8/5/15

I was nervous all day. The night before I waited and waited and waited in hopes that Lydia would call me back to set up an appointment. If she did then that meant I could cancel my appointment at LDS Family Services. Since she never called I knew I needed to go forward with it. Once I found a babysitter things became real! Every time I said I didn't want to go through with it my husband kept saying, "What if she's the best counselor you've ever had?!"

I pulled into the parking lot and sat there for a minute wondering WHY I was once again seeking counseling at LDSFS. I tried to convince myself I was fine, why do I need to come! I finally got out and went in. The second I walked in the door I saw a woman talking to someone else. I knew instantly that was the counselor I would be seeing. I was right. I filled out the forms, took a questionnaire and we got started.

Her name is Grace (as always it's not her real name). I must say, I was so very skeptical about going through LDSFS again. I went there not wanting to be there, not wanting to like Grace, not wanting to open up to her. The second I walked in the door and saw her, I knew that she IS who I am supposed to see and all my negative feelings went away! I was able to open up to her as if I had known her my whole life, which is amazing for me! I don't usually trust people right away. It was easy for me to feel comfortable and like I could trust her instantly!

Our first session was great! It went like I had hoped, if not better. Not only did it feel great for me to be able to open up to Grace, but I also felt that we were more on the same page then Joy and I were. Don't get me wrong, if Joy didn't live so far away I would have continued to see her. I felt as if Joy was trying to convince me that depression is all mental and if I changed my thought I would fix the depression. When I told this to Grace her response blew me away. She believes that it is not mental and nothing will magically make it go away, what she does is give me tools to cope with the depression, not make it go away!

One thing I did not foresee, sobbing so hard that I couldn't even get words out! Seriously  self?!?! I felt semi-ridiculous, but at the same time I realized how deep my feelings about the subject are! It's something I have been putting off talking about on here, maybe once things are over and done with I will post more details. Anyways, this subject was one of the reason I wanted to go back to counseling ASAP.

Needless to say before the session was even over I knew that she was perfect for! I felt like she really listened to me, didn't minimize anything, didn't question things with Jack (yes, I have had professionals not believe me that Jack could have done anything to me because he was younger then me!!!), she gave me homework to do before I go back. If I had a list of every trait I wanted in a counselor, she would have all of them!!!

I kept thinking how lucky I am for ended up with someone I really like on my first try! Aaron really messed me up when it comes to trusting counselors. Every time I see (or talk to about personal stuff) I always fear it will be just like it was with Aaron. I have put off counseling many times out of fear of ended up with another Aaron!

As I left I couldn't help but re-play some of my thoughts and feelings I've had over the past few weeks and saw where they lead me. I felt so drawn to Carol, like she was who I was supposed to see. Even after I was told I couldn't see her, I still felt drawn to her. Because of my strong feelings that I should see Carol I told my Bishop that I wanted to go to LDSFS. If it wasn't for Carol working there, being in my ward and me hoping to see her, I never would have gone back to LDSFS! Which is how I am now seeing Grace. If it wasn't for the constant feeling I had that I was supposed to see Carol I never would have ended up going to Grace! And for whatever reason, Lydia still has not called me back. Had she called me back before seeing Grace I would not have gone back to LDFS!

I just have to laugh right now.... I published this post at 1:47 and at 2:01 Lydia called me back!!! I told her I have found someone else.