10/23/15

It was something that Joy and I once discussed. We talked about it briefly, but only seeing her 3 times we didn't do a lot... I have no friends, no one I hang out with, no one I talk to, no one except Brad.

During our second session she wanted me to set up a playgroup for the summer and try to get out there socially. It failed miserably! I set it up, invited all the moms from my daughter's preschool and all the moms at church. No one came. Ever. Half way through the summer I gave up. It only made me feel even worse about myself sitting at these play groups all alone. 

With my depression one of the things I tend to do is isolate myself. At church during Relief Society I usually find a spot in the far back corner, as far away from others as I could possibly get.  Last Sunday I thought, I need to get out of this anti-social thing, it's not healthy. 

As Relief Society stated I sat on the end of a row that usually fills up fast. As others came in they all went past me, sitting as far away from as possible until the only empty seat was the one next to me. I couldn't help but think, is there something wrong with me? Do I smell? Is there something fundamentally unlikable about me?  The seat next to me remained empty for over half the meeting. By that time it was one of a few empty chairs.  

I feel like it is happening again today. My kids wanted to go to the park. Even though it's maybe 50 degrees out and I hate the cold, I took them. I sat alone on a bench watching my kids play. I didn't expect to sit next to or talk to anyone. A few minutes after getting there another lady from my ward got there with her kid. This was a lady I actually know. I was her son's primary teacher, we were visiting teaching partners for years and we have kids the same exact ages. She said hi and we talked for about 30 seconds before she went off and sat on a different bench with someone else. I sat there alone wondering, is it really just me who is convicted people don't like me or is it actually true? I mean how hard is it to say,  "I'm going to go sit with one of my friends, want to join us? ". So I'm sitting here alone, freezing, watching my kids play. They had fun, so it was worth it. 

It's hard not to get inside your own head. I'm sure not everyone doesn't like me. I'm sure there are some people who don't like me. That is just life. It's hard to try to convince yourself it's not true when all the signs point to it is.

Being alone is safe. No one can hurt me or reject me. It's comfortable. It's easy. At the same time it is lonely.