Rules of a Dysfunctional Family

Today I was cleaning the bathroom I flashed back to one of the many rules in my house growing up. I now find humor in all these little things I could not do and things to triggered abuse, as they are all ridiculous! So here is a funny post about Rules of a Dysfunctional Family.

I was not allowed to do this, even at 18-years-old!

Why? Because I might spill bleach on the carpet...

This was a no-no after vacuuming...

This was the proper way...

And no I did NOT get those picture switched!

These were just a few things that triggered being verbally attacked-

9 times out of 10, it wasn't even me, but I got it anyways!


This is my actual trash can from when I was a teenager. If I had a piece of paper in my trash can on garbage day, watch out!

I did learn some new rules about how to have a functional family while doing foster care. Our 6-year-old's therapist taught me about picking your battles. Is THAT something you really want to get in an argument about? On a scale of 1 to 10 how important is it? I learned a lot and how him doing certain things like changing his clothes 3 times a day did not cause the end of the world. He was actually great about it and always put his clothes in the hamper, I was just tired of doing his laundry 3 times a week.

9/21/09

Visit #5 and 6
Yes it has been a crazy week to say the least. After 5 + years of marriage we are still learning more and more about each other. But then again, I don't think you ever stop. Things are great between us, we are still learning new and important things. I have been surprised and have laughed about our discovery this week. Sometimes it feels as if Brad is holding something back. As you can imagine it causes suspicions. After a visit with James on Tuesday and getting nowhere all week, we finally sat down Thursday night to talk. I told him that I felt like he was hiding something from me and I didn't care what it was (really, I just like the truth) just TELL me! He finally spit it out, he has been hiding his feelings and emotions! Sometimes I can be way too sensitive and I know that. He has been afraid that by saying something he will hurt my feelings. In hiding his feelings from me it has seemed like a bigger deal then it is. So he happened to have Friday off and went with me to see James.

I have found this so humorous because I was the Queen of "I don't know" and hiding/ stuffing my feelings and emotions! So we are working on it.

Friday night I flashed back to doing the Trading Post in SOLE. That's when I gave up my being closed up/ hiding and stuffing my feelings and emotions. I had my husband do it, although I did get some giggles from him and my friend who was there when I said "Picture a purple and gold Miss American banner" I had to start about 3 times before I got him to be serious!

I (and now my husband too) Traded: Being closed up for a banner and string

Picture a purple and gold Miss American banner which says "I Don't Know" draped across you. You look down and read the words and you rip it off and stomp it on the ground. "I don't know" is gone forever. Then you notice a string with a ring on it, and when you pull it your true feelings come out. "I miss you, Mom", "I love you, husband", "I am angry at you, Dad". You pull the string over and over with no fear and you say what you are thinking and feeling.

9/20/09

I had an appointment with James today, it got re-scheduled to next Tuesday. Coincidentally my grandma called just 30 minutes before I was to see James. I called her yesterday, they didn't answer so I left a message. The conversation was normal, well as normal as can be. There is a lot of silent gaps while talking to her, after years of this I am used to it. During our conversation she asked how I was doing? Fine. Just before we hung up she asked, Are you sure you're fine? Yes, why are you asking? Because you're really quiet and I wonder if there's something going on.

Now why would this annoy me? Well, first off I've been quiet since I was born, it's not abnormal for me not to talk. Secondly, when I do tell her things she either doesn't want to talk about it, minimizes it or makes it my fault. Does that sound like I really would want to talk to her about things going on in my life?

She did this same things over a year and a half ago. At the time I was seeing James dealing with things Jack did. My parents had NO idea anything went on with him and I was planning on keeping it that way. I was also being tested for some health problems, again my parents didn't know. My grandma called me one day to say they were going to be out of town, but would have their cell phone in case I needed to call and tell them ANYTHING. She kept asking if there was something she didn't know or something I wanted to tell her. I kept saying no.

After I hung up I kept thinking about it. I decided to tell her everything. I waited a little while until I felt ready. I told her everything, I don't remember her response, it wasn't wonderful or terrible. She was glad I was in counseling and encouraged me to keep going. Within a month or so of me telling her about what Jack did I was again talking to her on the phone. I asked her if she had told my dad, No because it would hurt him too much. She went on to tell me that she always thought it was weird when I watched Jack. Part of me wanted to know why and part of me didn't want to hear that my mom had a feeling something was going on. I asked why. "Because the dad was always there when you watched him." I was taken back, I don't remember the dad being there and then I asked her what that had to do with it. "Because the dad is the one who did it!" Really? How clear was I when I told her Jack did, not Jack's dad! She then asked, "It was the kid? What did he do touch you once or something?" I ended the conversation there.

After the test result came back negative my husband and I had a new theory on what was wrong with me (physically that is). The problem, it was something that happened when I was 17, I had told my mom about my health problem and she ignored it. I decided to approach her about it and knew how she was going to respond, by turning it around and making it MY fault. I started the conversation with, "Remember when this happened?" Yes. "Do you remember me telling you about how I was in constant pain because of it?" Yes... Not more than 5 seconds after I told her she was trying to turn it around, "How was I supposed to know you were in pain?" Because I told you and YOU ignored it, you just said you remember me telling you! I can't remember how many times in that conversation she attempted to make it my fault, but it was a constant battle.

There is also this post- here- I told her I was going back to seeing James and of course she had no interests in the subject. So why now? And really, why should I? I'm not trying to be mean, I wish I could trust her. I wish I could tell her and feel safe about it, but I can't.

Photo Friday: Pick Me!

In addition to Music Mondays, I'm going to try to do Photo Fridays. While in group #2, we did drawings on 3 different occasions and I enjoy drawing my feelings, emotions and flashbacks. I am also currently working on some things with James. I am starting with drawing and I know I need to work my way up to a letter, but it seems too much for right now.

This is my first current drawing for James. After talking about my mom's death and my controlling grandparents this is the first thing I drew about.


(Grandma) is telling me what to do and say. I am small and voiceless.

9/12/09

Visit # 4
Today with James was hard. It was a subject I do NOT talk about. (I said in my previous post, but I'm feeling emotionally drained for a while on the subject, my mom's death) James soon found out why. I was really anxious and nervous to talk about this for the first time. He asked if I was ready, if I wasn't we could wait. I just wanted it to be over with!

This past week as I've prepared for today, I realized that it has been anger and not sadness that has been bottled up. As I wrote out every little detail that I can remember that went on during that time I saw just how angry I am at the way things were handled. My favorite part of the session, James commented on how abusive and controlling the situation was. My exact words to him, "Oh, NO, it gets WORSE!"

I was surprised when he told me I was already at step 3.
Step 1, survive it. According to James I did a really good job at that.
Step 2, talking about it, which I did today with James, Yay, so glad that's over with.
On to #3...

Goals for this week-
draw about anger/ how I feel and/or
write letters to mom B and dad, possibly from my 7 year-old prospective

Sorry, I feel like I'm leaving a lot of details out.

This was the first thing I did, This is my 7 year-old "want"list-
I want to deal with my mom's death
I want a normal life
I want to be heard
I want to know about my mom
I want to be able to remember my mom
I want pictures of my mom
I want to remember what my mom smells like
I want to cry

9/8/09

SOLE standing for Survivors of Life's Experiences, although it is for ANY life experiences, let's face it, it focuses on abuse. My upcoming appointment with James is going to be rough, very emotionally rough. In my life there have been 3 "big" or main things that happened- Grandpa's abuse, Jack's abuse and my mom's death.

While seeing Joy we dealt mostly with Grandpa's verbal abuse and control. We talked a little about my mom's death, but never went into ANY details. SOLE was focused on dad as well, although I finally found some healing from my mom's death as I learned so much about the Atonement during SOLE.

Then I saw Aaron where we dealt with... nothing. He jumped around so much is never made sense. I saw him to deal with Jack's abuse, but he would always ask about my depression, my self image and occasionally wanted to talk about my mom's death but we never did.

I started seeing James Oct. of 2 years ago. We focused on Jack's abuse and Brad and I's relationship because of Jack's abuse.

Now I'm back with James. I think I started seeing him again because of Jack, I've already forgotten. Our first visit was about Jack, second and third visits about dad and now #4 is going to be about my mom's death.

Towards the end of the session when I told him I wanted to talk about it, he asked if I have told him the details before. Since it has been well over a year since I've seen him and you can imagine how many people he see and all the different things he hears, I don't blame him, in fact I'm impressed with what he does remember! I told him, No, I have not told him about it because I do NOT talk about it. It's finally time, after almost 18 years, it's time to tell someone. A few people have heard the story, but I think it was the most traumatic event in my life and still affects me 18 years later, dealing with PTSD, I need to talk to a professional about it!

Today (Monday) had been a very fun filled day. 2 friends and I went out to dinner, went shopping and were having tons of fun. Before heading home someone threw out going to the temple, okay sounds like fun! I didn't realize the affect walking around THAT temple was going to have on me while preparing to talk to James about my mom's death. THAT temple is bittersweet. My mom was endowed there. My parents were sealed there. To my knowledge Ted was endowed there too.

The last time I visited Grandma I said something about not remembering much about my mom. I can't believe grandma, who has refused to tell me anything about my mom, said "You can't remember when you were 7? I can remember a lot of things from when I was that age!" It's hard for a lot of reason.

I really don't like the song "Families Can Be Together Forever". I have a family here on Earth, they are so good to me. Yeah, nice wish. They abuse, manipulate and use me as much as they can. Sure, I'm married to a wonderful man who is good to me, but that's only been for 5 of 25 years.

Hayley and I went to the temple for peace and comfort, to get away from the world and our problems. Why can't I feel peace at this temple? All I can think of is my parents failed marriage and how bitter and angry Ted is at the church.

My mom had such an amazing testimony and love for the gospel. It never wavered. It's funny that we had the same parents growing up. Her life must of been much like mine. Our personalities are a lot alike.

I wonder if these were the wedding doors they came out of? (it has been over 27 years, maybe they have changed?)
I wonder what sealing room they were sealed in? All these questions that will never get answered. It's not just that my mom died, but Ted hates me! If I did ask him questions I would always wonder if they were tainted with lies.

I have some vague memories of going to our temple's open house. But I remember being there with my mom. I mostly remember the color peach and staring up at the chandelier in the Celestial room and my mom asking if I wanted to get married there. Then being in such amazement, I stayed there looking around the Celestial room and my family went on down the stairs without me.

-cue hives, sigh. Friday isn't going to be much better. Maybe I should take some benadryl before I even talk to James!!!!

9/5/09

Visit #3
Today with James was pretty stress-free (yay, no hives!) Now, getting ready for next week, I have a feeling is going to be rough. We talked more about the controlling-ness of some members of my family. We talked more about the "Drama Triangle" and the different roles and what one I fell into.


We talked about my dad's letter, why he said what he did. How I always HAD to be his (dad's) Scapegoat!

I've become comfortable talking about all my upbringing and all the abuse, but this is totally different. For the first time with any of my therapist/ counselors I will be talking about my mom's death. While I was seeing Joy I realized that I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). It's something I haven't dealt with, not that I haven't wanted to, just haven't gotten around to it until now. I'm nervous as it is a story I share with very, very few people!
I'm anxious and I have the urge to start writing what I want to say now.

9/3/09

After my previous post I wanted to find and read some old letters. Back in June of 2003 I went on a church history tour. My sister had gone the year before and had told me the "secret" that when you go to the Sacred Grove you get letters from your parents. She wrote me one too and gave it to me to take... It was one of the last days on the trip. It had been 2 weeks of bliss. I love church history, I was with one of my favorite people in the world, Sister Parker and I was away from home! I don't remember what thoughts went through my mind as the read the letters then, but dad's hit me during the testimony meeting we had that night. It was one of the things my Bishop and I talked about the night he recommended me to go to counseling. Tonight I wanted to read those letters and each of them left a sting, all for different reasons.

Grandma's "...I'm sorry I haven't been a better example to you... continue to study your scriptures, I know, I see your light on late you do read and study..." Ouch, lots of reason. Long story short, mom went in-active in the church when I was about 15. At this time she still was. She tried to get me to do things that were wrong and yelled at me for doing things that are right. I'll leave it at that.

Sister's "...I also want you to know how much I love you. I have not been showing that to you recently. But you need to know that I would go crazy without you. I look forward to the days where we call each other up after having a crazy day with our own children..." Before this letter sister and were close, extremely close. Things have gone down hill, we don't really speak. It's hard to read this and still long for a relationship. I have tried so many times, it is hard to give up on our relationship. I can't blame it all on her, as I am probably just as guilty, but I wish it could work.

Grandpa's (the hardest part is him talking about his testimony of the church, feeling the spirit in the Sacred Grove when he asked if the church was true. He isn't LDS and refuses to join)"... I have to figure out how to reconnect with my spiritual side. The interest and enthusiasm has waned. Some of it has been... the pressure of raising a couple of young adults." I have always interpreted it to be my fault he hasn't joined the church. I might of been reading too much into it, but it still makes me feel responsible.

9/2/09

Weird Dreams:
I am addicted to the internet. I seriously can not live without it. I'm in a blogging mood and our internet has been acting up. Finally it's up again. I don't have much to say but I'm dying to blog. Last night I had 2 weird dreams, which is not odd for me. I'm known for having very weird dreams.
Dream one- long story, all of Brad's family was mad at me, sigh, I don't want to go there right now.

Dream two- Grandma found out I was seeing James again (in real life I've told her but she had zero interests in that) and she forced me to give her James's number, called him and wanted to know everything I have told him!

Hum, that sounds familiar? Right after I moved out of my parents house I lived with my aunt and uncle for a few months. My aunt made me give permission for Joy to talk to her. I remember when Joy told me about their conversation. My aunt and uncle blamed all my "problems" on depression and they didn't think I was old enough to live on my own.

Emotionally I'm feeling stuck. I'm unsure of what to do... Grandma called a few days ago, not much conversation as usual. I feel sad that I can't talk to her about Jack stuff. Now that I think about it, I can't talk to mother-in-law either. I did once, 2 years ago. All she had to say was forgive and forget, move on... No support, no one asking how counseling going. My husband tries... I guess I'm feeling alone in this struggle. But Why? It used to be my lack of opening up to people that held me back. Now it's my lack of people to open up to.

9/1/09

Stress = hives
Back in Dec. 2007/ Jan. 2008 I was starting to see James one-on-one and dealing with Jack stuff.
Around that same time our dog had puppies and I all of a sudden started to constantly break out in hives. At first we could not figure out why. I thought it was a food allergy. I switched my diet around and still was breaking out in hives. I had never before in my life ever had hives. My Grandma told me that when she was a kid she got them everyday for weeks/ months and no one ever knew why. Okay, maybe it is a weird genetic thing? The only thing I didn't change was touching the puppies. Eventually the hives stopped, but within a year I broke out a few more times after being around other dogs. I came to the conclusion that I must be allergic to dogs.

Friday after my visit with James I was on my way to my friends house and I realized that I was getting hives again, on their favorite spot, my legs. I started thinking about it. Our dog had another litter of puppies, I never broke out. What is the common thing going on here? Seeing James !!! Oh my gosh, that's it! It has been all the stress that counseling brings that has been causing my hives all along. I better stock up on Benadryl...