I never did share something that happened a few days ago. I guess I've hesitated on sharing because I feel deep shame about my negative thoughts and then I fear people will think badly about me for my thoughts and feelings. I need to brush those feelings aside and open up anyways. I'll start from the beginning.
For the past year now I've been living in this constant state of anxiety, always worrying "what bad is going to happened next?" When our truck broke down for the second time we had no money to fix it and my husbands car was also broke down. Ever since then my anxiety has been through the roof. We got it all fixed and I started to relax a little and what would happen, it broke down again. From the second my husband told me, my anxiety has been horrible!
My thoughts have been:
Great, another trial! Seriously having to put $2,500 into a car in 1 year is rough enough, now Heavenly Father expects us to do it all over again? I've can't handle this! We'll fix it and then what, a week later it will be broken down AGAIN. How much it is going to cost us to fix it this time?
It was broken down for 2 1/2 weeks and since I was planning on going out of town it needed to be fixed ASAP. Brad, thanks to our neighbor's help, thought he figured out the problem. He bought the new part and put it in and nothing... nothing happened. I broke down. I can't do this. I can't do this all over again. Why does Heavenly Father expect so much from me? Why can't things go right for just a little while, and no I don't count the 5 months between fixing the truck and it breaking down again a decent break! I seriously offered my husband $50 if he can keep that truck from breaking down for at least 12 months! We'll see.
As my emotions spiraled into rock bottom all I could think was, I'm done. The past 30 years of my life has been 1 trial after another. I don't even have time to catch my breath before another trial comes up. I look at others and it seems like they don't have any trials and never have. I'm serious my mother-in-law hasn't! Yet I am asked to take on so much. It is too much. I can not handle any more. I went to the bathroom and cried. I couldn't help by think, if this is what my life is going to be like, one trial after another without time for me to even catch my breath, then I'm done. I can't keep doing this. I kept telling God that he needed to magically fix our truck because I could NOT handle this.
Now this is the part that I feel so ashamed that I even thought, but I need to share it, it's part of my story and part of who I am. As I sat in the bathroom thinking that life is never, ever, going to be trial free for me I started to wonder... If I were to take all the Wellbutrin I have, what would it do to me? I kept trying to push that crazy thought out of my mind. Minutes later Brad came into our room and told me, "I am going to take the truck to get more gas in it. Tomorrow can you go to Auto Zone and get a new one of these?" I instantly started laughing and crying, "WHAT?" Brad explained that he decided to check something else and found another problem, which might have been the only problem we just didn't know it and found a way to fix it.
After he left to get more gas in the truck all I could think was that God really is so aware of all the little things going on in our lives. When I was thinking I couldn't take it any more and that God needed to magically fix our truck, he kind of did! Now, I'm still having major anxiety about the dumb truck because it is still acting up, but hey it is running just not perfectly! Now I need a break. A very, very long break!
You hear me, PLEASE oh please give me just 12 months of no trials. Can we do that? Just 12 months of a break. Please?
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