8/30/15

I was at the store with Grandma and both my kids and myself all had to go to the bathroom. Em and I went into the woman's and Brax went into the men's. When we came out my mom tells me I shouldn't do that and that Brax was going to get molested and I needed to use the Family Bathroom. Sometimes I do use it. But I also see it as a double edged sword. Yes, I can see both my kids and know they are safe, however they are getting old enough that I don't want them to go to the bathroom in front of each other all the time. Plus, I had to go too, so that's more inappropriate then anything!  For the record, yes I had thought that Brax using the bathroom alone isn't the safest thing and it does make me anxious. He is stubborn and refuses to use the woman's bathroom now, which is normal for boys! If he has been in the bathroom too long for my comfort I do start worrying, things like this do cross my mind.

As I texted Brad about it later I was glad he felt the same way I do about it, not the biggest deal! I then replied, "Where was this concern 15 years ago? Plus in that case our kids can never be babysat, babysit, go to school or spend more then 30 seconds alone with someone, even family!" My honest opinion is you can not prevent sexual abuse from happening, just like you can't prevent a car accident that isn't your fault. You can however talk to your kids about it so they know how to recognize abuse in all forms and make them feel comfortable enough talking to you that if something did happen they will talk about it.

I flashed back to a few years ago. I shared this article on my Facebook page and it sparked a heated debate between 2 people that I know. 1 of them is against talking to kids about sexual abuse and 1 is for it. Personally, I am for it and I talk to my 4 and 5-year old kids about it in ways that are appropriate for them. Mostly right now our conversations are don't let anyone touch you or hurt you and if they do it's okay to tell mom and dad. As they get older we will go into more details. The "for talking about sexual abuse person" (my cousin) worded it so perfectly, "if parents don't talk to their children about what abuse looks like, they won't know and won't report it. There are healthy age appropriate ways you can do that with kids. it's not about fear.. Talking to kids about what is out there helps them process things so they don't 'manufacture' thoughts."

My thoughts on this are, if you never talk to them about it at all, then how can they recognize it to begin with? I did not recognize what Jack did to me as sexual abuse until I was 20! Because I didn't know anything about sexual abuse, I didn't tell anyone! At 13 the only way to explain what was happened was thinking and saying that Jack liked me, that was why he did what he did. I didn't feel the need, or comfortable enough telling anyone (except my 8th grade English teacher) about what Jack did to me. Since I never talk about it instead of it being a once or twice thing, it happened for 2 to 3 years!

I posted this on my personal blog, so I don't think it's ever been posted here. Here is it- (FYI, unless they have read this blog, my family doesn't know about my Grandpa's verbal abuse and such)

"After an especially amazing day at church yesterday, it got me thinking... Sacrament and Relief Society were both on trials (Brax was sleeping, so we missed Sunday School). Both the talks and the lesson were so great. It really made me think how truly grateful I am for trials and the person I’ve become.

"I know I’ve posted previously about some personal things, but I have left things vague because I don’t believe it’s the right time to post so publicly. At one time, after posting about my experiences and the fact that I had gone to counseling there was a rumor going around that Brad was abusive. Rest assured, it has never been my husband!

"I’m not sure why, maybe someone out there needs to read this, but I feel that I need to share part of my story now...

"I started seeing a counselor at LDS Family Services when I was 18. Just after I turned 19 I finally decided my life needed to change. The next day I met my amazing husband at church. 6 ½ months after we met we got married. From the time I starting counseling to the time I got married was 10 months. In that time I completely changed. I found healing and forgiveness and for the first time in 12 years I was happy.

"We decided to have a baby right away. 3 months later we decided to move out of state. In the mist of being a newlywed, trying to get pregnant, moving to a town where we knew no one and had no jobs, I was troubled by some new, came out of no-where, memories. At first I was confused, How did that happen? And most importantly, how on earth did I block it out for 6 years?!?

"From the time I was about 13 up until I was about 15 I was sexually abused by a person I will refer to as “J”. To clarify, he is not related to me and I don’t think anyone in my family (except maybe my sister?) even knows him.

"After we moved, got jobs and all settled I started counseling again. I was so optimistic, which is funny because I never wanted to go to counseling the first time and yet it completely changed my life! So, I started counseling again just after I turned 20. It went horribly bad. I mean, the guy I saw was just awful! After 3 months of doing nothing at all to help me, he told me we were done and I was all healed. Needless to say, I cancelled my last appointment. I gave up on counseling and decided to just try to move on with my life.

"3 years later I finally broke down and went back to counseling (saw someone different this time!). I’m glad I did! I saw this counselor for 9 months, then we ended for just over a year and I went back to seeing him for another 9 months. I had a great experience and found a lot of healing and closure.

"I can’t describe the person I was 18, other than completely miserable! I honestly thought that when I got married and had a family of my own I would then be happy, but my past would still hurt. I had no idea that my life could be filled with so much peace. It was almost 6 years from the time I started seeing my first counselor until I finished seeing my last one. It was worth it, hard at time, very painful a lot of the time, but I can’t imagine how I would feel if I had never dealt with these things!

"By the time we had been married for just over a year and were still trying to get pregnant, I remember thinking, there is NO way I will have another trial right now. I felt like I had 4 different peoples trials all packed into the first 20 years of my life! I’ve been abused by 2 different people (again, neither of which is my husband, he is wonderful!), my mom died unexpectedly when I was 7 ( I’ve never blogged about it, but it was rougher then I’m sure most people think) and then struggling with infertility (which still is hard at time. I’ve had two chemical pregnancies and one adoption that after waiting 8 months through the “pregnancy”, didn’t happen.)

"It’s weird that say that I am so grateful for the trials I’ve had and how they have made me into who I am today. I'm not perfect, not even close. My house is never clean. My children are constantly crying/ fighting (and running around naked!). I constantly feel like a bad mother. And I am not patient with my children at all!

"Sometimes I express feelings that are negative. Sometimes I talk about personal things that have happened in my life or to me that are also negative. It’s not that I see everything as bad. It’s not that I’m not grateful for what I have. I just express my feelings... something that I wasn’t able to do until 10 years ago.

"I feel it is more important to express my feelings (even the negative ones) rather than bottle them up or ignore them! Writing has always been my way to actually express my feelings, so I blog! I love it. I love being able to write and write about how I feel.

"I have debated for years on if I want to make my blog private or not. At times I have been told that my thoughts or feelings are wrong. I’ve been told how I should or shouldn’t be feelings and such. But at the same time I feel like if I made it private I would be hiding my thoughts and feelings all over again.

"It has been so crazy and stressful running my own business and trying to be a full time mom! I work at the store about 55 hours a week and at home an additional 18 hours or so. It is insane but I am doing my best.

"As crazy and hectic as my life is right now I’m grateful that I can feel that peace and comfort about my past and about my trials."