I have a really hard time socially. I always have. I'm part shy, part quiet, part closed up, part antisocial. It's not that I don't like talking to people, I really do. I struggle with new people and groups of people. Put the two together and it's very overwhelming. The number thing I hate about moving into a new ward at church is people. It’s so hard for me to open up to new people. I don’t like meeting new people or talking to them. Heck, I didn't want to open up to Grace the first time I met her, yet I did and it has been great.
I still have to talk to my new bishop. Being in counseling and moving is the worst! I wasn't dreading it that much and then I remembered what happened last time we moved while I was seeing James. It was so bad, I never want to deal with that again. So now I am willed with the fear that my new bishop, Bishop H, will be anti-counseling and rude just like Bishop S was!
I have a huge fear of rejection. Grace told me that most people do. I never thought of that before. She told me to look at this way- when you are talking to someone they fear rejection also, they want others to like them too.
Grace and I also talked about being an introvert vs. extrovert. We talked about (this) and how it isn't about outgoing vs. shy, it's where you get your energy from.
"Introverts (or those of us with introverted tendencies) tend to recharge by spending time alone. They lose energy from being around people for long periods of time, particularly large crowds.
Extroverts, on the other hand, gain energy from other people. Extroverts actually find their energy is sapped when they spend too much time alone. They recharge by being social."
—Beth Belle Cooper
Being an introvert doesn’t mean you always want to be alone or with others. There are time I want to be with others or talk to people. I love spending time time my husband or friends. I 100% get my energy from being alone! In fact Brad goes to bed about 2 hours before me. Not just because he has to wake up before me, but I need alone time at the end of the night! If I go to a party or gathering I usually come home drained because of all the people! I do enjoy it though, it just exhausts me!
We talked about my stress levels- Prozac is working great. I used to think that an anti-depressant numbed you, thus I refused to take them. I heard that it just masks all emotions and makes you unable
to feel. It is so not true at all. It makes me feel normal. I feel like I can feel negative emotions,
positive emotions, feel them when I need to, but also don’t have all the negativity/ depression
weighing me down.
I’m trying to just let what is going on with Grandpa be what it is. I can’t change things. I can’t
control anything. It is what it is. Yes, I am sad he didn’t truly change and that is okay. It's his problem.
I'm up to 4 positive things, out of 10. I'm getting there. At first I thought I would come up with them much faster/ easier then this. I didn't think it would be so hard. Maybe I'm being too picky, but I'm making sure I am 100% sure of an item/ word before I commit to it!
As I was leaving I mentioned that I’m feeling a little anxious about the anniversary of my mom’s
death coming up. It’s in just over a week, which will be between sessions.
We started moving 2 weeks ago. With Thanksgiving it was kinda crazy, but we finished and love it here! Maybe it's the new place or being on Prozac without repercussions, but I've been staying motivated! That never happens! My house is staying clean, I'm staying productive, dishes are (almost) always done, I spend less time watching TV and sitting on the couch. In fact I was sitting on the couch watching tv, which I always done once the kids are in bed, and I noticed the overflowing sink of dishes. I didn't want to, but I went in there and did them all! I feel so much better about myself and my house just by doing that!
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