8/18/15

I've gone through a weird series of thoughts today... This morning I was thinking about how things are going with Grace. Last week we focused on my feelings about my Grandpa and his upcoming endowment. I pretty much cried the entire time. I've had so many different thoughts and feelings going on. I had something stuck in my head "he will truly mourn". I knew I had read it in SOLE, so I got out my binder and started looking. Thankfully it was in the first section so I didn't have to look very long.

It is from "A Refuge for the Oppressed"
"I have realized that my father’s repentance is his job, not mine. I’m not sure Dad understands how much he has hurt his children and others. When the day comes that he does, I know he will truly mourn."

When I was done reading that paragraph I flipped through my SOLE binder and looked through the different things I have in there. In the back of it are some articles that Bishop R gave me when I stopped seeing Aaron. Then my mind flashed to when I was seeing Aaron. Just 1 year earlier when I was seeing Joy it was so hard for me to open up to her. Most of the sessions were spent with her talking and me saying yes, no or my favorite- I don't know. Then there I was with Aaron, opening up to him, pouring my heart out to him trying to get the help I desperately wanted and needed and I got nothing from him! I would tell him "I am struggling with this flashbacks about what Jack did. What can I do to make them stop?" He never, not once, answered me. He would change the subject or ask other non-related questions.

At the end of that line of thoughts I then started thinking about how I told my 8th grade English teacher about the sexual abuse. When I first realized that I had told her about it (back in 2006) I was so angry about it. How could she do nothing? Don't teachers legally have to report stuff like this? Peace finally came when I realized, she must not have read what I had wrote. I must of been 1 of 100+ students, each who had 25 page reports. I still sometimes wonder, did she read it? However, I am no longer angry about it. I started wondering if I ever wrote anywhere else about the abuse with Jack. I went to my room and got my journal that I started back in 1998!

As I flipped through all my journal entries I worked my way up to when I was in high school, my senior year to be exact. I was in Sister Parker's seminary class. One day I wrote, "good people have hard tests." I've been struggling with my overwhelming about of trials lately. At times I can't seem to catch my breath before something else is going wrong!