8/12/15

I had my second visit with Grace. Again I felt that she is so perfect for me right now! It felt good to be able to discuss things and not feel ashamed and feel able to be 100% open and honest! 

One of the next things she asked was what are my 3 main stresses right now. I listed
1. my kids- not that they are bad, but being a parent is SO stressful!
2. my business- I have a love/hate relationship with it right now. I love crafting and making money, but sometimes I hate dealing with customers! 
3. My secret issue... which is what we focused on and I decided to make it public. 
As I left I realized I have a 4th one that actually causes me more stress then my business- My health!
This causes me to much stress and anxiety! Just over a year ago I was on Prozac and took my normal medication to regulate my cycle and the combination of the 2 nearly killed me. I had to quit taking Prozac and have been off and on it ever since. Now I keep having anxiety about how will this new medication react with my cycle one, how bad is my cycles going to get, will I ever be able to get a hysterectomy? Man, this just might be my #1 stress!!! How did I forget about this? 

Recently I've mentioned something going on, but I wasn't ready to disclose the details. I mainly was doing that because I didn't want my family who might read this to know my true feelings about the subject until after it was over. After talking to Grace I've decided that I need to be open and honest with my feelings, even if my family might not agree with them...

My Grandpa is getting endowed in the temple. This has been rough on me.  

I feel so much better about my feelings (aka not so guilty) after talking to Grace. I always thought that once the forgiveness happened there would be no back-steps and I'd have to work through more feelings and try to re-achieve forgiveness. Knowing that I'm not the only one who has gone through this makes me feel less guilty.

I'm not going to deny the fact that Grandpa hurt me. Not physically, but so much deep emotional hurt. I have been told to "forgive and forget" and to "just get over it". I know that I need to forgive him. I also know it is a process and I need to work through my feelings.

We talked about me actually confronting Grandpa about the abuse. Not in a aggressive way, but in an assertive way to express how I really feel. I know this will NOT go over well, so I'm trying to figure out a way to express my feelings without it being disastrous! I need to remind myself that I'm doing this for me, not for him or my family.

Homework: Go through my binder from Group #2 (healing from sexual abuse) and read articles about forgiveness.