people with very strong personality types intimidate me and it's harder for me talk, let alone open up to them or with them around.

So out of fear  of all those negative things, I don't tell anyone about this blog! I think 2 or 3 family members know about it. None of my friends, not even Hayley, know it exists. I feel like if I put it out there all these negative things will happen! I know that is crazy and if people do look at it negatively that is their problem. Still I let this fear stand in my way of opening up or sharing these things with others!

Over the past few days I've been going through every single post, all 842 of them and editing out pointless ones, catching typos and such. As I read some of my post I realized that I am more insightful than I give myself credit for! It has made me realize and accept my fourth attribute.
4) Insightful

I am a very deep thinker, which I think is why I'm so quiet and I'd rather observe a conversation then join in. I think it's thanks to all my experiences in counseling that I've learned to really dig deep into my feels and examine things more closely.

As I was telling Brad about this I realized that outwardly I don't seem "insightful". It mainly comes through in my writing.

10/30-
I was going through my binder of journal entries from 2003 to 2011 and I found something interesting. During Group #2 Ross told me how insightful I was and not from books but from my own life and observations. It was funny to read that a month after I realized/ accepted that I really am insightful!