I realized something recently after a visit with Grace. In dealing with the depression and seeing both Joy and Grace, they both discussed changing my thought process. One big difference I've found is with Joy it was more about pinpointing the negative thoughts and getting rid of them. I didn't realize how many negative thoughts I had! It did make a difference once I realized what they were and how often they came. Now with Grace, I've noticed her approach is more from a positive side. Realize what my positive qualities are and in this last visit we talked about changing my distorted thoughts. We went through this list and picked things I want to/ need to work on and how to change these thoughts. For me, it has been a lot easier to replace the negative ones then try to dismiss them all together.
(sorry this picture turned out horrible, I'll replace it with a readable one soon!)
My first one on the list is Disqualifying the positive. It doesn't matter how many compliments people can give me, I always brush it off as nothing. I think maybe my problem is that I just don't even know how to respond. Growing up I didn't get positive compliments or any sort of validation. Everything was always negative, or I didn't do it good enough. On my way home I thought of something that happened when I was 16. I used to love photography. It was my life. I loved photographing nature. While on a vacation I took a picture of a water lily that was in this bucket, I think we were at a zoo. A month of so later I submitted this picture I took into this high school photography contest for our school district. The picture got 3rd place in it's category. It might not sounds like it was much, but it was a big deal. Want to know one of the main things I remember about that, Grandpa telling me, "You should have picked that dead leaf off the plant before taking the picture."
Okay, now let me back up to during my visit with Grace. We talked about how I disqualify positive comments/ compliments. It really sunk in when Grace asked me, "Do you ever give a positive compliment and NOT mean it?" I thought about it and realized, no I don't! When I say something like that, I always mean it. Which was her point. Someone doesn't go out of their way to give you a compliment unless they really mean it. I never thought about it like that! How to replace this distortion is instead of brushing it off, say Thank you.
Let me bring up one other thing I struggle with. I have this constant paranoia that people don't like me/ don't even realize I exist. At the same time I want people to like me and acknowledge me. So that bring me to tonight. We were at a ward party and as some people were leaving a lady came over and said, "If I don't talk to you before then, good luck with your surgery!" I thought, okay now I get to actually try out this not disqualifying it thing. I smiled and told her thanks. She said something else, but my mind was a blur because I actually did it. My normal way I respond to compliments is "okay". No really, it is! In fact when Grace said the same thing to me, my response was okay! This lady continued and said something else (don't ask what, my mind was still kind of spinning) that was nice/ positive and I again said thanks. As she walked away I realized that I actually felt like she cared! That never happens to me! I felt good and I felt like she actually meant it and cared, that's a first for me. Instead of brushing it off like I used to do and it leaving no real effect on me, this time saying thanks and not dismissing it made a huge difference!
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