9/8/15

So today Grandpa got the Melchizedek Priesthood. I was anxious about it. I thought that would be a great next step in my whole healing/ forgiving process. I was totally fine with it until it was happening. All of a sudden I was filled with this hurting again. I didn't feel mad at him at all. I wasn't upset that he was getting this priesthood. I just felt hurt and struggling not to lose it during the whole thing.  All I wanted to do was be alone and cry, which I am doing now. I am so ready to head home. I know my kids are not going to want to leave, which makes it that much harder to leave.

The weird part for me was the fact that Grandpa was ordained (am I even using the right word?) in the same office that was Bishop W's and also Bishop C. And, guess what? Bishop C was there! I couldn't help but sit there and wonder, does he remember? It was over 11 years ago when I told him about the abuse I was going through at the hands of Grandpa. And now here we are, in his same office that I told him those things, ordaining Grandpa an Elder in the church.

I feel bad saying it or thinking it, but I'm sure it is normal... Part of me feels like Heavenly Father should be mad at Grandpa for hurting me. As my cousin (whom I love dearly) was blessing him he said that God loves him. It reminded me that God loves everyone perfectly. He loves Grandpa just as much as he loves me, even though he has done bad things.

It was also interesting that the Youth Speaker talked about keep going. She said, when you feel like you can't take another step, like you can't keep going anymore, you do and that's when you grow the most.

Yesterday I posted a song along with the lyrics. I heard this song for the first time just a few weeks ago and it quickly became one of my new favorites.

On Sunday after the emotional ups and down I had a lot of time to think. Driving is one of my favorite places to just think. This song came on and as I was thinking about it and about my Grandpa I started to see things in a new light. As I heard, "Even when you're broken He's gonna love you" I all of a sudden pictured Grandpa as the "broken" one. It has been interesting as I have started to see Grandpa in this new light, as him as the broken one and as him being loved just as much as I am.