4/20/08

I think this was our first picture we drew in group. Again, I'm losing my memory about the details, I think the subject was how the abuse has made us feel. I am in the bottom left hand corner, isolated from the world (in the top right corner), my face is black because I'm emotionless and numb. The blue line in the middle is my desire to cut.

4/4/08

Dear Self, I have really struggled with actually wanting to be there for you. I guess with all my trust issues I'm afraid it will lead to more disappointment and abandonment. I need to write this book for you. When I was younger I always wanted to have my own voice, but I wasn't allowed to. It has been such a huge part of my healing. I have loved writing it, but now going back and reading it still shocks me that all those things happened. The people in my life that have been there for me support me in writing it. I could tell by the look on my grandma's face that she wasn't to thrilled about the idea. She would rather have you remain silent and stuffed inside me still suffering. I don't want that anymore. I want your voice to be heard for once. I've been going through my journals and finding things I had forgotten to include in the book. As I read what I had written the night I started cutting, I can feel all the pain I felt. It makes me glad that I write it down. I forgot some details of that night. I have forgotten a lot of things my grandpa said to me. My heart breaks for you. I am still hesitant to commit to being there for you. I worry I will just let myself down or I won't be as good as Sister Parker has been. I'm sorry your life had to be like that. I often forget what you went through every day and how much pain you used to be in. I hope the book helps and that I can actually get it out there. It makes me feel like you are no longer silenced and you can finally let it all out. You kept it in for so long and have changed and grown so much.

3/12/08

Ted, As I sit here looking at the St. George Temple I have a mix of emotions. I can picture in my mind your wedding pictures. It is hard to think about what happened in there almost 26 years ago. You were sealed to your wife and children for time and all eternity. Less then 3 year later you abandoned that family and church. The only peace I receive is from the fact that no matter what you do, you can not break seal between my sister and I and our mom. I remember seeing pictures of you for the first time. I was about 6, my mom sat me down on the couch and showed me your wedding pictures. I didn't know what to do or think as she sat there crying. I don't understand why you did what you did. It hurts to think there is not a single picture of you with me. I don't know if I can believe anything you say to me. At the same time I still desperately want a relationship with you. I want to actually have a parent who is there for me and cares about me. I feel like every time I turn around someone is either hurting or leaving me. I'm tired of it. Why can't I just have one parent or grandparent who is there for me? I feel like I have been abandoned by everyone. First you, then my mom, grandparents, and my sister, then you reject me again. Why don't you love me? Why do you feel like you have to lie to me and turn me against my family? Why can't I have a relationship with just you, forget about the past and start over. I wonder what will tell my kids about you. I don't know right now because I am still hoping that you might actually care enough to be around for them. The way everything has gone the past 23 years, I need to just realize that it is never going to happen and move on.

3/5/08

I'm mad at my parents right now. I am mad about the choices they made and how they have affected my whole life. I am starting once again to struggle with my mom's death. For 12 years I never dealt with it, then through SOLE it made it all easier. Now 4 years later for some reason I am starting to remember more details. Before tonight I only remembered the day she died and very little about her viewing. Tonight as I tried to go to sleep I started seeing more about the viewing and seeing and feeling the funeral. I can see me sitting on the bench in the church. It was the same room I met my husband in. I sit there and feel nothing. I don't cry, I'm not sad, I am numb and in shock. I feel completely emotionless. I now remember standing outside the church as they brought her out. Before then I always wondered what the doors at the front of the chapel were for, then I found out. I just stood there and watched. I don't remember the cemetery at all or anything after that. Why did my parents have to be so selfish? It is one thing to ignore emotional needs. I can understand because I never once expressed pain or hurt about anything. But me physically being in pain is totally different. I told them numerous time how much pain I was in and they didn't care. They ever told me so. Now in my life it is causing all these problems because they only thought about themselves and money. I'm afraid to go to sleep. It has been 4 years since I have had any flashbacks about my mom's death. Why are they back all of a sudden? Why do I all of a sudden have this obsessive fear of being sexually abused again? This past weeks I have had 3 dreams about it happening or almost happening again. I am afraid to be alone with guys. The other day the 3 year old boy I watch was playing with a car going across my legs & it was almost as if it was Jack. Here I am watching this boy and he is touching my legs. I kept reminding myself it was okay, but I was still uncomfortable.

2/7/08

Grandma, I always just assumed that you stopped being there for me when I was 15. I don't know what happened, but you weren't there at all. It only got worst after your brother died. Now I realize that you were never there for me, ever. There were so many times in my life that I just needed someone to love and support me, but instead I was felt all alone. I know that you were suffering and having your own pain of grandpa's abuse, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have been there for me. You knew how much pain my sister & I must have been in when our mom died, but you did nothing about it. How could you think that having a 7 & 8 year old listen to a song and that would magically make all the pain and hurt go away? Why didn't you ever ask us what happened that morning? Why were we not allowed to talk about our feelings, how we felt or how much we missed our mom. You didn't care that my sister cried herself to sleep for years. You didn't let my sister and I decide who would adopt us when our mom died. We both knew that we were supposed to go to (uncle). Instead I felt like I was forced to choose you. The way that you told us every word to say to the judge, I knew even at 7 that it wasn't right. If I had been able to speak my mind back then, I would have told you that I wanted to live with my uncle. You would always be my grandma, but I wanted a mom, dad, and siblings to grow up with. I hated growing up having to explain why my parents were old enough to be my grandparents, because they were & then I had to tell everyone that my mom died. It was so rough and I wasn't allowed to ever have an opinion. You don't know how much hurt you have caused me by never being there for me. I felt completely alone and neglected my whole life. All you ever cared about was worldly things and making sure you and your husband were happy. It never mattered what I wanted or how I felt. You had of known that something was wrong that day we were at the Shakespeare Festival, how could you look at your daughter, with fear and panic in her eyes and think nothing is wrong. The truth is you didn't want to deal with it. The thought that I was suffering was too much for you to handle, so you ignored it. (I was going through Jack's abuse at the time and I freaked out because a lady touched me) There were times that you tried to be there for me, but after everything else, I didn't trust you. Sometimes you would tell me that dad didn't mean what he said and that you didn't like it when he was like that either. But I learned very young that words meant nothing and that the next time dad yelled at me you were just going to blame it on me anyway's. Why did you do that? I'm sure all you wanted was to protect you, so you didn't feel responsible, so you blamed it on me. I can count on one hand the number of times you have been there for me. You tried to control everything I did, so that you would feel in control of your own life. You knew how much pain I was in because of dad's abuse, but you did nothing. I knew it was destroying me because it destroyed you and all your other children. You didn't tell me until 6 months later, once I told you that sometime was wrong, that you finally acknowledged that you knew all along something was majorly wrong in my life. Why didn't you ask me questions, why did you not support me? I felt so unloved. Where were you on my wedding day? Why did you decided to show up only 15 minutes before my sealing? I am so glad that's husband's mom was there for me that day. She is the one who helped me get dressed and ready, I don't think I could have done it alone. You don't know how much it hurt me that you showed up only minutes before the wedding and only stuck around long enough after to be in some pictures and then you left. That day was hard enough not having my mom with me, but I didn't have my grandma either. My mother-in-law on the other hand was there for me, she knew how badly I needed to have a mom on my wedding day. I was shocked that she stayed at the temple with us until all the pictures were done, she could have left long before, but instead she went back up to the dressing room with me to make sure I didn't need anything that I was okay. I can't believe that someone I had only known 3 months cared more about me then you did on my wedding day. Why did you all of a sudden decide to be a mom to be right before the reception? You were so excited to help me get dressed and ready, like I was about to get married, but you missed that part. it is sad that the only good memorizes I have of you on my wedding day was you helping me get ready for the reception, not the sealing! It was hard when you called me today just to ask if we were playing our Wii. Is that all you care about? Why didn't you ask how I was doing, how I was feeling? This past week has been so rough and it is hard facing the things without my parents knowing. You don't even seem to care. I know if I were to tell what is going on you will just freak out about it or once again blame it on me, like I did something wrong to deserve this. I have never felt like you have ever been there for me emotionally. Today you asked me where I had been, I told you a meeting, when you asked what for, I knew I couldn't tell you why, because you wouldn't support me in going to counseling yet again and you would also think I had either made it up or it was my fault. So I told you it was just a church meeting. Your response was, "Oh, I see. It is none of my business." Why couldn't you have said that if I ever needed to talk about it that you would be there for me? Why do I feel like Sister Parker and my friend from SOLE are better mom's to me then you ever will be? Because they are there for me, they can tell when I am hurting and they care enough to ask and make sure I am okay. They are always there for me, they don't pick when to and when not to be supportive. You don't know how much you have hurt me through the years, just by not being there for me.

2/6/08

A letter to a friend from SOLE. 2/6/2008 I was just thinking about you the other day & then again today! Last Thursday I was talking to my counselor, James, and I just wanted to tell you about something that happened. Over the past few weeks I have been having a hard time with what my parents have done and said to me. I can't imagine doing any of those things to my child. It was too painful for me to actually tell James what they did, so I wrote it down before I went and gave it to him to read. As we were talking about the things I wrote, I could feel mom there with me. I kept looking at the chair next to me because I kept expecting her to be there. I could hear her say how proud of me she was for telling James all those things and dealing with them. It was a neat experience and interesting because we were just talking about experiences like that a few weeks ago. Group has been great! The first two weeks we were just warming up and this week we started talking about our experiences and the different things we still feel. Even during the first week I talked like I never did during SOLE. It still seems weird sometimes when I talk and don't hold everything back. Then at the same time I finally feel like I am being the real me! For the past two weeks,the person who is over the group, has really put me on the spot and I actually freely, willingly talk to him. I actually volunteered to share my abuse story next week. It is so crazy, because this was not me at all 4 years ago, you remember how I was! My life at times still seems like an up hill battle. Every time I start to adjust and deal with all my trials something else comes along. My life seems so overwhelming right now, all I can do is just keep going.

1/16/08

I have tried working on the letter to myself. It has been hard and a little overwhelming. Looking at pictures of me when I was in middle school has been hard. Thinking about how much pain that girl is going through is the toughest. I decided to do group again(this was group #2)! I am really nervous about it. I felt like I needed that extra support, since my family doesn't know, so I e-mailed some people from SOLE. So far only one person has written back. That and what Sister Parker wrote really means a lot to me. She wrote "Hi there! Wow is all I can say. I love you and I am very proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to face reality. I know Heavenly Father is wrapping his arms around you right now. If I was there I would too!" I was just looking at a quilt I made as a teenager with mom b and my sister. I remember working on it and finishing it. When when we were done sister and I put them on our beds and mom b yelled at us that we weren't supposed to use them. So it has been sitting in the closet for almost 10 years. I saw it and got it out, thinking maybe I should use it. As I laid it out I decided that I couldn't, it was too painful.

1/14/08

I have known this for years, but all of a sudden it is all sinking in and realizing why. I don't eat. There are days I have to force myself to, but I hate eating. I didn't realize it until just now, but as a teenager there was a lot of verbal abuse involving food or dinner. I was constantly being told that I was fat. Even at 18 I was told that if I didn't like what was for dinner I had to starve, so I did. I now find it easier just to eat at restaurants because it is safe. I don't know how to explain in. When we would go to a restaurant as a family I could have what I wanted for once and there was no arguing. I eat fast food almost every day for lunch in high school, so now that is a comfort. Today for lunch I was excited to have these raviolis that I knew my husband wouldn't eat. I was starving and actually wanted to eat. Then when they were done I eat maybe 3 & decided it was too cold, so I heated it up and had maybe 1 more & realized that I just didn't want to eat. Most of the time all I want to eat is candy. I am worried that this might be making it harder for me to get pregnant.

1/11/08

It is too hard to look at pictures of myself from 13 - 18. All I can think is how I don't like that girl, I don't like what her life was like or what she was going through. It has never bothered me before looking at pictures of myself, but right now it is too hard. When I look at her face I can see all her pain. That is all I can think about when I see her face, all her pain and how she didn't want to live. When I saw the picture of our family in Hawaii all I can think is that when that picture was taken my mom was trying to get me to drink alcohol. I shouldn't have had to be in that situation. I shouldn't have had to tell my own mom when I was 16 that I was not going to drink. I shouldn't have gone through that, any of it. I can't believe what Jack did to me. That I had to go through that and no one knew. I was completely alone. When I look at pictures of myself from 19 on, I finally see this happy girl who made it though everything.

1/2008

I just LOVE this letter from Sister Parker. It is from almost 2 years ago. (Jan. 2008) "I'm so impressed with you and I always have been. You're a good good girl from the inside out. I know that you have had a hard life and things have happened to you in your childhood that should not happen to any child. I always felt that your dad was so mean and abusive to you mentally. All you've ever wanted was to love and be love and people that you should have been about to trust have let you down. You're done such a great job of holding your life together and getting the help that you need. You've faced things head on and done what you need to do to get help. I'm glad that you recognized and remembered what happened to you so that you can deal with it and that you are now back in counseling and that it's been wonderful. You have always always been someone very special to me. Somehow God gave me a glimpse of your goodness and greatness and everytime I even think about you I know you're someone very special. You'll be okay. You'll be okay because the Lord will watch over you. You deserve his choicest blessings and He'll never let you down. He's been there all through your life and He'll be there again. Just stay strong in your faith and turn to Father in Heaven and He'll be there for you. Thank you for sharing this with me. I'll keep you in my personal prayers. You have such a positive attitude. I'm impressed that you went through all your journals and have come to the conclusion that as hard as all of this is for you right now that it's easy compared to 4 years ago. I think you're right. You have a wonderful husband, and together you can tackle anything. You've come so far and you know it and you appreciate God's help getting you through it. You're very wise. The Lord has prepared you for this stage of your life. He has whispered through the Spirit that something was wrong and something was happening so and made you strong enough to handle it. What a great way to look at this challenge in your life. I think you're one of the greates people I know. You can handle it because the Lord will help you. I will always try to be here for you. Keep me informed and I'll keep you in my prayers. I love you...I really love you." Doesn't it just make you cry? Well, it makes me cry. I think about all the time I spent talking to her, all the hugs and tears, most of all- all of the support! - Sometimes I do my blog post months in advance. When I decided to put this up as my Christmas post I did not know that Sister Parker s husband would pass away exactly 1 month before Christmas. While Christmas shopping I found this cute little quote by Neal A. Maxwell. It made me think of Sister Parker. I have been meaning to mail it to her and haven't. Well, for Christmas we were down there and dropped it off. It was so good to see her. It has been years since I have seen her! Thank goodness for e-mail! I got home to an e-mail from her... she always makes me cry (or at least tear up)!

1/9/2008

I've been feeling a little blah lately. I know there is more work I need to do, I just don't know what it is! James and I talked about me writing Jack a letter... Still haven't started on that, or even thought about since our last visit. James asked on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being I really need to write Jack a letter as part of my healing, how do I feel about it. Is it weird that I don't have a desire at all to write Jack a letter? I had the strong desire, and actually wrote and sent a letter to Colleen. That was something I felt I 100% needed in my healing. I just don't know what I would say to Jack. I guess I don't have that much to say to him. "You hurt me. I don't like you. I never want to see you ever again. I think you're a jerk." That pretty much sums it up! James and I talked about a "safe place". It made me think of the fact that I never really had much safety/ stability. It makes me sad that there was zero stability in the parenting of me. Now that I think about it, our tree house was my safe place growing up. It was my little get away/ haven. Unfortunately my grandpa tore it down right around the same time I started watching Jack. Even though my "safe place" can be anything, the beach, the mountains, a room, a church, a temple, anything. When I think of "safe place" I picture Sister Parker's house. I always felt so safe there. As a teenager the LDS Temple in Las Vegas brought me so much comfort. It was another safe place for me. We also talked about my comfort kit. Mine is mostly pictures. Although I did think of a few more things today! So I am adding... I remember when I made this blanket. It was for a young women's project. It has always been one of my favorites. It was in my "Emergency Bag". I took in on the Church History Tour with me. 2 years ago I worked at a daycare and I left this blanket there for my 2-year-old foster daughter to use during her nap time. I thought I had left it there and had lost it forever. Back in June my husband and I went camping and we just grabbed a bag of blankets. When we were setting up the tent I opened the bag and this blanket was in there! This is thanks to SOLE.... I don't remember what week it was, but our homework was to do something for ourselves. It took a lot of thought to come up with this. Back then I did NOT relax. I used to use this more often, but haven't used it much anymore. My comfort has becomes baths! I love them! I can NOT stress out when I am in them. They just relax me and I never want to get out. This past week I've been living in the bath tub, it is one thing that helps with my PCOS, which has been really bad lately. I actually thought of this post while in the bath tub just a few minutes ago! If anyone ever needs a gift idea for me- bubble bath! Speaking of that I need to add- LOVE this stuff!!!! I remember when Bath and Body Works came out with their aromatherapy stuff and I instantly fell in love with the "Stress Relief". Also our local Wal-Mart has smelly wax things, I have no idea what they're called, but one day I noticed one labeled Stress Relief. It smells exactly like the stuff from Bath and Body Works. I love it because I can make my whole house smell like stress relief. Seriously, this stuff is amazing. One sniff and my stress just melts away! Oh and FYI, the kind I like is the Eucalyptus Spearmint, they have a few different stress relief ones. I also love their "Sleep- Lavender Chamomile" Now they just need to make one for cramp relief! My homework: work on my safe place, draw it. finish reading the papers James gave me last time!

1-6-08

I met with James on Thursday. We talked a little about the cutting and how my family reacted to it. James thinks that the way my family treated me was worse than the cutting. I actually think so too. James asked me if i thought only weird, bad people cut, no one normal does? I said yes, because that is what i think, but it isn't true. It was the first time that someone told me that I wasn't bad for doing it. It was my way to deal with things & I just need to learn a better way to deal with it all.

1/2008

Dear (me), I know how much pain you are in. I know that it is hard right now, but your going to make it. You have more strength then you think. I'm sorry for how rough your life has been. Never forget that you are not alone. I don't like looking at your picture because it breaks my heart & makes me sad to think about what you are going though. You are trying so hard to just fit in, to be normal for once. You try to be happy all the time so no one will know that anything is wrong. You just want to be accepted, you want to be loved for once. There will be many people in your life that will love and support you the way you want your family to. It is tough when you have no one, but you won't be alone forever. It isn't fair that you have to go though all these trials. No one should have to go through everything you have & have yet to, but you do. You can make it because you are strong. One thing Sister Parker always told me "stay strong" and you do, you just keep going. You have shut down all your feelings to protect yourself. I know you didn't have a voice back then, but you do now.