3/12/08

Ted, As I sit here looking at the St. George Temple I have a mix of emotions. I can picture in my mind your wedding pictures. It is hard to think about what happened in there almost 26 years ago. You were sealed to your wife and children for time and all eternity. Less then 3 year later you abandoned that family and church. The only peace I receive is from the fact that no matter what you do, you can not break seal between my sister and I and our mom. I remember seeing pictures of you for the first time. I was about 6, my mom sat me down on the couch and showed me your wedding pictures. I didn't know what to do or think as she sat there crying. I don't understand why you did what you did. It hurts to think there is not a single picture of you with me. I don't know if I can believe anything you say to me. At the same time I still desperately want a relationship with you. I want to actually have a parent who is there for me and cares about me. I feel like every time I turn around someone is either hurting or leaving me. I'm tired of it. Why can't I just have one parent or grandparent who is there for me? I feel like I have been abandoned by everyone. First you, then my mom, grandparents, and my sister, then you reject me again. Why don't you love me? Why do you feel like you have to lie to me and turn me against my family? Why can't I have a relationship with just you, forget about the past and start over. I wonder what will tell my kids about you. I don't know right now because I am still hoping that you might actually care enough to be around for them. The way everything has gone the past 23 years, I need to just realize that it is never going to happen and move on.