1/25/10

I've been meaning to do a post since Friday. My world has gotten a bit busy. My work schedule went from 2 hours a week to well, a lot more then that. So I'm doing my best to keep up with everything.

Thursday I went with my friend, MacKenzie, to her grandpa's funeral. It was interesting.... I've heard so many stories about her abusive/ dysfunctional family and then to be around them all for 2 to 3 hours, Wow! She wasn't exaggerating. Her mom didn't acknowledge I even existed, not a single person cried at the funeral and I think her sexual abuser knew that I was just sitting there staring at him the whole time!

Friday I saw James .... I have major feelings of being a failure. And James is trying very hard to un-do 20+ years of me being told I'm a worthless, won't account to anything, haven't done anything with my life, failure. Yes, on one level I know it's not true. But it's hard when I look at my life. I'm 25, childless, career less, degree less, struggling to make ends meet, and the list goes on and on. As James and I were talking I flashed back to 1 year ago. Someone and I were arguing over things and they mentioned since I don't have kids, why haven't I done more with my life? I was very hurt by this because I felt like I had done a lot with my life so far. So I posted this on my blog and I'll re-post it. Maybe I need to print it out to remind myself that I'm not a failure and I've done a LOT.

-
Okay, so just because I am not popping out kids does that mean I've done nothing? Sorry, this might take me all day to write as I have to stop every 2 seconds to cry because it cut so deep. What have I done?
I have worked to help support my family.
I have worked just for the joy of doing SOMETHING with my life.
I have taken in children that no one wants, loved them and have had to give them away.
I have started my own photography business. Even though I am not rich, I love doing it.
I have great friends that I can turn to and I love.
I have spent years in counseling dealing with very tough issues. I am eternally grateful for that decision. I have met people that will always hold a special place in my heart: counselor- S and B, along with everyone in the 2 groups I have been in. I love what I have learned in counseling and want to share it with the world.
I have helped other in their trials.
I have been writing books. It is my dream to someday, soon, publish a book. I am done with one, but have not brought myself to actually sending it in to see if I could get it published. Just maybe since someone things I have done nothing with my life, I will send it in.
I have served in various church callings and have loved every single one. At times they can be tough, but I LOVE serving in the church. I actually feel useless when I don't have a calling.
I am actively searching for a job so that we can save up to adopt our precious baby.
Other then that, I spend my days taking our dog for walks, watching TV, playing the Wii, baby-sitting on occasion for my friend- for free cuz I love it, go to visit my husband at work, work on business things, scrapbook, and many more things.
I spend my evenings with my husband or with our good friends.
Most of all, I have a wonderful husband. I'm sure I don't say it enough, but I love him so very much. I've put his though a lot and he is so patient and understanding.

I love my life, I love my trials, yes I don't have kids, but so what?

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates

That reminds me, last night we were watching Everybody Loves Raymond. In the episodes Ray's daughter was asking him why we are here, why God put us here. My husband and I started talking about how grateful we are for the knowledge of the gospel. Neither of us have ever wondered why we are here on Earth. The show ended with their kids laughing and playing, it make me think of the scripture- 2 Nephi 2:25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

Even in my hardest trials I find joy in my life!