9/12/10

A different kind of loss...
Back in June some emotions got stirred up in me and I all of a sudden remembered something that happened 18 years ago. My cousin blogged about Grandparents Day at her kids school and how her parents were able to go. Today is National Grandparents Day. To the best of my memory this even was 18 years ago today. (well, back in 1992 it was on Sept. 13)

It was Grandparents Day at my school. My mom had just passes away the December before. I remember sitting in the multi-purpose room and there was some program or something like it going on. I remember sitting there feeling sad and a sense of loss. My mom had just died, her parents adopted me making them my parents, meaning I too lost my grandparents. I felt as if they too had died. That connection I had to them as my grandparents was gone.

And for nearly 18 years I blocked out that memory. I forgot about that little girl, sitting in that room, feeling sad. She was still trying to mourn the loss of her mom, but also feels the loss of her grandparents.

One thing I have always admired in my parents is that at Christmas they always made sure to give presents from both Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa. I'm not just saying that because I get twice as many presents, But I LOVE that they acknowledge both those relationships.

So little girl, it's okay to mourn that loss of that relationship. But they never forget that they are both mom and dad and also grandma and grandpa.

9/4/10

Like I had mentioned before, my sister and I don't always get along. At times I have tried to work on our relationship, but it hasn't always worked out like I had planned or hoped. I have not physically seen her for a year and a half. This weekend we are both in town visiting our parents together. We're staying different places, but obvious we still see each other and are spending time in the same room. I didn't know what to expect. But I have prepared.

Even though we don't always see eye to eye or get along 100% of the time, my object is to be nice and attempt to get along. This also was the first time she would meet Em. The main reason Brad and I came to town was for my cousin's twins baptism. While at the church Em got passed around to different family members. At one point Brad told me to look, my sister was holding Em. One of my cousin kept wanting to hold Em again, but I told her, No let my sister hold her this is the first time she's met her.

During the luncheon my niece and nephews kept coming over and talking to Em and I. She was again getting passed around and I look over and my brother-in-law had her. My cute little niece was loving holding her, I got some cute pictures of them too.

Afterwards I was texting MacKenzie and she asked how things were with my sis. I told about her holding Em and she responded, "You let her hold your daughter?" I told her, "I'm trying with my sister. The object is to be civil. I'm not opening myself up for getting hurt, but I'm putting forth and effort."

How much worse would I make things if I said, "No. You have treated me horribly at times so no you can NOT hold my child!" That would only make things worst. I also thought about it in another was, is my child in physical danger by my sister holding her, No. Now, if it were someone like Jack, would I let him hold her, No. I even let my Grandpa around her. At the luncheon I was about to eat and he wasn't so I had him hold her while I eat. I'm 99% sure he isn't standing there whispering verbal abuse to her, so I'm okay with that. So far this trip, no incidences (knock on wood)... But as James has pointed out, I'm so protective of my daughter, I do NOT let dad do anything in front of her or around her!

We got together again for dinner and for my niece and nephew's birthday parties. Where I once again found my sister hold my little girl. I got some pictures of my sis with her and also was proud of the fact that I got a picture of all my Mom's grandkids and for once I have a kid in it!

7/9/10

1 month ago our foster daughter's birth mom, Jen, decided to relinquish her parental rights and place her daughter for adoption so Brad and I can adopt her! It has been so exciting and hard at the same time.

When Jen decided to relinquish I wanted 2 things- a picture of my daughter, Em, with Jen  and I had a list of questions I wanted answered for Em's info. 1 month ago Jen  said she wanted a final visit and obviously I really wanted one too. Jen put off court for a few weeks, but finally relinquished on a few weeks ago. At court all she wanted was a final visit, I was excited to get all the things I wanted from her for Em. We set up the visit for the next day and she didn't show up, which is common for her. Our caseworker said she was only going to give her a few chances at this. It was over a week before Jen  contacted the office and requested another final visit.

I was once again excited to get the picture and have her answer my questions. I was nervous that she wouldn't show. Brad, Em and I got over there and waited. The caseworker had talked to her hours earlier and she said she was going to be there. Well, guess what? She didn't show! Our caseworker is awesome and she said she was done trying unless we were willing to keep coming in and trying, of course I am. I should emphasize how very important this final visit has been for me. I had to fight back the tears in our caseworkers office. Once we got home Brad and I talked about it and the fact that it might never happen and I cried. It is really breaking my heart for my daughter that her own birth mom is doing this. I'm leaving out a lot of details, but it's besides the point.

Our caseworker came over today for her monthly home visit. I should add that one day as the caseworker and I were talking I really opened up to her and she knows a lot about my past and what I've been though. I think the only thing she doesn't know is about Jack. So we started talking about how the final visit is probably never going to happen and I started crying again. I explained to our caseworker how I am feeling about all this. It just brings up all the stuff with my biological father. I have pictures of him, but none of him and I in the same picture. (which I would LOVE) I know nothing about him. I mean sure the guy is a jerk, but still I want to know. Now my daughter is going to be raised feeling the same hurt I feel about my biological father! I just can't stop crying about it because it makes me so mad that Jen is doing this. She is being selfish and the idea of my daughter feeling this pain is breaking my heart.

Our caseworker said she might be able to get us Jen's mug shoot. I told her I'll take it. I will take ANYTHING to be able to show my daughter what her birth mom looks like! I can't write more tonight, I'm tired of crying.

*Update- Several weeks later we did have our visit. I got the pictures I wanted and got the info I was hoping for too. This was the start of our open adoption.

6/20/10

Finally doing it! After my last meeting with James I've become more determined then ever to actually do Something! I love being a mom, but I truly feel like there is more out there for me to do! I've thought about going into Psychology, I want to, but not ready to take that plunge yet, especially since I'm a new mom of a 7 month-old! Tonight I sat down with my husband and he helped me come up with a list of things I needed to do so I can tackle one thing at a time. I have a problem of getting overwhelmed easily and jumping from point A to point Z! I'm excited and trying to get my butt in gear and stay motivated. My big fear, as always, Failure! I'll do a separate post with all the details....

I need to finish blogging about my LAST visit with James ever. I was doing fine, I really was, until we were like 10 minutes from being done and I just started crying!!! Shocking, me crying, I know I always cry. The famous James line, "What are those tears saying?" I was nervous and anxious about the future is what. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. Now that I've archived my #1 dream, being a mom, I need to figure out what's next for me. My baby steps work on my book. We'll see how they go and if I don't feel fulfilled enough I will work on my degree. I know I should just work on my degree now, but now is not the time for me! James and I's session went great. I'm still trying to figure out boundaries because it appears that the more I enforce boundaries the more someone else ups their game! Sigh, I'm keeping at it! I probably will be more stick about my boundaries because of my daughter and how I do not want her exposed to such things!

6/18/10

Well 12 hours from now is my final appointment with James . A few years ago when I was James and we got to our final appointment I was very anxious about it. I wasn't completely sure I was ready to be done. This time around I have a whole new set of things to be anxious about!

All of my fears revolve around being a parent! I'm worried that I'm not ready. I'm scared to death that I'm going to be a horrible mom! I mean I have zero patience and the kids I baby-sit just annoy me most of the time! I'm also just trying to figure out how to do/ handle it all!

-I'll write more later. I have to get up early to take my husband to work, yeah it sucks having only 1 car! Then he doesn't know if he will or will not be able to take his lunch when I have my appointment with James so I might have to take Em with me!

6/7/10

Part of my homework with James was to talk to my new Bishop S about my past and what I've done healing wise. It didn't really go as I expected. I've done a LOT of healing work and although I wouldn't say I've 100% forgiven Jack, I'm working on it. The subject in church all started during Sunday School, we started talking about forgiveness, particularly in a marriage, but it took a different turn. The teacher talked about how she had been sexually abused and she though she had dealt with it until she got married, she when sought heal and through priesthood blessings and such (she didn't mention counseling) she found the forgiveness she was looking for. I started thinking, Have I really forgiven Jack? She started talking about how that bitterness goes away as you forgive. As I thought about it I realized, that bitterness I used to have is gone. I'm not saying I like him, but a lot of the strong negative feels have gone away.

Back to talking to my bishop. It is still awkward, I'm new I don't really know him, even though I am open about everything, I don't like telling my whole life story all the time! Plus, forgot to mention Brad was at work so I was there solo with the 6 month old, not exactly easy/ fun. So I did it, told him the short version. I didn't really get into all the healing work I had done, he flipped open his scriptures and started reading a few to me (don't forget there was a whinny 6 month old in the room too, so I wasn't 100% there). Well if you read my blog at all then I hope you know my strong love, and testimony of the Atonement. I accredit my healing that has taken place to that. My bishop talked to me a little about the Atonement and how it helps in healing, I completely understand. In fact I want very much to be able to do SOLE again! Going from SOLE to Group 2 was like taking a step backwards for me. Because SOLE was so amazing, I can't describe what it was like, then Group 2 wasn't as deep as SOLE was. Not complaining about it, it was just different. Then my bishop started asking if I have faith in healing, yes 100% yes. He asked if I believed in the healing power of the Priesthood, again yes. He asked if I have ever gotten a Priesthood blessing to help in the healing, no. To be honest I haven't even thought about it. I've heard others mention getting them to help with the process, but I have not really thought about it. Well, before I knew it he was giving me a blessing. It was a little un-expected, I wasn't planning on getting on today, or any time soon and I was really sad that Brad wasn't there. I REALLY wish I had said something and waited for him, he got off work about 10 minutes after we were done! :(

To describe my day in one word, Long. I had a rough morning- Em didn't sleep well last night, refused to nap before church, we've had a problem with ants coming and eating our dogs food so hubby sprayed for ants before work and I walked on the spray and it burns my feet, I was taking out the trash and the lid fell and broke- Brad was able to fix it later, the baby was grumpy which made me grumpy, I was wearing a brand new White skirt and while putting Em in the car I got dirt all over it so I had to run inside and change! I went to church where for the first time ever Em didn't make a peep, in fact slept trough all of Sacrament meeting! The miracle of the day, she didn't cry a single time at all during church, 3 solid hours and NO crying!!!

5/25/10

I found this article that I really like and totally agree with. I honestly believe that if my mom were alive she could tell me all I wanted to know about Ted. She was starting to share things with my older sister, who was 8 at the time, before she passed away.

( http://www.reinventingmyself.com/abandoned2.html)

I know hardly anything about Ted. This is what I do know-

His dad died before I was born, well, even before my parents got married.
His mom died in Aug. when I was 15.
I saw a picture of my grandma for the first time when I was 19.
I do know his parents names.
He grew up in the LDS church.
He served an LDS mission in Canada.
He is no longer active in the LDS church, in fact he hates it!
He has at least 1 sibling, I don't know how many brothers or sisters he has, or their names!
He has served in the Army (or was it the Navy, well something like that).
His birthday is in Jan. (is it the 26? I don't remember) No clue of what year!
I know where he lives.
He wears glasses.
He has brown hair.
I have no idea what eye color, I think brown/ Hazel. My mom had brown, so where do I get my green eyes from?
He worked for the government, I think. He is now retired.
He loves his Scottish heritage

When I "forgave" him and wanted him to be a part of my life I included questions like these so that at least my kids would know stuff about him. After all the crap he threw at me I decided I didn't want the info it was going to be tainted with lies and such.

5/22/10

I knew this has been coming for a while and not that I was trying to drag it on, I just have so many different things that have gone on. So when James would ask, do you think we're done? Nope, got another issue we haven't touched yet. Well, guess what? We're done... One more final meeting in a few weeks.

It feels weird to be done. I don't even know what else to say about this week's visit.

I did find out that my new Bishop (Bishop S), who is understand and supportive of me going to counseling and also has a son who is a counselor in town. James also asked me if I would talk to my new Bishop one on one and tell him more about my past and what work James and I have done. Sigh.... Do I have to? A) James and I are practically done. B) I hate sharing "my whole life story", because really there are so many important/ crazy details that I do have to share every last detail for things to make sense!

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. It's different now that I have a baby in my life. I always pictured myself as a stay at home mom to way too many kids. Now, I feel like I still need to figure myself out. Yes, I want to be a mom. But I also feel like there is more out there for me to do.

5/11/10

I'm behind because of moving and not having the Internet. I saw James on April 30 and not again until May 21. We talked a little bit more about my mom's death, not much more I had to say about it. A week or so before our visit I was listening to a song that made me think about me and the way I felt mostly 18 years ago, but also through the years. Sorry, it's hard to explain. It makes sense in my head but doesn't also sound right out loud. I wrote the lyrics down in my journal and James asked if I would read them. I was reluctant, and I am not sure why. So I played the song on my phone. Our previous visit he had mentioned the idea of me writing letters to people about my mom's death particularly, my parents, my sister and God. I wrote a letter to God and he had me read that.

4/16/10

Even though I'm baby-sitting, Em is sleeping so I will attempt to write!

Today with James, we talked a little bit more about my mom's death. Not actually about her death but the trauma that followed. The first memory I have about hiding my emotions: I don't remember how long after her death it was, but Grandma sat my sister and I down and had us listen to a song. I can't find the lyrics and the release date says 1996, but she died in Dec. of 1991, so I don't know. It was "I'll Build You a Rainbow" by Kapena Anyway's, I remember Grandma saying, It's okay to cry. Even at 7 I knew I had to hide my emotions so when I did start to cry I went to the bathroom to hide them. Grandma came in and again told me it was okay. How sad that at 7 years old I knew, or at least felt like I needed to hide that.

I also remember hearing my sister crying herself to sleep. Then when Grandpa would be abusive at first we both cried. Eventually my sister stopped and I asked her why. She said something to the effect that, what good does it do, he will yell any ways. I on the other hand never stopped crying, guess I'm just too emotional.

I didn't have many thoughts or feelings about my mom's death until 12 years later. I don't know if it was triggered by being in counseling with Joy or something else, but it started full force. I'd have nightmares about the morning of my mom's death. I would wake up to the sound of my sister screaming, like I did that morning. I feared sleeping because of it. It has lessened over the years. James and I talked about how shoving it down it doesn't just sit there, it causes new things/ emotions. The emotion I had the most about her death was loneliness.

4/15/10

I wrote this almost 2 weeks ago and have not got around to posting it because of a certain adorable baby taking up all my time!

My visit with James was great. Maybe it's the fact that we didn't go into any deep issues! Actually, we are almost done... The first time we finished I was really, nervous, anxious and unsure of it all. This time I think I will do better, or so I hope. We talked about a few things bothering me, one of them being inappropriate comments on this blog. I've really debated and I just can't make it private! So I decided to do comment monitoring. Yes I will still see the comment I don't want up but no one else will!

So I'm preparing for next visit... I told James , I don't really think there is anything I need to do, just need to talk about it more.

Saturday (4/3) something interesting happened. We went down to my parents for Easter and... Grandma brought up Ted. Really? Yes, the person she has not mentioned in I don't know how many years! Perfect opportunity. So I told her, "Speaking of Ted.... I have a weird/ touchy question." I asked her if she knew of anything Ted might of done to have church discipline. She really hesitated, she didn't say yes or no, just ummm. Brad was with us and told me to explain to her why I was asking. So I told her that James and I were talking about how bitter and angry Ted was at the church and James thought maybe there was church discipline is why. She then proceeded to tell me about how Ted was sexually abusive to my mom. My mom told her Stake President about it and something might of happened with that, they don't know if anything did or did not. Surprisingly, I thought something like that had happened so I wasn't that shocked at all! I asked if that was one of the reason for the divorce? Yes, one of the many. And I understand why the reasons of their divorce you would not want to tell kids. So I told her, I'm older (25) now so you can tell me these things you wouldn't tell a little kid. Another thing she said is that he would be-littler her and demean her, AKA verbal/ emotional abuse. Which I also thought was going on.

3/19/10

A Coke and Chocolate kind of visit!

I am feeling drained emotionally after my visit with James today. James's office is only a few blocks away from my house. I was on my way home and there is a gas station in between his office and home so I stopped to get a Coke then ended up getting chocolate too! Those are my "comfort" foods!

I got home and Brad was there on his lunch break baby-sitting for me. I had to take him back to work and he reminded me that it's "free frazil Friday" for March. Frazil's are like slurpees/ slushies. MacKenzie and Brad work at the same place and the little boy I watch wanted to go see the chicks and ducks inside the store. So I asked MacKenzie what kind of frazil she wanted, Lemonade, which I also my favorite. I went to the 5 stores in town that have frazil and none of them had lemonade! I got her a root beer and headed back to their store. I was a little nervous about going in holding 2 frazil's with a 2-year-old and my dog who's leash I forgot at home! Well, needless to say my dog ended up peeing inside the store! Then I needed to go to the bathroom and while I was peeing the 2-year-old let my dog out of the bathroom so she was running around the store all by herself!

Now the little guy I was watching is gone I have time to sit and relax. I'm still feeling emotionally drained! You know that feeling right after you've cried, yep still feeling it 2 1/2 hours later! It wasn't even that deep of a session, just an emotional one. We continued with talking about Ted. We finished up going through the "letter" I wrote.

We started up where we left off last week-

12. I don't remember Ted ever saying out loud that he loved us. The only time I recall is in his nasty e-mails from a few years ago. In those same e-mails that called me names. It felt a lot like when my dad would say "I love you." It was followed by/ with abuse!

13. It is one thing to have parents that are deceased, but a whole 'nother thing when they choose to not be a part of your life. I'm sitting here wondering, What am I going to tell my kids? What will I say when they ask about their grandpa? I have pictures and stories and lots of fond memories about my mom to share when them, but what will I said about Ted? Seriously, I have NO idea what to do or say. Good thing I have many years before I have to deal with that.

14. My faith/ religion has been the one steady and good thing in my life. So when Ted claims that the LDS church has been so awful to him, it is hard. He refuses to tell me why. I never thought of it until today, but James mentioned maybe there was "church discipline". Like if He did something wrong and was dis-fellowshiped or excommunicated from the church. At first I started to tell James, "but my parents would of told me about that... no wait, they might not." Just maybe they are hiding something like that about Ted. I do respect the fact that people are other faiths or are inactive in the LDS church, but you don't have to be mean and nasty about it!

15. I covered in my previous Ted visit with James

16. This ties in with #14.

17. If you haven't realized I'm a very open person. But 7 years ago I was so closed up and private, it was killing me. I LOVE being open and wish sometimes I could be more open with people, but I know certain people don't want to hear about my abuse story or my problems with PCOS. Since Ted is full of lies and I can't trust him I can't ever fathom telling Ted all about things that have happened. Who knows what he would do with the info!

18. It took me years to get to the point where I felt like I could forgive Ted. I finally found it in my heart to do it and started fantasizing about possibly have a relationship with him! Nothing big or wonderful, but something. Maybe actually have him at my kids birthday parties, talking on the phone about what is going on in our lives. It didn't have to be perfect. But that all came crashing down and now I have to give up those hopes I had for all of a few weeks. Here I am 3 1/2 years later and it still makes me sad!

19. It's just that- it doesn't have to be perfect, wonderful or spectacular, just 2 civilized people that can get along.

20. and 21. That's the same as #17

22. Same as 13

23. That is the only side of him I have ever seen. I wish I could know the real him, if there is anything beside being angry and bitter! Like what does he like to do, that kind of stuff.

24. James talked about how Ted didn't deserve that title. He also talked about majority of these thing are about Ted, not me. It's not that I didn't deserve his love, it about Ted and the choices and mistakes he made.

25. This one was a little different, because in reality I would not of wanted him at my wedding/ sealing or even being outside the temple. But I wish he was a worthy, LDS temple recommend holder that I had a decent relationship with. I also confessed to James, it was My decision that he was not at my wedding, because I didn't invite him. I am now curious as to what would of happened if I had invited him. Would he of shown up at the temple to be there, probably not. Would he of come to the reception, I have no idea! I would say, maybe and maybe not, I don't know. The way he feels about my family might of kept him from coming. But maybe he wouldn't even want to of been there at all. Maybe he deep down loved me and would of put aside his feelings about my family for a few hours to be with me. I will never know!

Homework: James threw out the idea of drawing a picture of my "letter" to Ted. What would it look like? Who would be in it? I'm am really curious now as to what would come out. I just might do it, as it was optional, not my real homework.

My assignment: "The Bridge" Look back and see how far you've come in your healing. Draw a picture with a bridge in it and place your self somewhere in the picture representing where you are at this point in your life.

3/15/10

I met with James last Friday. It was a really good session. Last time we started talking about Ted stuff and my feeling about it all. I went to write a letter and this is what just came out-

1. I feel hurt that you were never there for me.
2. I feel hurt that you never seemed to care.
3. I feel hurt that my grandma never bothered to meet me.
4. I feel hurt about the accusations you made about my mom.
5. I feel hurt about the accusations you made about my family.
6. I feel hurt by your lies.
7. I feel hurt that you claim you have never lied to me and yet I have caught you in lies.
8. I feel hurt by your threats to take me away from my family.
9. I feel hurt by the names you have called me.
10. I feel hurt that you blame everything that goes wrong in your life on my family.
11. I feel hurt by a lot of the things you have said to me.
12. I feel sad when you claim you love me.
13. I feel sad that my children can not have either of my parents be a part of their lives.
14. I feel sad about your bitterness towards the church.
15. I feel sad that even when you did come around, you still were not a part of my life.
16. I feel sad sometimes when I see the St. George Temple and think about the fact that you were married and sealed to my mom there.
17. I feel sad that I can't share things about me and my life with you.
18. I feel sad that I forgave you and wanted you to be a part of my life and in return you rejected me.
19. I wish we could have a decent relationship.
20. I wish I could be open and honest with you.
21. I wish you would tell me the truth.
22. I wish my kids could know their grandpa.
23. I wish I could really know you beneath your bitterness and anger.
24. I wish I could call you dad.
25. I wish you could of been at my wedding.
26. I wish I didn't feel so hurt by you.

When I was done sharing that with James , he asked if he suggested me to write it like that? Nope, that is just what I came up with. He was impressed and pleased with it! I really like how it turned out too. After I read it James wanted me to read it again, but imagine Ted was there and explain them in more details. James set up the chair in front of me and I reluctantly did the first one and stopped.

I eventually explained to James that I said I would never talk to Ted again and I just didn't feel like I could. I don't have any problem talking about each of them with James, but directing them at Ted was a bit much for me at this time.

1. and 2. James and I talked about how not only did Ted abandon me, but was/ is emotionally abusive. Maybe not as directly emotionally abuse, but in directly with my family and the lies. He came around but it was never anything, not holidays or special occasions, no school stuff, just "Here is some crap I got for free. Now Thank me for it!"

3. My "Grandma". I don't get it. Yes my parents were divorced when I was about 6 weeks old, but I never once met the lady. We lived in the same town for 16 years! She made my sister a baby blanket when she was born, but not me! Why? I did have a chance to meet her when I was 13, but it was my decision and not her's and I decided not to.

4. - 7. We talk about his lie and how Ted swears on his life he has NEVER lied to me. James said, that is a sign of a lie when they make a big deal that they are NOT lying! Which is totally Ted! I actually remember the first lie I ever caught him in. I wrote about it in this blog post- about my sister's favorite color. Well, I don't have kids, I have had foster kids and my 11 month-old and 20-month-old didn't seem to have a favorite color. It doesn't even make sense to me how you would have a favorite color at 1 year old, I mean, how could you? Am I wrong or was my sister a 1 in a Million kid that had a favorite color at 12-months-old?

8. Another thing he has done that had really messed up my life, the threat to take me away from my family. I lived in the same house from the day I was born until the day I moved out at 19. Although not perfect, it was a pretty stable environment. I began to fear being kidnapped or being harmed by him. To be honest, I still have that fear! I have run into him 3 times in public, out of those 3 times, 2 of them I was scared to death! I was so afraid he was going to kidnap me! Since he has already made that threat to me it was a very valid fear! Grandpa and I used to go to things like convention shows ALL the time. I used to (and still kind of do, not as much) love computers! Every time dad and I went to a computer thing I feared running into Ted, I knew that he too enjoyed computers and I might run into him. Well, one day we did run into him! I can remember the feelings of terror and panic, I was a teenager but I was practically clinging to my grandpa! I'm pretty sure that was the last computer show I ever went to because of  Ted and my fear of running into him again!

9. It is one thing to have been raised by a verbally abusive dad, but to have Ted call me a B**** feels different. Since I wasn't raised by him, or spent much time around him and it was in 1 of only a few conversation we ever had!

10. I've posted about his craziness before, here-
A little more background into on me- Brad and I have done foster and are currently waiting for a placement. We are also trying to adopt. The issue of my future children and their birth parents makes me a bit nervous because of what Ted has done. I worry for them that they too might someday fear that their parents are going to come after them and take them away. Obviously I fear more for them if we adopt them through foster care then if we get them from an arranged adoption. I hope they don't feel abandoned or un-loved.

3/9/10

Right now I am feeling thankful for this blog! I LOVE working on it. It makes me feel like I have a purpose in life. I can work on it for hours, looking for songs, quotes, stories, poems and such and I love doing it! Even if no one reads this blog!

I have people pressuring me to pursue college. I know I'm only 25 and don't have kids, but it is NOT for me. It is not what I want to do. Maybe, someday I will want to, but for now I A) don't want to and B) don't have the time with my baby-sitting jobs that I also love! Baby-sitting gives me the freedom to work from home and the ability to run errands if I need to. Plus I get paid to do it and really enjoy it.

Between this and my infertility blog I feel like I might actually be making a difference. That is what I want to do with my life. Do they have a college degree for "making a difference in someone's life and helping them with healing and trials?" So far I am doing it on my own and I don't have to spend 4 years in college. I have thought about going into psychology, but there is too much school involved in that. I hate school. I was told for 11 years that I was a failure at school, and enduring 4 (or more then 4) more years of "You have good grades, yeah right! You're a failure and you suck at school!" Does NOT sound like fun!

I don't need kids, a high paying job, or a college degree to be happy. I LOVE my life so much and I wouldn't change a thing right now, okay well maybe having hubby have a higher paying job, but that is all!

2/28/10

Sometimes I feel like I bring these things onto myself and all too easily!

Last night I was having a sleepless night and started searching for people on Facebook.
Growing up my parents told me little things about my mom. Maybe it was just too hard for them to talk about it. But it has been hard for me knowing so little about her. One thing they did mention a lot was one of her friends. Last night I looked on Facebook and found this friend of my moms. I added her as a friend. A few minutes ago she confirmed me as a friend.

I has stirred up a lot of emotions that I didn't expect. Mostly sadness. I'm sad that I don't know much about my mom. I feel sad that I don't feel like I can turn to my parents for info or stories about her. I do trust my parents, but they had been a closed book about my mom for 18 years now and I don't want to cause them pain by asking questions.

As I sit here thinking about sending her friend a message and the things I might say/ ask her all I can do is cry. I'm trying to convince myself not to. Part of me wants to just let it out. Part of me is saying, "Don't cry over spilt milk." I feel like my tears are so petty and I really shouldn't be crying about my mom's friend being my friend on Facebook!

Then I remind myself a question James always asks me, "What are your tears saying." They are saying I miss my mom & I'm feeling sad. I did better then I expected on the anniversary of her death. I feel like my PTSD has been getting better over the years. Sometimes I just need to let myself feel and cry and not try to stop it!

2/16/10

Last Friday with James we talked about Ted mostly. About the feelings I have been holding on to. I realized that I feel more hurt then anger.

James said that maybe I just need to talk about it more, I haven't shared enough of my story about him. He is the one subject that I am not an open book about. I guess because there is so much hurt there that it is hard to talk about. I mean there are a lot of feelings regarding all the other subjects I blog about, but this one just seems different.

We talked about writing him a letter (but not sending it). I did that a few years ago. I haven't read the letter recently. But tonight I was having a hard time falling asleep and I sat down at the computer and thoughts started flowing! I am loving he direction this "letter" has taken. I will wait until it is done to post it. It has 3 categories, I feel hurt..., I feel sad..., I wish... . It is turning out so well. I also have a music Monday coming up about him.

2/15/10

He Said She Said

I loved doing this post, it was interesting the 2 different sides of it all! He is Ted, She is me.

He said: I also promise that I will NOT just go off ranting about negative things of her (my mom) - I will not viciously and wantonly attack her to make me look better or to just vent
She said: just continue reading...

He said: I did NOT abandon you or (your sister) EVER
She said: So, terminating your parental rights and having zero contact with me from the ages of 0 to 13 is called...?

He said: I sent a letter to invite the both of you to invite you to my mother's birthday party. Immediately thereafter you started to write to me asking some of these same questions via email and after just a very few weeks and only a few emails you would NOT respond back anymore
She said: Yes, that is true! But I stopped responding because you threatened to take me away from my parents!

He said: you can tell (your sister) her calls on her birthdays the last several years to my cell really hurt and jerked my heart almost out.
She said: My sister claims there have been no such phone calls?

He said: Yes I do have caller ID thanks to your mother
She said: Um? I'm totally confused about this. Which mother? The one who died before called ID was invented? Or the one who has never once called you???

He said: Did you have something to do with the missionaries that knocked on my door 2 days ago? I tried to send them away, they didn't take the get lost.
She said: Nope, that is just what they do, but then again you should know since you once were one!

He said: I was told by ALL THREE of your uncles that if I even TRIED to contact any of you that they WOULD KILL me! I would VERY Much like to hear them deny it!! (just not in person!) (Uncle #2 TRIED to do it "accidentally" right then on 12/22/84 and they did NOT stop or end it there!
She said: Whatever. I have never heard a story about Uncle #2 doing anything to Ted, I have heard of Uncle #1 "accidentally" punched Ted. Then Ted waited 2 years and 1 day to press charges against Uncle #1 and it was 1 day too long to do anything legally.

He said: Sperm donor is EXACTLY what your mother got married for, if there were ANY way that she could have conceived the two little girls without getting excommunicated for doing it out of wedlock she WOULD HAVE! As soon as she was sure that the second pregnancy was firmly set she went home to "Mommy & Daddy". She had ALL THAT SHE WANTED, she had NO desire to be married!
She said: Now this one is hard, because it hurts so much. I remember the day my mom showed me their wedding pictures and how she was bawling! Being married myself I just don't see how anyone (especially my mom) could have or would have done something like that. My grandparents told me how depressed my mom was after their divorce and her crying while showing me their wedding pictures. Does that sound like someone who just used him to get pregnant or did she really love him and he was a jerk? I vote for jerk!

He said: I am not the one that has committed several FELONIES EACH as your ass hole uncles have DONE! Let's see any one of them get a concealed weapons permit!
She said: Um, again, I know no such thing. My uncles do NOT have any police records! I'm pretty sure one of my uncles has a conceal carry permit, so yeah...

He said: my attempt to quietly walk away and just MAYBE when you got older you would be curious enough to come looking and we would have at least a little bit of a chance to connect and get to know each other.
She said: So my original letter I sent to you that said I wanted to get to know you and wanted you to be a part of my life was...?

He said: I am VERY SORRY FOR YOU, as near as I can see YOU ARE BLIND, DEAF & STUPID
She said: Thanks Daddy, I love you too!

He said: ask your absolutely blameless Uncles as to what happened to my spark plug wires from my car at the time of the divorce, and if THEY are all so CLEAN - WHY did last July when my Jimmy was stolen it turn up with 4 windows busted out, 4 spark plug wires get unplugged, 4 spark plugs get snapped off, EVERY personal item in the vehicle is gone but tools that were expensive & hard to get & other valuables are left behind - interesting the same as the 4 spark plug wires that were stolen from the Nova back then
She said: This one makes me laugh! Yes I can totally see my 3 uncles that are all now in their 50's, that live in 3 different cities and 2 different states deciding to get together to steal and vandalize Ted's car! Yep, can totally see Uncle #3 making the 12 hour car ride to do such a thing! Oh my. Oh and Brad and I saw where Ted lives and it's in a very bad part of Las Vegas. Hum, no wonder, but then again everything is MY family's fault!

He said: Too bad your Mom can't tell you about (uncle #3) sticking his FORK IN YOUR MOTHERS ARM!
She said: Again, it makes me laugh. My parents told me so many times about when uncle did that to my mom. Acually my sister stabbed me with a fork Twice!!! (we were kids, it drew 4 drops of blood, no big deal!) If you ask me, it's just a family thing!

He said: Please tell me is the Carving Knives that are used at Thanksgiving - are they CUTCO knives? THEY ARE MINE!!!
She said: Wow, we have CutCo knives?!? I love those things, BUT I've never seen one in my house growing up!

He said: I would love to know what happened to the three Pachinko machines that were in Your attick.
She said: The what now? Have never seen or heard of it!

He said: what about the complete set of "Uncle Arthur's Bedtime Stories" I believe it was about a 20 volume set of books
She said: Again, ? I have never seen such a thing....

He said: Well sorry to say I do know where the B****** are and they are NOT on this side of family tree!!!
She said: Again, gee Thanks!


This is how I ended things with Ted:
I haven't read the previous e-mail, I might someday, but right now I can't handle it. I wish things had turned out differently, I was hoping to start over and try to have a "normal" relationship with you. but now I see that it is not possible. You continue to hurt me and slander my family.
So forever, Good Bye.

2/14/10

Two Sides to Every Story

Since I'm dealing with Ted stuff with James I prepared myself for a few days and re-read the nasty e-mails Ted and I exchanged over 3 years ago. Ted and I's story and history is so very complicated. But 3 years ago Brad and I were prepared to do foster care and I finally found it in my heart to "forgive" Ted and I wanted him to be a part of my life. That backfired very badly. I can't find the original letter I sent to him, I know it's on a computer CD somewhere I just don't feel like searching.

Last weekend while at my parents I scanned some documents I wanted copies of. Like the letter that Ted says I am NOT his daughter!

Now, I do believe my grandparents did the best job they could in raising me. They were not perfect, they made mistakes, but still they did their best and I love them. After talk (all via e-mail) with Ted I thought, I am SO glad that I was raised by MY parents and NOT that psycho! After talking to him I believe the abuse would of been worst from him then my dad.

I do have to admit that re-reading the e-mails from Ted and my response, I was a little harsh to him and ruder then I should of been. But, the response I got after that was unbelievable, in a bad way. Just maybe it was good for me to be harsh with him because his true nature came out and it was ugly. One of these days when it's not 3 AM and I have church in 6 hours, I'll go through the e-mails and what we said to each other. I find it so interesting that he clams over and over again that he is NOT lying. But when his story and the stories my family tells me do not match up, who should I believe? His crazy, irrational accusations are very interesting! Oh and if any of my uncles are ever murdered I have written proof that it was Ted. Yes he told me in an e-mail that if he ever saw one of my uncles again he will shoot them with his 12 gauge!

That's all for tonight, just needed to vent! More to come...

2/12/10

I told you, this can easily be a 100 part series. Right after I met Ted for the first time we started E-mailing each other. I thought he was harmless, I was also only 13 at the time. Sure he hadn't been around for the first 13 years of my life, but he was my "dad", he created me. We started off with the basic "getting to know you" questions. What kind of things did we like to do, foods we likes, favorite colors and such. At the time my sister's favorite color was purple. I told him that and about 2 to 3 weeks later he asked if her favorite color was still purple. I responded "yes". The next e-mail he went off on how when she was a baby her favorite color was purple. I mentioned this to Grandma. She told me that the story wasn't true. That was my first of many red flags regarding Ted. The next big thing I remember was he told me that I didn't belong to my parents and I belonged to him and he was going to take me away. At 13 I knew that he had no legal right to me. He gave up his parental right when I was about 7 months old and my parents had legally adopted me. I immediately told my mom about what he said. She talked to our Bishop at church about she should do. His advice was that if Ted kept it up get a lawyer involved. I stopped communication with him then. And he seriously wonders why I stopped talking him! And this was all within a few months of meeting him.

My grandparents tried to keep their feelings about Ted neutral around my sister and I. They wanted to let us form our own opinions and feelings about him. Once we realized and voiced that we didn't like him my grandma told us the first ever negative story about him. I point this out because he is convinced that my family brainwashed us against him!

Here is a funny story about him though- On my sister's 16th birthday we went out to dinner and came home to find a note from Ted. In his note he said that while he and Mom were married they decided that they would let us get our ears pierced when we were 16. So he was giving us his and my mother's permission to get our ears pierced. I remember my sister and I joking about it for months. (on a side note we both already had 2 piercing's. Mom let us when we were 7 and Grandma let us get a second hole when I was 14) My sister and I joked about how we would go to the store to get our piercing's and when asked for parents permission hand over the piece of paper saying we have Ted (who had no legal right to give permission) and our dead mom's permission!!!

- more to come...

2/10/10

I don't know if I've posted about it or not, but during a visit with James we talked about my boundaries with my parents. I've been working on them over the past few months, but anyone that knows me knows that I'm not one to really take a stand. I don't have a lot of experience standing up for myself, especially with my parents!

A new boundary I set months ago was to not ride in the car when my Grandpa is driving. This is a big one! Most of the time when we go somewhere Brad and I opt for taking our own car to avoid this. Saturday night we were down visiting family and about to go out to dinner with my parents. My Grandma asked if we wanted to ride with them. This is the first time I've actually had to enforce this boundary. "Well, who is going to drive?" My Grandma said she would. I said, "Okay we will go you guys then". My Grandpa looked at me and asked, "What difference does it make?" I flat out told him, "I wouldn't go with you if you were driving!" He asked "What is that supposed to mean?" I don't remember if I actually said it or not, but I at least thought it, "You've been drinking!"

Yay for me!

2/5/10

Today was another visit with James. We talked about how we had dealt with the majority of my Jack issues and how to know when to be done with counseling. Yes, James and I have done a LOT of work and have covered all sorts of different issues I have. But there is still one thing I struggle with. Ted! "Ted" or "Sperm Donor", he had a lot of names, but never dad!

I haven't blog a whole lot about Ted. I don't know what I have or haven't said. Ted and my mom were married in the LDS Temple. They had my older sister and 1 month before I was born they separated and when I was a month old they divorced. I met Ted for the first time when I was 13. We started e-mailing each other for a few months until I realized that it wasn't such a good/ healthy thing going on. (more on that later) He came around on holidays- Christmas, Easter and our Birthdays. He gave us cheap crap that he had gotten for free. I always felt uncomfortable around him.

The last time he came over was in Aug. of 2000, or was it 2001? Anyway, he came over to tell us that his mom had died. I never met the lady and to be honest I held resentment that she never gave a crap about me to ever want to meet me or see me. She made my sister a baby blanket, but not me and we are only 14 months apart in age.

A few nights ago I had a dream that Ted was after me. It's not that unusual, it happens once in a while. I didn't think too much about it. I have thought about how I still have all these feeling I really want to deal with, again more on it later. This part 1 of a 100 part series with Ted. So while talking to James I brought up my dream about Ted. We talked more about it and my past issues with him and things I want to talk to/ work with James with about Ted. Towards the end of the session I got this "Whoa!" look on my face. James asked what it was about. "I had the dream 6 years to the day from the last time I ever saw Ted. I didn't realize it until right now!" Okay, it might have been a few days off, but still give or take a few days. It's easy to remember the last day I ever saw him... Each year my husband and I celebrate our "first date anniversary". 4 days before our first date we went on a trip together, along with other people, and while at Wal-Mart getting stuff for our trip I saw Ted. I also realized that everything that went on in the dream was just like the last time I saw him. The way I felt, what was going on, everything!

2/1/10

And the results are....

I'm coming to the conclusion that I have had bad luck with doctors for the past 13 or so years! Seriously.... I will mention a problem I am having to a doctor and they always brush it off as nothing. Okay, I am NOT a doctor and if they are telling me it's nothing then it must not be a big deal. It took 13 years and 5 doctors to diagnose my PCOS.

During my last visit with James I mentioned another problem I have. Again, I've told doctors about it and have gotten no where. James brings up the fact that it is NOT normal and there must be something actually wrong. Part of my homework was to do some research and see what I could find out. I've been thinking about it, but just haven't gotten around to search online about it until Sunday. It took 1 web site and I was able to figure out what was wrong from a mile away. I laughed as I read about "Vaginismus". I don't even know how to pronounce that. And the really "This is so what is wrong with me" info part- It has several possible causes, including past sexual trauma or abuse. Wow, who would of guessed?

Then as I read symptoms, I keep thinking, "Why didn't my idiot doctor put 2 and 2 together?" As I have experienced the symptoms in front of him!!! But then again he did have a positive test result for PCOS, but it took another doctor review my records to find that! Sigh, I give up on doctors. They are either too dumb or too expensive!

1/25/10

I've been meaning to do a post since Friday. My world has gotten a bit busy. My work schedule went from 2 hours a week to well, a lot more then that. So I'm doing my best to keep up with everything.

Thursday I went with my friend, MacKenzie, to her grandpa's funeral. It was interesting.... I've heard so many stories about her abusive/ dysfunctional family and then to be around them all for 2 to 3 hours, Wow! She wasn't exaggerating. Her mom didn't acknowledge I even existed, not a single person cried at the funeral and I think her sexual abuser knew that I was just sitting there staring at him the whole time!

Friday I saw James .... I have major feelings of being a failure. And James is trying very hard to un-do 20+ years of me being told I'm a worthless, won't account to anything, haven't done anything with my life, failure. Yes, on one level I know it's not true. But it's hard when I look at my life. I'm 25, childless, career less, degree less, struggling to make ends meet, and the list goes on and on. As James and I were talking I flashed back to 1 year ago. Someone and I were arguing over things and they mentioned since I don't have kids, why haven't I done more with my life? I was very hurt by this because I felt like I had done a lot with my life so far. So I posted this on my blog and I'll re-post it. Maybe I need to print it out to remind myself that I'm not a failure and I've done a LOT.

-
Okay, so just because I am not popping out kids does that mean I've done nothing? Sorry, this might take me all day to write as I have to stop every 2 seconds to cry because it cut so deep. What have I done?
I have worked to help support my family.
I have worked just for the joy of doing SOMETHING with my life.
I have taken in children that no one wants, loved them and have had to give them away.
I have started my own photography business. Even though I am not rich, I love doing it.
I have great friends that I can turn to and I love.
I have spent years in counseling dealing with very tough issues. I am eternally grateful for that decision. I have met people that will always hold a special place in my heart: counselor- S and B, along with everyone in the 2 groups I have been in. I love what I have learned in counseling and want to share it with the world.
I have helped other in their trials.
I have been writing books. It is my dream to someday, soon, publish a book. I am done with one, but have not brought myself to actually sending it in to see if I could get it published. Just maybe since someone things I have done nothing with my life, I will send it in.
I have served in various church callings and have loved every single one. At times they can be tough, but I LOVE serving in the church. I actually feel useless when I don't have a calling.
I am actively searching for a job so that we can save up to adopt our precious baby.
Other then that, I spend my days taking our dog for walks, watching TV, playing the Wii, baby-sitting on occasion for my friend- for free cuz I love it, go to visit my husband at work, work on business things, scrapbook, and many more things.
I spend my evenings with my husband or with our good friends.
Most of all, I have a wonderful husband. I'm sure I don't say it enough, but I love him so very much. I've put his though a lot and he is so patient and understanding.

I love my life, I love my trials, yes I don't have kids, but so what?

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates

That reminds me, last night we were watching Everybody Loves Raymond. In the episodes Ray's daughter was asking him why we are here, why God put us here. My husband and I started talking about how grateful we are for the knowledge of the gospel. Neither of us have ever wondered why we are here on Earth. The show ended with their kids laughing and playing, it make me think of the scripture- 2 Nephi 2:25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

Even in my hardest trials I find joy in my life!

1/6/10

I came on to blog about boundaries and staying safe just to find that's the subject of the article posted today!

Over Christmas I didn't even realize that some of the things I was doing was setting new "boundaries", until James pointed it out to me. I was just doing them to protect myself and avoid drama. Tonight, or rather this morning I decided to do another thing...

I've been a little paranoid about Colleen talking to Jack about what I told her. Mostly, I'm scared that he will track me down, find me and then hurt me. Colleen has my address and my e-mail address, but I hope she is smart enough to NOT give either of them to her son! So today after thinking about it, I blocked Jack on Facebook! It's not huge considering he can get any kind of info about me from his mom, but hey it's something!