8/23/15

I had another amazing session with Grace. We talked about so many different things I feel like I have already forgotten most of what we talked about!

Last time we talked a lot about my Grandpa. I have been stressing and agonizing over his upcoming endowment. I knew that I could not confront him about the abuse. I can never talk to him about it, even if it was to tell him I've forgiven him. I started working on a letter to him last week and didn't get very far. Last night I felt this urgency to get it done. I wanted to finish it. I needed to finish it. I wrote things I wish I could tell him, questions I wish I could ask him and about the pain and hurt I have felt over the years.

As I was working on the letter I pulled out my old notebook from when the abuse was going on, just before I moved out. I had e-mails and instant messages from Hayley and I. It was crazy to look back and read those. Sometimes I forget how much pain I was in back then. I forget just how hard everyday life was for me.

By the end of the letter I kept thinking, I am grateful that I went through the abuse, because it made me who I am today. I love the person I've become over the past 12 years. I wouldn't trade my experiences and the way they molded me into who I've become for anything. So for that I am glad I went through the abuse.

I realized that I couldn't be both grateful for the abuse and mad at the person who abused me. I had to let one of them go and that was being mad at Grandpa. As I was on my way to my appointment I realized that I have felt that if I let got of that hurt then it would minimize the abuse. I realized this wasn't true. I can let go of the hurt and it isn't going to change how sever the abuse was. But, if I let go of the hurt then I would feel better about what happened.

I am feeling pretty good about my relationship with Grandpa right now. I feel 100% okay with him going through the temple. That was huge for me to get to a place where I didn't completely hate him and be okay with everything going on. When I told Brad his response was, "REALLY?!?!".

The next big thing we talked about that I want to share is me working on myself and my self image. Grace talked about separating a person from their behaviors. A person is not his or her behavior. It was something I've never really thought about before. It's interesting that for so long I have had a hard time separating Grandpa from his behaviors. He abused me, thus he IS abusive. That is just one of his behaviors, it's not who he truly is. Yet it was so easy for me just a few years ago to forgive my Em's birth mom, Jen. I posted about it here. Last night as I was writing the letter to Grandpa I actually started to contemplate separating him from his behavior. I tried to look at him differently. He abused me, but that is a learned behavior. Where did he learn it from, his dad abusing him!

When I was seeing Aaron one of the only helpful things that he told me was Jack had to learn it (sexual abuse) somewhere. At the age of 9 there are only a few ways he could have learned those things 1)someone sexually abused him or 2) from watching someone do it to someone else, like his parents or in porn.

I feel way sidetracked here... Moving on. My assignment for in between our sessions is come up with 10 positive qualities about myself. One of her suggestions that I liked the most was looking in my Patriarchal Blessing. It might not come right out and list positive qualities, but it might hint at some or lead into some. However, I can't write one down until I'm willing to accept it. For example, my husband tells me I'm kindl, I don't believe I am, so I can't write that down until I can accept that it is true.

It is SO hard for me to accept any compliment. As Grace explained I have a blocker up that keeps me from accepting positive things people say to me.

The last thing we talked about was actually hard for me to start talking about. Even though I felt slightly embarrassed talking about it, I also felt it was rather vital to my depression and what I am dealing with. We were still talking about the previous subject and I knew that we were almost done, but I was dying to get this out there. Even though I was feeling weird about the topic, I really needed to discuss this. It has been so hard for me and this is the first time I've been able to actually talk to a professional about it. As Grace continued to talk about the previous subject I kept thinking, okay, I need you to either lead into this conversation as ask me if I want to talk about something else! I am rather timid and I just can't bring myself to open up and say I need to talk about this... So, I sat there, praying she would change the subject or ask.

Within a few minutes she asked, "Is there anything else you want to talk about?" Um, yes actually there is... Once the conversation started going I didn't feel as embarrassed about it. It is easy for me to write things because I'm not sitting here talking to you face to face. Brad laughed when I told him that I felt weird at first talking to her about my period, after all it's another woman who would completely understand. Maybe it was weird for me because I'm used to dealing with men! All my experiences in counseling for the past 11 years I've seen only men and both OBGYNs I've seen, in addition to my physician, are ALL men! So it was a new experiencing talking to a woman about female problems!

Not sure if I have written about this or not, if I have it's been over a year so I'll write anyways. To say I have irregular periods is an understatement.  The upside, that so many woman tell me they are jealous of, I go months between my cycles! I average maybe 6 to 8 months between. However, once my period does start, it does not stop. And by does not stop I mean, if I didn't take a medication it would NEVER stop. Seriously, I have bleed every single day for up to 9 months before until I took a medication to force it to stop! I'm rather used to it at this point. Last year the day I started Prozac my period also started, okay, no big deal, let it go a little while and then go on my stopping medication. Went to my doctor and got the medication. It was supposed to make my period stop for 10 days, it didn't. Then I always have a completely normal cycle, which I didn't. It got to the point that I was weak and sick that I could hardly move. I would get up out of bed, sit on the couch and only get up when I had to go to the bathroom. Every time I moved more then 5 feet my heart would start racing. I had no energy and I felt like the life was literally being drained out of me. After the "normal cycle" then my period stops for several months, it didn't. In fact, I only bleed worse and worse and worse! Out of desperation I abruptly stopped taking Prozac, my period ended.

That's great right? My period stopped, but so did my anti-depressant! Because I had to quit taking it, and so abruptly, I quickly hit rock bottom! The past 14 months has been an endless cycle of go on an anti-depressant, feel great, have to go off, hit rock bottom, go back on anti-depressant, have to go off, go on and go off. This has been so, extremely emotionally draining. All the ups and downs have not been good for me. Going from feeling 100% to 0% overnight feels completely devastating! It got to the point that when I was off my anti-depressant I would refuse to go back on because I knew eventually I'll have to go off of it yet again!

Grace actually brought up a hysterectomy, which I have been seriously contemplating having done. She suggested writing up pros and cons. I sat there for a minute and said, the only con is how much it is going to cost even with insurance! My husband is 100% on board with it being done and is willing to accept it no matter how much it costs. One hesitation I've had is I have felt like unless my period has been going for a long time or is extremely heavy that no doctor will take me seriously enough to actually perform a hysterectomy. I just need to go for it!!!

It was great to actually be able to talk to Grace about these things! As Grace put it, she is going to be giving me new tools to use. If/ when I am off the anti-depressant I can use these tools to go from functioning at 50% up to maybe 80%. Sounds perfect to me! I love that I don't feel pressured to go off the medication. I have come to accept that maybe I will need to be on them forever, that is okay. At the same time, I feel it is important to also seek counseling, which is why I am seeing Grace in the first place.

Not on to the title of this post, "Gotta be something more". For a long time, like since I was seeing James 5+ years ago, I have felt like there is something more I should/ want to do with my life. Now, I love being a mom and throw on top of that working full time running my business my life is plenty crazy, busy and full. But still, I feel like something is missing. I want to do something else, something more. I haven't been able to exactly pinpoint what that is yet. I do know that I have this strong desire to help others. I have thought about going back to college and getting a degree and becoming a therapist, but that doesn't feel like it is right for me. I want to do something, but what? Maybe it is just this blog. But then I start doubting myself, I mean, how many people actually read this, who is this actually helping? I have always wanted to write a book, let me rephrase that, I have written a book, but I'm too chicken and scared of rejection to even think about attempting to get it published! So I am here, feeling like I want to do something more, but can't seem to figure out exactly what that is yet!