4/4/08

Dear Self, I have really struggled with actually wanting to be there for you. I guess with all my trust issues I'm afraid it will lead to more disappointment and abandonment. I need to write this book for you. When I was younger I always wanted to have my own voice, but I wasn't allowed to. It has been such a huge part of my healing. I have loved writing it, but now going back and reading it still shocks me that all those things happened. The people in my life that have been there for me support me in writing it. I could tell by the look on my grandma's face that she wasn't to thrilled about the idea. She would rather have you remain silent and stuffed inside me still suffering. I don't want that anymore. I want your voice to be heard for once. I've been going through my journals and finding things I had forgotten to include in the book. As I read what I had written the night I started cutting, I can feel all the pain I felt. It makes me glad that I write it down. I forgot some details of that night. I have forgotten a lot of things my grandpa said to me. My heart breaks for you. I am still hesitant to commit to being there for you. I worry I will just let myself down or I won't be as good as Sister Parker has been. I'm sorry your life had to be like that. I often forget what you went through every day and how much pain you used to be in. I hope the book helps and that I can actually get it out there. It makes me feel like you are no longer silenced and you can finally let it all out. You kept it in for so long and have changed and grown so much.