12/1/15

For Thanksgiving we usually go and spend the weekend with Brad’s family, but  with his parents in Georgia this year we aren’t. We figured we’d just spend it with my family. Our plans kept changing and changing and going back and forth. It finally came down to the fact that we were moving the Tuesday before, we decided we would just stay home and do nothing. Then one week before my sister texted me inviting us to spend it with them. The last time I talked to my grandma about it she said it would just be us and them and I wasn’t too thrilled about that idea. Once my sister invited us to spend it with them and our grandparents I was rather excited!

A few days later our truck, of course, started acting up again! A light kept popping up saying the battery was dying while we were driving. It wasn’t acting funny so we ignored it. Want to guess what happened on our way to my grandparent’s house? Yep, 30 miles outside of town at 10:30 at night we broke down! I took it all surprisingly well. I actually found it pretty funny! On Wellbutrin it would have felt like the end of the world. Thankfully I’ve been off it for 2 to 3 weeks now.

We weighed our options. 1) Call a tow truck- no way. 2) Hayley’s husband come help us- he was at
work 3) Brad’s brother come pick us up- okay, but he can’t tow the truck so we would have
to go all the way back out there to fix it Or 4) Hayley’s brother could come tow us- that works. I happened to be talking to Hayley as the truck was dying. It took us a while to figure out what we wanted to do, but we decided it would be best if Hayley’s brother could just tow the truck to my grandparents that way we could just fix it. Needless to say it was so hard to get our dead truck up
onto the trailer we got to my grandparent's house at 4 am!!!

Brad thought/ knew what was wrong with the truck and thankfully there was an auto parts store open on Thanksgiving. Brad pulled the part and he and my grandpa took it in to make sure it was broken before buying a new one. Low and behold it tested fine and didn’t appear to be broken. Brad put it back in and the truck ran just fine. We tried and tried to force it to act up again, but it didn’t. I was back to normal! Okay, what a weird fluke!

We had a great Thanksgiving. The food was wonderful. My kids love playing with their cousin’s and didn’t want to leave. I was actually sad that we had to cut our trip short because of the move. We needed to get home to finished moving our furniture and all that fun stuff.

This trip Grandpa was being really nice  and “normal”. It got me reflecting on my pre-teen years when we were best friends and there was no abuse. Back then he also only drank 1 glass of wine with dinner. I kept thinking, He must be sober because he is being SO nice! I guess I have a love/hate relationship with him being nice. I love it but at the same time I know it isn’t going to last forever.

On our way home we were 45 minutes away when the truck started acting up again! Are you kidding me? This is when I lost it! I just can’t handle this... We got to a store that had the part the same time they were closing! They were great and were willing to stay open to help us. Of course now the part showed that it was broken, which would have been way too easy for it to do that the first time! Brad goes to buy it, but we don’t have enough money! Imagine me completely freaking out because we had to drive home knowing that at any given second the truck could brake down on us AGAIN!

For some reason right then Brad decided it was the right time to tell me something. He told me he has known for a few months now, but didn’t want to tell me, but also doesn’t want to hide it from me... he has seen empty wine containers in my parents trash can. I thought having proof would  make me happy. Instead my stomach dropped and I started crying. I had hoped that he had really, deep down had changed and stopped drinking. I didn’t believe he had, but there was still that hope. Maybe I was just imaging him acting drunk, maybe he hadn’t drank since before He was baptized after all. Just maybe. Deep down I knew I would keep drinking. I KNEW I had smelled alcohol on his breath in the past 2 years. I KNEW his behaviors were that of when he had been drinking. Maybe I didn’t want to believe it either, that he really still is. It made me so sad to know that he really, truly is! At the same time I kept saying, “I knew it! I could just tell He really was and I was right!” Part of me was happy that I was actually right. I didn’t imagine it or his behaviors!  I still have mixed emotions about the whole thing. Sad he hasn't really changed, but happy that I didn't imagine him acting that way.

One of the most frustrating part is that I just don't get it. I don't understand why he is doing what he is doing. I wish I could just tell him to pick one way or the other. Before he joined the church he would drink and shop on Sunday and do whatever he wanted to do, okay no big deal. Then he decided to finally make that commitment at almost 80-years-old, okay that's awesome. Except that he wants to have to both ways. He wants to be an active LDS member  of the church who takes the sacrament each Sunday, but also drink and do whatever he wants to do. I know I will never understand. I will never know why. I just wish that if he wasn't going change his life at all then he wouldn't have bothered even getting baptized.

In case you are wondering, we did make it home without breaking down yet again! We got the new part and the truck is running, for now!

I have been back on Prozac for 2 weeks now. I am doing so well on it! I have been sleeping great and feeling great. Today I felt so productive! There are time where I struggle to do anything except sit on the couch and watch TV. Today I didn’t even touch the couch until 6 pm.