I was at the store with Grandma and both my kids and myself all had to go to the bathroom. Em and I went into the woman's and Brax went into the men's. When we came out my mom tells me I shouldn't do that and that Brax was going to get molested and I needed to use the Family Bathroom. Sometimes I do use it. But I also see it as a double edged sword. Yes, I can see both my kids and know they are safe, however they are getting old enough that I don't want them to go to the bathroom in front of each other all the time. Plus, I had to go too, so that's more inappropriate then anything! For the record, yes I had thought that Brax using the bathroom alone isn't the safest thing and it does make me anxious. He is stubborn and refuses to use the woman's bathroom now, which is normal for boys! If he has been in the bathroom too long for my comfort I do start worrying, things like this do cross my mind.
As I texted Brad about it later I was glad he felt the same way I do about it, not the biggest deal! I then replied, "Where was this concern 15 years ago? Plus in that case our kids can never be babysat, babysit, go to school or spend more then 30 seconds alone with someone, even family!" My honest opinion is you can not prevent sexual abuse from happening, just like you can't prevent a car accident that isn't your fault. You can however talk to your kids about it so they know how to recognize abuse in all forms and make them feel comfortable enough talking to you that if something did happen they will talk about it.
I flashed back to a few years ago. I shared this article on my Facebook page and it sparked a heated debate between 2 people that I know. 1 of them is against talking to kids about sexual abuse and 1 is for it. Personally, I am for it and I talk to my 4 and 5-year old kids about it in ways that are appropriate for them. Mostly right now our conversations are don't let anyone touch you or hurt you and if they do it's okay to tell mom and dad. As they get older we will go into more details. The "for talking about sexual abuse person" (my cousin) worded it so perfectly, "if parents don't talk to their children about what abuse looks like, they won't know and won't report it. There are healthy age appropriate ways you can do that with kids. it's not about fear.. Talking to kids about what is out there helps them process things so they don't 'manufacture' thoughts."
My thoughts on this are, if you never talk to them about it at all, then how can they recognize it to begin with? I did not recognize what Jack did to me as sexual abuse until I was 20! Because I didn't know anything about sexual abuse, I didn't tell anyone! At 13 the only way to explain what was happened was thinking and saying that Jack liked me, that was why he did what he did. I didn't feel the need, or comfortable enough telling anyone (except my 8th grade English teacher) about what Jack did to me. Since I never talk about it instead of it being a once or twice thing, it happened for 2 to 3 years!
I posted this on my personal blog, so I don't think it's ever been posted here. Here is it- (FYI, unless they have read this blog, my family doesn't know about my Grandpa's verbal abuse and such)
"After an especially amazing day at church yesterday, it got me thinking... Sacrament and Relief Society were both on trials (Brax was sleeping, so we missed Sunday School). Both the talks and the lesson were so great. It really made me think how truly grateful I am for trials and the person I’ve become.
"I know I’ve posted previously about some personal things, but I have left things vague because I don’t believe it’s the right time to post so publicly. At one time, after posting about my experiences and the fact that I had gone to counseling there was a rumor going around that Brad was abusive. Rest assured, it has never been my husband!
"I’m not sure why, maybe someone out there needs to read this, but I feel that I need to share part of my story now...
"I started seeing a counselor at LDS Family Services when I was 18. Just after I turned 19 I finally decided my life needed to change. The next day I met my amazing husband at church. 6 ½ months after we met we got married. From the time I starting counseling to the time I got married was 10 months. In that time I completely changed. I found healing and forgiveness and for the first time in 12 years I was happy.
"We decided to have a baby right away. 3 months later we decided to move out of state. In the mist of being a newlywed, trying to get pregnant, moving to a town where we knew no one and had no jobs, I was troubled by some new, came out of no-where, memories. At first I was confused, How did that happen? And most importantly, how on earth did I block it out for 6 years?!?
"From the time I was about 13 up until I was about 15 I was sexually abused by a person I will refer to as “J”. To clarify, he is not related to me and I don’t think anyone in my family (except maybe my sister?) even knows him.
"After we moved, got jobs and all settled I started counseling again. I was so optimistic, which is funny because I never wanted to go to counseling the first time and yet it completely changed my life! So, I started counseling again just after I turned 20. It went horribly bad. I mean, the guy I saw was just awful! After 3 months of doing nothing at all to help me, he told me we were done and I was all healed. Needless to say, I cancelled my last appointment. I gave up on counseling and decided to just try to move on with my life.
"3 years later I finally broke down and went back to counseling (saw someone different this time!). I’m glad I did! I saw this counselor for 9 months, then we ended for just over a year and I went back to seeing him for another 9 months. I had a great experience and found a lot of healing and closure.
"I can’t describe the person I was 18, other than completely miserable! I honestly thought that when I got married and had a family of my own I would then be happy, but my past would still hurt. I had no idea that my life could be filled with so much peace. It was almost 6 years from the time I started seeing my first counselor until I finished seeing my last one. It was worth it, hard at time, very painful a lot of the time, but I can’t imagine how I would feel if I had never dealt with these things!
"By the time we had been married for just over a year and were still trying to get pregnant, I remember thinking, there is NO way I will have another trial right now. I felt like I had 4 different peoples trials all packed into the first 20 years of my life! I’ve been abused by 2 different people (again, neither of which is my husband, he is wonderful!), my mom died unexpectedly when I was 7 ( I’ve never blogged about it, but it was rougher then I’m sure most people think) and then struggling with infertility (which still is hard at time. I’ve had two chemical pregnancies and one adoption that after waiting 8 months through the “pregnancy”, didn’t happen.)
"It’s weird that say that I am so grateful for the trials I’ve had and how they have made me into who I am today. I'm not perfect, not even close. My house is never clean. My children are constantly crying/ fighting (and running around naked!). I constantly feel like a bad mother. And I am not patient with my children at all!
"Sometimes I express feelings that are negative. Sometimes I talk about personal things that have happened in my life or to me that are also negative. It’s not that I see everything as bad. It’s not that I’m not grateful for what I have. I just express my feelings... something that I wasn’t able to do until 10 years ago.
"I feel it is more important to express my feelings (even the negative ones) rather than bottle them up or ignore them! Writing has always been my way to actually express my feelings, so I blog! I love it. I love being able to write and write about how I feel.
"I have debated for years on if I want to make my blog private or not. At times I have been told that my thoughts or feelings are wrong. I’ve been told how I should or shouldn’t be feelings and such. But at the same time I feel like if I made it private I would be hiding my thoughts and feelings all over again.
"It has been so crazy and stressful running my own business and trying to be a full time mom! I work at the store about 55 hours a week and at home an additional 18 hours or so. It is insane but I am doing my best.
"As crazy and hectic as my life is right now I’m grateful that I can feel that peace and comfort about my past and about my trials."
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
8/28/15
Last night while on my bike ride I had a series of thoughts that lead to me remembering something. I was thinking about my (possible) up coming hysterectomy. It reminded me when I got my wisdom teeth out when I was 16. I was taking the prescribed pain killers and I kept throwing up. Finally Hayley told me to stop taking the prescription and take something over the counter instead. I instantly stopped throwing up and wasn't in much pain either.
At 16 I knew something had to be done with the prescription. If I did not dispose of them then Grandma would steal them and take them. I took them and flushed them down the toilet. A day or two later Grandma asked me where the prescription was. Needless to say, she was not happy with me when I told her I flushed them!
I find it interesting the things I forget, or maybe I'm purposely blocking out as I get older. Up until last night I didn't remember at all Grandma's pill addiction. I remember how depressed she was and how she wasn't there for me at all, but not the pills.
I often forget how sad my world was growing up. How sad it is that at 16 I knew I had to get rid of a prescription painkiller so that my Grandma wouldn't steal them. And at 7 I knew that I needed to hide my emotions about being sad my mom died! The other day I was thinking about how odd that is that I didn't cry and no one thought anything about it. Em is almost 6, 13 months away from the age I was when my mom died. I can't imagine Brad dying and her not crying about it. If she didn't I would think something was majorly wrong and try to fix it. It boogles my mind that I reacted the way I did to my mom's death and no one either noticed, or cared or did anything about it.
At 16 I knew something had to be done with the prescription. If I did not dispose of them then Grandma would steal them and take them. I took them and flushed them down the toilet. A day or two later Grandma asked me where the prescription was. Needless to say, she was not happy with me when I told her I flushed them!
I find it interesting the things I forget, or maybe I'm purposely blocking out as I get older. Up until last night I didn't remember at all Grandma's pill addiction. I remember how depressed she was and how she wasn't there for me at all, but not the pills.
I often forget how sad my world was growing up. How sad it is that at 16 I knew I had to get rid of a prescription painkiller so that my Grandma wouldn't steal them. And at 7 I knew that I needed to hide my emotions about being sad my mom died! The other day I was thinking about how odd that is that I didn't cry and no one thought anything about it. Em is almost 6, 13 months away from the age I was when my mom died. I can't imagine Brad dying and her not crying about it. If she didn't I would think something was majorly wrong and try to fix it. It boogles my mind that I reacted the way I did to my mom's death and no one either noticed, or cared or did anything about it.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
8/27/15
I've been weighing out the Pros and Cons about getting a hysterectomy. Over a year ago when I talked to my doctor about it I was excited! Yes, let's do this!
I've had a year to think about it. There's a part of me that wants another child, but my husband doesn't. He has always said that IF we have another it would have to come out of me. Even though I have no plans of ever doing any fertility treatments again, a hysterectomy makes it very final that we will never ever have a biological child. Even though we have 11+ years of not being able to conceive even with help, it is still hard to come to terms that if I go through with it then there is a 0% chance of ever getting pregnant. I know, right now there is most likely already a 0% chance I ever will, but there is always that small glimmer of hope. Just maybe, one day we will magically conceive a miracle baby.
A year ago I was so okay with that. Now I need to let myself be sad that I will be closing that door. I keep reminding myself that it is okay, and totally normal, to be sad. I remind myself that it is for the best. Would I rather hold on to this crazy idea that maybe, someday I might get pregnant naturally OR no longer have to worry about my dangerously unhealthy cycles, painful cramps and painful cysts? It really is a no brainier. I WANT a hysterectomy. I need it. I already know it will be worth it. Yet, I keep putting off actually doing anything about it. Every time my cycle starts and I can't get it to stop, or I have painful cysts a lot I reach the point that I am done and ready for a hysterectomy. Maybe for now I will wait it out until I hit that point again.
My Pros and Cons:
Pros-
Cons-
I've had a year to think about it. There's a part of me that wants another child, but my husband doesn't. He has always said that IF we have another it would have to come out of me. Even though I have no plans of ever doing any fertility treatments again, a hysterectomy makes it very final that we will never ever have a biological child. Even though we have 11+ years of not being able to conceive even with help, it is still hard to come to terms that if I go through with it then there is a 0% chance of ever getting pregnant. I know, right now there is most likely already a 0% chance I ever will, but there is always that small glimmer of hope. Just maybe, one day we will magically conceive a miracle baby.
A year ago I was so okay with that. Now I need to let myself be sad that I will be closing that door. I keep reminding myself that it is okay, and totally normal, to be sad. I remind myself that it is for the best. Would I rather hold on to this crazy idea that maybe, someday I might get pregnant naturally OR no longer have to worry about my dangerously unhealthy cycles, painful cramps and painful cysts? It really is a no brainier. I WANT a hysterectomy. I need it. I already know it will be worth it. Yet, I keep putting off actually doing anything about it. Every time my cycle starts and I can't get it to stop, or I have painful cysts a lot I reach the point that I am done and ready for a hysterectomy. Maybe for now I will wait it out until I hit that point again.
My Pros and Cons:
Pros-
- No more cycles
- can stay on anti-depressant medication
- No more cysts (as long as they take my ovaries)
- Won't get anemic anymore due to my cycles
- Can keep exercising
- No more cramps
Cons-
- Financially
Yep, totally worth it!
Sunday, August 23, 2015
8/23/15
I had another amazing session with Grace. We talked about so many different things I feel like I have already forgotten most of what we talked about!
Last time we talked a lot about my Grandpa. I have been stressing and agonizing over his upcoming endowment. I knew that I could not confront him about the abuse. I can never talk to him about it, even if it was to tell him I've forgiven him. I started working on a letter to him last week and didn't get very far. Last night I felt this urgency to get it done. I wanted to finish it. I needed to finish it. I wrote things I wish I could tell him, questions I wish I could ask him and about the pain and hurt I have felt over the years.
As I was working on the letter I pulled out my old notebook from when the abuse was going on, just before I moved out. I had e-mails and instant messages from Hayley and I. It was crazy to look back and read those. Sometimes I forget how much pain I was in back then. I forget just how hard everyday life was for me.
By the end of the letter I kept thinking, I am grateful that I went through the abuse, because it made me who I am today. I love the person I've become over the past 12 years. I wouldn't trade my experiences and the way they molded me into who I've become for anything. So for that I am glad I went through the abuse.
I realized that I couldn't be both grateful for the abuse and mad at the person who abused me. I had to let one of them go and that was being mad at Grandpa. As I was on my way to my appointment I realized that I have felt that if I let got of that hurt then it would minimize the abuse. I realized this wasn't true. I can let go of the hurt and it isn't going to change how sever the abuse was. But, if I let go of the hurt then I would feel better about what happened.
I am feeling pretty good about my relationship with Grandpa right now. I feel 100% okay with him going through the temple. That was huge for me to get to a place where I didn't completely hate him and be okay with everything going on. When I told Brad his response was, "REALLY?!?!".
The next big thing we talked about that I want to share is me working on myself and my self image. Grace talked about separating a person from their behaviors. A person is not his or her behavior. It was something I've never really thought about before. It's interesting that for so long I have had a hard time separating Grandpa from his behaviors. He abused me, thus he IS abusive. That is just one of his behaviors, it's not who he truly is. Yet it was so easy for me just a few years ago to forgive my Em's birth mom, Jen. I posted about it here. Last night as I was writing the letter to Grandpa I actually started to contemplate separating him from his behavior. I tried to look at him differently. He abused me, but that is a learned behavior. Where did he learn it from, his dad abusing him!
When I was seeing Aaron one of the only helpful things that he told me was Jack had to learn it (sexual abuse) somewhere. At the age of 9 there are only a few ways he could have learned those things 1)someone sexually abused him or 2) from watching someone do it to someone else, like his parents or in porn.
I feel way sidetracked here... Moving on. My assignment for in between our sessions is come up with 10 positive qualities about myself. One of her suggestions that I liked the most was looking in my Patriarchal Blessing. It might not come right out and list positive qualities, but it might hint at some or lead into some. However, I can't write one down until I'm willing to accept it. For example, my husband tells me I'm kindl, I don't believe I am, so I can't write that down until I can accept that it is true.
It is SO hard for me to accept any compliment. As Grace explained I have a blocker up that keeps me from accepting positive things people say to me.
The last thing we talked about was actually hard for me to start talking about. Even though I felt slightly embarrassed talking about it, I also felt it was rather vital to my depression and what I am dealing with. We were still talking about the previous subject and I knew that we were almost done, but I was dying to get this out there. Even though I was feeling weird about the topic, I really needed to discuss this. It has been so hard for me and this is the first time I've been able to actually talk to a professional about it. As Grace continued to talk about the previous subject I kept thinking, okay, I need you to either lead into this conversation as ask me if I want to talk about something else! I am rather timid and I just can't bring myself to open up and say I need to talk about this... So, I sat there, praying she would change the subject or ask.
Within a few minutes she asked, "Is there anything else you want to talk about?" Um, yes actually there is... Once the conversation started going I didn't feel as embarrassed about it. It is easy for me to write things because I'm not sitting here talking to you face to face. Brad laughed when I told him that I felt weird at first talking to her about my period, after all it's another woman who would completely understand. Maybe it was weird for me because I'm used to dealing with men! All my experiences in counseling for the past 11 years I've seen only men and both OBGYNs I've seen, in addition to my physician, are ALL men! So it was a new experiencing talking to a woman about female problems!
Not sure if I have written about this or not, if I have it's been over a year so I'll write anyways. To say I have irregular periods is an understatement. The upside, that so many woman tell me they are jealous of, I go months between my cycles! I average maybe 6 to 8 months between. However, once my period does start, it does not stop. And by does not stop I mean, if I didn't take a medication it would NEVER stop. Seriously, I have bleed every single day for up to 9 months before until I took a medication to force it to stop! I'm rather used to it at this point. Last year the day I started Prozac my period also started, okay, no big deal, let it go a little while and then go on my stopping medication. Went to my doctor and got the medication. It was supposed to make my period stop for 10 days, it didn't. Then I always have a completely normal cycle, which I didn't. It got to the point that I was weak and sick that I could hardly move. I would get up out of bed, sit on the couch and only get up when I had to go to the bathroom. Every time I moved more then 5 feet my heart would start racing. I had no energy and I felt like the life was literally being drained out of me. After the "normal cycle" then my period stops for several months, it didn't. In fact, I only bleed worse and worse and worse! Out of desperation I abruptly stopped taking Prozac, my period ended.
That's great right? My period stopped, but so did my anti-depressant! Because I had to quit taking it, and so abruptly, I quickly hit rock bottom! The past 14 months has been an endless cycle of go on an anti-depressant, feel great, have to go off, hit rock bottom, go back on anti-depressant, have to go off, go on and go off. This has been so, extremely emotionally draining. All the ups and downs have not been good for me. Going from feeling 100% to 0% overnight feels completely devastating! It got to the point that when I was off my anti-depressant I would refuse to go back on because I knew eventually I'll have to go off of it yet again!
Grace actually brought up a hysterectomy, which I have been seriously contemplating having done. She suggested writing up pros and cons. I sat there for a minute and said, the only con is how much it is going to cost even with insurance! My husband is 100% on board with it being done and is willing to accept it no matter how much it costs. One hesitation I've had is I have felt like unless my period has been going for a long time or is extremely heavy that no doctor will take me seriously enough to actually perform a hysterectomy. I just need to go for it!!!
It was great to actually be able to talk to Grace about these things! As Grace put it, she is going to be giving me new tools to use. If/ when I am off the anti-depressant I can use these tools to go from functioning at 50% up to maybe 80%. Sounds perfect to me! I love that I don't feel pressured to go off the medication. I have come to accept that maybe I will need to be on them forever, that is okay. At the same time, I feel it is important to also seek counseling, which is why I am seeing Grace in the first place.
Not on to the title of this post, "Gotta be something more". For a long time, like since I was seeing James 5+ years ago, I have felt like there is something more I should/ want to do with my life. Now, I love being a mom and throw on top of that working full time running my business my life is plenty crazy, busy and full. But still, I feel like something is missing. I want to do something else, something more. I haven't been able to exactly pinpoint what that is yet. I do know that I have this strong desire to help others. I have thought about going back to college and getting a degree and becoming a therapist, but that doesn't feel like it is right for me. I want to do something, but what? Maybe it is just this blog. But then I start doubting myself, I mean, how many people actually read this, who is this actually helping? I have always wanted to write a book, let me rephrase that, I have written a book, but I'm too chicken and scared of rejection to even think about attempting to get it published! So I am here, feeling like I want to do something more, but can't seem to figure out exactly what that is yet!
Last time we talked a lot about my Grandpa. I have been stressing and agonizing over his upcoming endowment. I knew that I could not confront him about the abuse. I can never talk to him about it, even if it was to tell him I've forgiven him. I started working on a letter to him last week and didn't get very far. Last night I felt this urgency to get it done. I wanted to finish it. I needed to finish it. I wrote things I wish I could tell him, questions I wish I could ask him and about the pain and hurt I have felt over the years.
As I was working on the letter I pulled out my old notebook from when the abuse was going on, just before I moved out. I had e-mails and instant messages from Hayley and I. It was crazy to look back and read those. Sometimes I forget how much pain I was in back then. I forget just how hard everyday life was for me.
By the end of the letter I kept thinking, I am grateful that I went through the abuse, because it made me who I am today. I love the person I've become over the past 12 years. I wouldn't trade my experiences and the way they molded me into who I've become for anything. So for that I am glad I went through the abuse.
I realized that I couldn't be both grateful for the abuse and mad at the person who abused me. I had to let one of them go and that was being mad at Grandpa. As I was on my way to my appointment I realized that I have felt that if I let got of that hurt then it would minimize the abuse. I realized this wasn't true. I can let go of the hurt and it isn't going to change how sever the abuse was. But, if I let go of the hurt then I would feel better about what happened.
I am feeling pretty good about my relationship with Grandpa right now. I feel 100% okay with him going through the temple. That was huge for me to get to a place where I didn't completely hate him and be okay with everything going on. When I told Brad his response was, "REALLY?!?!".
The next big thing we talked about that I want to share is me working on myself and my self image. Grace talked about separating a person from their behaviors. A person is not his or her behavior. It was something I've never really thought about before. It's interesting that for so long I have had a hard time separating Grandpa from his behaviors. He abused me, thus he IS abusive. That is just one of his behaviors, it's not who he truly is. Yet it was so easy for me just a few years ago to forgive my Em's birth mom, Jen. I posted about it here. Last night as I was writing the letter to Grandpa I actually started to contemplate separating him from his behavior. I tried to look at him differently. He abused me, but that is a learned behavior. Where did he learn it from, his dad abusing him!
When I was seeing Aaron one of the only helpful things that he told me was Jack had to learn it (sexual abuse) somewhere. At the age of 9 there are only a few ways he could have learned those things 1)someone sexually abused him or 2) from watching someone do it to someone else, like his parents or in porn.
I feel way sidetracked here... Moving on. My assignment for in between our sessions is come up with 10 positive qualities about myself. One of her suggestions that I liked the most was looking in my Patriarchal Blessing. It might not come right out and list positive qualities, but it might hint at some or lead into some. However, I can't write one down until I'm willing to accept it. For example, my husband tells me I'm kindl, I don't believe I am, so I can't write that down until I can accept that it is true.
It is SO hard for me to accept any compliment. As Grace explained I have a blocker up that keeps me from accepting positive things people say to me.
The last thing we talked about was actually hard for me to start talking about. Even though I felt slightly embarrassed talking about it, I also felt it was rather vital to my depression and what I am dealing with. We were still talking about the previous subject and I knew that we were almost done, but I was dying to get this out there. Even though I was feeling weird about the topic, I really needed to discuss this. It has been so hard for me and this is the first time I've been able to actually talk to a professional about it. As Grace continued to talk about the previous subject I kept thinking, okay, I need you to either lead into this conversation as ask me if I want to talk about something else! I am rather timid and I just can't bring myself to open up and say I need to talk about this... So, I sat there, praying she would change the subject or ask.
Within a few minutes she asked, "Is there anything else you want to talk about?" Um, yes actually there is... Once the conversation started going I didn't feel as embarrassed about it. It is easy for me to write things because I'm not sitting here talking to you face to face. Brad laughed when I told him that I felt weird at first talking to her about my period, after all it's another woman who would completely understand. Maybe it was weird for me because I'm used to dealing with men! All my experiences in counseling for the past 11 years I've seen only men and both OBGYNs I've seen, in addition to my physician, are ALL men! So it was a new experiencing talking to a woman about female problems!
Not sure if I have written about this or not, if I have it's been over a year so I'll write anyways. To say I have irregular periods is an understatement. The upside, that so many woman tell me they are jealous of, I go months between my cycles! I average maybe 6 to 8 months between. However, once my period does start, it does not stop. And by does not stop I mean, if I didn't take a medication it would NEVER stop. Seriously, I have bleed every single day for up to 9 months before until I took a medication to force it to stop! I'm rather used to it at this point. Last year the day I started Prozac my period also started, okay, no big deal, let it go a little while and then go on my stopping medication. Went to my doctor and got the medication. It was supposed to make my period stop for 10 days, it didn't. Then I always have a completely normal cycle, which I didn't. It got to the point that I was weak and sick that I could hardly move. I would get up out of bed, sit on the couch and only get up when I had to go to the bathroom. Every time I moved more then 5 feet my heart would start racing. I had no energy and I felt like the life was literally being drained out of me. After the "normal cycle" then my period stops for several months, it didn't. In fact, I only bleed worse and worse and worse! Out of desperation I abruptly stopped taking Prozac, my period ended.
That's great right? My period stopped, but so did my anti-depressant! Because I had to quit taking it, and so abruptly, I quickly hit rock bottom! The past 14 months has been an endless cycle of go on an anti-depressant, feel great, have to go off, hit rock bottom, go back on anti-depressant, have to go off, go on and go off. This has been so, extremely emotionally draining. All the ups and downs have not been good for me. Going from feeling 100% to 0% overnight feels completely devastating! It got to the point that when I was off my anti-depressant I would refuse to go back on because I knew eventually I'll have to go off of it yet again!
Grace actually brought up a hysterectomy, which I have been seriously contemplating having done. She suggested writing up pros and cons. I sat there for a minute and said, the only con is how much it is going to cost even with insurance! My husband is 100% on board with it being done and is willing to accept it no matter how much it costs. One hesitation I've had is I have felt like unless my period has been going for a long time or is extremely heavy that no doctor will take me seriously enough to actually perform a hysterectomy. I just need to go for it!!!
It was great to actually be able to talk to Grace about these things! As Grace put it, she is going to be giving me new tools to use. If/ when I am off the anti-depressant I can use these tools to go from functioning at 50% up to maybe 80%. Sounds perfect to me! I love that I don't feel pressured to go off the medication. I have come to accept that maybe I will need to be on them forever, that is okay. At the same time, I feel it is important to also seek counseling, which is why I am seeing Grace in the first place.
Not on to the title of this post, "Gotta be something more". For a long time, like since I was seeing James 5+ years ago, I have felt like there is something more I should/ want to do with my life. Now, I love being a mom and throw on top of that working full time running my business my life is plenty crazy, busy and full. But still, I feel like something is missing. I want to do something else, something more. I haven't been able to exactly pinpoint what that is yet. I do know that I have this strong desire to help others. I have thought about going back to college and getting a degree and becoming a therapist, but that doesn't feel like it is right for me. I want to do something, but what? Maybe it is just this blog. But then I start doubting myself, I mean, how many people actually read this, who is this actually helping? I have always wanted to write a book, let me rephrase that, I have written a book, but I'm too chicken and scared of rejection to even think about attempting to get it published! So I am here, feeling like I want to do something more, but can't seem to figure out exactly what that is yet!
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
8/18/15
I've gone through a weird series of thoughts today... This morning I was thinking about how things are going with Grace. Last week we focused on my feelings about my Grandpa and his upcoming endowment. I pretty much cried the entire time. I've had so many different thoughts and feelings going on. I had something stuck in my head "he will truly mourn". I knew I had read it in SOLE, so I got out my binder and started looking. Thankfully it was in the first section so I didn't have to look very long.
It is from "A Refuge for the Oppressed"
"I have realized that my father’s repentance is his job, not mine. I’m not sure Dad understands how much he has hurt his children and others. When the day comes that he does, I know he will truly mourn."
When I was done reading that paragraph I flipped through my SOLE binder and looked through the different things I have in there. In the back of it are some articles that Bishop R gave me when I stopped seeing Aaron. Then my mind flashed to when I was seeing Aaron. Just 1 year earlier when I was seeing Joy it was so hard for me to open up to her. Most of the sessions were spent with her talking and me saying yes, no or my favorite- I don't know. Then there I was with Aaron, opening up to him, pouring my heart out to him trying to get the help I desperately wanted and needed and I got nothing from him! I would tell him "I am struggling with this flashbacks about what Jack did. What can I do to make them stop?" He never, not once, answered me. He would change the subject or ask other non-related questions.
At the end of that line of thoughts I then started thinking about how I told my 8th grade English teacher about the sexual abuse. When I first realized that I had told her about it (back in 2006) I was so angry about it. How could she do nothing? Don't teachers legally have to report stuff like this? Peace finally came when I realized, she must not have read what I had wrote. I must of been 1 of 100+ students, each who had 25 page reports. I still sometimes wonder, did she read it? However, I am no longer angry about it. I started wondering if I ever wrote anywhere else about the abuse with Jack. I went to my room and got my journal that I started back in 1998!
As I flipped through all my journal entries I worked my way up to when I was in high school, my senior year to be exact. I was in Sister Parker's seminary class. One day I wrote, "good people have hard tests." I've been struggling with my overwhelming about of trials lately. At times I can't seem to catch my breath before something else is going wrong!
It is from "A Refuge for the Oppressed"
"I have realized that my father’s repentance is his job, not mine. I’m not sure Dad understands how much he has hurt his children and others. When the day comes that he does, I know he will truly mourn."
When I was done reading that paragraph I flipped through my SOLE binder and looked through the different things I have in there. In the back of it are some articles that Bishop R gave me when I stopped seeing Aaron. Then my mind flashed to when I was seeing Aaron. Just 1 year earlier when I was seeing Joy it was so hard for me to open up to her. Most of the sessions were spent with her talking and me saying yes, no or my favorite- I don't know. Then there I was with Aaron, opening up to him, pouring my heart out to him trying to get the help I desperately wanted and needed and I got nothing from him! I would tell him "I am struggling with this flashbacks about what Jack did. What can I do to make them stop?" He never, not once, answered me. He would change the subject or ask other non-related questions.
At the end of that line of thoughts I then started thinking about how I told my 8th grade English teacher about the sexual abuse. When I first realized that I had told her about it (back in 2006) I was so angry about it. How could she do nothing? Don't teachers legally have to report stuff like this? Peace finally came when I realized, she must not have read what I had wrote. I must of been 1 of 100+ students, each who had 25 page reports. I still sometimes wonder, did she read it? However, I am no longer angry about it. I started wondering if I ever wrote anywhere else about the abuse with Jack. I went to my room and got my journal that I started back in 1998!
As I flipped through all my journal entries I worked my way up to when I was in high school, my senior year to be exact. I was in Sister Parker's seminary class. One day I wrote, "good people have hard tests." I've been struggling with my overwhelming about of trials lately. At times I can't seem to catch my breath before something else is going wrong!
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
8/12/15
I had my second visit with Grace. Again I felt that she is so perfect for me right now! It felt good to be able to discuss things and not feel ashamed and feel able to be 100% open and honest!
One of the next things she asked was what are my 3 main stresses right now. I listed
1. my kids- not that they are bad, but being a parent is SO stressful!
2. my business- I have a love/hate relationship with it right now. I love crafting and making money, but sometimes I hate dealing with customers!
3. My secret issue... which is what we focused on and I decided to make it public.
As I left I realized I have a 4th one that actually causes me more stress then my business- My health!
This causes me to much stress and anxiety! Just over a year ago I was on Prozac and took my normal medication to regulate my cycle and the combination of the 2 nearly killed me. I had to quit taking Prozac and have been off and on it ever since. Now I keep having anxiety about how will this new medication react with my cycle one, how bad is my cycles going to get, will I ever be able to get a hysterectomy? Man, this just might be my #1 stress!!! How did I forget about this?
Recently I've mentioned something going on, but I wasn't ready to disclose the details. I mainly was doing that because I didn't want my family who might read this to know my true feelings about the subject until after it was over. After talking to Grace I've decided that I need to be open and honest with my feelings, even if my family might not agree with them...
My Grandpa is getting endowed in the temple. This has been rough on me.
I feel so much better about my feelings (aka not so guilty) after talking to Grace. I always thought that once the forgiveness happened there would be no back-steps and I'd have to work through more feelings and try to re-achieve forgiveness. Knowing that I'm not the only one who has gone through this makes me feel less guilty.
I'm not going to deny the fact that Grandpa hurt me. Not physically, but so much deep emotional hurt. I have been told to "forgive and forget" and to "just get over it". I know that I need to forgive him. I also know it is a process and I need to work through my feelings.
We talked about me actually confronting Grandpa about the abuse. Not in a aggressive way, but in an assertive way to express how I really feel. I know this will NOT go over well, so I'm trying to figure out a way to express my feelings without it being disastrous! I need to remind myself that I'm doing this for me, not for him or my family.
Homework: Go through my binder from Group #2 (healing from sexual abuse) and read articles about forgiveness.
One of the next things she asked was what are my 3 main stresses right now. I listed
1. my kids- not that they are bad, but being a parent is SO stressful!
2. my business- I have a love/hate relationship with it right now. I love crafting and making money, but sometimes I hate dealing with customers!
3. My secret issue... which is what we focused on and I decided to make it public.
As I left I realized I have a 4th one that actually causes me more stress then my business- My health!
This causes me to much stress and anxiety! Just over a year ago I was on Prozac and took my normal medication to regulate my cycle and the combination of the 2 nearly killed me. I had to quit taking Prozac and have been off and on it ever since. Now I keep having anxiety about how will this new medication react with my cycle one, how bad is my cycles going to get, will I ever be able to get a hysterectomy? Man, this just might be my #1 stress!!! How did I forget about this?
Recently I've mentioned something going on, but I wasn't ready to disclose the details. I mainly was doing that because I didn't want my family who might read this to know my true feelings about the subject until after it was over. After talking to Grace I've decided that I need to be open and honest with my feelings, even if my family might not agree with them...
My Grandpa is getting endowed in the temple. This has been rough on me.
I feel so much better about my feelings (aka not so guilty) after talking to Grace. I always thought that once the forgiveness happened there would be no back-steps and I'd have to work through more feelings and try to re-achieve forgiveness. Knowing that I'm not the only one who has gone through this makes me feel less guilty.
I'm not going to deny the fact that Grandpa hurt me. Not physically, but so much deep emotional hurt. I have been told to "forgive and forget" and to "just get over it". I know that I need to forgive him. I also know it is a process and I need to work through my feelings.
We talked about me actually confronting Grandpa about the abuse. Not in a aggressive way, but in an assertive way to express how I really feel. I know this will NOT go over well, so I'm trying to figure out a way to express my feelings without it being disastrous! I need to remind myself that I'm doing this for me, not for him or my family.
Homework: Go through my binder from Group #2 (healing from sexual abuse) and read articles about forgiveness.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
8/8/15
The more I think about how I feel as if Grandpa is stealing my safe place from me, the more it makes sense. That is why I have been feeling so hurt. When Hayley and I would go there we didn't have a care in the world. There was no abuse. There was no one yelling. It was the most peaceful place in the world! We would just sit there and stare at it for hours. I'll never forget our discovery one time, they turn the lights at the temple at 11 pm. It might sound weird, but when those lights go off and all you can see is the city behind it, it is magical!
As I think about how special that temple is to me, the thought of Grandpa going in there feels like he will taint it! It would be easier if he actually changed his ways. When he was baptized and he was sober he was the amazing Grandpa that I remember from hen I was little. Back before he drank so much. That Grandpa was so much easier to love and to forgive. As he has slipped back to his old habits my feelings about him has changed as well. I can't help but think he will never change. Yes, he got baptized, but his heart wasn't in it. Nothing in his life has changed at all. All of this would be so much easier if he really did change. If that nice, wonderful, sober Grandpa was going to the temple I would have no problem with that! Unfortunately, no matter how blind everyone else is, I can see the truth. It's as simple as when he is sober he is nice, when he drinks he is rude and selfish. It makes it so much hard.
As I think about how special that temple is to me, the thought of Grandpa going in there feels like he will taint it! It would be easier if he actually changed his ways. When he was baptized and he was sober he was the amazing Grandpa that I remember from hen I was little. Back before he drank so much. That Grandpa was so much easier to love and to forgive. As he has slipped back to his old habits my feelings about him has changed as well. I can't help but think he will never change. Yes, he got baptized, but his heart wasn't in it. Nothing in his life has changed at all. All of this would be so much easier if he really did change. If that nice, wonderful, sober Grandpa was going to the temple I would have no problem with that! Unfortunately, no matter how blind everyone else is, I can see the truth. It's as simple as when he is sober he is nice, when he drinks he is rude and selfish. It makes it so much hard.
8/8/15
I was handling thing pretty well up until now. Now I am going to sit here and cry because there is nothing else I can do about it.
Sometimes I think, God must REALLY hate me! He likes to see me suffer so very much, it must be so amusing to him! With all the trials I faced growing up I thought that my adult years would be pretty smooth. Boy was I wrong. I've dealt with infertility, financial problems, Brad losing his job twice, foreclosed on our home and the list goes on and on.
Finally just before our 10th anniversary things were looking up. We wanted to celebrate by going a cruise, but that wasn't feasible. Plan B was a weekend trip to Salt Lake City. My sister-in-law volunteered to watch our kids, we were going to get a nice hotel, eat at nice restaurants, for the first time in a LONG time enjoy ourselves, especially without children.
About 5 weeks before our anniversary we were on our way home from spending Easter with my family and our truck broke down. Fixing the truck drained every last penny we had. Plan C became my friend watching our kids overnight while we went out to dinner at a mediocre restaurant and came home a slept in our own bed.
3 months later our truck broke down again! At one point we had no functioning cars whatsoever!!! We got my husband's car fixed, but now the truck needed a whole new engine. It took us 5 months to come up with the money, but we finally got it fixed yet again. As you can imagine we didn't have money to celebrate our 11th anniversary either.
Just a few days ago we came up with a plan to celebrate our anniversary in Feb even though our anniversary is in May. I planned everything out. I was SO excited and so optimistic about it. We were actually going to do this. I might have to work my butt off, but hey we have 6 whole months to save for it.
Wanna guess what happened yesterday?!?!?!? Yes, our truck, with a almost brand new engine in it, broke down AGAIN. Saying I was upset is an understatement. As we drove to tow our truck home all I could think was, God hates me!!! The initial upsetness about it quickly went again and I was actually okay with the whole situation. My husband thought he figured out the problem and fixed that, but it still won't start!
Just now I went to message my friend back about her watching my kids while I'm in counseling. We aren't really close friends, she is Em's best friends mom and she doesn't know that I'm in counseling. I was already feeling stressed about trying to work counseling into my schedule with Em starting school soon. I have no idea what time she will be going to school or will be done, I need to make sure I'm not in counseling when I need to pick her/ drop her off. Now I have to factor in the fact that we will only have 1 car again for who knows how long!!! So as I was trying to figure out what to say to this lady about watching my kids I lost it. I can't help but sit here and cry.
Why can't things do right in my life for more then 6 months? Trying to work full time myself AND juggle only have one car was crazy enough. Now I get to throw in taking Em to and from school and counseling! Are you kidding me? I can't help but wonder how on earth I'm going to do it. Also, there goes our trip!!!
Sometimes I think, God must REALLY hate me! He likes to see me suffer so very much, it must be so amusing to him! With all the trials I faced growing up I thought that my adult years would be pretty smooth. Boy was I wrong. I've dealt with infertility, financial problems, Brad losing his job twice, foreclosed on our home and the list goes on and on.
Finally just before our 10th anniversary things were looking up. We wanted to celebrate by going a cruise, but that wasn't feasible. Plan B was a weekend trip to Salt Lake City. My sister-in-law volunteered to watch our kids, we were going to get a nice hotel, eat at nice restaurants, for the first time in a LONG time enjoy ourselves, especially without children.
About 5 weeks before our anniversary we were on our way home from spending Easter with my family and our truck broke down. Fixing the truck drained every last penny we had. Plan C became my friend watching our kids overnight while we went out to dinner at a mediocre restaurant and came home a slept in our own bed.
3 months later our truck broke down again! At one point we had no functioning cars whatsoever!!! We got my husband's car fixed, but now the truck needed a whole new engine. It took us 5 months to come up with the money, but we finally got it fixed yet again. As you can imagine we didn't have money to celebrate our 11th anniversary either.
Just a few days ago we came up with a plan to celebrate our anniversary in Feb even though our anniversary is in May. I planned everything out. I was SO excited and so optimistic about it. We were actually going to do this. I might have to work my butt off, but hey we have 6 whole months to save for it.
Wanna guess what happened yesterday?!?!?!? Yes, our truck, with a almost brand new engine in it, broke down AGAIN. Saying I was upset is an understatement. As we drove to tow our truck home all I could think was, God hates me!!! The initial upsetness about it quickly went again and I was actually okay with the whole situation. My husband thought he figured out the problem and fixed that, but it still won't start!
Just now I went to message my friend back about her watching my kids while I'm in counseling. We aren't really close friends, she is Em's best friends mom and she doesn't know that I'm in counseling. I was already feeling stressed about trying to work counseling into my schedule with Em starting school soon. I have no idea what time she will be going to school or will be done, I need to make sure I'm not in counseling when I need to pick her/ drop her off. Now I have to factor in the fact that we will only have 1 car again for who knows how long!!! So as I was trying to figure out what to say to this lady about watching my kids I lost it. I can't help but sit here and cry.
Why can't things do right in my life for more then 6 months? Trying to work full time myself AND juggle only have one car was crazy enough. Now I get to throw in taking Em to and from school and counseling! Are you kidding me? I can't help but wonder how on earth I'm going to do it. Also, there goes our trip!!!
Thursday, August 6, 2015
8/6/15
In my first session with Grace I brought up everything about Grandpa. How he was an alcoholic, joined the church, everyone thinks he's perfect. Then the sobbing happened. I mean, it was the intense crying that you can't even breath, let alone talk! It took me a minute to work out the words, He's going through the temple. Even just typing that the tears are flowing.
I do not feel like I need to stop this or I'm responsible for anything. If Grandpa truly feels worthy to go to the temple then it is his own problem.
However, I still feel deeply hurt. As a teenager the temple was Hayley and I's safe place. It was our peace and comfort. Now, the thought that the person I was getting away from and all the pain he inflicted on me, he is going inside my safe place.
Now that I have had time to process things I think that is exactly why I am feeling so hurt and betrayed about him going to the temple. He is going into MY safe place. The one place that he couldn't hurt me in, the place that brought me peace to his turmoil. He is going inside it. Not that I fear he will verbally abuse me inside the temple, it's the fact that for so many years that was my get-away from him and I'm left feeling like he is stealing that from me.
Grace asked if I could talk to Grandma about my feelings, no. She flip flops. Some days she will confide in me and talk about his drinking and his abuse. Other days she will deny it and defend him. Grace pointed out how that is classic abusive relationship behavior. Ever since he decided to get baptized she sides with him and defends him. She views him as this "perfect Mormon".
I do not feel like I need to stop this or I'm responsible for anything. If Grandpa truly feels worthy to go to the temple then it is his own problem.
However, I still feel deeply hurt. As a teenager the temple was Hayley and I's safe place. It was our peace and comfort. Now, the thought that the person I was getting away from and all the pain he inflicted on me, he is going inside my safe place.
Now that I have had time to process things I think that is exactly why I am feeling so hurt and betrayed about him going to the temple. He is going into MY safe place. The one place that he couldn't hurt me in, the place that brought me peace to his turmoil. He is going inside it. Not that I fear he will verbally abuse me inside the temple, it's the fact that for so many years that was my get-away from him and I'm left feeling like he is stealing that from me.
Grace asked if I could talk to Grandma about my feelings, no. She flip flops. Some days she will confide in me and talk about his drinking and his abuse. Other days she will deny it and defend him. Grace pointed out how that is classic abusive relationship behavior. Ever since he decided to get baptized she sides with him and defends him. She views him as this "perfect Mormon".
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
8/5/15
All this time I have been stressing and agonizing over WHO I should see for counseling. Saying I'm picky is an understatement. I can have a hard time opening up to people. I've worried that I will waste my time by trying to trust and open up to someone new just to have things end like they did with Aaron.
I had previously been debating over who to see, Lydia vs. Carol. I called Lydia's office almost a week ago and never heard back from her. After 4 days I bit the bullet and talked to me bishop and told him I wanted to switch from Joy to LDS Family Services. I called and requested Carol. The next day they called to let me know who I would be seeing and informed me that I can't see Carol since we are in the same ward. Hey, it was worth a shot right?
I called Lydia's office again and left a message, hoping that if she called me back I can make an appointment with her and not follow through with LDSFS. No such luck.
As I was telling Brad how I was freaking out about going through LDSFS again he reminded me, "So, how did you meet James?" Me, "Through LDSFS..." Brad, "Exactly! Who knows maybe she will be the best counselor you've ever had!" Maybe she will.
I'm sitting here so worried that it will be another Aaron situation and I'm ignoring the fact that I've had more positive then negative experiences with LDSFS. I met both Joy and James thought LDSFS. I didn't know or trust either of them before I met them for counseling the first time. That's 2 positive to my 1 negative. Brad asked me, "What is the worst thing that can happen?" Me, "I can HATE her!" Brad, "So.... You can also switch to someone else!" I know, I know.
I had previously been debating over who to see, Lydia vs. Carol. I called Lydia's office almost a week ago and never heard back from her. After 4 days I bit the bullet and talked to me bishop and told him I wanted to switch from Joy to LDS Family Services. I called and requested Carol. The next day they called to let me know who I would be seeing and informed me that I can't see Carol since we are in the same ward. Hey, it was worth a shot right?
I called Lydia's office again and left a message, hoping that if she called me back I can make an appointment with her and not follow through with LDSFS. No such luck.
As I was telling Brad how I was freaking out about going through LDSFS again he reminded me, "So, how did you meet James?" Me, "Through LDSFS..." Brad, "Exactly! Who knows maybe she will be the best counselor you've ever had!" Maybe she will.
I'm sitting here so worried that it will be another Aaron situation and I'm ignoring the fact that I've had more positive then negative experiences with LDSFS. I met both Joy and James thought LDSFS. I didn't know or trust either of them before I met them for counseling the first time. That's 2 positive to my 1 negative. Brad asked me, "What is the worst thing that can happen?" Me, "I can HATE her!" Brad, "So.... You can also switch to someone else!" I know, I know.
8/5/15
I was nervous all day. The night before I waited and waited and waited in hopes that Lydia would call me back to set up an appointment. If she did then that meant I could cancel my appointment at LDS Family Services. Since she never called I knew I needed to go forward with it. Once I found a babysitter things became real! Every time I said I didn't want to go through with it my husband kept saying, "What if she's the best counselor you've ever had?!"
I pulled into the parking lot and sat there for a minute wondering WHY I was once again seeking counseling at LDSFS. I tried to convince myself I was fine, why do I need to come! I finally got out and went in. The second I walked in the door I saw a woman talking to someone else. I knew instantly that was the counselor I would be seeing. I was right. I filled out the forms, took a questionnaire and we got started.
Her name is Grace (as always it's not her real name). I must say, I was so very skeptical about going through LDSFS again. I went there not wanting to be there, not wanting to like Grace, not wanting to open up to her. The second I walked in the door and saw her, I knew that she IS who I am supposed to see and all my negative feelings went away! I was able to open up to her as if I had known her my whole life, which is amazing for me! I don't usually trust people right away. It was easy for me to feel comfortable and like I could trust her instantly!
Our first session was great! It went like I had hoped, if not better. Not only did it feel great for me to be able to open up to Grace, but I also felt that we were more on the same page then Joy and I were. Don't get me wrong, if Joy didn't live so far away I would have continued to see her. I felt as if Joy was trying to convince me that depression is all mental and if I changed my thought I would fix the depression. When I told this to Grace her response blew me away. She believes that it is not mental and nothing will magically make it go away, what she does is give me tools to cope with the depression, not make it go away!
One thing I did not foresee, sobbing so hard that I couldn't even get words out! Seriously self?!?! I felt semi-ridiculous, but at the same time I realized how deep my feelings about the subject are! It's something I have been putting off talking about on here, maybe once things are over and done with I will post more details. Anyways, this subject was one of the reason I wanted to go back to counseling ASAP.
Needless to say before the session was even over I knew that she was perfect for! I felt like she really listened to me, didn't minimize anything, didn't question things with Jack (yes, I have had professionals not believe me that Jack could have done anything to me because he was younger then me!!!), she gave me homework to do before I go back. If I had a list of every trait I wanted in a counselor, she would have all of them!!!
I kept thinking how lucky I am for ended up with someone I really like on my first try! Aaron really messed me up when it comes to trusting counselors. Every time I see (or talk to about personal stuff) I always fear it will be just like it was with Aaron. I have put off counseling many times out of fear of ended up with another Aaron!
As I left I couldn't help but re-play some of my thoughts and feelings I've had over the past few weeks and saw where they lead me. I felt so drawn to Carol, like she was who I was supposed to see. Even after I was told I couldn't see her, I still felt drawn to her. Because of my strong feelings that I should see Carol I told my Bishop that I wanted to go to LDSFS. If it wasn't for Carol working there, being in my ward and me hoping to see her, I never would have gone back to LDSFS! Which is how I am now seeing Grace. If it wasn't for the constant feeling I had that I was supposed to see Carol I never would have ended up going to Grace! And for whatever reason, Lydia still has not called me back. Had she called me back before seeing Grace I would not have gone back to LDFS!
I just have to laugh right now.... I published this post at 1:47 and at 2:01 Lydia called me back!!! I told her I have found someone else.
I pulled into the parking lot and sat there for a minute wondering WHY I was once again seeking counseling at LDSFS. I tried to convince myself I was fine, why do I need to come! I finally got out and went in. The second I walked in the door I saw a woman talking to someone else. I knew instantly that was the counselor I would be seeing. I was right. I filled out the forms, took a questionnaire and we got started.
Her name is Grace (as always it's not her real name). I must say, I was so very skeptical about going through LDSFS again. I went there not wanting to be there, not wanting to like Grace, not wanting to open up to her. The second I walked in the door and saw her, I knew that she IS who I am supposed to see and all my negative feelings went away! I was able to open up to her as if I had known her my whole life, which is amazing for me! I don't usually trust people right away. It was easy for me to feel comfortable and like I could trust her instantly!
Our first session was great! It went like I had hoped, if not better. Not only did it feel great for me to be able to open up to Grace, but I also felt that we were more on the same page then Joy and I were. Don't get me wrong, if Joy didn't live so far away I would have continued to see her. I felt as if Joy was trying to convince me that depression is all mental and if I changed my thought I would fix the depression. When I told this to Grace her response blew me away. She believes that it is not mental and nothing will magically make it go away, what she does is give me tools to cope with the depression, not make it go away!
One thing I did not foresee, sobbing so hard that I couldn't even get words out! Seriously self?!?! I felt semi-ridiculous, but at the same time I realized how deep my feelings about the subject are! It's something I have been putting off talking about on here, maybe once things are over and done with I will post more details. Anyways, this subject was one of the reason I wanted to go back to counseling ASAP.
Needless to say before the session was even over I knew that she was perfect for! I felt like she really listened to me, didn't minimize anything, didn't question things with Jack (yes, I have had professionals not believe me that Jack could have done anything to me because he was younger then me!!!), she gave me homework to do before I go back. If I had a list of every trait I wanted in a counselor, she would have all of them!!!
I kept thinking how lucky I am for ended up with someone I really like on my first try! Aaron really messed me up when it comes to trusting counselors. Every time I see (or talk to about personal stuff) I always fear it will be just like it was with Aaron. I have put off counseling many times out of fear of ended up with another Aaron!
As I left I couldn't help but re-play some of my thoughts and feelings I've had over the past few weeks and saw where they lead me. I felt so drawn to Carol, like she was who I was supposed to see. Even after I was told I couldn't see her, I still felt drawn to her. Because of my strong feelings that I should see Carol I told my Bishop that I wanted to go to LDSFS. If it wasn't for Carol working there, being in my ward and me hoping to see her, I never would have gone back to LDSFS! Which is how I am now seeing Grace. If it wasn't for the constant feeling I had that I was supposed to see Carol I never would have ended up going to Grace! And for whatever reason, Lydia still has not called me back. Had she called me back before seeing Grace I would not have gone back to LDFS!
I just have to laugh right now.... I published this post at 1:47 and at 2:01 Lydia called me back!!! I told her I have found someone else.
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