11/29/09

I still have 5 days until I meet with James again. I am just now doing my homework for the first of 3 times I need to have done by then. It is once again Sunday and I'm dreading going to church. I actually love church but my calling is killing me. Seriously the thought of one more week of tell the wall a story about how a little boy was embarrassed by the woman's shoes he had to wear to church, but no one noticed (I so wish I was exaggerating here) is not appealing! I know they are 5 and they don't pay attention or listen, but I personally need something spiritual out of church! I'm always covering for all the other classes and it's time I get a break.

This morning after hours of not being able to sleep I finally got up and flipped open my scriptures. It's been such a long time, not counting when I attempt to read a verse or two to 5 year olds that are running around the room. It has flashed me back to my senior year in high school. I was probably one of the most spiritually strong 18-year-olds you'd ever meet. That is how I got through all the abuse. My senior year I read the entire Book of Mormon, all of D&C and I started reading the Bible. Growing up outside of Utah I had "early morning" seminary for 2 1/2 years. My Junior year half way through the year we got a new seminary teacher and she was horrible. Not really a bad teacher, but mean. I was one of 2 or 3 girls in the class, majority of the time I was the only one there and she didn't like girls! Seriously, she flat out told us that she didn't. Luckily for me my school schedule was re-arranged and I could go to the afternoon seminary across town. My senior year I was able to take "senior seminary", the class was in the afternoon, but earlier then the afternoon class.That is how I met Sister Parker.  I actually skipped one of my classes once a week to make it to seminary. I graduated with "Honors" that year. To get honors you had to read all of D&C (or whatever book you were studying that year), memorize all the scripture masteries, have 100 % attendance and have read the scriptures every night (or something like that). It makes me sad looking back and how spiritually strong I was and now I have nothing.

11/25/09

To be honest I'm still in a little shock. Shocked that I told her, shocked at her response and still waiting from an e-mail of it all backfiring! My sweet friend told me, You know that e-mail isn't coming? Yes, I do know but I still can't believe it. I still have mixed emotions about it all. Relief hasn't set in yet. I can't help but think what possibly is going through her mind. Man, I really wish I knew.

I've decided to leave my contact with her at that. I get the vibe that she needs some time and space to digest it all. I'm open to more contact if she wants, but I don't want to be forcing myself (and the pain of what Jack did) into her life.

After writing that update I went and got a CD I have with info and such on it. I have a few pictures of Colleen on there. To be honest, I've been avoiding looking at them. I haven't looked at them in a LONG time. As I looked at her face it made me cry. I started thinking, What have I done? What did I just do to her life? I'm trying not to feel guilty about it, but looking at her is making me feel bad. However, when I see pictures of Jack, I just want to punch him!

I try to be so discrete on here, but I really want to post pictures of both Colleen and Jack... But then again I fear the repercussions of doing so. (a few months ago I harmlessly posted some pics of my husband family on my personal blog and they Flipped out! So I'm really hesitant about posting pictures of people)

LOL, so I was looking at what are the files I had on that CD and I'm laughing at what I found. I discovered that I wrote a letter to Colleen 1 1/2 years ago telling her (obviously I didn't send it and didn't intend to immediately) Wow, I can't believe I forgot that I already wrote that. Here is the letter I wrote on May 21, 2008-

"Dear Mrs.,
It has been a long time since I have seen or talk to you last.
I graduated from high school 5 years ago and have been married for 4 years now. We moved to .... a few months after we got married and we love it here. Although my husband and I haven't been able to have kids yet we have a great life and are very happy.
I don't know how to go about telling you this, but when I baby-sat Jack he molested me.
If you were wondering why I didn't tell you sooner, it's a long story. First of all I didn't remember anything that had happened until right after I got married. I mean, I obviously remember baby-sitting Jack, but I had blocked out all the details. About 6 months after I got married I decided to try counseling. After that ended only a few months later, badly, I tried to just forget about it all. It wasn't until 10 months ago that I decided to once again try counseling. Very few people even know it happened. My mom B just found out a few months ago. I think she is either in denial or she doesn't believe me.

I am not mad at you or hold you responsible in any way. I don't want or expect anything from you or Jack. I'm not even completely sure why, but I felt like you needed to know.

Feel free to contact me, or if you don't want to I understand."

11/23/09

First thing this morning I saw that I had a response from Colleen. My husband had just barely left for work and I decided that I again wanted him to read it first and prepare me. I was laying on the bed facing the opposite direction when my husband read it. His only words were "Wow!" Okay, wow bad, very bad? Nope, good and understanding! Really?!? This what she said-

"I want you to know that I received this message...when the time is right I will speak with Jack about this...thank you for sharing this with me, I pray for you and your recovery...take care, Maggie. God Bless"

I'm still waiting for another e-mail saying, "No wait... it's your fault he did it. You're lying! and such" Okay, I can breath now, it's over? Still in shock here.

11/23/09

Last night (Saturday night) I asked Brad if he would sub my primary class, he so nicely said no. During sacrament meeting I begged him to do at least half of it, again no luck. I failed to explain to him WHY I needed/ wanted him to sub for me. I desperately need a break. After talk to James I realized how lacking spiritually I am and being stuck in the basement with 5 year old does NOT help. I went to class annoyed that Brad was refusing to help me out. I had 3 of the 4 kids in my class there, plus a visitor and it was horrific! I seriously sat there and gave up on trying to talk when they were not listening to a word I was saying. After church we went out to the car and I started bawling! I told Brad how annoyed I was that he refused to help me. He didn't know that I desperately NEEDED just one break from my calling. He told me that he will talk to someone in the bishopbrick and see if I can get someone at least once a month to cover for me. That would be wonderfual. I love my calling, but I need to be getting more out of church! We got home, I continued to cry (I had a lot of built up stress that needed to get out). I then said, watch just because I'm having a crappy day I'm gonna have an e-mail from Colleen. Guess what? I did! I couldn't bring myself to reading it. I told Brad to read it and then let me know how bad it was. I went in the other room and then yelled, "Well?" It wasn't so bad actually. This is all her e-mail said- "I am shocked and need you to tell me more please...he was just a toddler...how on earth could He have abused you? What on earth happened....???" After another half hour of crying I finally felt better. Brad and I went over to our friends house for a little while and on the way over there I started working on my response to Colleen. I was shockingly CALM about the whole thing. Now as I continue to work on it I have that- sick to your stomach feeling, yuck. I've debated back and forth with how much I should share with her and I decided, what the heck, here it all is! This is my response, which I am seconds away from sending (gulp)! ***Just a warning, pretty graphic details in this... "I know it's hard to believe. Jack being younger then me, it is hard to imagine that such a thing could of happened. I realize you might not believe me. That's okay if you don't. Telling you is just something I personally needed to do. It started out with small things that seemed like no big deal at the time. I thought that Jack must have a crust on me. He was about 7 when I started watching him? (FYI, I was 12 1/2). He liked to hug me and sit next to me, next to me being practically on my lap. He would also try to kiss me. There were numerous times that he would hold me down on his bed & lay on top of me. He would rub his penis against me, we were both fully clothed but still... He would try & touch me "down there". There was at least one time that I remember that he was holding me down and he stuck his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I usually don't share all those details because it is still hard for me to talk about it all. I know it might seem unbelievable that any of those thing could of happened but they did. I am sorry to be telling you all these horrific details. I am really not trying to hurt anyone. I just wanted the truth to be out there."

11/21/09

My letter to Colleen- in the past 13 hours I have read it out loud to James, James read it out loud, I read it out loud pretending Colleen was there and.... I just e-mailed it to her! Yes, I actually SENT it!!! I am now anxious about her response knowing it might be bad or very ugly. I feel ready..... Wow. I feel a sense of relief and also anxious.

Dear Colleen,
It's been a few months since we have talked. There is still one thing that I've been meaning to tell you and I haven't. I've put this off for so long because I don't know where to started or how to say it.

I didn't remember this happening until after my husband and I got married. Over the past few years I have thought a lot about whether or not to tell you. I'm not doing this to hurt anyone. I need to do this for me, for part of my healing. I need the truth to be out there.

I don't know if you had any idea anything was going on. I want you to know that I don't blame you for anything that happened.

While I was babysitting Jack, he sexually abused me.

At the time I don't think I even knew what was going on or how to handle it. It wasn't until after I got married that I remembered it happening. I have been going to counseling off and on for the past 5 years. I've been learning how to deal with it all, and have been working on forgiving Jack.

I know it must be a shock to you. I am in no way trying to hurt you or Jack. Telling you is just something I need to do for me.

I am somewhat open about what went on. Feel free to ask any questions you might have.

11/20/09

Today with James started out different. He always ask how I'm doing physically and emotionally, and anything that might of happened since he saw me last. Then he asked about me spiritually. As we continued to talk I realized how disconnected I am feeling spiritually. It used to be my strength and now I'm not doing much. It's even harder when you work in the Primary! It's interesting that I have "family issues" with both prayer and reading scriptures. Sigh, my family is SO crazy. Really, what kind of mother yells at their teenager for reading their scriptures!!!!! Oh and then she yelled at me because they had dust on them meaning I wasn't reading them. (FYI I had more then one set of scriptures and that was the set I didn't use) And she herself was inactive in the church! Okay, vent over moving on. My homework for the next 2 weeks I have to read my scriptures at least 3 times.

So I'm gonna back track a little. My friend, MacKenzie,  and I are both in counseling, but are seeing 2 different people. Living in a small town our counselors of course know each other. Since I still haven't finished my friends letter, she explained to her counselor that I've been busy working on my own very hard letter. Her counselor asked what James does after he has me write letters, like does he have me read them out loud? Yes. Does he have me pretend to talk to the person? No. Joy did that and we did it in SOLE, but I had yet to see James do it. So thanks MacKenzie for mentioning this, cuz guess what we did? No only did I read Colleen's letter, James read the letter and then I had to pretend to read it to Colleen sitting in front of me! Thanks MacKenzie, thanks a LOT. (I still love ya though) By the time I had to read the letter to Colleen I was a lot more calm about it, the first time I just blew through it.

By the end of the session I was feeling so calm and a sense of relief. I've decided that I am 100% going to send the letter to Colleen. James asked if I was ready to confront Jack, No! He also asked if I wanted to wait to send the letter and we could talk more about the possible response of Colleen. I think I'm just gonna send it. I've gotten so many responses about it I feel ready for anything. I know she might not believe me, she might be offended, she just might accept it, but I am not expecting anything.

11/17/09

I'm stressing BIG time. It is now Tuesday and I see James Friday and this letter feels like the hardest thing I've done in a very LONG time. Seriously, how do you tell someone that their son sexually abused you????

I also need to write a letter to my friend by Thursday. Actually it was supposed to be done LAST Thursday, but I didn't get to it!

So it has been 4 1/2 months since I've talked to Collen. I thought I needed this (telling her about it) as part of my healing. I'm really second guessing myself. Brad is staying "neutral" about it all. He doesn't want to sway to or not to write the letter. I keep reminding myself that for now I'm just writing it, not sending it. But that is not calming me down at all!

In preparing for writing the letter I went through and read all our e-mails back and forth. Okay, is it me or does this sound like she might have a hunch about things? This is from back in June and I said there was things going on in my life while I was watching Jack (I was talking about dad's abuse)... her response "Please share with me what was going on in your life, I would appreciate you sharing with me."

I don't know if I can do this? Where do I even start? Hey Collen, I haven't seen you in 6 years, haven't talked to you in 4 1/2 months, but just FYI your son that is 6 years younger then me sexually abused me!!!!!

Maybe that's a little too blunt!

... I'm trying to work on my letter to Collen. In my boredom I decided to look on Facebook for Jack. Yep, found him! FYI, seeing his face, I'd like to punch him. I'm now thinking that was a VERY DUMB thing to have done! In working on my letter to Collen I've already broken out in hives!

11/13/09

This session I was slightly anxious/ nervous, but it was a great session. I've been thinking about my possible new job, that was the main thing James and I talked about. during the session I went back and forth about it and finally decided. I'm just NOT ready to do it. Logically- yes I am 25 and the boy is 10, do I think realistically that it (sexual abuse) will happen again, probably not. The other things James brought up, there is 3 kids, not just 1 and it's even more less likely to happened with 2 other kids running around. After a lot of thinking and James pointing out all the pros and cons, I've decided NOT to risk having come this far and my relationship with my husband for a few $.

James also asked, what would you do if your Bishop asked you & your husband to teach a primary class that was all boys that were 8 to 10. Well, is my husband was there, no problem, but me alone, NO WAY. Then I pointed out the irony that I do teach primary and I used to have an ALL boys class, but they are 5! LOL, I'm not scared of 5 year olds.

I also thought about it in a little bit different way. In the kids I currently watch I have 2 boys and I'm not scared of them. Of course they are 2 and 3! But I realized, one of the reason I'm not scared of them is because I know their parents really well! That seems to be a huge comfort for me. The thought of watching this 10 year old, I don't know his parents at all. His parents were a little "grungy" looking and that doesn't help. The more I thought about it I realized, that 5 years down the road, I don't see myself being scared to watch the boys I watch now. First- I've know them since they were little. Secondly- I know their parents. It's WAY different then NOT know the parents and meeting him at 10 years old. Am I making any sense? I get my logic, that's the important part.

Next topic- I've been thinking about it for a long time. To tell or not to tell Colleen? I get in contact with her with the goal of telling her about what her son did. After a few e-mails and really opening up to her about what my dad did, I just didn't feel ready to take the plunge. Even though she was pretty good (in her response) about it all, I just wasn't so sure.

I talked to James about it and he asked my reasoning behind it. Did I want to do it for me or for Jack or Colleen? Was I expecting a certain reaction from her? Was I doing it just to have the truth out there? My intentions have always been just to have it out there in the open. I hate feeling like I am hiding things. I am doing this for ME. I need it for MY healing. Although I am curious if Colleen had and suspicions it was going on. I wonder if she knows that something happened to Jack or WHY he would do it to me? I may not get my answers, but that's not why I'm going to tell her.

My homework for next week- write Colleen a letter. Don't send it yet, just work on it and bring it in to talk to James about it some more.

11/5/09

Okay, long story... Sunday I gave Grandma the letter! She said she wanted to talk. I have been hesitant about the whole thing. Growing up I never knew what Grandma I was going to get- she could be supportive, she could be minimizing of thing, she could defend dad, she could say I made Grandpa do/say what he did. My family is in denial that Grandpa is abusive and an alcoholic. After yesterday all I can think about is the night I told Grandma that I was moving out and I asked her if she knew Grandpa was verbally abuse. Her response "You're just too sensitive. What he says would not bother most kids!"

Sunday after reading the letter she said she wanted to talk. Tuesday I went to talk to her and she avoided the whole subject. I was very annoyed about the whole thing. Wednesday I told her that we needed to leave by a certain time and if she wanted to talk she needed to do it then. Brad and I went and saw his brand new little niece (who is freaking adorable)! The second I walked in the door my mom asked me about SOLE and said she too was in a group like that (focusing on the Atonement and forgiving)! My jaw about hit the floor! She went on to tell me that she realizes that he said things to me and she feels guilty for never stopping him, for not stepping in or defending me! She told me that she's sorry and she feels really guilty. (Um, can you say WOW!) I'm still just in shock about the whole conversation. She even said stuff in front of my husband, while at a restaurant!

I asked her if she had thought about going to counseling. She said she went after her brother died and the woman at LDSFS said that there was nothing wrong with her. It doesn't help that my family is against counseling then the one time she goes she had a bad experience. She also said she doesn't like talking about thing. I just laughed, "Yeah, me too! I didn't talk at all at first! It took me months to tell my counselor anything!"

It's felt like a huge relief and seems so weird still. It's odd to be able to talk openly about my Grandpa and things he has said or done with another family member, let alone my Grandma! She also told me that she thought it was horrible when Grandpa would be-little me for my first job I had right out of high school. I vividly re-call the scream of "your job is worst then flipping burgers at McDonald's!" I can't believe she even remembered that. I only had that job for 2 months and that was over 6 years ago.

Her talking about Grandpa saying that about my job reminds me of the night I started cutting. As I have mentioned, I had NO privacy. Grandpa had read my journal and I had written that Sister Parker was like a mom to me. Sister Parker was the first person I ever told about the abuse and an amazing support to me. Well, Grandpa of course freaked out when he read this. After his horrific screaming battle I had had it! I could NOT take it any more. I was determined that the abuse was going to end one way or another! It was either going to be me or Grandpa that was going to die that night. I was out in our garage rummaging through Grandpa's tools to find something to kill either him or myself with when Grandma came out there. For once she actually talked to me and didn't defend him or excuse his behavior. I remember her saying that he had no right to be reading my journal. Grandma actually being a mom for once saved someone's life that night!

- I saw James right after we got home and this is part of my homework is to write about what went on with Grandma and how I've been feeling about it all. So, my feelings right now aside from shocked... I'm so happy that I decided to write and give her that letter. I'm glad that I didn't give up on trying to talk to her, although I have to admit, this was her last chance. I tried so many times and she would seem interested and then avoid the subject so I was about ready to call it quits! Like I kept telling Brad, I didn't want to avoid her cries for help like she avoided/ ignored all of mine. I hope that I can be a support and strength to her. I hope she feels comfortable talking to me and realized that it is safe.

I'm trying to keep realistic expectations- Grandma and I may never talk about such things again. I hope we do, but I need to remember we might not. After 25 years of unstable reactions from her I am still hesitant about talking about Jack stuff. I feel safe keeping it on the Grandpa subject, but I'm not ready to be that vulnerable with her yet!

11/5/09

I'm sure many of you know the kind of economy we have going on right now. It's hard to find a job and such. I mostly do child care out of my home. Sometimes I watch them at their parents. But I've been looking for more kids to watch. A few days ago I got a call about a possible job offer to watch 3 kids a few days a week. This is the first time since Jack that's I've watched a boy that was his same age when I watched him! I wasn't sure what to expect going to meet the family and their kids. This boy is cute, funny, seems nice and good... BUT he reminds me of Jack. I just don't know if I can handle it, especially right now!

11/2/09

I have a few things going on in my mind right now. Brad and I have been watching my parent's dog for a few days. I decided awhile ago that it was time to give Grandma the letter. I posted it here- and also added a bit more, which I updated on my original blog post. My Grandpa has no idea that anything went on and Grandma wants to keep it that way. So I wanted Grandma to have the letter, but I knew that if I mailed it no matter what I wrote on the outside, Grandpa would open it and read it. Although I am fine if he knows, I also know that since Grandma is keeping this secret from him it will cause more verbal abuse for her. Yes, drama drama drama.

So I waited until today to give it to her in person. We (Brad and I) are actually headed down to visit them Monday night, so I figured it was great timing. I put the letter out so I wouldn't forget and Grandma saw it and asked what it was. She stood there and read it right in front of me, I wasn't planning on that and to be honest, I felt awkward. When she was done she said she loved me and that she wanted to talk about "it" (my Grandpa was standing next to her). She was planning on talking to me about it last time I came down, but MacKenzie was with me so she didn't. Which is funny because my friend and I carried on a conversation about abuse for a good 20 minutes and she didn't say a word. I also thought she might not of because MacKenzie was there. So I am preparing myself for this trip and talking about "it".

Wow, the idea of talking to her about this just got to me. I'm nervous and scared! The last time she and I talked about abuse in person was almost 6 years ago. I was telling her about her awesome abusive jerk of a husband, about my cutting and that I was moving out. Whole nother story there. I told her about Jack over the phone and we have only talked about Jack since then one or two times, all over the phone. I'm really apprehensive, which if you've read my letter to her you can see why. Is she gonna want details? I don't think she can handle details! Sigh... now I have a day or so to stress about it!

-I'm sure I'll will post about what goes on. I stress easily and the reality that I just gave that letter to her is just sinking in!!!

Next Jack issue... I really want to talk to James about it and see what he has to say. It is really bothering me. It makes me angry and sad. When I was 14 I told someone, someone that I trusted, looked up to and admired, that Jack was doing stuff to me. How can an adult, let alone a teacher, read that a child is going through this and do NOTHING??!?!?!?!? Okay, just maybe I'm over reacting. But at the same time, if I ever read what I wrote I would at least make sure the parents are aware of it, cuz FYI mine were not!

This is what I wrote, "Jack liked me so if we were ever siting on the couch he would scoot over and if I moved over he kept scooting over. Then he would hug me and not let go and try to kiss me. Worst of all he would lay on top of me and try to make out with me and tell me to suck his thing."

Wow, is all I have to say. I do have current contact with this person and there are so many questions I have for them. First of all, did they even read that? That's the only reason I can think of that is why they didn't do anything. If they did read it, why not do or say or tell someone?!? I'm fighting the urge not to e-mail them and ask right now!

Then, oh wait, there is more... At church during sacrament meeting, a lady was talking about her kids and how special children are and she said "parents shouldn't abuse their children". Well, Bishop E gave me a funny look and starred at me for easily 10 minutes! What's a nice way to tell him, please don't stare at me if someone says the word abuse because it makes me feel REALLY awkward? Because this is not the first time it has happened!