10/20/15

The past few days have been filled with so many ups and downs. My emotions have been all over the place. Usually something happens to trigger this. This time it came out of nowhere.

Trying to find the right anti-depressant medication that works best for me has been hard. For so long Prozac worked wonders. After some time it felt like it was less and less effective. The past 18 months I've been off and on so many different ones, okay, only 3. When I started Wellbutrin I had an extreme low the first week on it. Then I was fine. A month later I had to switch brands of Wellbutrin and again the first week on it I experienced that extreme low. For the most part it has been great.

2 months ago I felt like I had finally taken all of my doctors advice for how to deal with the depression. 1) Medication 2) Counseling 3) Exercise.

I have never felt better than I did when I was doing all three of these. After my surgery I couldn't exercise like I wanted it. After 3 weeks of not being able too I've been feeling more and more bogged down. Maybe it's my hormones being out of whack after the surgery, I don't know.

For the past 3 days I could feel the depression getting worse and worse. I have really been struggling with it. One of the things I can't stop thinking about was something Grace said last week. Maybe I need to talk to my doctor about adjusting my medication. I didn't think much of it at the time, it has been working so well!  Grace also asked me when was the last time I read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk, "Like a Broken Vessel". I have read bits and pieces of it recently, but not the whole thing for a long time. She suggested I read it.

Tonight as I again have been struggling I decided to watch it on YouTube. I watched it back to back 3 times. It was what I have needed to hear for the past few days.

Things that stood out to me:
"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend"

"Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being... If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values."

"do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee."

I have been telling myself, 'One more month... give it one more month before going to a doctor about this. Maybe once I've gotten back to exercising I will feel better.' The past few days as I have thought about going back to my doctor to talk to him I have had this debating going on in my head, 'Do I see my regular physician that I've been seeing for the depression for almost 2 years now? Or, because I feel that my hormones are all out of whack since surgery and I feel it is effecting my depression should I talk to my OB about it?' After listening this this I feel like I need to talk to my regular physician, as I have mentioned before, is also a member of my Stake Presidency. Knowing my physician the way I do I feel more confident that he will know what is best for me.